Language: Very bad English. If you are under the age of 18, if it is illegal or you just don't deal with it well, then leave.
Violence: Of Course! If you are under 18 Go away!
Sex: Now isn't that a big word?! No one actually does anything, but it is alluded to many, many times. This is not for the pure of heart, those under 18, those in places where it may be illegal and this is certainly not for those that can't take a joke.
This story is a continuation of Poetic License? if you are unfamiliar with it then go read it. It is a short fun story that will put this story in total perspective. (c) September 2001
Please feed the bard at [email protected]
�I�ve just cut off the flow of blood to your brain...You have 30 seconds to live.�
�Uh, Gabrielle, don�t you think that this is going just a little too far?� Xena dropped the bag of scrolls she had carried from Argo�s saddle bags and looked over the scene before her. Virgil was on his knees, his breath coming in short wheezes and his eyes opened wide. Gabrielle stood over him, she bared her teeth in a snarl.
�Gabrielle,� Xena began, �Why don�t you take the pinch off so we could discuss this like the adults that we are.�
Gabrielle stared hard at Virgil. �P-P-Puh-lease,� he attempted to say with the little breath he had in his lungs. Gabrielle bent over to meet his glazed over eyes.
�I want to see his nose gush blood,� she stated and Virgil began to tremble.
Xena let out a breath, �I want to see it as much as you do, but it�s not going to get us anywhere if he�s dead. Now release the pinch.�
Gabrielle quickly straightened and turned to Xena. The stoic, unshakeable warrior�s breath was caught and she swallowed hard when the bard�s eyes drilled right through her. Xena took an cautious step back. She blinked to shake the bard�s gaze and quickly regained her poise so that she could get a handle on the situation.
�Gabrielle, we�re running out of time. You�ll never be able to get a peep out of him at this point. Now, just release the pinch and we�ll work this out.� Xena gave a broad smile and slowly stepped forward as if she were stalking a rabbit that was about to bolt. She began to work her way around the smaller woman. But Gabrielle side stepped her, blocking her way to Virgil.
Xena needed to try a new approach. Sneaking around Gabrielle was useless. But, assurance that...... �Gabrielle, you can always put the pinch back on him again when he�s caught his breath. It�ll also give you good practice.� Once again, giving the bard the broad toothy grin, hoping that it�ll work.
Gabrielle released a long disappointed sigh and jabbed Virgil�s neck, releasing the pinch. He collapsed to the ground gasping for breath. Xena knelt down beside him, checking to see if Gabrielle had caused any damage. Xena patted Virgil on the back, �You�ll live,� she said while she stood up.
When she turned around, Gabrielle was already climbing onto her horse with the bag of scrolls.
�Where are you going?� Xena called out. No answer came from Gabrielle while she seated herself atop of the horse and with a nudge, she was headed into the woods.
�Virgil,� she said absently, �You�ve got a lot of explaining to do.� She turned back to him. He had brought himself to his knees and was slowly and shakily standing up. With a half crazed grin on her face, she closed the space between them and Virgil was back on his knees again.
�You have 30 seconds to live...And in the next 22 seconds, you�re going to tell me all about Centaurs.�
Gabrielle rode hard through the forest. Pushing her horse to the peak of his performance. Amazing her again and again with his unrelenting strength and stamina. The mass of muscles rippling beneath her. The dark hair glistening in the lathering sweat, the beauty of this tamed beast under her complete control. She leaned forward to steady herself in the saddle, the long hair of his mane brushing across her face while they galloped through the tranquil forest. Gabrielle�s leg muscles strained around the massive body, feeling the unyielding energy radiating in heat from her equine transport.
Virgil fell forward, a hand clutching Xena�s hand, which happened to be wrapped around his throat.
She gave a jolting squeeze and smiled in satisfaction when Virgil�s body replied in a sudden jerk. The corner of her mouth curled up in a lopsided grin and dug her fingers in once more.
Gabrielle tugged on the reigns to slow the horse to a trot. She eyed a stream close by and directed her horse towards it.
She dismounted and stretched her back and legs out, then reached for her waterskin. The contents swished around when she gave it a little shake, but there was only enough water in it for just a swallow. �And it�s probably backwash,� she said aloud.
Shrugging her shoulders, Gabrielle walked over to the stream and knelt down. She splashed some of the cool water on her face and began to rinse and fill the waterskin.
