Chapter 22
Taylor folded one shirt after another mindlessly into his suitcase; tomorrow he would take these clean clothes in his stiff suitcase in his clean, stiff, determined hand and bring them all back to the world he tried to leave behind. He could not believe that fourteen days could go by so fast. Taylor had yearned to be home in his own warm bed since he woke up almost totally exposed in the frigid hospital, but now as the days spun quickly away from him he could no longer imagine returning home.
No one tried to pretend he was cured; if they had he would fold before the first day ended. They believed him stable enough to return to the world, but not on his own. He knew that tomorrow morning he would add an anti-depressant to his list of medications, and that the very next morning he had a session with Dr. Kennedy, and the morning after that, Dr. Turner. Returning home was a test, like probation for a prisoner; break the rules and all bets are off. There could be no cutting, no drinking, and no self-induced vomiting, no matter what happened. Even though none of that had happened in weeks, it seemed to be more of a feat in the real world; except of course for the drinking. After that night he never even wanted to see alcohol again. That night, the scourge of his life, the curse that never left him, the reason he tried to die and came here. He wondered if �that night� had never occurred would he have ever tried to die, and if he had never tried to die would anyone have ever noticed he was dying all along. Maybe if not for �that night� his misery would still be his secret and he would have been dead within the year anyway. As horrible as it was �that night� may have saved his life. Taylor wondered if bringing up the positive point of that nightmare was a good way to break the news to his family. Originally he had not thought that would be necessary, but Dr. Kennedy was pressing him to file a report and if he did so his family would need to know what had happened; plus he had explained to Taylor the need for understanding in recovery; it would be very hard for his family to support him without understanding him
He had no time to contemplate this further because a gentle rapping came at his door; �Taylor, it�s me,� Lee said softly, �May I come in?�
Taylor opened the door for her, �Of course.�
Lee smiled and didn�t say anything. Taylor gestured for her to sit down and she took a place on the bed beside his suitcase. Lee looked better in these few days than Taylor had ever seen her look; her cheeks had color, her eyes no longer looked tired and glazed over, and she reminded Taylor less of the rag-doll who was so exhausted from medication and lack of food that she could not stand. It was hard to believe that this vibrant display of life was only temporary. Soon she would again be that worn, tired soul, but this time not because medication was fighting her disease, but because her disease was fighting her. Taylor knew once that looked returned she would never look this healthy again. He tried to freeze her image in his mind; he wanted to remember her this way, always.
At this moment Lee to was trying to memorize Taylor�s lovely features, purely because she feared she might never look upon them again. That was the reason she came here tonight: she wanted to say a real good-bye to him. She could not bear to have him exit her life without really getting the chance to say her farewell.
�Taylor,� she said looking straight into his crystal clear blue eyes, �I�I�I am really going to miss you, and I needed to��
�No, Lee, don�t do this,� Taylor interrupted, putting a hand on her shoulder, �Don�t speak to me tonight as if you will never speak to me again.�
�I need to Taylor. I have my chance tonight, and it may never come again; I do not need you to say anything back, I just need you to listen to me, and let me say what I came here to say.�
Taylor nodded, knowing he could not refuse so simple and so pure a request. Lee continued; �I came here tonight because I needed to say good-bye. I have had people leave me many times with barely a word about it and I knew that I couldn�t do the same. Not with you, not with anyone, but especially not with anyone like you. I can not imagine what these past few months would have been like if you had not been here. I never thought that life meant much of anything because mine hadn�t. I always thought the people who died were the luckiest people because to me life was nothing, but pain and torture because I spent it being abused or abusing myself. Than you came along and there was so much sadness in your beautiful face and that was something I had never seen. In my experience beautiful faces were never sad, and probably because behind those pretty smiles and doe eyes there wasn�t ever a heart like yours. You were my window into the soul of the very best of people. I wasn�t lucky enough to know when my life first began to fall apart, but I consider myself very lucky that you are here now, no matter how brief our time together may be, because the very last thought I have will be of the warmth and strength that your friendship has brought me; the first warmth and strength ever given unconditionally to me. That�s why you have to live Taylor; people like you are the only reason worth living. Don�t let yourself drown in sorrow ever again because you have a family and friends and one very special young woman to be your life preserver. Bad things often happen to the best people, that is part of what makes them the best. It is not up to you to be perfect. Always remember that you are a beautiful person, in every way that it is possible for a person to be beautiful, and never, ever be afraid to live, to fly, or to call for help.�
Lee did not know at what time during her speech to Taylor she had begun to cry, but she was now aware that the tears on her own cheeks were almost minimal in comparison to the tears that slipped from Taylor�s dewy blue eyes. She hadn�t meant to make him cry; in his last night she wanted him to smile and be happy, not sit here and bawl with her.
