| Week 37 Writing wise, this is a short week. Normally my journal was written based on a Sunday to Sunday time schedule, but my c-section is scheduled for Friday. The hardest time this week was going from Sunday to Monday. I'm not sure that I can explain this clearly, but I'll try. Matthew was scheduled to be induced on Monday, November 19th. Sometime during the night between Wednesday, November 14th and Thursday, November 15th, my baby boy died. So on Sunday night I was dealing with the fact that I was now the same number of days from Almond's birth as I was from Matthew's birth, when we lost him. I woke up countless times that night, each time waking long enough to feel Almond move before going back to sleep. One time it took longer than I felt like it should, so I used the doppler to check her heartrate. Monday morning I woke up to feel Almond kicking and rolling and felt like a big weight had been lifted. The rest of the week was actually very easy for me. Somehow passing this milestone and knowing that I only had to wait these last few days, helped me to relax a lot. Dylan wasn't so lucky. He spent this last week being much more nervous. I could tell, his coworkers could tell and the family could see it also. For him, this last week was one of the most nervewracking. It was most difficult on me that I couldn't do anything to make him feel as I did or even just a little more comfortable that Friday would bring the safe delivery of our precious baby. After not having smoked in eight weeks, he had a little bit of a relapse. Truthfully, I cannot blame him. I know that I've spent the previous 36 weeks being terrified of every sign or imagined sign that something might be wrong. Everyone called this week to check in on me. I really appreciate the concern and I know that they're excited and happy for us. My only trouble with this is that everyone wanted to know how excited I was. They don't understand that my excitement is reserved for Friday when I'm laying in the operating room and they're delivering my baby. I just can't get excited in the way that everyone wants me to be. Am I happy that this journey finally has an end in sight, one that can be measured in just a few days or even hours? Absolutely. The trouble is that we've been here before. We've planned for a baby and even made it to the hospital believing that everything would go as planned and that a healthy baby would be our reward. It hasn't happened that way for us. We have only had the anticipation, never the reward. It's hard to get excited when you know that things don't always turn out as they are planned. Again, this isn't to say that I believe anything bad will happen, only that mentally I cannot work myself up into anticipating what it will be like to have a baby at home. This is the last entry in my pregnancy journal and it's hard to believe that I'm here. It has taken a great deal of faith for me to start and then continue writing this journal. Much of me feared that it might never be finished. When I started, this was meant to be an affirming activity for me. Something that I would be able to treasure not only during writing it, but also after the pregnancy is over. Someday I will be able to show my daughter this journal and she might get an understanding of everything we went through to bring her into this world. Maybe she will get a glimpse of how much she is truly wanted and loved. Thank you to those who have shared this journey with me. Many of you have told me how much it meant to share this time with me and I can only say that is has meant a great deal to me to be able to share with you my thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. |