When George W. Bush started looking for Vice-Presidential running mates, he called on the expertise of Dick Cheney, former Secretary of Defence under George Bush. After orchestrating Desert Storm, the military operation that freed Kuwait, which had nothing whatsoever to do with maintaining a geopolitical situation favorable to US oil demands, Cheney left government to enter the oil business. This was not because he had developed close ties to Big Oil through his government employment. Eventually, Cheney changed his mailing address to Wyoming, though not in order to give the impression that he was a citizen of convenience and political expediency. Not at all.

Doc Nagel: Vice President Cheney, thanks for stopping by.

Dick Cheney: You're welcome. We need to communicate as much as possible with the American people in order to get our message out.

DN: You make a lot of TV appearances. One thing I've noticed is that you're generally referred to as Dick, rather than Richard. Why is that?

DC: I've been called Dick all my life. It just seems natural.

DN: I thought it was something like that. So you don't mind if I call you Dick?

DC: No, that's fine.

DN: Thanks, Dick. There has been some controversy about Bush's selection of you as Vice President. You were in charge of the selection process that eventually selected you.

DC: That's not quite right. I did run the process, but President Bush made the decision.

DN: Did you nominate yourself, Dick?

DC: We looked at a number of possible picks. President Bush was comfortable with me.

DN: You have friends in common, isn't that right, Dick?

DC: [Chuckling] Well, his dad gave me a job once.

DN: Actually, Dick, I was thinking of friends in the oil business.

DC: I spent a little time in the oil business in the mid-90s, that's true. But President Bush hasn't been in the oil business for some time. Neither have I, for that matter.

DN: But Dick, as I understand it, you had to return stock to avoid a potentially embarassing investigation into your resignation as CEO of a firm in Texas, just after you joined the Bush team. That would have been in 2000.

DC: That's not quite right. The firm was in Wyoming. It's true I returned stock, but I just wanted to make sure there wasn't any appearance of impropriety.

DN: There's also some question about whether you actually did live in Wyoming. Could you explain why that would be, Dick?

DC: I have no idea. That's something the media raised, but I don't know what that's about.

[CHENEY suddenly doubles over in apparent pain.]

DN: Are you alright? Is it your heart?

DC: No, no; I've just got a bad case of colon powell.

DN: Cuz, you know, your heart. How are you feeling, Dick?

DC: I'm really fine, considering my history of coronary artery disease.

DN: That's good to hear, Dick. As you know, there is some concern that your health isn't that good, especially after these minor heart attacks you've had in the past three months.

DC: That's not quite right. I haven't had "heart attacks." I've had a few minor infarction events.

DN: I'm sorry, Dick. I had thought an infarction was a heart attack. Still, you have had angioplasty this month. Can you tell us directly that you're healthy enough to serve, should the President have some kind of accident?

DC: Well, God forbid that the President has an accident. But I would be able to take on the duties of President.

DN: If you go down, Dick, what's the line of succession? Would William Rhenquist be President? He's pretty unhealthy too.

DC: There's no need to discuss it, because I'm in fine health, for someone with a history of coronary artery disease who smoked for 30 years.

DN: Don't forget the red meat, Dick. Oh, wait, sorry - Wyoming, Texas. I forgot.

DC: They're controlling my food supply, so I'm fine.

DN: They needed to take control of your food supply? Dick, are you saying you have some kind of eating disorder?

DC: Dammit, would you stop calling me Dick!

DN: But Dick, you said I could!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I rest easy knowing that Dick Cheney is our Vice President.

This interview did not take place. Cf. Jean Baudrillard, The Gulf War Did Not Take Place, trans. by Paul Patton (Bloomington, IN: Indiana U. Press, 1995).