RealmPL

This takes place sometime in the 6th season.
Disclaimer:Lots of naughty words and phrases. Lots of quick, fictionally 'implied' sexual situations, but no real sex. If you are not 18, can't take a joke, or it's just plain illegal where you live to laugh and raise an eyebrow.... you know where the 'nice' stories are.
      Special thanx to my big sis who's most recent beginning of the story disclaimer (see A God's Sedition) had found its way into my head and was perversely twisted into a short little diddy, while I was at work--couldn't get my mind off of it.
      And thanx to every story and novel that I'd read that used the words and phrases: swollen nub, throbbing, member, manhood, nectar, engorged, impaled, rod, loins, ecstasy, crashing waves, nipple, wet, slick, womanly folds, erect, shaft......and last but not least, the word that some how, some way, finds its way into EVERY sex scene.......(drum roll please).......MOIST (blaring trumpets). Ask yourself a question now, if you may....After after reading and visualizing everything that is MOIST in a sexual situation, how can you look at an innocent box of 'Betty Crocker's MOIST chocolate cake' and NOT have atleast ONE fleeting thought about the 'other' uses of the word MOIST? ***Also, remember that MOIST places tend to be breeding grounds for interesting and some rather nasty fungii, bacteria, harmful and potentially life threatening STD's, slugs, guerrilla warfare militia, strange cults, and all around bad things.*** (Public service announcement provided by Pearl Heart)
                                                         With that said, On With The Show!!!
                                                                                                                              (c) August 2001


