Several
minutes after the Primetime Championship match between Baby Bubba and Bad
Karma, its time to hype the Dedication match… coming in just a few minutes!
This time, Kim McCrea has been given permission to enter the “lion’s den” of
sorts, the I3TA Locker Room.
Inside stand Dr. Abortion with Whitelight, at
this particular moment they are still recovering from their loss of the Tag
Titles earlier in the night, but have stopped swerving each other. Ms.
Contraceptive is also there with Baby Bubba, who has been appointed as the
Doc’s official “Dedication Title-Carrying Lackey.” Bubba has just arrived from
the ring and is winded.
Kim: Thanks for having me
Dr. Abortion. There are a few questions I’d like to ask about-
Dr. A: Oh God. Look what
I’ve become, Ms. C. I’m one of those people who gets interviewed before his
match. God. I’m turning into such a Chevalier.
Ms. C: Now, now. Don’t say
such a horrible thing honey.
Kim: -Anyway, Doc… have
you prepared yourself for the match against Chevalier tonight?
Dr. A: Hmm now, let me
see, asker of stupid questions. No. I have decided to shoot up coke and eat
waffles. That’s my strategy. I was hoping on paying no attention to my
opponent, put on a few pounds of fat, lose muscle mass and hand back this
title.
Bubba: Like SPX?
Kim: I see, you’re trying
to be sarcastic?
Dr. A: Never before have I
been more prepared for a match. Now, what you need to do before talking to the
Dedication Champion is to ask a question worthy of a response. By the way, did
I mention I was the Dedication Champion?
The doc points for Baby Bubba to come forward.
He does. Ms. C reaches over to a lamp in the room and tilts it in just the right
direction against the heavily polished title on Bubba’s shoulders.
*the belt glistens*
Kim: Bubba… how do you
feel about being out of a job if Dr. Abortion loses this match here toni-
Dr. A: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, WHOA! You do see me standing here, don’t you? Noticed a weight and height
advantage? M’am, I kill babies… beating a woman is not against my ethics. Say,
remember that time I sent you to a battered woman’s shelter, Ms. C?
Ms. C: …
Bubba: Well, to answer the
question, Kim, I am the PRIMETIME CHAMP now! Its pretty awesome, so if
the doc loses I guess I’ll get some porn and brownies and - *mmmpphh*-
Dr.
A: New
Question! …Before my patience has run its course.
Kim: Chevalier defeated you
the last time your paths crossed. Not for the Dedication Title, but for the
Star Heat Championship. In this match there was no interference. Do you think
that in a match like this you can overcome the vet?
Dr. A: I don’t think you’re
getting the point. When did this become the “Attack Dr. A; Praise Chevalier
Show?” Or SHOW, I should say. What did I do to deserve this?
Kim: You cheated to win
your Dedication Title match. And now with Al Racino as the special guest it is
unlikely-
Ms. C: -Listen Missy. If we
have to tell you one more time… I will slap the whore out of you. Your
questions to the Doc will be asked respectfully. He’s not a cheater. He’s a
champ. Just look at that title on Bubba’s Shoulder that just gleams, “Dr. A is
champ!”
*belt glistens*
Dr. A: Chevalier is a man
of excuses. He dodges questions and addresses only the ones he wants to hear.
You know… I hear that his questions are actually scripted out beforehand too.
Really. Someone should look into that.
Whitey: I hear that Chevalier
is racist.
Bubba: I heard that too! I
should give the BubbaCutter to racism!
Dr. A: Now, now. Chevalier
is not racist. I mean, how could a man with “black friends” be racist? I mean,
whenever a white guy goes, “no way – I have black friends,” don’t you just
immediately praise the guy for his well thought out and logical argument.
Whitey: Say doc, what ever
happened to those two black midgets of yours, Roe and Wade? Are they not your
friends any more? Are you… RACIST? …*swerves Dr. A*
Dr. A: No Whitey, you
can’t be racist when you hate everyone.
