Mandatory warning. this contains some very crass humor and is inappropriate for people of all ages. Those who currently have respect for me are encouraged to stop reading these now, and keep that respect in tact. :)

I'm assuming no one left, so let's get on with the story. Note: remember I follow no format guidelines. I just write whatever I feel like writing at the time. The story will actually begin to take a more coherent and let's move this along format. Something will happen, maybe even Darkwood finding his bride. Though I'm long winded and really unlikely to end this at three. So probably not that, but Read the story and find out!!!!!

or just skip to the end. *g*

Part 3: Your Mother

Well as you may remember, Darkwood left his home by command from his mother to find himself a bride, On his way he visited his Grandma, who left upon him another command, to seek out his brother and whap him for trying to kill her. We've skipped ahead a few days, as the story will tell. Darkwood had to travel a long way in search of his brother. Now, we take you to the action. Do you have any questions? Do you have any questions? Then Let's Get it On!

Darkwood had traveled 40 days and roughly 13 nights, the other nights he spent cowering under a tree in fear of the dark. too bad he'd left his night light at home. Oh well, next time he'd remember to bring it. If there is a next time the young Ogier thought to himself bitterly.

Well we could follow that age old tradition of just giving you one brief sentence of a character's thought process but in this story, you get to hear a string of Darkwood's thoughts, just to get a better idea of the fellow. So, enjoy.

ha ha, of course there will be a next time, But I love thinking dramatic junk right as the story zooms into my thoughts. Yeah, playing with the Audience's Mind yo. Thinking I'm some kind of sympathetic character worried about making it home? pffft. Bah! But of course they're buying it. They don't understand how I got my Errant youth title, the drinking, ooooh the drinking, the carousing. The Women! yes Good Lawd the Women! Yeah I'll make it home, or wherever else I'm going, and when I get there they better lock up their daughters and run me out of town cuz I'm trouble with a capitol T. All Hail the Darkwood!!!! Oh crap, is that rotten bastard narrarator letting the people see my thoughts right now? He Is! I can tell. Oh Sh.........oot.

Wow, I hope I make it back to my mother in one piece, and that she can where her best hat, it would be a shame if it didn't turn out right in the end.

There, he can't be still monitoring my thoughts. I didn't cover that well enough. Damn, Damn, Damn! Rotten narrarator. Why when I catch that man in a dark alley he's gonna regret messing with Dark fooking Wood that's for sure. Why first, first I'm gonna.....

We cut from that because what he's thinking now quite honestly scares me, erm, maybe that whole thought thing wasn't that good an idea. *whistles tunelessly* Hmmm, maybe I'll send him some adult Ogier material, maybe that will make everything right between us again. Oh, sorry, are you still here? Back to the story people. C'mon, nothing to see here, move along, move along.

Darkwood continues down the road thinking pleasant thoughts. Trust me they are pleasant, despite his apparent muttering and that snarl on his face. He has traveled a long ways to get here, but finally he is in the territory of the one called Jimmy. The evil army was close, Darkwood could feel it.

Even as that realization is made by this story, and in a stroke of true coincidence. the evil army pops out in front of young Darkwood as he walks. A raucous group of over thirty young evil doers, led by a smarmy looking young fellow, exuding arrogance and one other thing, the very essence of humor eminates from him, A truly silly man this leader is.

The Evil Army Leader: Well well well what have we here? Yet another Ogier?

Darkwood: Yes, I am Ogier, The Name is Darkwood!

The Evil Army Leader: yes, an ogier, and one who apparently doesn't know a rhetorical question when he hears it. Har har har.

That laugh, Darkwood had heard of it.

Darkwood: It is you, Jimmy!

DUM DUM DUM!

The Evil Army Leader: Yes, it is I, Jimmy, commander of this here evil army, Dark lord of the Pith. Chief Aide to his Majesty Emperor Diablos.

DUM DUM DUM!!!!

A Dashing Man Standing Next to Jimmy: *looks around* It sounds like the dramatic music boss, could this youngster Ogier be a threat to us?

Jimmy: Preposterous Dave, this Ogier is no threat. In fact he's a little dim looking, especially for an Ogier.

Dave: Yes I see that now. har har har. Ogier Fellow, you are in the presence of the infamous Jim Blonde, and me Dave Brunette, known for laughing cheap and kicking sides. What have you to say for yourself?

Darkwood: *cut to Darkwood yawning and stretching a little bit.*

AHEM!

Darkwood: Oh is it my turn? I didn't realize, no one said, sorry. *checks the script* no no no, we're already way past time, better skip most of this. some banter, Blah blah blah, a few veiled threats, yada yada yada, a couple of quick witty one liners from the duo of evil. oh those are funny, but we'll skip them anyway, I am after all the main character here, I don't need them stealing my thunder. hmmm a little bit of heated argument etc etc etc. Ok here we go......

Jimmy, I, Darkwood, do not need to take those comments from you! I am here for one thing, and that is to travel into the territory controlled by your evil empire and find my half-brother, step aside and let me in!

