An old man with TB logoed onto his chest jumps down in front of the guard."You've been had by Teabagger!" His zipper is open , revealing his dangling flesh dumplings. The guard runs. Teabagger tries to follow but gets a cramp. He raises his arms above his head and breathes deep. He starts swaying his hips back and forth for momentum and than swings his balls in the guard's direction.
Out of nowhere a man interferes and grabs the balls. Teabagger gasps. "One SIde of my Face is Wet Man!" OSOMFWM punches the balls with his free hand. "Thats right Teabagger." The superhero appears like an ordinary man only name fittingly one side of his face is wet. Teabagger gasps in horror. "Why is one side of your face wet? Its sweat . . . no , why would only one side of your face sweat?! What . . .what the fuck are you?!!" "Hungry for justice , teabagger!!" OSOMFIWM bites down on the mannuts which at his age look like a plumb left in the sun for too long and savagely shakes his head back and forth like a dog with a chew toy." "Fuckin stop."
Just than a young woman runs into the museum. "ONE SIDE OF MY FACE IS WET MAN CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH!!" Teabagger uses the distraction. "You forget old friend , its humid today!!" With the perspiration running rampant of his damp beanbag Teabagger easily slips out. He than launches his nards at the young woman and smacks her in the face , leaving her cheek reeking of nursing home , fish and licorish (no really , old people smell like licorish and its not just girls crotches who sometimes smell with fish but you just don't notice it as much cuz you don't spend anytime down there. Its like hey lucky you and I got my face down their for 15 fucking minutes but than its my turn and I get a little yank yank and all for a minute and a half. Selfish. FUCKING SELFISH!! Well anyways his smelled like Haddock)
He than strikes at OSOMFIWM but OSO , I already regret this fucking name , turns his cheek and in horror Teabagger splashes up against the unknown substance on his face. Teabagger immediately commits suicide.
Wetface , lets call him wetface holds the girl. He cries and holds her closer but she is also in fear. "Thats close enough , seriously , what the fuck is on your face?" She can barely speak as her life force ebs away. "I need . . . a . . . towel." He hands her one and she whipes his face. "Why . . .won't it . . . fucking . . . dry?" She dies as Wetface cries to the heavens. "My family serves you well Oh Lord please , why must you take her? No longer will you see me or my mother Wetface girl , my sister Damphair Constantly and my dad Wetback , who doesn't have any powers , he's just Mexican. WHY GOD!!!!!!!!?I'll go Columbine on your ass!"
We pull away to see it is in fact a movie playing in a boardroom. Businessmen sit around the Gentleperv. One of the men rises. "Nick we can't sell this. Tragedies require a specific amount of years to go by before you can mention them in a comedy piece. Lady Diana is available but Columbine isn't until March of next year. Likewise we had to remove the scene where the kid fires off a few shots in the cafeteria and asks the kid do you believe in God and the kid says "I believe in God please stop shooting all my friends." People start to chuckle."Okay , I guess that joke was kinda cute."
Another man rises "Nick , you're films . . . just aren't any good anymore." Nick stands up "Hold on , I've got another show" He hits the play button on "Mel Gibson's Myspace Reality show." The announcer comes on. "Who will be the last one left on Mel Gibsons Top 8! Watch as another fan gets deleted." The music is cut off as Mel sits in his living room , eating a sandwhich while he types at his computer. He looks at his top 8. "CrazyJEW420"s profile gets the cursor over it and is deleted.