Bubba: Say Whitelight –
who gave you permission to talk anyway? I could have sworn my Unactivity© had
worn off completely on you.
*Whitelight unswerves Dr. A*
Kim: Doc and Whitelight…
last Dedication Title match you worked together to defeat Chevalier. You are
not the team you used to be. Is their tension in your ranks?
Dr. A: All the tension in
my body will be transferred to Chevy’s face later tonight. And if we weren’t such
a good team, then how could we have been Tag Champs for so long, huh?! That is,
until Whitey decided to job the belts away earlier today. *cough*bitch*cough*
Kim: I’ll give you that.
Now, you’ve declared yourself, “the greatest of all time,” and said you were
above all the legends of the game. You obviously think you will retain against
Chevalier?
Dr. A: Of course I will.
You know, it’s actually a bit sad of a story I tell you… *sniff*
The
doc begins to wipe a tear from his eye.
Dr. A: You know, inside I
am a sensitive feeling person. Sometimes I just feel so bad about myself.
Kim: Is this a side of
you we haven’t seen?
Dr.
A: Well, *sniff*,
it just gets so lonely sometimes being better than everyone else. It’s hard to
be the best, you know. I try to be a good, moral person – I try to fight fair.
but I’m just so much better than everyone.
…You see Kim, I don’t fight fair – and that’s
because my extreme talent makes me a superior human being and champion. I mean,
when I won the Tag Titles and Dedication titles - I tried to lose!… But I am so
talented that I accidentally won them.
…Sometimes I have to hold back, and pretend to
lose matches. It would really make me feel lonely to have all the titles in
this fed. I, I just am so agonized by my supremacy. No one can beat me. Not
Chevs. Not Mystery Man X, Not Mike Gold or Return or Nature Boy or anyone here.
Kim: I… seeeeee. Yes. So
you’re just the greatest ever?
Dr. A: Yep. I am painfully
talented. Sometimes I can’t get to sleep at night. I roll around. I toss. I
turn. I stick the pillow over my head. I break into sweat, ripping the sheets
from my body. I cry to the heavens, “WHY GOD, Why have you made me better than
everyone else?! Why have you cursed me with pre-eminence? DAMN YOUUUU!”
Everyone
stops and stares.
Ms. C: A bit over the top.
Bubba: I concur. Say,
you’re not better at Scrabble though. Kim, did you ever hear about the time I
spelled “quagmire” against the doc here in a game? I got it on a triple word
score!
Dr. A: Shut up Bubba. Or you
will lose Dedication Title-Carrying Lackey privileges after I retain this
thing…
…My
endowment is a blight, Kim. Talent aside, I also suffer from being a genius. I
can outsmart the stupid grape-stomping Frenchie any time I wish. I went to
Johns Hopkins, you know.
Bubba:
HA! Don’t
tell me to shut up doc. You couldn’t even beat a mannequin me in a game of
scrabble… errr… not that there was a mannequin me in the room while I was out
giving SPX porn and Doritos and basketball cards.
Kim: Say, are you bribing
Chevalier’s tag partner to swerve him or something?
Whitey: Did someone say swerve? …*swerves
doc*
Dr.
A: No. I
have no involvement with what this child molester Bubba does with his spare
time.
Kim: Now, Chevalier
seemed to really get you angry with his retorts to your arguments. It seemed
your comments to him degenerated into bitter name-calling. Was he successful in
provoking you?
Dr. A: You’ve got to
remember this. Chevalier started the name-calling. He said that I was a
“Hellspawn in a surgical mask.” That was low man. I mean, I may have called the
man fat and ugly and unliked and untalented… but I didn’t go as low as calling
him a Hellspawn. It’s just not right, I tell you. Isn’t that, like, against the
Geneva Convention?
Whitey: *unswerves doc*
Calling someone a Hellspawn is much worse than killing babies. I checked.
