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The
Adventures of
Darkwood the Ogier
~Part 2
Oh yeah, we're
doing it again, just
like the first, only
different,
completely different
in format. Story's
still the same
though, we join
Darkwood searching
for his bride.
Part 2: The
part immediately
after the Beginning
We
Join our young Hero
Darkwood as he
travels from his
home in search of a
bride. It has been
two days since he
left his Stedding,
yet nothing happened
in those two days,
so here we are,
ready to show you
the story picked up
in progress. Don't
take this as a sign
that something will
start happening now,
because of course
that might or might
not be true. heh,
Caught
ya, of course
something's gonna
happen. the only
question now is will
it be funny. heh
caught
you again! Of course
it won't be funny.
This is ME we're
talking about here.
anyway I've spoken
long enough, we pick
up our story as
Darkwood travels
down the road,
singing a merry
tune.
Trailor's for sale or Rent aaaawww
but..... Third
Boxcar midnight
Train I
know every engineer
on every train Darkwood
starts to dance
around snapping his
fingers at this
time. Just bobbin as
he hums the beat,
then resumes
I
know every engineer
on every train Begins
to sing in a
slightly quieter
voice
Trailor's
for sale or Rent King
of the Road
King
of the road Darkwood wasn't
sure as to the
meanings of the
song. He didn't, for
instance, know what
an Engineer was, or
a train, or many of
the other odd
sayings, but it was
a merry tune. A
tinker had taught
him the song.
Darkwood
remembered the
tinker fondly. Ol
black and blue he'd
called the man. When
the Tua'thon had
left Darkwood had
followed him, and in
every town the
traveling person had
gone to Darkwood had
waited until
nightfall, and then
stolen all the pots
in town, and placed
them near where the
tinker was bedding
down.
Darkwood Laughed,
a clear sound across
the fields he was
walking through. He
remembered well the
enraged mob
screaming about the
tinker stealing
their pots and then
beating ol black and
blue to within in a
inch of his life.
Heh heh, there
was only one thing
better than watching
a tinker receive a
first class beating,
and that was
watching a tinker
receive a first
class beating in
every city he went
to from Tear to
Toman Head.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Darkwood allowed
his laughter to echo
along the path once
again, stopping to
reflect and on how
much he'd put ol
black and blue
through. Such odd
people tinkers, he
never once lifted a
hand to defend
himself, and He Kept
going into new towns
every time he passed
them.
Darkwood wiped
the tears of
laughter from his
eyes as he
approached a tree
with a home carved
out of it. Twas his
ancient
Grandmother's house,
she had moved
outside the stedding
by nearly two days
because, as she
claimed
'all the trees
in the stedding are
looking at me funny,
and urinating on me
flower garden when
me back is turned.'
Despite his
Grandma's obvious
senility Darkwood
liked her muchly.
She made it habit to
give him an Andoran
weight silver on
every day of the
year but his
birthday. Again she
claimed,
'A man is more
likely to fall into
a pit of poisonous
vipers and break his
leg on his birthday
than on any other
day'
How that
translated into the
money thing Darkwood
would never really
know, but he liked
the old bag.
After wizzing on
her flower garden
Darkwood knocked on
the door four times
and called out.
Darkwood:
It is I Grandma,
Darkwood. erm, huh,
I mean it is I
Darkwood. Grandma!
ack! um um, I mean
to say, Hey you old
crone open the hell
up, it's me, Darks!
Sure enough the
door creaked open,
though Grandma was
snug in her bed. He
always wondered how
she did that.
Darkwood:
Hello Hello Grandma.
How's things for you
on this fine Autumn
afternoon?
Grandma Wood:
Things are horrible,
I have arthritis, my
stove isn't warming
up my soup properly,
and Oprah's been
pre-empted by some
presidential debate
of some sort.
That's
right folks, not
just any
Presidential debate,
the last debate. Who
will you vote for,
come November 7th. I
mean to say after
you go out and buy
Robert Jordan's
Winter's Heart, and
on the way home
drive by the voting
booth and say to
yourself, Eh,
I've got a couple
minutes to spare
who will you vote
for then? I urge you
to vote for George
Bush Jr. Sure he's
not that bright, but
at least he's not a
commy. *gives the
grin and the big
thumbs up*
This
add has been paid
for by the national
organization of
blood sucking
conservatives
the Filthy Rich
for Lower Taxes
and as Gore would
say, all the Big
Ohle companies
out there. It was
also paid for by RJ,
because he'd really
like to you to buy
his book,
oh
and vote, vote too,
yes voting is
important
but
buy his book in any
case.
Darkwood:
A presidential
debate? during
Oprah? why it's the
afternoon! HAVE THEY
NO SHAME!!! Saved by
the Bell re runs
will show late
because of this! The
Bastards!
Grandma Wood:Yes,
yes they will.
Hmmmmmm
Darkwood thought to
himself. The old
crone's acting
strange, I've read
about this type of
thing before. Better
act now.
Darkwood:Why
Grandma, what big
Eyes you have.
Grandma Wood:
Yes well these are
glasses Darks,
you've seen them
before. see.