�Lee�I don�t know what to say except that I came here this shell of a person completely frightened, alone, and incomplete. I had a whole life to reassemble and I didn�t think I could ever come this close. When I came through these doors I was as good as dead because I believed that was the way I was best off and if the world wouldn�t let me die, I would live a life that mimicked death as best it could, but you came into my life before I destroyed it and no matter what happens you will always be a part of me because of that. The doctors may have kept me alive, but it was you who truly saved my life.�
Lee threw her arms around him wrenching in her sobs. Taylor held her tightly feeling his own tears building a lump in his throat, but laughter slipped past his lips. Lee stared up at him, her cheeks tearstained, her eyes bloodshot, and a smile forming on her mouth.
�We sound like an after-school special don�t we?� Lee said wiping away the tears that remained on her cheeks.
�Just a little,� Taylor said with a sniffle, �But regardless of the melodrama that may seem to lurk behind our words, I do not doubt that every single one of them is true.�
�What do we do now?�
�We hold on, and wait, and never let go. We treasure whatever it is that is left for us, and we know that while Fate changes our current course, it guarantees that we will meet again in a happier life.�
Isaac lay awake on his bed listening to the sounds of his mother�s vacuum roaring in the room on the other side of the wall. She had been cleaning Taylor�s room for the past fourteen days; she didn�t want him to be reminded of anything that had happened within those walls. No one understood why, but cleaning made her feel at ease, and as the day Taylor would return home crept closer everyone was on edge and looking for solace anywhere they could. While Diana cleaned, Walker engrossed himself in family history emerging from the den every night at dinner with a new story about a long dead uncle that Isaac did not remember. Mackenzie spent days on end scribbling random pictures that he claimed were welcome home cards. Zac made up dozens of jokes about insanity, all of which Diana begged him not to say in front of Taylor; she did not understand that this was Zac�s way of showing love, and that Taylor would know that, at least the old Taylor would have.
This new Taylor was nothing, but a glorious mystery that everyone had yet to unravel. They had spent a year with a sulky, solemn, solitary boy who became increasingly so as they days wore on; he was not the boy they knew either, but at the same time he was far from a stranger. That was all Isaac could envision the Taylor coming home to them to be, a stranger, no more familiar than any he may pass on the street. He did not know what to expect of the brother he would welcome home. Would he be the person he was before his sullen year or would he be a zombie who had gone from feeling bad to feeling nothing at all? Would they be able to love him and be close to him without worrying that their words could trigger painful feelings or memories? Would the bond that they had shared as brothers still be in tact allowing them to see every thought that passed through their hearts, on their faces?
Isaac shook himself, as if doing so would rid him of this unnatural state of fear. This was so time to be weak; Taylor did not need his fear for this was a happy time. A time for Taylor to return to the people who loved him most, and give them a chance to understand him. He knew they would never be the same, but perhaps this change was not a bad one. They could be the happy family Isaac always felt they were, and perhaps this time around there would be less use of the word perfect. This change would not be a bad one purely because it would bring Taylor back to life, and life with this new Taylor would certainly be better than life without him.
Night slipped away quickly and brought the dawn of Taylor�s first day back to life. Truth be spoken, Taylor had been awake for hours and watched the sun rise. He sat silently, observing the world as it woke up; today, like the day he first arrived, was sunny and beautiful. He waited until the sky had taken its proper place in the powder blue sky to dress, slithering into a blue tee shirt decorated with faded yellow calligraphy and a pair of faded black jeans. He stared into the mirror and actually smiled and felt he meant it.
A soft knock was made on the door and the same nurse who brought Taylor into this room stood in the doorway; �You�re father is here��
Taylor took a deep breath, �Okay�Can you tell him I�ll be there in a minute?�
She nodded and left Taylor alone. He quickly glanced around the room, knowing that he would remember it until the day he died, and left hoping he would never see it again. He raced, bag in hand, to the end of the corridor and knocked on Lee�s door. A few minutes past before she opened the slowly opened the door, knowing what would be on the other side. Her face was pale and tearstained; she had been crying until the moment Taylor rapped on her door. He embraced her, holding her tight knowing there would not be many other chances. He opened his mouth to speak and she held a finger to his lips.
�We do not need words today�I know, and you know, and we don�t need to say anything at all,� she whispered, again pulling him into a crushing hug.
As much as he wanted to, Taylor knew they could not retain their embrace any longer; Lee knew it too, because at the same moment they both pulled back. He smiled at her and raised his fingers in the silent good-bye she wished for before turning down the hall.
Lee watched him walk a few paces, not quite believing he was really leaving, hopefully forever; �Taylor,� she called, breaking her own resolve for silence; he turned and watched her race toward him, hugging him fast once more, she pulled her lips up and kissed his cheek, �Good-bye.�
He smiled at her again and kissed her forehead with the love of the family she never had, �Good-bye.