After taking a long, deserved swallow, Gabrielle settled herself on soft grass beside the stream.
She was still seething about Virgil and his �writing�. The long ride didn�t blow off the steam that she hoped it would.
She leaned back against a tree and closed her eyes. Images of Virgil in excruciatingly painful sit-u-a-tions brought a small smile to her lips.
�Hey Sweet Pea, what�s up?�
The voice startled her out of her day dreaming and she moved to her knees. She let out a sigh of relief and settled back against the tree. �Hey Aphrodite,� she mumbled.
�Well, I�m just thrilled to see you too,� The Goddess of Love replied sarcastically. She sauntered over to her mortal friend and sat down beside her.
Gabrielle groaned and rubbed her temples. Aphrodite watched with curiosity before asking, �What�s the matter Gabrielle? Somethin�s got your panties in a bunch.�
Gabrielle let her hands fall to her lap and she shook her head. �It�s Virgil,� she said.
Aphrodite�s face lit up and she crooned with a shake of her shoulders, �Ooh, man trouble. Right up my alley.�
Gabrielle shook her head, �No, it�s not that, Aphrodite.�
�Then if it�s not that, then what is it?� The Goddess asked, then said, �I mean he is one of the most eligible stud muffins that I�d seen this side of Greece. Not to mention, you two would look so cute together. I wonder how in Hades, Joxer, of all people, pulled him off in the genetic lottery.....�
Gabrielle held up a hand to quiet her friend, �Aphrodite, please.�
Aphrodite let out an impatient huff and said, �Then tell me what is bothering you and maybe I can help.�
�Alright. I found out that he�s been writing these stories that.....�
�Umm hmm.� Aphrodite waved a hand for the bard to continue.
�How about I just show you.� Gabrielle got to her feet, walked over to the horse and retrieved the bag of scrolls. She placed them in front of Aphrodite and sat back down.
The Goddess began to riffle through the bag and pulled out the first scroll.
Xena was now down on Virgil�s level with her arm cinched around his neck in a head-lock. She was beginning to enjoy the color changes he would go through when she would apply varying degrees of pressure during her interrogation. Red, purple, blue and back again. Oh, yes, and sometimes white.
�Now other than Centaurs, small druids, and blind Cyclops�, which I might add is inhumanly impossible to even fathom, what other freaks of nature have you placed me with.....�
�Dryads.�
That one word earned him a two fingered jab below his ear.
�My, my Gabrielle. You have been a very busy and resourceful girl.� Aphrodite peered at her from behind the scroll she was reading.
The bard threw her head back and let out a wordless grunt. Aphrodite smiled and picked up another scroll.
�Ewww,� Aphrodite said, �A horse? Now that�s distasteful.� She laid the scroll down and picked another out of the bag.
�You just find that distasteful?� Gabrielle asked in shock.
Aphrodite shrugged her shoulders and replied, �Well, not as distasteful as the searing images of Joxer�s Mighty Member that are now etched in my mind that I really could�ve done without.�
Gabrielle cast her eyes up and slowly shook her head, �What did I do to deserve this?�
Aphrodite gave her knee a reassuring squeeze, �Relax pumpkin, It�s not like it can get any worse.�
Gabrielle stared into Aphrodite�s eyes and stated, �Believe me, it does. Keep reading.�
Grunts and groans came from Virgil while he was flat out on the ground, face down, with a pissed off Warrior Princess on his back. She had twisted his arm behind his back and pinned it there. She leaned into it, threatening to dislocate it from his shoulder while she continued her �questioning�.
�Now, on with the dregs of humanity. Who, what, where, when, and by the gods, WHY?� Xena held down his upper arm while she pulled his wrist up and gave it a quick twist. A sound escaped Virgil and Xena�s eyebrow arched in question. �Gods boy, you scream like a girl.�
�Wow,� Aphrodite said in wonder, �I�ve gotta remember to add that one to the wall chart. I never thought of that position before.� She cast a glance over to Gabrielle who had drawn up her knees, wrapped her arms around them, and lowered her head, in other words, she was in the fetal position.
�Are you enjoying yourself?� she asked without raising her head.
Aphrodite fished out another scroll from the bag and unrolled it, �Not as much as these say you are.� She read for a moment the said, �Would you look at that? I wouldn�t be able to walk for at least a week after The Cleopatra Challenge.� Then she stated matter of factly, �And I�m The Goddess here.�
�I guess you�re up to the 79 Roman Soldier gang bang.� Gabrielle muttered.