Jim Blonde: Har har har, you think to tell me what to do? Dave, tell this, Ogier, what we do to people who try to dictate orders to us.

Dave: erm, dic what?

Jimmy: *sighs* Oh never mind Dave, just stand there looking handsomely rougish.

Dave: Got ya boss. *strikes a pose*

Jimmy: We do not take orders from the Ogier young Dimwood.....

Dave: har har har

Jimmy: And there will be no entrance into evil army controlled territory I'm afraid. Now move along young one. It has been long since I feasted on Ogier meat, and I'm afraid I really am quite hungry. *gives an order to members of his evil army, who advance on Darkwood*

Darkwood: I'll be back! erm probably anyway *and then he runs off*

Dave: Har har har. *strikes a pose*

Darkwood runs and runs, until finally he collapses, secure that he is far enough away from the evil army. Hmmm, what will I do now? My mother will kill me if I don't find a bride, and for some reason I know I must travel through this evil territory to find my dream girl. Bah, My mother and her hats. The lightbulb flashes on above Darkwood's head that's it!!! and he trudged off on a new mission.

We now go forward a couple of days as darkwood prepares his plan. We could show you him actually putting his plan into effect, but that would give away the ending, and cut down on the drama factor of what we're about to see. So let us just take out some brief time to talk amongst ourselves. Let me take this time to sort of deal with some details you all might be interested in. The next installment of this series might take a while before it's out, a couple weeks perhaps, maybe more. As part four shall be a huge story, I mean a HUGE story, that is currently being written, Well actually it's not being written as we speak, because of course I can only write one story at a time. But I have started writing it, and it's in a file titled darkwood4 on the old comp. So watch for that coming at you soon. In the interim Darkwood may have some deviations from the story with a cast of silly folk, perhaps even a silly RP with multiple members of DM, but negotiations are still in progress. After that there will come stories 5,6, and the finale is 7. If I can keep my attention span long enough that is.

Other things to deal with, the sponsors of my story, Tropicana Pure Premium Florida Orange Juice, no pulp. It is what I'm drinking most often when I'm writing this, I also drink Pepsi sometimes, when I need my caffienation level up. Both drinks are excellent sources of craziness. Also country music singers of America, and Napster, who have teamed up to give me my listening material as I write this. Not a big fan of country music, I'm sucked in by it anyway, and it inspires me as I write these. Also I'm doing all the writing for these stories with 1st Page 2000, a HTML scripting program from the people at Evrsoft. A fantastic program that has many of the same tools that front page and Dreamweaver has, sans a WYSIWYG tool and a CSS editor. But really the former is just for pansy scripters anyway, and the latter can be found in other programs. Best of all 1st Page is free from www.downloads.com or their home site which I don't have the address of presently. just look it up and give it a try. :) Finally all the people who've given me encouragement in these writings. and all the folks I've met at DM. Now, let's get back to the story. hehe

Darkwood now returns to the site of his first confrontation with the evil army, the borders of the armies territory. there is no one around at first, but again, members of the army seem to simply appear out of thin air. Jim and Dave are once again the front men for the group.

Jimmy: So, the Errant one returns, I'm afraid that was not the wisest course of action.

Dave: har har har.

Darkwood You think not? *rae* I request passage through your territory, and also for you to tell me how to find my half brother. We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. *Darkwood flashes an evil grin*

Jim Blonde: It seems you still haven't learned your lesson. *Jimmy shakes his head slowly* Dave, take him!

Darkwood: Not so fast jimmy, Dave, I have someone with me who wants to talk to you. har.... har.....har.

While both Jimmy and Dave look confused Darkwood motions towards the nearest tree line and out walks an elderly lady, using a walking cane. Jimmy's intake of breath sounds throughout the clearing.

Jimmy: Mums?

The Old bag: Yes Jimmy, it is me. YOUR MOTHER!

Jimmy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

YOUR MOTHER: Yes, I must say I didn't believe the little girly ogier when he first came to me.

Darkwood: Hey!

YOUR MOTHER: *whaps Darkwood* Shuddup you. Like I was saying I didn't believe the errant little fellow at first. I mean, how could I? My Jimmy? evil? No I said, it couldn't be. *sniffs* And yet here you are, Evil! How could you do this to me? *wails*

Jimmy: No No mumsy you have it all wrong I'm not evil, no of course I'm not. I'm your little Jimmy. *grins*

Dave: Wait a minute Jim but you said....

Jim: shhhh

Dave: You said we were evil remember? we even put the new evil army shirts into mass production, then you laughed, something like MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, that's pretty evil if you ask me. You're even up for the evilist guy named Jim in a comedy series? remember.

Jimmy: *gives Dave a look* Ignore my friend Dave mums, remember he's not quite all there. Not playing with a full deck, his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, you hear what I'm saying.

Dave: I lost you there.

Jimmy: don't worry dave my friend, just some metaphors, nothing important.

Dave: Meta-phors?

