| Week 25 It is in this week that baby's chance of survival starts to increase dramatically. This means that Almond would have a chance of surviving outside of my body. As the weeks progress, this chance grows almost exponentially. This terrifies me. It doesn't scare me the same way it did during my pregnancy with Matthew. During that time, it was an "I'm-going-to-be-somebody's-mother" kind of fear and I wasn't sure that I was ready to be somebody's mother. No, this fear is less defined. Now that I have been waiting for almost a year and a half to take my baby home from the hospital, I can honestly say that I am completely ready to mother. The fear that I experience now is related to the fact that my baby might be safer outside of my body, rather than inside of my body. My doctor, my husband, my family, my friends and probably most of the rest of the world would argue this point with me. My doctor would quote statistics and disabilities and lung maturity, etc. Everybody else would try to ease my fear and would talk about lightning not striking twice. In the nine years we've lived in this house, the neighbors have been struck by lightning...twice. That sounds awfully pessimistic and it is not generally in my nature to be such. I have, for most of my life, been a very optomistic person. I'm the Pollyanna that wants to look on the bright side of things. If I hurt my left hand, well, it could be worse, at least I write with my right hand. That being said, I do have very possitive feelings about the outcome of this pregnancy. I believe that I will be taking my baby home from the hospital with me. Things have been progressing smoothly and I am once again having a text book pregnancy. People like to ask pregnant women how they're feeling. Because of the loss of Matthew, they also ask frequently how the pregnancy is going. I don't remember this as much, the first time around. My answer is always the same, I'm fine, the baby's fine, pregnancy agrees with me. This is the honest truth. I love being pregnant. My asthma is better, my allergies are usually better, current week excluded. I love rolling over in the morning and playing with Almond. This is our special time, our alone time when no one else is needing or wanting anything from me. I enjoy watching my belly grow and round out. There is nothing that even comes close to comparing to the pregnant body. I feel closer to Dylan and there just doesn't seem to be all that much wrong with the world. Then I get out of bed. Thursday brought a sort of panic attack. I had just left work for the evening and was driving home. Having just gotten on to the freeway, I started to think about the last time I felt Almond move. Usually when I want a little action, I say "Okay baby, Mom could use a little reassurance" and within 5-10 minutes I get a few nice kicks before Almond settles down again. This was not the case on that day. As I got closer to home and the time stretched out, I started to get really nervous. I went over the day and tried to remember when the last kicks I had felt were. There were kicks in the morning and I remembered a few around lunch, although I wasn't sure whether they were before or after lunch. After that I just couldn't picture any movements. I started to panic and could feel my chest getting tight and my breathing shallow. I knew that Sheralyn was no longer in the office, so I thought I would stop by to see Darlene at the hospital. She had said I could come in any time to listen to the heartbeat. Unfortunately when I got to the hospital, Darlene had already left for the day and the nurses could not "just" listen for the heartbeat. So, they admitted me and I headed to a room for a non-stress test. Fairly quickly after she put the monitor on my belly, I could hear that beautiful sound. My fear was immediately washed away. The test was good and they discharged me. I felt bad for bothering the nurses and later that evening felt just plain silly for panicking so quickly. Dylan just kept reminding me that this is normal, that I am going to worry more. On Friday, a friend let me use her doppler to listen to Almond's heartbeat again. As soon as I put the wand to my belly, there was that sound again. It was at that point that I decided to rent my own doppler. Up until then, I had avoided doing so because I was afraid that I would try to find the heartbeat and wouldn't be able to locate it. Then I would panic and end up at the hospital. Since not having the doppler hadn't prevented this scenario, I decided that I might as well try to find the heartbeat before rushing in to bother the nurses again. At least then I could say that I'd already tried and now needed expert help. I will order the doppler online on Monday and wait anxiously until it shows up. At least then I'll be able to soothe myself at least occasionally. Even if I can't just permanently attach it to my stomach. |