Chapter 24
As the sunlight streamed through Taylor’s window his eyes fluttered open; the sudden rush of light scarred the images around him into his iris’, and for a moment he did not know where he was. Everything was foreign. Slowly, a smile crept across his lips as he remembered he was no longer trapped in a soulless white room; he was home, and there was no place he would rather be. Lazily, he wandered around his room allowing his feet to embrace the plush carpet beneath them and his eyes to survey the possessions and pictures they had not seen in so long. His cornflower eyes smiled at the photograph of Dawn. They had spent a great deal of the night laying in the grass, confessing, cuddling, and crying; it was hard for either one of them to say goodnight. Taylor feared if he closed his eyes that the night would no longer be real; Dawn feared that when he opened his eyes he might be too scared to allow them to remain that way.
He wasn’t afraid though, a little nervous perhaps, but not afraid. What could he say to her? What happened now? Taylor was never so glad to be going to therapy; today he really needed advice. His appointment wasn’t for another three hours, but Taylor decided to get a head start. He yanked a clean shirt and pants onto his lithe form and started down the stairs; he was welcomed at the bottom by a familiar sight. His father sat at the dining room table, drinking a cup of black coffee and thumbing through the morning newspaper; his mother coddled her children, reminding them to finish their juice and take out the garbage. Taylor was glad that no one turned to look at him as he walked into the kitchen and began a new ritual, grabbing water, a box of crackers, and a few bottles of assorted pills.
“Taylor…What is that?” Mackenzie asked pointing to the small tan bottle in Taylor’s hand.
Taylor glanced nervously at his mother, who only nodded, indicating it was okay to tell the truth, “It’s only medicine…it’s called Prozac.”
“Ooh…are you sick?”
“Sort of…”
“’Cause you should only take medicine if you are sick.”
“Well,” Taylor sighed, “This medicine helps people who got sick because they were sad.”
“Are you still sad Taylor?” he asked, his voice gaining a note of fear.
“No…not really. This will just help me not to be sad again.”
“Ooh, that’s good because when you were sad they made you go away, and I don’t want you to go away anymore.”
“I won’t kiddo, I promise. I want to stay right here with all of you, so that’s why I have to take all this medicine and go to the doctor sometimes.”
Mackenzie seemed satisfied with this and returned to his cereal. Taylor noticed his mother watching him with a careful corner of her eye as he swallowed his medication, almost as if she had to be sure he took it all. Obviously Mackenzie wasn’t the only one worried about Taylor having to leave again.
“Are you going to eat something before you go Taylor?”
“What, the crackers I ate with my medicine aren’t enough?” he asked with a coy smile and the whole room sighed with relief.
“How does it feel to be home?”
“Good…great I guess. It’s just a little strange.”
“It probably will be, at least for a couple of weeks; that’s why we are keeping both eyes on you.”
“Yeah…”
“Have you spoken with anyone at home yet, you know about the clinic or what happened before that…?”
“Do you mean have I told anyone I was raped?” Taylor asked, his eyes flashing with searing pain at the word.
“Yes, partially, that is what I mean,” Dr. Kennedy replied with extreme caution.
“I told Dawn; I was ready to tell her and it was not something I could withhold from her if I ever wanted to be with her completely,” he said with a sigh, “But I am not ready to tell my parents, not about that, or about anything that went on. I know that you feel that confessing to them is some kind of right of passage for me, but at this point it is not in my best interest. They are barely used to having me in the house --- I want to be part of my life again doctor. All I want of being raped is to leave it behind.”
“I understand that Taylor, and I am not pushing you. Do not misunderstand me, I will not force you into taking that step, as long as you understand that it must be taken someday. You can not run from it forever.”
“I can’t run from it at all, believe me, I am dealing with it; everyday.”
“I know you are --- I just want to make sure that you don’t do it alone.”
“I won’t…I have you, and Dawn, and Lee. I am not alone, so this isn’t something I feel my parents or my siblings need to know; they’ve dealt with enough.”
Dr. Kennedy gave a half smile, “That is very noble of you to think of them at a time like this…are they dealing well?”
“As well as you would expect…They are a little more curious than they will allow themselves to be; they’re just waiting for me to say something.”
