Chapter 8

It was about three in the morning when Taylor climbed back in through his bedroom window. He stood in the middle of his room shaking trying to contemplate what had just happened. The only thing that made him believe it actually happened was the incredible pain surging through his body. He wasn�t sure how many times the dark haired so-called police officer violated him in the backseat of that car. It felt like a thousand. It seemed to go on forever, but in reality it wasn�t more than forty-five minutes. Those were the longest and worst forty-five minutes of his life. Taylor wasn�t sure of what to do now. He couldn�t ever tell anyone what had happened to him; it was his fault for being so drunk and stupid. Luckily the man was a professional; he wore a condom and was gentle enough so there would be no signs of rape, other than Taylor�s complete degradation.

Taylor wished it were late morning already so that he could go take a shower. He could still smell sex and blood all around him. He could still feel the man�s clammy hands pressed against his hips. He began to feel dizzy again and collapsed into a chair, but he was instantly thrust back up. He could still feel his insides tearing in two. Tears formed in his eyes and cascaded quickly down his cheeks as he began to fully realize for the first time that he had been raped.

Maybe it was time to end all this. Maybe he should go and shower and wake up his parents, bring them into the kitchen and make them tea. Tell them everything that hurt him; how he hated himself, how he didn�t eat anymore, how he purged what he did eat, how he sliced his skin to shreds and how terrified and helpless he felt. He could explain why Dawn never called anymore, and he could say for the first time out loud how much he truly loved her and how he missed her with all his heart. He could tell them that he drank, and they would know why he drank, and they could forgive it. Then, he could quietly and carefully explain the bar; how much he drank tonight, how he went into the bathroom to rinse his face, how the man grabbed him and held a gun to his head and told him to stay quiet, how he held back tears as this man forced him down and raped him. Then everything would be okay and this nightmare would finally be over.

�No,� Taylor thought, �that isn�t what would happen.�

First his mother would cry and his father would get that vacant look on his face that he seemed to get every time he looked at Taylor. They�d wake up Isaac and tell him they were bringing Taylor to the hospital and that later they would explain it to him. Then they�d put him in a mental institution for the rest of his life. He could never tell them.

At least it sobered him up; there�d be no hang over when he awoke.

Isaac awoke suddenly. He swore he heard something, a sound like someone slamming a door. He wondered who would be up at this time of night. He listened for it again, but heard instead a quiet, sad sound; like the sound of a lost kitten crying for help. He climbed out of bed and ventured into the hall. The noise was coming from Taylor�s room. Isaac could hear him crying.

�Taylor,� he whispered opening the door slightly, �Are you alright?�

The crying stopped and a weak voice answered back, �Yes, I�m fine.�

Isaac came in and closed the door behind him, �Were you crying?�

�No.�

Taylor never was an excellent liar, but this time Isaac might have believed him, but he could still hear the tears in his voice, �What�s wrong?�

Taylor turned and faced him, �Nothing, I just had a nightmare.�

�Oh,� Isaac sighed sitting next to him, �You look like hell incarnate.�

�Thank you.�

�I�m sorry, that wasn�t supposed to be offensive.�

�It wasn�t really,� Taylor said quietly.

Isaac wondered if Taylor�s silence was his cue to leave, but something wouldn�t let him, �Do you want me to sit with you awhile?�

�If you want to.�

Isaac gave a weak laugh, �Remember when we were kids and you used to wake me up every time you had a nightmare?�

Taylor smiled, �Yeah�bet your glad I grew out of that.�

�Kind of. At least I get to sleep a night all the way through now,� Isaac said, �Only now you don�t come to me with your nightmares anymore, and I wonder if it�s because you don�t have any, or if you�re keeping them to yourself.�

�Something tells me you aren�t talking about dreams anymore.�

�Well Tay, I know it�s none of my business,� he sighed, �But I am a little concerned when you sneak back in your room in the middle of the night, crying and smelling like a gin mill.�

Taylor froze solid, �I have no idea what you�re talking about.�

�Come on I�m not that stupid�and I�m not going to tell mom and dad or anything I just want to make sure that you�re okay.�

Taylor sat up in bed, �I�ll be fine. I�ve just been a little depressed because I had a fight with Dawn a couple of weeks ago��

�Oh yeah�I wondered why she hadn�t been around at all, what did you fight about?�

�Stupid stuff really, I can barely remember��

�I�m sure it will work out,� Isaac consoled.

