Chapter 19
Since Taylor made his confession to Dr. Turner he was not asked to disrobe. That made visits to Dr. Turner a lot more pleasant, and a lot like therapy for Taylor. He could sit and talk for hours, and he felt lifted of a huge burden, but Dr. Turner knew he wasn’t helping Taylor. All he could do was listen; he was not really qualified to deal with the mental repercussions of Taylor’s problems.
“Have you even considered talking to Dr. Kennedy about this?”
“Yes…”
“Don’t you want to go home?”
Taylor thought about home, about his whole world outside these walls. He missed his family. He missed his friends. He missed Dawn. He missed the music he had abandoned during his darkest hours. He received thousands of letters every week from fans who wanted nothing more than to support him; to share with him a sad story, and offer him a shoulder if he ever needed one, even though they were complete strangers. In short, Taylor missed his life, his old life, but what about the new life he had acquired? He knew that once he left here that his relationship with Lee would probably end, and he didn’t want that to happen. He valued her friendship, and she had changed his life forever. Taylor wished he could change hers. He also didn’t know how to live with who he had become. In this cage he felt safe, but what would happen if he were granted his freedom? He was only learning how to stand now; how was he ever supposed to fly? Could he balance the Taylor he was before he fell into darkness and the Taylor from that darkness? Home was such a small word, but it was powerful, and awesome in his heart, and after all this he wondered, did he still have such a powerful and awesome place to return to?
“Yes, I do want to go home.”
“You’re half way there Taylor. Physically, you are getting better every day and soon your body is going to be ready to go home, but if your soul isn’t ready it won’t matter how healthy you are; you’ll never be ready to go home. Being honest with Dr. Kennedy is getting the keys to the door. It is the only way out of here.”
“Dr. Turner says that I am half way home,” Taylor whispered to Lee that night at dinner.
“Really?” she smiled, “That’s wonderful.”
Taylor frowned, “I’m not sure I’m ready to leave.”
“Why not?”
“Because…once I start living that life again, this life has to end.”
“This isn’t a life Taylor. What you have outside, your family, your friends, your fans, that’s a life. There isn’t anything here worth holding on to.”
“What about you?”
A crimson blush painted Lee’s cheek, “I’m not worth your whole life.”
“You are at least as valuable as what you save.”
“Let’s not talk about tomorrow Taylor; we’re together now.”
“Now is only one moment in a million, and it dies as the word leaves your lips.”
Sorrow crept into her eyes, “Sometimes now is all you have, and even if it’s one moment, you have to hang on to it with every part of yourself.”
Taylor put his hand on top of hers; “I promise I’ll always be here to give you something to hang on to than. We will always have a now.”
“Just promise me that you won’t forget too much about what we already have…”
“I promise.”
They were silent for a moment, watching each other, silently trying to memorize now. Taylor saw a whole future of now, but Lee knew better. She had made a lot of friends and had so many of them come and go in life. The friends she knew before Donald molested her left her because they were frightened, confused, or disgusted. Her drug addict friends were not really friends, but even if they were, those who were still alive and around, from what she knew were in bad shape. Rehab friends were sometimes her best, and always seemed to leave her the fastest; some recovered, like Taylor was recovering, and they went on to live a life that preferred not to remember the state of living death in which they met Lee, some became more ill, broke down physically and mentally, and some died leaving nothing behind but a note and a gaping hole in her heart.
“Are you about ready to tell Dr. Kennedy what happened?” Lee asked cautiously.
“I think so…it’s only a matter of finding the words. I’m not terrified of the memories anymore, I can handle my own fear.”
Lee smiled and tried to mask the sorrow in her eyes, “Spoken like a man getting his life back.”
Taylor stalled trying to think of a response, but as his brain raced for the right words a young nurse came over to the table; “Lee, Dr. Klein needs to see you. It’s urgent.”
Lee smiled at Taylor again the way she had the first time she and Taylor met and uttered those same words, “See you around.”
The moment was over and she was gone, and for whatever reason Taylor remained motionless trying to freeze this encounter in his memory.
“I’m sorry Lee, the medication just isn’t working like we had hoped it would,” Dr. Klein said, his face washed with grief.
“Is there anything I can do? Up the dosage? Start new treatment?”
“We’re weary of increasing the dosage Lee; you are not handling the side effects as well as you used to.”
Lee tried to hold back her tears, “I know…I know, but there has to be something I can do. We can’t be out of options.”
Dr. Klein placed his hand on hers, “Your numbers are slipping Lee, your weight is down, your blood is down, your T-cells are down. The medication is not helping you anymore.”
“It hasn’t even been two years…”
“You know that time makes no difference, life is short.”
“It shouldn’t be this short,” she said allowing the first tear to slide down her cheek.
“We are going to do everything we can to help you Lee. We’ll keep you with us as long as possible, and we’ll see that you are taken care of.”
“So we just stop everything?”
“No, just the new medication, everything else will stay the same.”
“How long,” she said choking on her tears, “How long before I have to leave?”
“Unfortunately we can’t give you an answer. It could be months, maybe even a year, but it could also be next week. We just don’t know.”
“Does my mother know?”
“No.”
“Good,” Lee said swallowing her tears, “Let that be her little surprise.”
Taylor walked down the cream corridor toward Lee’s room. Dr. Kennedy was marvelous, and was ready to really help Taylor stand again; he booked extra sessions, called for reading material for Taylor, and gave him a special journal to write everything he could about what happened and how he felt, both then and now. The feeling rushing through his veins now was an unfamiliar one: joy, and he wanted nothing more than to share it.
Taylor knocked on the door, but Lee didn’t answer. He turned the knob; it was unlocked, and he went inside. Lee sat on the edge of her bed with the silver blade of a razor to her wrist. There were fresh slashes all up her arms; blood was everywhere, dripping on to the floor, staining the sheets, running from the tips of her fingers. She was not crying, but her face was tear-stained and crimson smudges lay where she wiped her tears away.
Taylor was frozen in the doorway. Horror, Terror, and Anger over powered his body; what was she doing? How could so much pain have taken her so quickly? Taylor lunged at her, but she screamed and he froze again.
“Don’t touch me Taylor! Don’t touch me!”
Taylor put his hands up and in a soft voice pleaded, “Lee, drop the razor.”
The razor fell to the floor and she covered her face with her hands, leaving two bloody handprints behind. She collapsed on the bed, sobbing hysterically. Taylor took two cautious steps toward her.
“Let me help you.”
“No Taylor…”
“We have to stop the bleeding,” he said reaching for a cloth to hold against her wrist.
“No Taylor, you can’t,” she cried.
He ignored her warning and she flew back against the wall, “TAYLOR STOP!!!”
“Lee what is wrong with you?!?” he said in a pitch to match her own.
Lee stood still, the blood running from her fingers, the tears running from her eyes, and the fear running from her voice, “I have AIDS Taylor…”