�You know, you beat out good ol� Cleo by two,� Aphrodite pointed out.
Gabrielle stared at her with her jaw slack, �You�ve got to be kidding me.�
�What?� The Goddess replied defensively.
The bard eyed her incredulously, �You really are enjoying this.� She sat back and nodded, �But why does that not surprise me.�
�That�s not a good enough answer,� Xena growled through her teeth while she shifted her weight on Virgil�s contorted legs. He was still face down, but Xena had given up on both arms and was now working on his legs.
�So I�ve gone for a wild ride in Apollo�s Chariot of Love, taken every inch of Zeus� thunder bolt, and played Pan�s vein laden meat pipe,� Xena suddenly settled her weight on Virgil�s legs.
He let out a loud, �Oww!�
Xena leaned forward and whispered, �Now is there anything else you�d like to tell me?�
Aphrodite pulled another scroll from the bag, �You know Gabrielle, these aren�t that bad, the writing I mean. It�s very inventive.�
Gabrielle gave her a condescending smile, �Inventive isn�t the word that I would use to describe them.�
The Goddess seemed not to be paying attention to the bard when she gleamed, �Ohh, here�s a story about Perdicas!� Then her smile quickly faltered when her eyes moved about the text. �A dead Perdicas,� her voice dead panned.
Gabrielle�s mouth curved in a smug expression. She picked up a small stone and tossed it into the stream, �Yep, tell me how much worse it could�ve gotten.�
Aphrodite was enraptured with the scroll, �Tell me about it. I didn�t know you could doodle with a dead noodle.� She rolled up the scroll and placed it beside her, �Well, Gabby, I think we�ve hit the bottom of the pit on that one, so to speak.�
�Ohh, yeah. We most certainly did.� Gabrielle leaned back against the tree, arms folded across her chest.
The Love Goddess studied her friend with compassion. The poor kid, she thought to herself, she�s really taken a beating with this. There�s gotta be something I can do or say.
Gabrielle sat in silence, staring out into the forest. Aphrodite moved closer to her friend.
�Gabby, I�m sorry. I really shouldn�t�ve made light of this. It must really bother you. If there was anything I could do or say to make you feel better, I would...�
Aphrodite was cut off when Gabrielle turned to her. She saw a light flicker in the bard�s eyes, and then a small smile.
�Well,� Gabrielle shrugged, �There is something you can do.�
Aphrodite smiled and patted Gabrielle�s knee, �And what would that be?�
Something changed in Gabrielle�s face. Her eyes darkened and a fierce grin formed on her lips. �Pop us back over to Virgil�s so I can beat him to a bloody pulp.�
The Goddess of Love gasped, �I can�t do that.�
�Why?� Gabrielle�s expression had now changed to innocent pleading.
�Because, it�s just not right. Anyway, it�s not him you....� Aphrodite caught herself and instantaneously covered her mouth.
The bard caught that little action and had shifted to her knees. She was now above the Goddess who was shrinking back from her advance. �Aphrodite,� she drew the name out long with a slight growl, �What are you not telling me?�
Feeling the anger radiating from the bard, Aphrodite scrunched her eyes shut and raised her hands to ward off a blow that might soon follow. Gabrielle leaned in closer. �What is going on?� she breathed out in a low voice.
Feeling her immortality slipping away, Aphrodite gave in, �O.k. O.k.! I give up.�
Gabrielle smiled and backed off of the Goddess and sat back on her knees. �Explain.� she hissed through her teeth.
Aphrodite caught her breath and began, �It wasn�t Virgil who wrote those scrolls.�
�But the handwriting....�
�Would you wait for one second and let me explain?�
Gabrielle waved her hand impatiently, �Go on.�
�Someone else scribed them,� Aphrodite met Gabrielle�s eyes and continued, �He was turning a pretty good dinar with his other scrolls, so he hired someone to copy them to fill the demand.�
�And where do these travesties fit in?� Gabrielle asked, pointing to the pile of scrolls beside them.
�They found that the one�s with the juicy details sold rather well. Like that one about You, Xena, Virgil, and that angel Lucifer.�
�O.k. so who�s been writing these stories?� Gabrielle asked.
