Chapter 23
As he leaned back against the soft seat of his father’s car Taylor could see his house taking shape in the distance. His heart fluttered in his chest with excitement and fear; he could not believe he was home, even as the car came to a halt in the driveway. No one was waiting at the door, but Taylor noticed the pale green curtains on the living room window move as if someone had been there a moment ago and brushed them as they passed on their way to the door. He slammed the door to the car, and took his first steps towards the house, the pounding of his heart becoming faster and louder with every step. Taylor’s warm hand rested against the cool, smooth doorknob, but he could not turn it; he felt paralyzed. Fortunately the hand on the other side of the doorknob did not share his feelings; the door flung open and Taylor stood still, his mother’s blue eyes locked into his.
“Baby…” she whispered, crushing him with a hug, “God, I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too Mom,” he said placing a soft kiss on her cheek.
Diana ushered him into the house and he saw his whole family gathered in the living room. Everyone stared at Taylor for a moment, and no one said anything; their eyes analyzed him and wondered what welcome was appropriate. Zoë finally broke the tension that had filled the room, running up to Taylor and throwing her arms around his leg.
“Taylor!” she shrieked with a huge smile on her lips, “I missed you!”
Taylor leaned down, prying the young girl from his leg and kissing her on the forehead; “I missed you too sweetie,” he whispered as his eyes darted around the room, “I missed all of you.”
At those words the reunion became real. Isaac knew he could see life in Taylor’s face again; he could see hope, and once again he could recognize his face. Isaac could feel the relief course through his veins; his brother was his brother, and not the stranger he feared he would be. Zac managed to make two of his milder insanity jokes before his mother groaned, even though Taylor smiled and messed up Zac’s hair. Every two minutes Mackenzie shyly approached him with another card he had so lovingly scrawled; Taylor managed to smile and act more amazed at with every one. The older girls hung back cautiously until Taylor looked each of them in the eyes, and they ran for his embrace. Walker and Diana stood at his side with their hands on his shoulders as if they feared he would fade if they let him go.
This was a moment worth living for; and for Taylor there had been too few moments like this in the past year. When his nightmare began he could never understand why it had happened to him, but he never imagined coming out from under it. It seemed that his world had become bright again almost as suddenly as it had faded into that dark pit, and that hope was again an important word in his vocabulary.
Taylor’s heart thumped wildly in his chest as he stood on Dawn’s doorstep; he was so nervous he had not even rung the doorbell. It felt like forever since he had been this close to her; could he go through with this? He had learned a lot about life and how fast it could end before it had even begun; this fact alone with thoughts of Lee provoking them lead his finger to the doorbell. Footsteps plunked on the carpet-padded floor in the hall, locks clicked and the heavy oak door creaked open; Dawn stood on the other side in soft gray fleece sweatpants and a faded blue tee-shirt covered by a gray fleece jacket.
Her eyes grew wide and a smile spread across her face; “Taylor!” she cried throwing her arms around his neck, “I had no idea you were coming home today! Why didn’t you call me?”
“I wanted to surprise you,” he smiled, “Are you surprised?”
“Very surprised,” she whispered as she realized her arms still lingered on his neck; she wanted to move, but his skin was soft and smooth like silk against her flesh; it took all the strength she had to pull away.
As Dawn’s hands began to fall to her side Taylor’s hands met them, grasping them tightly within his. She looked up, her eyes locking with his, the beat of her heart racing in time with his, her thoughts paralleling his. Taylor pulled her close to him and as he leaned down to meet her lips he could feel her body quivering in his arms. Their kiss was soft and sweet, innocent and pure, warm and divine; the kiss of two people relieve to finally express a love they had held inside for a lifetime.
When the kiss had broken Dawn could barely breathe, and it was Taylor’s turn to shake; his mind was racing with uncertainty. Would she hate him for what he had done? Had he thrown away their friendship with his eyes wide open? Or did she hope for that kiss as much as he had? Dawn gave him the answer, written in bright, bold letters on her lips, on the tears that spilled from her eyes, and on the fingers that she ran through his hair.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Dawn whispered in Taylor’s ear that night. They were lying on their backs in the thick green grass of Taylor’s backyard as they had so many times before, but this night could not be more different than those nights in the past. On this night Dawn did not lay a distance from him; he allowed her head to find a comfortable place on his chest and her arms a comfortable place around his waist.
“I didn’t want to lose you,” he whispered lightly running his fingers up and down her arm.
“You never would have lost me.”
“Yeah…well why didn’t you tell me?”
“Same reason I guess,” she said as a blush painted her cheeks.
After a long span of silence Taylor sighed; “I’ve missed you so much…”
“I’ve missed you too,” she smiled, “Is this it though? Are you home for good?”
“I hope so. I’m not planning on any relapses.”
“I know you aren’t planning on one, but…we all know how hard life is, and Taylor, please, I beg you, turn to me before you even think of those things again…”
He squeezed her hand; “I promise.”
“Taylor…?”
“What is it sweetie?” he asked meekly trying out an affectionate nickname for the first time.
“Do you remember when you were in the hospital and you said ‘I suppose you want to know why…’?”
“Yes…”
“Were you really ready to tell me?”
“Not at all…but I would have if you had said ‘yes’,” he said, his voice becoming thick, “I can tell you now though…I should tell you now; You just have to promise never to breathe a word of it to anyone, at least not yet, because I am not ready for my family to know, hell my family isn’t even ready to know…”
Dawn felt chills run down her spine, “I promise…”
“Well…although I was in pain long before I tried to kill myself, I had never actually imagined that pain leading to suicide,” he began, “But then I started sneaking out to a seedy bar in town almost every night of the week. I realize now that I was probably being watched for quite some time, but I was too drunk or too stupid to notice or care. One night I had almost decided not to go, but I found it hard to sleep without the pain-killing alcohol so I slipped out of the house and into the bar. I drank way too much that night, more than I had ever drank before and…”
Taylor was choking up so Dawn stopped him; “You don’t have to do this honey…I understand.”
“No, I need to say this,” he insisted, wiping away two tears as he continued, “Like I said, I was very drunk, and I was scared to walk home because I wasn’t sure if I would make it. I felt sick and I went into the bathroom...a man followed me in there, and he said he was a cop, and I was petrified; I was sure I was about to be arrested and all my secrets would be unveiled, but I was wrong. Instead he pulled out his gun and held it to my head and threatened to kill me if I didn’t follow him; of course I didn’t scream as he forced me out to his car and drove me to God knows where because I was actually afraid to die at that point. I kept quiet, and I stayed quiet even as he held the gun to my head, pressed my face into the seat and…and raped me.”
Dawn’s tears made a large, wet stain on Taylor’s shirt as her body wretched with sobs. She had not meant to cry, but she did not possess the power it took to withhold these tears; she held him tightly against her, not knowing the right words to say. Dawn could feel is hand stroking her hair and his voice whispering soft and raspy comforts, “Shhh! It’s alright Dawnee; please don’t cry…”.
“Taylor…I love you,” she said, her voice cracking through her tears, “I always have and I always will.”
Dawn did not know it, but she had found exactly the right words for Taylor; “I know Dawn, and I love you too.”