*She takes off
her glasses and
shows them to
Darkwood.*
Darkwood:
Ahhh, I was worried
for a minute. hmmmm
But Grandma, what
big teeth you have.
Grandma Wood:Darks
sweetie, it's just
my false teeth. See.
*Grandma takes
out her teeth, and
her gums then seem
to dominate her
face.*
You see?
Darkwood:
Damnit Grandma,
that's just scary,
put your teeth back
in for light's Sake.
*the young Ogier
shudders*
Erm, btw, what
saggy and large ears
you have.
Again
we will cut from
this violent scene
as Grandma Darkwood
whaps little
Darkwood into
oblivion. Can you
believe the strange
little weirdo was
actually looking at
his grandma's ears?
Man that's some sick
sh.....stuff. anyway
she looks to have
finished whapping
him with her old
biddy whapping cane,
so let's resume the
story.
Grandma Wood:You
sick sick little
errant Ogier,
staring at an old
woman's ears so,
especially when that
old woman is your
Grandmother.
SHAME!!!!
*the old woman
trails off*
Of course I
remember when my
ears were very
perky, a yes, they
captured many a
young Ogier's eye
back then. So pert
and vibrant. Why I
remember..... what's
wrong with you?
*Cut To Darkwood
retching in the
corner of the room*
Darkwood:
Grandma, seriously
*he wipes his mouth
with the back of his
arm* I don't want to
hear about your ears
okay.
Grandma Wood:
Well you did bring
it up you sick
little fruitcake.
Darkwood:
Yes well nevermind
that Ok?
erm well anyway
Grandma I'm gonna go
now, Important stuff
to do you know, you
weird old biddy.
Grandma Wood:
Wait wait wait there
young whipper
snapper, you errant
little bastad you!
Darkwood:
But Grandma.....
Mums sent me to find
a bride. I have to
go.
Grandma Wood:
*guffaw* What!?
Don't lie to Grandma
now Darkie, You? A
Bride? *laughs
hysterically*
whatever. I've got
something important
for you to do.
Darkwood:
Alright what? You
old battle axe? Mums
really did send me
to find a bride, she
kept going on about
her best hat or
something. I dunno.
Grandma Wood:
Yes, yes that's a
fine hat, I can see
her point. Hmmmm,
well this mission
I'm sending you on
will not detract
from you finding a
bride *she stifles
laughter* It will in
fact take you to a
place where perhaps
you are not so well
known, that would be
a plus for you in
seeking a bride I'd
think.
*She gives
Darkwood no chance
to respond* I want
you.....
to track
down......
your brother.
*cue dramatic
music* DUM DUM DUM!!!
Darkwood:
You must be mistaken
Grandma, for I have
no brother.
Grandma Wood:
well.....
*she said
tentatively*
That's not
exactly true, you
see, back when your
mother was young,
she was a bit wild,
and well, she was a
USOgier girl in the
war against the
isles of Seanchan.
Darkwood:
Um, what? We never
had a war, and never
with any folk called
the sawchin?
Grandma Wood:
Okay you're right,
but it was a
Seanchan soldier
with black raven
tattoos that caught
your mother's
attention. I just
thought the war
story would preface
better than "Darkwood,
you're mom's
easy" You
understand what I'm
saying.
Darkwood:
Ah damnit. Yes
*sighs*
Grandma Wood:
I mean I could tell
you about all the
men your mother was
intimate with, why
her and I used to
keep count, it was
sort of a joke, we
lost count at 156
though, and to
think, she was
probably only about
halfway done at that
point.
Darkwood:
LIGHT GRANDMA! *Darkwood
yells between
retches* I don't
want to hear it
okay! Damn why did
father ever marry
her anyway?
Grandma Wood:
Oh let's not get
started on your
father boy, we know
quite well how big a
loser he is, you
know you kinda take
after him that way.
Darkwood:
Alright seriously
Grandma, you either
spit out what it is
you want me to do or
I'm leaving. I don't
have to take this
abuse.
Grandma Wood:
Fine fine you little
sissy. Here's the
Deal. Your brother
was visiting a few
weeks past. I
enjoyed his company,
he's a fine boy your
brother, not the
errant little loser
you are. Oh, yes
sorry, I'll move on.
Anyway I asked your
half brother to for
a cookie. Said I was
frail and old and
that's all I wanted
from him. You know
what he did?
HE TRIED TO KILL
ME!!! and he kept
mumbling something
about blaming it on
Ghandi and giggling
hysterically.
I only have one
piece of evidence,
he was wearing this
shirt at the time.
I want you to
take this whapping
cane of mine. I
don't need to whap
anymore youngsters,
my whapping days are
through, but please,
take this, and whap
the crap out of your
brother.
Darkwood:
Um, yeah.
Well I'll do my
best, bye.
*tries to leave*
Grandma Wood:
Um Darkwood
Darkwood:
WHAT? What now?
Grandma Wood:
Get me a cookie?
Darkwood:
Um, No.
And with that
Darkwood leaves the
cabin and continues
on his way.
Will
Darkwood Find a
Bride? All
this and more, Darkwood, |