             "...His tongue teasingly played with her swollen nub while he lapped at the nectar of her passion? Xena!"
             "What?" The usually stoic warrior fought back her snickering laughter while the bard dropped the scroll she'd been reading from into her lap and began rubbing her temples.
             "It's not funny," Gabrielle groaned.
             "Oh, c'mon Gabrielle, it's not that bad." Xena tried with all of her might to comfort her friend, but even she knew that she wasn't convincing.
              Gabrielle picked up the scroll again and glared at her friend. "Yes--it--is. They all are, Xena," she pointed to the pile of scrolls that lay at her feet.
              Rolling up the scroll in her hands and tossing it aside to the small pile that was forming, she snatched up another and began to unroll it.
             Xena watched as Gabrielle's face had gone through a miriade of color changes, mostly in the reddish hues. "Gabrielle, if it bothers you this much, then why do you insist upon reading them?" she asked.
             "Because I want to know what people are writing about me." The bard was seething. Her face had just begun to return to it's normal complexion from the bright red that it had previously been.
             "I thought that you didn't mind if people wrote 'fiction' based upon our journeys?" Xena asked.
             Gabrielle sighed and threw her head back, "You don't seem to understand, do you?" She got to her feet and quickly closed the short distance between her and Xena. After dropping the scroll into Xena's lap, she threw her hands up into the air, "This isn't just fiction. It's....it's......"
            Xena picked the scroll up, narrowed her eyes and began to read it. "Verrrry imaginative," she drawled and read on.
            Xena's chuckling brought Gabrielle out of the moment's fit of rage, "What, what is it?" she demanded.
            When Xena was able to choke down her laughter, she started to read aloud. "His rod was athrust. Her loins were aflame. Gabrielle quivered in anticipation of being impaled upon Joxer's Mighty------ Oh Gods......too much information." The warrior winced and dropped the scroll as if it had bitten her. Xena's nose scrunched up with disgust as a deep chill passed through her. She tried to shake the images of "Joxer's Mighty Member" from her head. But it was useless. She reasoned with herself and concluded that it was going to be the stuff that nightmares are made of for a very long time.
            "See what I mean!" Gabrielle paced back and forth, "Ughhhh! I'm gonna find whoever is writing this trash and KILL THEM!" In the midst of her pacing and ranting, she levelled a finger at Xena and said, "And don't you tell me to calm down or that I'm being completely irrational, Xena. They're making me out to be the whore of.....of the known world!" Gabrielle stopped pacing and ran her hands through her hair.
          It's better than some of the things that I've been called, Xena thought to herself. She reached down and picked up another scroll. Gabrielle resumed her frantic pacing with arms flailing. While Xena was reading through the scroll, Gabrielle began mumbling things about "being put into impossible sit-u-ations".
          Without looking up from the scroll, Xena stated, "Now Gabrielle, I've told you a hundred times that those positions are completely possible." Then she added, "Wow Gabrielle, this one's paying homage to your 'many yoga skills'. Quite impressive." she nodded slowly with an arched eyebrow.
             Gabrielle paused in her pacing, closed her eyes and covered them with her hand, "With whom?" she growled.
            Xena answered with a grin, "Uh, Eli."
           The bard slowly shook her head, "This can't be happening to me." She let out a huff and asked, "O.K. Now tell me when this happened."
            Xena scanned the text and replied, "Right after he brought us back from the dead. It was your way of saying 'Thank you'. And how sweet, he also gave you a pearl necklace." The warrior smiled up at her friend, who was not finding this amusing at all.
            "The reason you find this funny is because it's my impending virtue on the line and not yours---or lack there of." The bard hissed.
            Xena let that one slide, this was just way too fun for her. She had to twist the proverbial dagger some more, especially after that last little comment. So, she discarded the scroll and took up another.
            "Hey Gabrielle, did you know that your body shuddered and your chest heaved uncontrollably when Najara rubbed your slick-----we really didn't need to know that---and when the crashing waves of ecstasy left you gasping for breath, you said, and I quote 'Show me where else the Djinn told you to touch me, oh proud Crusader' ," Xena looked up for Gabrielle's reaction with a lopsided grin, then added, "So that's what you guys were doing when I left you to watch the swans."
           Gabrielle sat down on a rock across from her. She folded her arms across her chest and hissed through her teeth, "Let's see...Now, so far, I've been with Hercules, Iolus; Hercules and Iolus, Caesar, Brutus, Octavious, David, Odin, Brunnhilde, Beowulf, Hower, J--J--Joxer; Joxer with Jace watching, Najara, Callisto, Eli, Autolycus, Rubio, Michael, your daughter, Homer, and Draco. Did I leave anyone out?"
           "Ephiny, " Xena said absently.
           "Ah, yes, Ephiny. Well atleast there haven't been any barnyard animals involved.....yet."
           Xena sat silently, tapping a finger on her lips, seemingly deep in thought, then she added, "Yes there was. That heart warming tale about how you 'bonded' with your horse at the stable in Spamona."
         "Thank you very much for reminding me of that, Xena." Gabrielle ground her teeth and glared at the person across from her that she had at one time, up until a little while ago, called friend. Now she was seriously reconsidering the word.
          "Hey, what are friends for?" Xena grabbed another scroll.
           Gabrielle shook her head and reached for a scroll. When she was about to unroll it, Xena caught her attention.
           "Now here's one for you. I think you might actually like this one. It's about Perdicas."
           Gabrielle locked eyes with Xena, "Read it."
           "Let's see....This one takes place late in the day after your wedding night----"
           Gabrielle interrupted, "But he was dead by then."
            Xena held up a hand to quiet the bard......she droned out, "And apparently he still was. 'She straddled his stiffened manhood.......' amazing what rigormortis can do to a ----Ewww! Now that was just a little too graphic for me. Someone has a very vivid imagination." Her eyes widened and she threw the scroll away from herself.
           Gabrielle's head had been lowered into her hands. She had begun chanting, "This is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me....."
           Xena began picking up scrolls, unrolling them, giving a quick glance, and tossing them aside. "This one is about Ares' throbbing manflesh; you exploring your moist folds; erecting nipples and shafts; bondage; other uses for your sais; my saddle-horn?----oh, now that one's disgusting, you don't want to read that one.......Hey Gabrielle! I didn't know you swal----"
           "XENA!!!"
           The Warrior smirked, gave a quick shrug of the shoulders and muttered to herself, "I don't see what the big deal is, alot of guys complain that they can't find a girl these days that..."
           "ENOUGH!!!"
             Gabrielle's chant had changed to, "Why is this happening to me, why is this happening to me, why is this happening to me....." And I forgot to mention that our happy little bard was also rocking herself back and forth, hugging herself and still clutching the scroll she held as if she were in a happy little padded cell.
            Xena had scooped up the last scroll from the ground. She began to read it. Her mouth hung open as she read.
             Gabrielle had broken from her trance and looked over to her friend. "Xena, what is it?"
              "Um...Gabrielle....This is an accounting of our time in Amphipolis with Lucifer and Virgil...." Xena's eyes were wide and her mouth was working to form words. She stood up and let the bottom of the scroll drop from her hand. It fell to the ground and rolled a few feet away from her.
               Gabrielle was on her feet in an instant and standing before Xena. She tucked the scroll that she'd been holding under her arm and picked up the bottom half of the scroll from the ground and began to read. When her eyes caught 'by Virgil' she looked back up at Xena in shock.
               "Virgil wrote this, " was all Gabrielle could say.
              Xena shrugged her shoulders and began, "Well, it was an accurate portrayal of...." Xena stopped in mid-sentance, reading the anger building on Gabrielle's face, "What's wrong."
                Gabrielle handed the scroll she'd been holding onto over to Xena. "Look at this one, the handwriting is the same," she said.
               Xena took the scroll and glanced at the bard. Her eyes narrowed and she bit her lip.
                Both women's eyes locked. They had the same thought screaming through their heads and expressed it in unison, "I'm gonna kill the bastard!!!"
                Xena drew her sword and marched over to Argo II.
                 Gabrielle was dumbfounded. "Oh, so now you want to defend my honor?" she called out.
               Resheathing her sword, Xena swung herself atop of Argo, "Oh, no Gabrielle, I'm not worried about your honor... I'VE NEVER FUCKED A CENTAUR!!!"

Disclaimer: Gabrielle's impending virtue was not harmed by any prose written by bards with extremely vivid imaginations or who feel the need to express their deepest fantasies through her. Her virtue remains one, maybe two steps above virginal--as always. Although, Virgil's future may no longer forsee the bearing of children on his behalf. oh, yeah, almost forgot....Xena's honor was not harmed in any way due to the implied interspecial relations of a sexual kind with a Centaur (she made sure of that----see above Virgil disclaimer).