| Week 26 I've started to settle into a sort of peace with this pregnancy. The anxiety is still there. It's always just a little below the surface and the panic is waiting in the wings. There is, however, a new security along with the tension. Monday was the first time I tried attending both Pregnancy After Loss groups. I went to the first one at the hospital downtown and then left early to go to the second one. There were a lot of positive feelings at the first group. I did tell them about my panic episode, but then we talked about nurseries and decorations. The whole thing felt so very normal. More like a bunch of moms with no thoughts of loss or worries, just discussing themes and comfortors and decorations. Somebody on the outside looking in, might have though it was a just some pregnant women having a nice evening chat. Except that it was in a hospital with a nurse present. The second meeting was the first meeting for that group. Amy had said she planned on coming, but it was just me and the moderators. It was good to be able to go more in depth on some of my feelings about Matthew and now Almond and how they relate. One of the moderator's told me about what a doctor/psychologist had once told her. He had said that there is memory stored in the womb and that Almond might actually "know" Matthew even better than I do. Since they have shared the same very intimate home, that this baby will never not know Matthew. That's a wonderful thought. I worry that Almond will feel somehow cheated. This baby will always be my oldest child, although will never be my first child. When Almond is born, everything will still be very fresh and new. There will be no true hand-me-downs from his/her older brother, but neither will everything be truly, absolutely his/hers either. The nursery will always have belonged to Matthew first, as will the clothes and toys. Maybe this is why I felt so strongly about getting new furniture. With Matthew we didn't buy a crib, because we were going to use Morgan's. We did order a dresser, however, we cancelled it after we lost Matthew. The only real furniture we had was the rocker/glider and the cradle. It became very important to me to buy a new crib and a new dresser. At the time, I couldn't pinpoint why I felt this way, but I think that maybe I was already realizing that Almond needed something that was for him/her exclusively. Something that was picked out with Almond in mind, not already there waiting for the arrival of another baby. The crib will probably be passed to the next baby, but it that is the progression of things. A baby comes home, uses the baby stuff, grows out of it and then passes it on to his/her siblings. At least that's how it's supposed to go. Maybe the new crib and dresser is my way of ensuring this happens, as much as I can anyway. Is it possible for a child to ever understand how much it's parents really love it? Will Almond ever understand how much we want and love him/her? Are children really supposed to understand this? I'm not sure I believe they should. I wonder if it might not be scary to grow up knowing how much your parents love you and how devastating the loss of your presence would be. That seems like a lot of pressure. The doppler arrived on Wednesday even though I really hadn't expected it to come until Thursday. It was ordered from babybeat.com. I managed to control my enthusiasm until Dylan got home and we could use it for the first time, together. Listening to my unborn baby's heartbeat will never cease to amaze and thrill me. It didn't take more than a few seconds to find the galloping horse that is my favorite sound. We listened for a minute and then put it away. I will limit myself to once a day, as long as this is possible. On a side note, Dylan has quit smoking. He's only really tried this one other time, that I know of. It was kind of a half-hearted attempt and I think he made it almost three days. Maybe it was only two. He promised Andrea that he would quit by his birthday and then he decided to quit by the time they moved into the new shop at work. When I started checking into life insurance and found out that it costs about twice as much to insure a smoker as it does to insure a non-smoker and that the rates will go up significantly on his 25th birthday, I gave him this information and he quit the next day. As of Thursday, Dylan is no longer a smoker. I want to help, but am not sure how to go about doing so. This is actually one of those things that he has to do on his own. The deal is that when the blood test comes back negative for nicotine, he gets to buy his new Playstation 2. I know that the road will be difficult, but I have faith in him. I have a doctor appointment on Monday and I will be checking into our last ultrasound. The hospital near our house has just purchased a 4D ultrasound and I would love to be one of the first patients to use it. Hopefully, the doctor will be indulgent and will order that for us. How amazing to see Almond in 3D and also be able to see the movement of his/her tiny hands and feet, all at the same time. I will also need to bring up that I have rented the doppler and discuss further the VBAC vs repeat c-section debate. After the appointment we are heading to the state fair. This is the one thing that I look forward to all summer. I haven't missed a fair in I'm not sure how many years. There is so much excitement at the fair. It's impossible to get bored with everything there is to look at and try out. Dylan is interested in checking out one of this years newest on-a-stick additions, maccaroni. Someone told me they deep fry it and while I'm not sure that I'm up for that, Dylan is ready to be a guinnea pig. I do know that there is a fudge puppie calling my name. |