| Week 20 It was important to write about this week, even though I'll be writing about week 23 next. Week 20 is when we had our most recent ultrasound, a level II ultrasound. Even before we got pregnant again, the OB/GYN promised that we would have a level II ultrasound midway through the pregnancy. The date it was scheduled for was July 8th. It was the first day after we returned from our trip to Chicago. This was actually a really good time to have it as I did not spend the week before and especially the weekend before, thinking about and anticipating the ultrasound. It seemed to come in it's own due time. The designated time was 1pm and both Dylan and my mom met me at the clinic. Just minutes before I left for the appointment, I downed the requisite 16oz of water. By the time we walked into the office, there was no way I could sit down and relax as the receptionist suggested, "I'll just stand, thanks." Shortly the tech called us into the office and went through the normal pre-exam questions about why we were scheduled for the level II and when our loss occured. My thoughts ran to why wasn't this information in the file she had because we had to use specific codes to even get the level II and I know that our loss has been well documented. She had me lie down and this greatly relieved the pressure on my bladder. I became almost comfortable again, almost. In the next hour, we watched as she measured every inch of the life growing within me. We saw the head and both hemispheres of Almond's brain. The spinal column, arms, legs, feet, hands, lungs, diaphragm were all present and accounted for. A beautiful four chambered beating heart was measured and remeasured, the beating pattern taken and retaken. This really is a breathtaking experience. There is nothing like the experience of taking that peak into the womb to view what is meant to be a mystery. At one point the tech took the standard picture of a full frontal view of Almond's face. I jokingly referred to it as the alien shot. This view is taken to determine the possibility of a cleft lip or palett. None was found, but the view reminds me that this little person, so complete is yet a mystery. Even with the technology that allows us to see our baby before his or her arrival, we are still outsiders looking in and everything within is still foreign. As much as Dylan wanted to find out the sex of baby Almond, there was just no cooperation. Legs crossed and curled in a ball is the way that Almond spent most of the ultrasound. Almost to the end of the ultrasound, the tech let me use the restroom before finishing. After having done most of the measuring, I did ask about baby's sex. The tech said that while she did not see any little boy parts, we should not start buying pink. So, we are left wondering and waiting. What a beautiful surprise that will be. After the ultrasound Dylan and my mom had to go back to work. I had taken the rest of the day off. We left the clinic and I asked Dylan about the ultrasound pictures. This pregnancy is so different from the last one. This baby really is our second child. I am reminded of this after certain moments in time, like Dylan not being ready to take the ultrasound pictures with him to work. His reaction upset me a great deal. I wanted him to be just as excited to take these ultrasound pictures as he was to take Matthew's ultrasound pictures. The truth is though, the guys at work have seen ultrasound pictures, they've seen their own children's, they've seen their friends childrens and they've seen Dylan's. He understood this, but it upset me a great deal. There isn't the same excitement, the same unknowns. I feel so guilty for not having the same excitement and want so desperately for someone to be just as excited as if Almond were our first child. The truth, so obvious, is that things are different the second time around and it is very difficult to get so excited while being terrified of the possibility of a bad outcome. I went home and took a nap. When I woke up, I felt ten times better. Apparently part of my depression and being upset was actually due to needing more sleep. We hadn't exactly had a regular sleeping pattern while in Chicago. Almond's movements started to be noticable while in Chicago and became more pronounced throughout this week. That helped to ease my anxiety some. Although the trouble is that I would like to feel movement all the time and a baby's gotta sleep and relax some too. I know that I will need to remain patient. A friend from online mentioned the other day not to make the mistake she did, where she ate all the time in an effort to keep her baby moving. Good point. The only disappointing aspect around the ultrasound was the lack of information from the tech. She was pleasant and pointed out the important things, kept a running commentary about what she was doing through most of the exam. However, what she did not do was tell us how much baby weighed or where baby was measuring. There wasn't quite the interaction there had been for Matthew's ultrasound. I would really have liked that information and hope that it will be in the radiology report. |