Aphrodite lowered her head and raised her eyes to Gabrielle, �Could I just give you a few hints.�
Gabrielle gritted her teeth and in an irritated tone she said, �I�m not playing games.�
Aphrodite continued to talk, �It�s someone with a lot, and I mean a lot of experience in most of those fields, and very near and dear to him.�
The bard�s mouth hung open and her eyes went wide. She jumped to her feet, pulling Aphrodite along with her.
�Whoa, whoa, what�s the rush?� she said shaking Gabrielle�s grip from her.
�We have to get back there now! At least to what might be left of Virgil. I left Xena there with him. There�s no telling what she might be doing to him.� Gabrielle gathered up the scrolls and hurried over to her horse.
�Huh?�
Gabrielle tugged Aphrodite by the arm, �A scroll about Centaur love, no time to explain.�
Aphrodite paused, tapping a finger to her chin, �Oh, yeah, the enlightening tale of how she tamed the beasts.�
Gabrielle pulled her towards the horse. �Alright, alright, I�m comin�.�
Aphrodite snapped her fingers and the two women and the horse disappeared.
�Oh, don�t give me that line of crap!� Xena snarled. Virgil was now on his back with his tormentor looming over him. Xena was now showing him how skilled she was in the art of pressure points, and at the moment, she was working on one in a very tender area.
�But it�s true!� he cried out when Xena�s hand squeezed again.
�Bullshit! Now cough!�
Her work was cut short when she heard yelling behind her.
�Xena! Stop!� Gabrielle was running towards Xena, who was crouched over Virgil.
She let go of him and said, �You are soo very lucky.� She stood up and faced Gabrielle. �Do you know what he�s trying to tell me?� She looked down with a smug look at the coughing and wheezing form of Virgil who had rolled onto his side, holding himself rather gingerly.
�Meg wrote those stories,� Gabrielle said breathlessly while she ran.
�Yeah, how did you.....� the smile fell from her face and she glanced back down at Virgil.
Gabrielle by-passed Xena and dropped to the ground beside Virgil. Xena�s eyes followed Gabrielle disbelievingly, and Aphrodite appeared.
�Oh the poor thing.� The Goddess knelt down next to Gabrielle, who was cradling him in her lap.
�What�s going on here?� Xena demanded.
Aphrodite stood up and faced Xena, �Don�t they look so cute together.�
�Yeah, well, that doesn�t answer my question.� Xena eyed Aphrodite suspiciously.
�Aphrodite,� Gabrielle said, �Can you get a cold compress somehow?�
�Sure thing, sweetie.� The Goddess snapped her fingers and a chunk of ice appeared in her hand, along with a rag. She handed them over to Gabrielle who took them and wrapped the rag over the ice.
�Where does it hurt?� Gabrielle asked Virgil.
He groaned in reply. She placed the ice on his reddened neck. �Lower,� he whispered. Without thinking, she moved it to his ribs. �No, lower,� he choked out.
�Huh?� Gabrielle uttered.
Finally Virgil grabbed her wrist and placed her hand, with the ice compress, in the very tender area that was even more tender after Xena�s administrations.
Gabrielle realized where Virgil had rested her hand and she jerked it away in reaction. She turned to Xena, who was standing with her hands on her hips.
�What exactly did you do to him?�
Xena shrugged her shoulders and replied, holing up her hand and slowly drawing her fingers into a fist, �I was merely questioning him.�
Aphrodite stepped in front of Xena and bent over the Gabrielle and Virgil, �Well, I�ll leave you guys to smooth this over. I�m late for my massage. You�ve got a lot to make up for girl.� she winked at Gabrielle and she leaned in closer and whispered, �You know where my temple is. I advise you to stop by and check out those charts. You�re gonna need them.�
Gabrielle blushed and Aphrodite chuckled, �Hey, it�s the least you can do.� She stepped back and disappeared in a shower of hearts.
Later on, after Virgil had been tended to, it was carefully explained that if any more of his mother�s twisted erotica ever came past Xena or Gabrielle again......
Disclaimer: Xena was scolded for her brand of inventive line of �quesioning�. Mainly in the way of Gabrielle levelling a finger at her and yelling, �Bad girl, bad girl,� until Xena hung her head so low that her shoulders sat higher than it and she slinked off to a quiet corner of the kitchen. Gabrielle paid a visit to Aphrodite�s temple to study up on a certain subject the next morning. Virgil regained his ability to carry on his family name for future generations to enjoy after a day of bed rest, followed by a day and night of �bed rest� with a certain vertically challenged, blonde haired, and most certainly virtuous bard.
