| Week 36 This was my first week at home. I spent most of it working on various projects and compiling lists and just generally starting to nest. Mom kept me company quite a bit on her days off. It's been one of the more difficult weeks, though. My cousin lost her baby. This is the same cousin that I mentioned several weeks back. It was more upsetting than I had expected. She went in to hear the heartbeat and they couldn't find it, so they did an ultrasound. It appeared the baby had passed earlier that week or the week before. I am so upset for her. I also struggle with the emotions I had early on in her pregnancy, when I first found out. The ones where I was not quite as thrilled for her as I could have been. It's not guilt so much as being upset that I did not enjoy as much for her as I could have or should have. She seems to be doing pretty well and even talks about trying again. I can relate well to her because of this. Her attitude appears very similar to what my own attitude was, just shortly after losing Matthew. I kind of feel like my family is being picked on this year. How is it, that in less than a year I lost my son, my half-sister lost her baby and my cousin lost her baby? I've said it before, but all of this is terribly unfair. I want to go back to the time of innocence when nothing happened to babies, when babies didn't die. The amnio was on Tuesday and it went pretty well. I was nervous going into it and that wasn't so much the needle as where they were planning to stick the needle. Needles just don't belong in anyones stomach. My mom went with and we got to see Almond on ultrasound again. The novacaine hurt worse than anything else. It really burned going in. I would have told him not to bother with the novacaine, but he already had the needle out and loaded before I realized what was happening. After the amnio, I had a non-stress test and everything was just perfect. Bedrest for the rest of the day and restricted duty after that, no vacuuming, lifting etc. Who doesn't mind not doing that? I've decided that I don't do all that well on bedrest, though. Glad it was only one day. The results for the amnio were in already at my Friday appointment. Almond had to get a 3.0 on one measure and a 1500 on the other. She got a 3.4 on the one and 1550 on the other, so the c-section is all set for next Friday. 1550, was just barely passing, but all she had to do was pass, so we're good. I cannot believe that was my last OB appointment for this pregnancy. It just doesn't hardly seem possible. It's a good feeling, though, it reminds me how close we are getting and helps to get through the last week. Had trouble on Thursday, got really nervous about the baby for some reason and had to keep checking the doppler. I'm not sure what triggered the nervousness, whether it was my cousins loss or the closeness or what. After I got through that day, though, I was fine. Attended a friends daughter's first birthday on Saturday. I had really wanted an invitation and wasn't sure if she would send one. Not even sure why I wanted the invitation, just felt a need to participate. I had truly expected it to be difficult to see all of the blessings turning one this month and it hasn't been nearly as hard as I had thought. They are their own unique individuals. Not one is Matthew or anything like Matthew would have been at this age. Maybe focusing on that has helped. Matthew's one year birthday into heaven is approaching quickly. I've worked on his card and am feeling confident in sending it out. We've decided to put the address for the hospital in the card so that if our friends and family choose to, they can send a donation to the loss group. This part of the hospital was an amazing help to us. We are donating hand plaques and additional funds. The mediator of the loss program for the last several years has provided much of the books and teddy bears and information and time, out of her own pocket. We'd just like to help in any way we can. I've jumped around a little bit this week, but that is kind of how my thoughts run. I can't seem to keep single thoughts running in a straight line for very long. If I need to do something, I have to take a reminder with me and carry it around until I finish whatever that thing is otherwise I will completely forget what it was I had planned to do. Not sure if this is just a conitinuation of placenta brain or if it's more that we're getting so close to the end of this chapter. |