�Yeah,� Taylor said after a long pause, �Thanks for checking on me Isaac.�

�That�s what big brothers are for,� Isaac said patting him on the back, �Do you need anything? Black coffee or anything like that?�

Taylor laughed quietly, �I�m not that drunk Isaac.�

�Okay, good-night Taylor.�

�Good-night.�

Isaac walked back down the hall into his room, feeling somewhat happy. That was the first time in weeks he felt like Taylor was still his brother. He�d been so detached from the family lately that Isaac almost forgot they were related. Tonight though, Taylor�s gratitude sounded so real, and his laugh was actually his laugh.

�Unfortunately,� thought Isaac as he climbed back into bed, �Those tears were actually his tears too.�

After the tears stopped and the lights went out that night, Walker slept fitfully. He couldn�t make the visions of Jordan leave his mind. He dreamt about him as he was his whole life, happy, and easy-going. He dreamt of how he was the few years, the few months, the few weeks, the few days, the few hours, before his death. He watched his brothers blue eyes grow dimmer and dimmer and fade into the black. Walker would wake then and he�d hold back his tears and go back to sleep until another dream of the past manifested in his mind.

He saw himself standing at the edge of Taylor�s bed, watch him as he slept. Jordan stood beside him looking on in awe at his sleeping nephew trying to memorize him as if he�d never set eyes on his again.

�Are you taking good care of my nephew?� Jordan whispered with a smile; Taylor�s smile.

�I hope so,� Walker said, weakly returning the smile.

�You aren�t sure?�

�He�s eighteen�he doesn�t talk to me anymore.�

�Do you talk to him?�

Walker didn�t answer; he just stared at Taylor�s sleeping face.

Jordan sighed, �I thought so. Do you want to lose him Walker?�

�No, God, how can you say that?!�

�I don�t know, maybe because I�ve been there, and I know how he feels. And I know what he�ll do.�

�Just because we named him after you doesn�t mean he has to make your mistakes.�

�No, it most certainly does not, but you will definitely have to make yours.�

�What is that supposed to mean?�

�It means that whatever happens to him is going to lie on your conscience until the day you die, and if you lose him, you�re never going to stop hurting.�

�But I�ve done everything I can!� Walker spat.

�You haven�t done anything.�

�How was I supposed to know you were going to kill yourself?� Walker cried, �How was I supposed to save you when you didn�t let me know you were hurting so much?!�

�You weren�t. I never expected you to see that pain, or save me from it,� Jordan said putting his arm around him, �But you can see Taylor�s pain, and you can save him from it. He�s too young to die.�

�He is as old as you were.�

�Believe me, that�s too young to die. He has great things ahead of him, you all do, and he needs to be here for them.� �I wish he could�ve known you Jordan.�

�I wish I could�ve known him,� Jordan said with a smile that didn�t reach his eyes, �Have you ever�have you ever told him about me?�

Walker shook his head, �No�I never knew how to tell him.�

�Has he ever asked where his name comes from?�

�More times than you can imagine. It's almost as if he as a sixth sense about it. He doesn't believe us when we tell him it's just a name we liked.�

Jordan smiled, �Do me a favor��

�Anything.�

�Tell him one of these days�Please.�

Jordan leaned over Taylor�s bed and kissed him on the forehead, �Bye buddy.�

Walker watched as Jordan walked out of Taylor�s room and disappeared into the black again. He woke and this time, there was no holding back his tears.