Chapter 7
One hundred and twelve pounds. Taylor smiled for the first time in weeks. This was almost where he wanted to be. He knew there wasn’t much more to go. He stared into the mirror and saw every detail on his rib cage as he took a deep breath. Taylor knew he wouldn’t have made it this far it weren’t for the liquor. The liquor and the baggy clothes. All of that carefully his destructive behaviors. His scars though were more visible than they ever were, the new and the old. He tried to ignore them as best he could. The liquor made that easier too.
He wondered whether or not he should go to the bar tonight. He’d crept out of his house every night for the past two weeks to go there. It made it so much easier to deal with everything. It didn’t have to hurt as much to think about Dawn, or his weight, or his emptiness. Everything was funny when he drank and he could always use a laugh. Tonight though he was feeling better. Maybe he didn’t need to drink tonight.
He went into his room and changed for bed. Taylor climbed in between the cool sheets and shut his eyes. As he drifted in and out of sleep visions of Dawn drifted in and out of his head. He fought them as hard as he could, but tears were streaming down his cheeks. He quickly through his clothes on and climbed out the window. Tonight was not the night to go it alone.
“Sweetie, are you up?” Walker whispered.
Diana looked up from her lap, “Yes, I am.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just looking at some old pictures,” she sighed, “You know from when the boys were kids.”
Walker felt his heart sink, “Honey, I thought we weren’t going to worry about this anymore.”
“Just because you say stop doesn’t make it better Walker.”
“Diana…please…” he sighed.
“I’m sorry Walker. I know this is bothers you, but I have this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can’t make it go away.”
“And you think staring at photos of a happy blonde child is going to do the trick?”
Diana began to cry for what seemed to be the hundredth time that night, “Walker, he’s our son, why can’t we talk about this?”
“Because there isn’t anything to talk about! He’s going through a phase and that’s all! He will snap out of it!”
“And what happens if he doesn’t?” she asked bluntly.
Walker stared at her, not knowing what to say. That possibility was one he didn’t want to consider. He wished that she would stop dwelling on it. All teenagers went through things, it was completely normal, but she acted like he had some kind of problem.
“You’re talking about him like he’s crazy. There is nothing wrong with our son.”
“Walker, just because he’s our son doesn’t mean that it can’t happen to him. This isn’t something that only happens to everyone else’s children.”
“But it doesn’t happen twice Diana! It doesn’t happen twice!”
“Walker, what happened to Jordan has nothing to do with Taylor…” she whispered.
“Oh tell me it doesn’t,” he said, crying for the first time, “Every single time I see him, I see Jordan. He looks so much like him and he is so much like him, and I think ‘God…why didn’t I see it’.”
“But no matter how much he is like him, he isn’t him,” she said taking his hand.
“I cursed him Diana. What’s happening, if something is happening is all my fault. I named him Jordan. I named him Jordan and he doesn’t even know why! He doesn’t know why and he’s dying just the same!”
“Honey, it’s not your fault. Jordan and Taylor are not one in the same.”
“If only we’d baptized him Taylor,” he said wiping tears from his eyes, “I just missed Jordan so much. I wanted him to live again so badly, and I sacrificed my son to do it!”
“It’s understandable Walker. Jordan was your baby brother and you loved him, but loving him that entirely didn’t hurt Taylor.”
“Jordan should’ve been there to see his nephew though,” Walker sighed, “Instead he is lying in some cold casket with a bullet lodged in his brain, but he wouldn’t be there if only I’d been paying more attention. If only I pulled my head out of my ass I would’ve seen that he was depressed, and he never would’ve killed himself.”
Diana fought the urge to cry, but her voice shook, “He died honey. I know it hurts, but it was his time and there was nothing you could do to stop it, and it’s not going to happen to Taylor.”
“I could’ve saved him,” he whispered, “But I didn’t. I didn’t, and now I can’t save Taylor either.”
EzGoalie24: What are you doing online? It’s late.
PinkSunshine:I can’t sleep…Thought maybe I could come online and bore myself to sleep =\
EzGoalie24:I’m not disturbing you am I? lol
PinkSunshine:Nope…but what are you doing up?
EzGoalie24:Actually I just got home. We were playing hockey and the game got a little intense.
PinkSunshine:Oh… EzGoalie24:Are you still upset over Taylor? PinkSunshine:Yeah, sorta…
EzGoalie24:Dawn =( I know it’s hard, but you need to get on with your life…Best friends aren’t always forever
PinkSunshine:I could deal with that. I could deal with him hating me for the rest of my life, as long as I knew he would have a life to hate me with.
EzGoalie24:Don’t get carried away Dawn, I told you I saw him the other day, and he looked fine!