Kim: Do you feel you’ll
get a fair match from Al Racino?
Dr. A: Just like last
time, the “good guy” Chevalier tries to stack the cards in his favor. No it
will not be fair. I had a tag match 15 friggen minutes ago and he’s been
sleeping on a bed of croissants. But I will win anyway. On a side note I’d like
to add that this ref guy was great in “Heat” and “The Devil’s Advocate.”
Ms. C: Didn’t Bez tell
you? Al RACINO. Not Al Pacino.
Kim: Drew Carey… do you
feel a need to be impressive as Hollywood is watching?
Dr. A: Hollywood? Drew
Carey?! That guy is on ABC. I mean damn, ABC lost “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”
to the WB. How bad is that? Plus nobody has watched his show since that hot
chick got all fat and old.
Whitey: Who? Mimi?
…
Dr. A: You stupid piece
of… *sigh*… No Whitey. NO!
Ms. C: I think her name is
Kate.
Dr. A: Yeah. That’s it.
Totally not hot anymore.
Bubba: But still, that
“Whose Line is it Anyway” show is pretty good, huh? That Wayne Brady is pretty
funny.
Dr. A: Chevalier doesn’t
think so. From what I hear.
Ms. C: No, I heard Chevy
say he was one of those, “good ones.”
Dr. A: I see. What a stand
up, non-racist guy that Chevalier is.
*wink*wink*
Kim: Well, it was
interesting talking to you. We’re just a few minutes away from the match and
now-
Dr. A: Whoa now, you can’t
just cut out on us like that and go to commercial or whatever. What about
Chevalier’s Promo? Fair time is needed for both sides to express their
opinions.
Kim: IP spoke with
Chevalier earlier in the SHOW. I thought you had seen his-
Dr. A: No, no. Chevalier’s
other promo! Oh. Didn’t you see that? Well it’s a good thing I
have friends in the production trailer. Roll that sweet, sweet footage.
Kim: Wha-
The
scene cuts to grainier camera work. Done on a home camera, obviously. A man who
looks mysteriously like Dr. Abortion stands with a fake-looking mustache. He
has a beret on his head. Next to him stands a not-so-pretty woman. One that
appears to be Whitelight with some lipstick on his face and a blonde wig.
“SHOW Reporter Ashlira:” Hi there doc-ahhh… Chevalier.
“Ashlira:” How do you
feel about… *cough*… how do you feel about Dr. Abortion being better than you,
beating you for the Dedication title… and how long will it take for you to lose
your match today?
“Chevalier:” I will lose
in about a minute. …About Dr. Abortion being better, it makes me sadder than
thinking about how my country is totally inept at war. I just get so angry at
him that I want to throw my thick sauces at his body. But I know he would beat
me, as all Americans beat Frenchmen.
“Ashlira:” Dr. A has reported that he is regretful that the generations
before him saved France in every war. How would the world be today if they
greeted each other speaking German in Paris?
“Chevalier:” The world would be a much
better place. It is too bad I would not be able to have been born to see such a
great world… a world not full of smelly cowards. Smelly cowards who are the
leading producers of Nuclear Waster in Europe, that is.
“Ashlira:” One last question – are you racist?
“Chevalier:” Of course
not. Why I just bought SPX several rap albums, and turned a 40oz. upside down and
let it spill to honor SPX’s many dead homies, who have been killed in
“the hood.” Maybe one day I will even be able to wean him off crack.
…But
before we go, I’d like to say… I have no chance. My FAILED FIST OF THE
JUST will do as implied, fail. I may actually hit myself unconscious. Did I
mention that closed fists were illegal? That means I’m a cheater too. I cheat
in my matches. Geez. I suck.
“Ashlira:” Nice poodle. How about some commercials?
“Chevalier:” Good call.
I, Chevalier, personally want to see “Girls Gone Wild” commercials, because I’m
not that decent of a person.
Fade. To commercials.