| Week 21 A significant event this week is that I was finally referred to a Pregnancy After Loss support group. I had been asking after this type of group for the last three months with no luck. Darlene was able to locate one that meets at United hospital. The group meets twice a month on the first and third Monday of each month. Monday of this week was my first meeting. Right now it's a very small, very intimate group. I make up the third pregnancy. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. A small group by it's nature means that the participants generally have the chance to get to know one another well. However, with a larger group there is a range of experiences that cannot be accounted for in a very small group. There are two facilitators, so that does help to broaden the range of information. One of the participant couples was not there, so this meeting was very close. I had those first group jitters that accompany any first time thing. Would I like this group, would they like me? Would there be acceptance of my insecurities? It was a little ackward for me at first and I think for the other's too. Anytime someone new comes into a close knit group, there tends to be a little bit of ackwardness until they have a chance to relax and feel eachother out. One of the facilitators had told me her story on the phone earlier in the afternoon. Now, the other group member and the second facilitator shared their stories with me and I shared Matthew's story with them. It is always painful, though healing. The member that was there, is just 1-2 weeks farther along in her pregnancy and that is a really nice occurance. It means that she'll experience many of the same things as I do right around the same time or a little ahead of me. We were able to discuss how this pregnancy is different from the pregnancy that resulted in our loss. They understood the sometimes anger, disappointment, fear, excitement, anticipation and general unpreparedness that accompanies being pregnant after having lost a child. There is such an innocence lost and I know I refer to this a lot, but it's really the only statement that describes completely my viewpoint. I long for the ability to believe that the end result of a healthy pregnancy is a healthy baby or at least a living baby. All I ever wanted to be was a mother. From the time I was a little girl, and I know that little girls in our society are generally programmed to feel this way, I dreamt of the day when I would have my own child. Dolls were, for a long time, high on my wish list. The more realistic the better. Cabbage Patch Kids were at first the ultimate and while they always held a special place in my heart, those dolls that cried, wet, ate, fussed and even grew were fascinating. How much more real could it get? In high school, I was always just a little in awe of those who did get pregnant and have a baby. I knew their life was not to be envied, they had difficulties and struggles that I didn't want to even begin to imagine, so I waited. College was next and while many classmates had families, I knew that for me it was better to finish before starting my own family. Dylan and I dutifully waited to marry until the week after I graduated from college, literally. One week to the day after I walked in commencement ceremonies, we were married. Then we knew that we needed a little time to learn to live with eachother before starting afamily, so we waited. I started a new job and went back to school in the span of about three months. Bad time to start a family, so we waited. When we were ready, we tossed out the birth control and threw caution to the wind and we waited. Our prayers were answered when that second little blue line showed up on a little magic wand most people call a home pregnancy test or hpt. Then the real waiting began. We waited to make it out of the first trimester. We waited to feel baby's first movements. We waited for me to start to show. We waited through spring, summer and the better part of fall. We waited for the doctor to indicate that those tightnings I was feeling in my abdomen were actually doing something. Then we just waited. Our waiting would not pay off, this time. Then we waited for the doctor to give us the okay to try again. We waited for the next little magic wand to reveal it's secret line. We were not nearly as patient this time, but we waited. Now we're waiting again for all those little milestones that we remember so well from last time. Only this time the waiting is different. There is not the patient acceptance that this is what needs to be done to get to our goal. Unfortunately we know that all the waiting in the world will not ultimately lead to our desired outcome. So this time, along with the waiting...we hope. |