| Week 24 I feel like I start every journal off with "this was a busy week." The truth is, it was. Monday was my second time meeting with the Pregnancy After Loss support group. It was my first time meeting the third couple. Interesting people. They are both a little bit quieter than myself although, he did more talking than I would expect. I brought up the whole c/section issue vs. VBAC. The moderators explained some things that I hadn't known, including that Almond can still be placed on my chest immediately following birth, rather than being whisked away for tests and such. Also, I could consider having a doula present even though we wouldn't be trying the vaginal delivery. Starting to lean towards a repeat c/section again. Not sure when I'll make up my mind, but I have until election day at the latest. My intention was to also go to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss support group as well. In fact, Dylan was going to meet me there. However, I started chatting with one of the other group members and she mentioned that she had stopped going to the group because she felt she was making others uncomfortable. Had I been making others uncomfortable? We kept chatting and eventually it was too late to go to the meeting. I was feeling that if I kept talking to her then I wouldn't miss the other group so much. We had dinner at Burger King and I left about 9pm. As it turned out, Dylan did go to the group thinking I would be late. After listening to him talk about who was there and what had happened, I was bummed that I didn't go. Then he gave me a flyer for another Pregnancy After Loss support group. They decided to reestablish the one by our house. The problem is that it meets on the same night as the group I started going to and I don't feel like I can just leave them. I want to go to the new one because it will have the people in it that have been around since we lost Matthew or at least shortly thereafter. I'd just go to both, but the second one starts at the same time as the first one ends and they are about 35minutes apart. I think I'll give the grief counselor a call and see what she thinks. Tuesday, something happened. I've been trying to figure it out for the last 15 minutes and just cannot fathom what it was. I know that there was something planned for this night because my mom had wanted to go shopping, but we couldn't. I told her we would have to go shopping on Wednesday because on Tuesday I was... That's where it ends. I just cannot figure out what was going on that night. Ugh! Placenta brain strikes again. Wednesday I ended up working really late and then had plans to go shopping with my mom for the supplies we needed for our Thursday class. Shopping with my mom always takes longer than it seems like it should. I had allocated the rest of the evening to do this and it took most of the rest of the evening. Thursday evening was our painting class. It was a one-stroke class and we made lamp shades. I've never been much of a drawer or painter. I consider these two things on about the same level of difficulty, hard. However, this class showed how to do the basics of one-stroke painting and it was really easy. Not much to making things look okay because by the very nature of this type of painting, the picture is not supposed to look perfect. Everything should be recognizable, but not necessarily true to life or size. My lamp shade looks pretty darn good, even if I say so myself. Friday evening was a party at Fonda's. She had a Mary Kay demonstrater over. I invited Trish to go with and we really had a good time. It usually is a good time at Fonda's house. Everyone tends to be very lively and have a pretty good sense of humor. I'm not sure what the demonstrator really thought, but she seemed to take the group pretty much in stride. Everyone was a little disappointed that I hadn't called immediately after the last ultrasound. I guess a big part of me really thought that they wouldn't be all that interested. I know everybody loves a baby and Dylan's family especially, but there's the whole issue of Almond being the second baby and my feeling like everybody isn't as excited and doesn't want me bothering them. My issue, not theirs. I'm going to try to do better. Teri and Lyn got a chance to feel Almond moving. It's amazing what those little bumps can do to people. Lyn is always especially interested. She calls me about once a week or so to check in and see how things are going. Dylan picked up the dresser for Almond's room on Friday night while I was at the party. Saturday evening we took it back because there was some damage done to the front of it. I also picked up the mattress for the crib and the mattress pad. This, all in preparation for putting the nursery together. I got everything out into the living room and even emptied the closet of our crystal. Crystal that has been shuffled from one room to another since we got married, but I digress. Once the room was emptied and the crib was installed where I wanted it, I decided to start by putting away the baby blankets. This seemed like the easiest thing to start with. Physically and volume wise yes, emotionally, no. Once I started sorting them, folding them and thinking about them, I wasn't doing so well. There were so many hand made blankets. So much time and love went into creating these beautiful gifts. It just reminded me so much of what was lost and could never be. Each stitch or knit was added with Matthew in mind. There are some that would be used for subsequent children regardless of being hand made, but there are others that would have been Matthew's alone. The ones from the grandma's and from Laurel, would have belonged to Matthew only. These are the people that would have made another blanket for a second baby. Will they understand how important and individual this baby is? Will they know how important it is to me that Almond receive his or her own special blanket made by them with love? I'm not sure. I know that my mom will, but I'm not sure about the other grandma's. Then there is the issue of Laurel getting older. I don't know that she is making quilts anymore. Would she have made one for a new baby if Matthew had lived? I don't know the answer to this. If Matthew were here and we were pregnant again, maybe a little later, I don't know that she would be able to make another quilt. I'm afraid that others may consider Almond to be a replacement even while Dylan and I understand that a new baby is it's own unique, individual new life. |