The businessmen are not happy. "Noone will watch that." Nick stands his ground , "Mel will work for cheap and we have to get him before he vanishes altogether with the recent anti-semetic comments" "No , we can't sell it." "Okay , Mel Gibson vs. Ann Frank. At the stunning climax he actually eats her." "No , we can't sell that either. Its so unfortunate Gibson turned out to be a bigot , noone saw that coming" "I know *cough* PASSION OF THE CHRIST"
"Nick , the best things come in 3s , Lord of the Rings , Evil Dead , Twinkies." "The yellow creme snacks that taste of heaven , those come in twos." "Don't you ever fucking correct me" He throws a Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band tape at Nick because he just bought the greatest hits cd and would have no more purpose for it but he couldn't bring himself to throw it away so everyday he picks fights in hopes that one day someone would piss him off enough that he would have an exscuse to throw it at someone and get rid of it and today my friends , yes today is that day but unfortunately the tape didn't break , it just hit Nick's shoulder and bounced right back in front of him so now the businessman is all like "Okay , you win okay , I'll just fucking throw the goddamn tape". Anyhoo than man was talking about trilogies. "Nick , its been years now , you need to finish what you started , we want . . ." "Oh no , no way . . . " "Yes , we need Gentleperv 3 and we know you need money pretty bad right now." "I killed em all off in the first , than killed most of them again in the second . . ." "Figure it out , not our problem." Nick leaves in a fury "Everytime I'm out they keep bringing me back ." He turns back to the boardroom. "Oh you'll get your goddamn script , you'll get the pottymouth humor and offensive material and by God you'll get a fucking Hurricane Katrina joke , and you can't stop me."
COMING SOON : GENTLEPERV 3
DISCLAIMER: THE 3RD AND FINAL INSTALLMENT OF THE GENTLEPERV SAGA IS ONE GIANT MAEVE JOKE. I REALIZE IT IS VERY VERY MORALLY WRONG TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR PHYSICAL DEFORMATIES BUT MY SISTER SAYS SHE'S UGLY ON THE INSIDE TOO SO ITS ALL GOOD. IF YOU THINK ITS GOING TOO FAR DON'T READ IT BUT SERIOUSLY I MEAN LOOK AT HER . . . GOD HATES HER TOO.
In a comfy looking home surrounded by friends sits Jimmy and Lynnette Mayotte. Their 5 year old child Natalie rushes up to them with joy. "MOMMY!!!!" She jumps into Lynnette's arms. Kara , Jason , Noon , Bob , Josh , Rand and Kev , Dut and Dalt (its not my cabin so they showed up HAHAHAH *slaps knee*) smile at the adorable sight. Natalie smiles back. Natalie:"Mommy , tell me how I was born ." Lynnette squeezes her cheek. "Of course sweetie"
We're taken to the Maury Povich show where Jimmy is nervously awaiting some information. Maury takes out his envelope. "In the case of Natalie Rose . . .you ARE the father." "God fucking dammit" Jimmy gets up and kicks Lynnette in the stomach than rushes into the audience madly punching at elderly people in wheelchairs. "I had so much to live for"
Back in the present Natalie's jaw hits the floor but Jim and Lynnette laugh. Jim holds her tight and kisses her on the forehead. "Just kidding honey. You will always be our pride and joy." Natalie is still upset and looks to Lynnette "Why would you say that , whats wrong with you?!" Everyone laughs. Lynnette: "Okay seriously hun , here's what happened . . . "
Lynnette is lying in bed shaking from anticipation. Jimmy pulls open a curtain and walks out in a robe. He turns to a stereo and starts playing Backstreet Boys He faces away from Lynnette and drops the robe , revealing his red manthong. "You like that?" He starts flexes his ass muscles. He jumps around and moves to the music. "Am I original?" Lynnette raises her arms and sways to the music "YEAHHHHHHH" "Am I the only one?" "YEAHHHH" He starts pelvic thrusting "Am I sex u ualllllll" Lynnette squeels with delight. "I love that part!!"
Back to reality Natalie is even more horrified. "No more , mommy." "No , thats not it . . . black thong . . . .and it was the Transformers theme" "STOP!" "How was I born , born , not . . .you know" "Ohhhhhhhhh!!!! , well , it all happened 5 years ago . . . "
CHAPTER 1
GENTLEPERV GETS AN OUI
Gentleperv arrives at Jimmy's party and thoroughly tosses down some Steel Reserve. He smiles at everyone , cracks a few jokes than jump back in shock , thinking for certain he caught a glimpse of Maeve peering through a window in the rain , a sadistic smile crossing her lips. "God she looks like a shaved ewok!!" Dalt turn to him. "Huh?" "Did you see Maeve?" "Maeve doesn't look like a shaved Ewok , she looks like this." Dalton whips out his testicles and dips them in a jar of myonnaise than uses a magic marker to make a happy face."Thats what she looks . . . " Jason walks in at that moment and screams. "Get away from him!!" He kicks Dalt in the balls.