Well it took awhile but here I am in Ethiopia. The movie studio didn't like the idea of a prequel and cut the budget so I'm here doing a casting call and how could I go wrong. These people will work for cheap. I just wish they'd stop staring at me while I eat. Ya know if you feed one you gotta feed em all yadda yadda than they follow you home. I should probably feel bad but this food is delicious and I don't like sharing , they'll die soon anyways. Me and my buds are taking bets when this little fella bites the dust. I wish the little prick would give up , I'm losing so much money. Listen ya little shit , you aint got nothing goin for you and those packages falling from the sky , its not food , its napalm. Oh well.
Well we gotta find the strongest ones so they'll survive the trip home so we made the Ethiopean olympics to find the best. First event was pretty easy , we tied a donut to the back of a jeep and drove really slow if they get too close we speed up its cruel but above all else funny. Hey , we're not all that cruel , we'll split the donut with the winner.
Next event we have them jump over a quarter . . . if they're not exhausted they get the job.
Next event , swimming event , winner gets a medical bag. Sadly though very few could swim all the way to the other side of the bathtub.
Its very hard to judge the events when competition arrives. Kathy Lee Gifford is always "coincidently" nearby. Sure. Sweat shops are very popular in these areas. The parents are very supportive and share the profits. There are a lot of benefits too , you get to hang with your friends . . .no wait thats if you piss off Kathy Lee.
Suddenly a helicopter dropped in front of me and a studio exec walked up to me. It was great news , the sequel had managed to beat the hilarious new Mel Gibson film Passion of Christ at the box office. My films were in high demand again. Beer run didn't do so good cuz of the cost to hire Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L Jackson but kids of all ages are appreciating them for starring in a masterpiece that connects with so much of todays youths. Anyways to the helicopter I went but before I left I turned back to the Ethiopeans and felt sorry for them and decided to open a mcdonalds , they can't afford it but its the thought that counts.
GENTLEPERV THE PREQUEL: THE PASSION OF THE PERV
Chapter 1 : the ways of the ninja.
January 2nd 1983 Inside a lonely hospital. A new mother holds her child up. "I'm so happy , lets call him Burton . . . no thats not good enough , something wimpy and with a y at the end and people will think he's gay or some shit and it'll be so dorky and he'll grow up to be so shy because its such a cute name . . .NICKY!!" She puts the child on the ground and watches it crawl over to the father. The father smiles. "Say daddy!!" "goo goo" "Huh? what the fuck is goo goo? Honey our son's retarded." He drop kicks the child out the window and waves goodbye. "See ya ya piece a shit"
Young Nicholas did not die though and was raised by a family of ducks. People would throw him crackers , not realizing he was in fact a human infant. Eventually the ducks migrated to Japan where he was raised by samurai. He was beaten severly to toughen him up. This would normally be cruel but because he was a child it was quite funny.
Meanwhile the young woman cried at the hospital for a checkup. The father had taken to a nearby bathroom. A doctor walks in and hears the father's disturbing gas and tries to keep a straight face. The mother cries out." Have you seen my son?" The doctor breaks into laughter and can not keep a serious face. "Haha , nope , he's probably dead by now and thrown into a ditch somewhere or dragged by a truck. hahaha I bet somewhere there's a dead baby burning on the tar somewhere. Oh my god I can imagine how it must smell by now hahahaha. " He walks outside and sees another patient's mother. "How's my son?" "Hahahaha sorry , he's dead , he was gang banged and visciously raped with a broken beer bottle. You wouldn't even recognize the body hahahaha." The mother begins crying.
Meanwhile Nick's master taught him well. "Fear no pain." He kicks young Nicholas in the junk. "You feel how , young warrior?" Nick turns to him. "You kicked me in the fucking nuts" "Does it hurt?" "Does a bear shit in the woods?" Nick looks out the windows and sees two ninjas aproaches. "Who might these be?" "Those are your challengers. It is time you prove your worth Nicksan."