Jimmy: Good *gives Dave a cookie* There's a nice girl over there who was very impressed by your dashing manner, why don't you go woo her. *points off at nothing*

Dave: Oooh really!? *Dave gets excited and wanders off towards the direction Jimmy pointed* I don't see her Jimmy.

Jimmy: Just keep on going and you'll catch up with her sooner or later, don't worry, I'll catch up with you later. *Dave wanders off and Jimmy turns to his mother.* Now mums

YOUR MOTHER: Don't Mums me you evil evil evil son o' mine.

Jimmy: But Ma....

YOUR MOTHER: But me no but's young man. I've heard enough, you are indeed evil. Why I've seen the T-shirts, I know what the deal is. I remember you leaving home on that fateful day. My Jimmy, off to save the world from evil you said. Off to fight crime you claimed. *she tears up* I was so proud that day, I wore my best hat! And you betray me.

Jimmy: I didn't betray..... *she talks over him*

YOUR MOTHER: My best hat. You've taken my proudest day and reduced it to nothing. I can never look at that hat again! My best hat, wasted, wasted forever. How can you have done this to me? How? *sobs incoherently about her best hat*

Jimmy: Um, sorry?

YOUR MOTHER: Not good enough, it was my best hat. you've ruined the moment forever. No, I've decided, you can no longer be evil.

Jimmy: *sighs* okay okay, I'm not evil anymore, that all right. *mumbles* You old biddy

YOUR MOTHER: there are two more things you need to do.

Jimmy: Oh what now? I already said I wouldn't be evil anymore don't you believe me? *crosses his fingers behind his back* I promise not to be evil anymore. there, you see?

YOUR MOTHER: First, *she spoke on* You must disband this evil army you have here. *looks about at the others* Look at you, what would YOUR MOTHER's say if they saw you all now?

The Entire Evil Army in Chorus: Sorry Mrs. Blonde

YOUR MOTHER: Harumph, Second Jimmy, let this errant little Ogier pass. He's a disgrace to his mother as well.

Darkwood: HEY!

YOUR MOTHER: There's little hope he'll ever amount to anything, but the only hope he does have lies in passing into this land you're guarding my son. Let him through, and tell him how to find his brother it is the only chance his mother will ever have to wear her best hat, something every mother should have the opportunity to do. *sniffs pointedly* I will be waiting at the next clearing for you. Don't disappoint me.

Jimmy: aw come on do I really have to help Dimwood here mums? Why?

YOUR MOTHER: Because I am YOUR MOTHER! and you'll do as I say. Now be about it. I have to get home in time to watch my favorite TV drama's. *she walks off*

Jimmy: *turns to his army* You heard mums, disperse all of you, I will gather you again, the time for evil is not done yet, no matter what the old biddy claims. *turns to Darkwood as the army leaves mumbling* wipe that smirk off your face, you have your wish, your half-brother can be found in the silly capitol of Amador. The Children of the Light will teach you, my brothers and sisters will make a three course meal of you. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I meant that literally. You will learn, how hopeless your cause is, once you meet your brother. har har har. *calls out over his shoulder* Dave! Come, let us follow mums. *Dave wanders back.*

Dave: I never found any girl Jimmy. *pouts sexily*

Jimmy: No? I wonder where she went? ah well, no matter. Let us go my faithful sidekick. *turns to Darkwood* good luck in Silly land. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA you're gonna need it. Don't worry, I will see you there. We've not met for the last time *walks off*

Darkwood turns and wanders towards his goal, alone again. He notes a sign off to his left.

Sillyland: a few paces, two hops and a skip.

And below it someone had scrawled something.

Welcome to the Circus ~ JD

Darkwood entered silly land.

WILL DARKWOOD FIND HIS BRIDE?
WILL THIS SILLYLAND POSE NEW THREATS TO OUR HERO?
CAN JIMMY ESCAPE THE WICKED GRASP OF HIS MOTHER AND GIVE DARKWOOD MORE TROUBLE
ALL THIS AND MORE
NEXT TIME
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA>

You may or may not know that this latest installment of the story has been made into a movie. following are some reviews, let's see what the critics have to say about Your Mother shall we?

I just can't get enough of Your Mother
Jon Smith

Your Mother provides two hours of solid enjoyment
Jon Edwards

For Eight bucks a pop, Your Mother is the best deal in town.
Jon Cassady

I can't believe how much I loved Your Mother. It's been a long time since I've had that much fun.
Jon Roberts

Young, old, men, women, Your Mother will please the whole family
Jon Antalamanaencesnes

For those that have the bucks and don't mind paying for it, Your Mother is a definite must.
Jon Mann

<authors note> Alright that was probably just plain wrong and certainly uncalled for, but take to heart I almost made it much much worse, but I contained myself, still, my bad. My black black heart is clearly out of control. Complaints can be sent Here. and once again, sorry if I offended.</authors note>

The End

Darkwood,
Errant Youth,
Looking for a Bride

Part 4