PinkSunshine:You don’t know him like I do, Eric…
EzGoalie24:Maybe not, but I know people in trouble when I see them, and he’s not in trouble. Maybe he just got a little jealous of our relationship. That happens sometimes. You were his best friend, and from what I gather, one of his only friends, and he probably was not used to having to share you, but he has to adapt to that on his own, you need to live your life too.
PinkSunshine:But he was…he is my best friend and he has been forever. Relationships never got in the way before. I mean, has the fact that we date done anything to your relationship with Matthew?
EzGoalie24:No…but, forgive me if I am drastically off base here, perhaps Taylor has feelings for you that Matthew doesn’t have for me…
PinkSunshine:You’re forgiven.
EzGoalie24:Dawn, I don’t know what else to say, except that it’s late and you should go to sleep and when you wake up tomorrow morning you should go on with life…
PinkSunshine:Maybe you’re right…I’m gonna go now and try and get some rest.
EzGoalie24:I think that’s best =) Goodnight sweetie.
PinkSunshine:Goodnight Eric.
Dawn switched off the computer and crawled into bed. She wished she were sure she was doing the right thing, but she wasn’t. Eric could be right. It could be time for her friendship with Taylor to come to an end. The possibility that he could be wrong though paralyzed every part of her.
Taylor slammed his fourth empty glass of vodka down on the counter. His mind was hazy, and he’d lost track of how much he’d had to drink a long time ago. It was something like three beers, four shots of vodka, two shots of whiskey, two shots of gin, and one scotch on the rocks. He might have drank more, but he couldn’t remember anything else. He wondered how he was going to get home now. Walking on the roads this drunk scared him. He’d be an easy target for a speeding car and even easier for any psychotic walking around. Even getting hit by a car though was going to be better than the hangover he’d get from tonight.
He walked into the small, grungy bathroom. He splashed some water onto his face, hoping it would sober him up, but it didn’t help. He felt weak and dizzy. He hoped he wasn’t going to pass out here. All he needed was to have some intoxicated good samaritan call his house and tell his mother he was passed out on the bathroom floor in a seedy bar.
“Hey, are you alright kid?” asked a tall, dark hair man in his mid-to-late twenties who just walked into the bathroom.
“Yeah,” Taylor said softly, “I’m fine.”
“You look pretty drunk to me.”
“That’s exactly why I’m fine.”
The man laughed loudly, “How much have you had to drink?”
“I’m not sure…It gets kind of blurry after the gin.”
“Hope you aren’t planning on driving home.”
“Nope I was gonna walk it,” Taylor said leaning up against the sink.
“Good,” the dark haired man smiled, “Because otherwise I’d have to arrest you.”
The little color left in Taylor’s face fled, “You’re a cop?”
“Uh-huh,” he said flashing his badge.
“Oh…”
“Don’t worry I’m not going to bust you,” he said stepping over to Taylor.
For a moment Taylor was relieved. Getting brought home by a policeman for underage drinking wouldn’t make his parents too happy. He’d probably be better off passing out.
“Do you need a ride home?” the dark haired officer asked, interrupting Taylor’s thoughts.
“No, I’ll be fine. Thank you.”
“I really don’t think so,” he said clutching Taylor’s wrist.
“Hey what do you think you’re doing?” Taylor exclaimed trying to pull away from him.
“I think you are going to keep still or I am going to put a bullet in your pretty little head,” he said roughly flashing the revolver under his jacket at Taylor.
Fear brings with it an incredible sense of sobriety. Taylor felt wide awake and was praying that he would pass out. He didn’t want to know what was going to happen next. The officer pulled Taylor out into the parking lot and shoved him into the backseat of a car.
“Now, don’t you think about pulling any fast moves, because I can shoot a hell of a lot faster than you can run.”
Taylor nodded his eyes filled with fear. The pit of his stomach throbbed with all the possibilities of what could happen next and the least frightening one was that they got into a fatal car wreck because he knew death had to be better than what was about to happen.
They drove to a secluded spot that Taylor did not recognize at all. At night all the roads and grass looked the same. The officer stepped out of the driver’s side and opened the passenger side door in the back. He shoved Taylor down and pressed his face against the seat. Taylor could feel the cold metal of the officer’s revolver against the back of his head.
“Don’t make a sound and I promise I will not shoot you, understand?”
Taylor nodded and choked back a sob. He couldn’t believe that this was really happening. Taylor’s jeans were torn from his waist, but the gun never left the back of his head. He heard a click and he wasn’t sure it was the cocking of the handle on the gun, or the officer undoing his belt, but in one violent flash of pain Taylor found out, and he wished that he were being shot instead.