“Do they know about you and Dawn?”
Taylor sighed, “I barely know about me and Dawn…It’s just so new; I would love to keep it a secret for awhile, but I know that isn’t happening. I am going to tell them though, just as soon as I’m sure she is not going to come down with ‘buyers remorse’.”
“Do you think that she really feels that way?”
“I don’t know what she feels right now. I just know that I ran to her with all my confidence and…I just hope that what she said, and did, and felt, were the products of her heart and not my brazen actions…the last thing I wanted was a pity ‘I love you’.”
“I think you already know she hasn’t given you one…it’s you that you’re worried about. You trusted yourself enough to tell her you love her, and to share your darkest secrets, but a few hours without her at your side to assure you that she really loves you has hit you hard, and honestly, it’s normal. It’s hard enough to be in love when we are certain of ourselves; you are in love at a time when the world is only once again becoming certain. Give your heart a chance to learn how to speak to her, and your lips a chance to learn how to kiss her, and you will be okay.”
Taylor’s blue eyes cast over with a frantic, understanding glaze; “You said that…perfectly. I’m so worried we won’t click; that I won’t ever know how to treat her or how to hold her, and that in the end I’ll just lose her…”
“Don’t worry so much…love has a funny way of working out all on its own.”
The old oak planks of Dawn’s front porch creaked softly as Taylor paced across them for the hundredth time that hour; he could not yet bring himself to ring the doorbell for he was not sure what waited on the other side. While Dr. Kennedy had been a comfort, the feelings racing through Taylor as he stood at the threshold to a new page of his life were intense; they made his hands tremble. He reached for his keys, knowing that his former instrument of relief sat boldly taunting him, trying to break him; it had been so long since he allowed that cool, silver blade to be dragged across his skin. ‘Was it too long?’ Taylor wondered as he sat down on the porch swing and slowly pulled open the small blade.
He had no idea that Dawn was watching him through the curtains. She had heard the floorboards creaking and through the window, she spied his distraught body pacing. Dawn wanted to open the door for him; she wanted to greet him with the love and affection that he not only wanted, but also needed, and deserved. Was this a time to help him, to open the door and unconditionally love him, to show him that there was nothing to fear on the other side of the door? Or was it more important that he make this leap on his own? For certain her heart leapt as she watched him click open that familiar blue and silver pen knife; she watched the reflection of the battle raging in his soul, in his eyes, knowing that if he brought that blade anywhere near his skin she would leap through the door, but praying he could fight the temptation on his own.
A few more agonizing moments passed painfully by with the reflection of the silver blade in Taylor’s blue eyes, and Dawn all the while hoping, praying, pleading for his heart to hear her cries. He snapped the knife shut, and shoved it in his pocket; his head fell into his hands, and though he had won the battle, his face looked as if he had been defeated. Dawn slipped through the door, unnoticed by Taylor even as she stood beside him. The porch swing rocked and the old chains groaned as she sat beside him. For a moment the only words used were those whispered in the air as it climbed the trees and ran through the grass in the front yard. Taylor wondered how long she had been watching him; Dawn wondered if she could ever be all that he needed.
“I’m proud of you,” she whispered, her voice soft and cool like the wind.
“There isn’t anything to be proud of,” he said realizing she had seen everything, “I’m a coward.”
“You faced it Taylor; you stared it down and you won.”
“I never should have had to stare it down…”
“You can’t win if you don’t play the game,” she said, her hands finding his, “It’s okay to be scared, and to slip, and even to fall sometimes, as long as you plan on taking someone’s hand and pulling yourself back up, and that is what you’re doing, and that is definitely something to be proud of.”
His eyes lost their steel composure; “I’m sorry Dawn…”
“Please, don’t be sorry; you were only being human, and I would not have you any other way.”
“I do love you Dawn…I guess I was just afraid that I rushed you.”
“No Taylor, believe me, I could not say the words fast enough…When you came to my door yesterday, if you hadn’t kissed me I was going to kiss you.”
Taylor smiled, his eyes growing bright; he took her by the hand and led her to front door; “Now you have you’re chance.”
The echo of her laughter faded into the trees as she pulled him into her gentle embrace, wrapping her arms around his waist and sighing sweetly as her lips finally met his.