Colin Powell was an early pick of the Bush camp for Secretary of State. Powell is of course famous for Operation Desert Storm, the Persian Gulf war against Iraq. After the war, in a nation starved for earnest leaders, Powell appeared a paragon of virtue. Many in the Republican Party dearly hoped Powell would run in 1996, at least, they did until they realized he strongly supported affirmative action.

Doc Nagel: Nice to see you General. You know, I do this bit about you. It came to me when you were touring in the mid-90s, as a kind of tent-revivalist self-promoting good person. I'd see you on TV saying something about staying in school or whatever, and I'd double over and grab my abdomen like I had some kind of cramping pain. Then I'd moan and say "Oh man, I think I've got colon Powell." Funny, isn't it?

Colin Powell: Not in the slightest.

DN: What I notice most about you is how people treat you. You've got the whole political scene acting like you're beyond reproach in every way. Tell me, General, is it true that your [excrement] doesn't stink?

CP: I don't know what you're talking about. I thought this was supposed to be an interview.

DN: Okay, I'll mark that down as "no." Still, you know what I mean. In your Senate confirmation hearing, about the toughest question they asked was "please state your full name."

CP: I guess you could say I'm well respected.

DN: I guess you could say that you can't sit down in this town without contacting a Congressman's lips. They were beside themselves flattering you.

CP: I don't see it as flattery.

DN: Is it true that Trent Lott offered you his daughters?

CP: What? What are you talking about?

DN: I'm the one conducting the interview, General. So you deny that members of Congress and the Washington media have provided their nubile daughters to pleasure you?

CP: That's absolutely false. That's an obscene and reprehensible allegation.

DN: Their sons? Their dogs?

CP: I refuse to honor that with a response.

DN: I'll write down "yes." Now, as I see it, your qualifications as Secretary of State are that you were in a couple wars. Do you have any diplomatic experience at all?

CP: Not in terms of acting as an ambassador in a formal way. But I think the-

DN: I'll put down "no." So basically, you're in the Bush administration as a kind of token, is that right?

CP: I bring a great deal of experience to the office of Secretary of State.

DN: Right, just none of it relevant. That's why I asked that question about being a token. You're not much of a conservative, your capacity to form policy is unknown, in fact your ability to serve in government is totally without evidence. See? You seem to have one basic qualification, and that is that nobody in Washington will lay a finger on you. Don't you think you're being used as a decoy, so that Bush can implement a stealth foreign policy and never have to face questions about it?

CP: That's ridiculous. I'm sure I'm going to face questions about foreign policy, difficult questions.

DN: Like "what is your full name"? I'll bet. But let's talk about your only experience of foreign affairs: your war experience. First let's talk about the Iraq assault. I know you weren't part of the policy-making team in Washington, so I'll ask about the action in the field. How many Iraqi civilians were killed?

CP: I don't have that information.

DN: Round numbers? Are we talking 10,000, 20,000?

CP: Certainly not.

DN: Before Iraq you served in Viet Nam, isn't that right? Were you involved in that My Lai massacre?

CP: I am not a war criminal.

DN: Oh, well, I won't bother asking that question then. But you were decorated. How many villages did you firebomb while in country?

CP: None.

DN: Oh, sure, right. Come on, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone.

CP: I thought this was an interview.

DN: Yeah. But I won't tell anybody, I'll just type it up silently and let people read it.

CP: Unless you tone it down real fast-

DN: What? You'll firebomb my house? Surgically strike my neighborhood?

CP: Do you have any legitimate questions to ask?

DN: When members of the GOP were boosting you for President, were they aware that you're African-American?

CP: Of course they were aware.

DN: I kinda figured they didn't know. You know, Republicans.

CP: No, I don't know.

DN: You're not a Republican?

CP: Yes, I am a Republican. I don't see how my race has anything to do with it.

DN: No, neither do I. But tell me, didn't they figure you'd support affirmative action?

CP: I hadn't discussed the issue publicly. I am not, by nature, a politician.

DN: Oh no, those press conferences during the war, that certainly wasn't political. No spin there, no sirree Bob. Nope, that was just straight talk from a no-nonsense guy.

CP: Your baiting is incomprehensible and offensive. What do you think you're doing?

DN: I'm interviewing you. And so I'd like you to stop asking me questions. I ask the questions, you answer them. Me interviewer. You Colin Powell. Me interview you.

CP: I've had about as much of this as I care to take.

DN: Is that so? Well how about this: NYAAH! NYAAH! PLPLPLBH!

Secretary Powell brings civility and honor to the Bush Administration just by his presence there.

This document is intended solely for the use of its audience. It is an attempt at hard-core satire, which might explain why Secretary Powell was naked during the interview. But I like to think he was just being friendly and relaxed. All lies. But I would truly love to see Powell actually grilled by the press, just once.