Nick steps outside and sees his fellow ninjas , Bob and Tristan . Though only 5 Tristan has a full grown beard. The three bow to each other than take a fighting stance."HEEEEEEEEYAAAAAA!!!" Tristan blows dust into Nick's eyes but he instead turns to his other senses. Nick closes his eyes and blocks a punch by Bob. "Hahaha try again , Bob." "You know my name?" "Yes I can smell it." Nicksan kicks Bob back and concentrates on Tristan. "Warrior , you can not concentrate ," says Nick ,"It is too humid and you forgot to wear underwear , your itching scrotum is sticking to the side of your leg. You must scratch." Tristan resists. Nicksan is surprised. "You have a strong will." Just than Bob throws a throwing star but Nick jumps out of the way. "What else you got?" Bob jumps up 20 feet and crashes down with a flaming fist to the ground. The earth shakes and knocks Nick to the ground . Tristan jumps atop Nick than picks him up. He twirls him around than hurls him against a tree. Tristan and Bob unite and combine their energies into one body , the Triboban. The Triboban rushes at him "Punch of doom!!karookary!" Nick steps back as the tree is punched in half. "Kick of the infinite!!ayodoree!!" Nick is struck and thrown back seven meters and a meter is about three feet which means Nicksan was thrown back about 21 feet which is pretty impressive , you couldn't through someone that far even if it was a little child , go ahead try it.. Nick is bent over trying to stand as the Triboban runs up behind. "Donkey punch!!! ooohlala!!!"
The master quickly interupts. "Thats enough , you are all powerful but you don't belong here. You belong back home in America." Bob looks in a mirror to see that he indeed is not Asian and screams. Nick bows. "Goodbye master , you have taught me well , perhaps we will meet again." "Yes , but go now , you will meet a man who will teach you how to speak english. Than you will blend in with the community until the ninjas call you back to fullfill your destiny." "Oaky doak." Before they left the ninjas were tattooed on the inside of their lower lip. The sacred ninja tattoo that indintifies their clan , the eastcoastninjapimps.
Eventually the young warriors reach home and are met by Josh. "Whats crackalackin?" The ninjas are confused. Josh tries again"Ayo drop it like its hot. Represent for the ninja bros." He leads the way ."Can't wear no ninja suits round here , we'll spend that christmas cash and hook you up with the bling bling ol g."
The ninjas soon learned the lingo of the streets. "Ayup , cah , lobstah , salty rubbah cack , my hair isn't long enough to braid , i cried for nights , please don't touch it , i feel shame."
Eventually Nick knew he must confront his demons and return to his family. He knocks on his door. The father answers. "Aww shit!! " He attempts to kick young Nicholas but is thrown to the ground instead. Nick stands atop him. "Don't like me I don't like you. Listen up you miserable shit , would you want your friends to know a five year old just handed you your ass. We will never speak of this moment again and continue this hate for it is destined that I cannot live down to your standards. Now bitch , step off less I be forced to break you." The mother walks in and sees the son and instantly remembers. "Retar . . .NICKY!! She gives him a hug , not seeing him flip off his father.
Years pass and the young ninjas forget their past. To them they were never in Japan at all. Nick has now assumed his new
life as a lobstermen. At age ten young Nicholas ran into some people at the dock. Young Kev and Jimmy are swatting at seagulls. Kev is in a rage , "I swear those fucking birds will be the death of us, hear these words , remember them well.." Suddenly the birds attack visciously. Nick quickly lets loose with ninja fury and saves them. Kev is surprised. "How did you do that?" "I . . .I don't know." Jimmy isn't impressed. "Birds didn't attack us , we're just high." Nick passes the joint and looks around. They are inside a house. "Indeed , well I gotta go."
Meanwhile a child ninja smiles from the shadows. "Yes young Nicholas , you will remember the ways of the ninja. You are the chosen one. You will lead us to victory against the flannel ninjas!!!!!" Nick turns around. "Who said that?" The ninja tries to go camouflage. He strips naked and jumps to the ground. Nick is disgusted. "What the fuck are you doing?""This!!"
The ninja jumps off the dock and rides a giant fish to safety. The ninja takes off his mask and laughs. Its Jason.
Nick is confused. "I am confused"
What will happen next?!! Well , its a prequel , not like they're gonna die , but stay tuned cuz you have nothing better to do.