Chapter 20
The red letters on the heavy steel doors spelled out ‘Infirmary’. Taylor had been staring at them so long he began to wonder if the image of those thick red letters were permanently scarred into his corneas. If it were up to Taylor he wouldn’t be sitting in this rigid black chair in this frigid white hall, he would be inside with Lee, trying to help her every way he could. The doctors muttered to him about safety procedures though, and he was forced to sit powerless in the hall.
The reality of what Lee had said, had not quite hit Taylor yet. He heard the word AIDS over and over in his mind, but no matter how many times he heard it he could not make himself understand. He assumed realization would come to him when he was alone; he would ask himself all the questions he could not think of now, and he would cry. He knew he would cry as soon as he could feel anything. Taylor thought of the razor blades tucked safely underneath his bed; maybe he would use them.
‘Crying is not enough to feel this…’, The word ‘feel’ caught in Taylor’s mind. All at once he realized he understood all along; he was feeling it. He knew Lee was sick, and probably had been since they met, and judging by the slices on her arm and the razorblade in her hand, she was probably not getting better. He knew now why she had no hope for a recovery; she knew she was dying every day, it was just a question of what day would bring the real end. Taylor knew now that he could not save her, and that she could not save herself. Tears formed in his eyes, and begged to spill over, but he refused. He would not cry in front of her; she needed all the strength he had.
Dr. Klein pushed open the doors that had mesmerized Taylor for so long; “Lee would really like to see you now…”
Taylor walked into the room, almost too frightened to take the steps. Lee stared at him from the makeshift bed in the corner of the room. She had random patches of blue stitches winding on her arms and wrists like snakes and in her left hand the needle for an IV bulged through the skin. Her cheeks were tearstained, but she was not crying anymore. She looked sad and tired, and for the first time since Taylor laid eyes on her, weak.
“Come on, sit down,” she called to him. Taylor grabbed a chair from the right side of the room and dragged it over to the gurney that supported her body, but he did not say a word.
“Taylor, I am so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” he said, his voice soft and comforting.
“I am sorry that you found out the way you did; I was trying to think of a way to tell you while I was alone, but one thing lead to another…I never expected you to walk in, if I had…I couldn’t let you touch me though; it was too dangerous and you weren’t listening. I didn’t think about how that would make you feel; I just had to make you stop.”
“It’s alright Lee…I understand; I just wish you had told me sooner.”
“I didn’t want to lose you; You were the first real friend I had in a long time.”
Taylor smiled, putting his hand on top of hers, “I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”
Lee returned a wry smile, “I am though…”
“Lee, don’t…”
“We can’t pretend it isn’t true, not if I want to stay sane through whatever time I have left.”
“How much time is that?” Taylor asked, his voice becoming thick and heavy.
“No one is sure; it could be as long as a year, or only a couple of weeks. It depends on how fast the disease progresses once I stop the medication.”
Taylor’s face went pale, “Why are you stopping the medication?”
“Because, its job was to keep my T-cells up, and they are lower than they have ever been, and the side effects were awful.”
“So you are just going to let yourself die?”
“Don’t say it that way Taylor,” she said, her own voice thickening with unshed tears, “Don’t say it like I am giving up because I am not; I lost Taylor, I lost and I am going to die no matter what and I’d rather die a quick and peaceful death than a long and painful one.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way…I don’t know how you are so brave, that’s all.”
“I’m not brave, I’m stupid.”
“Everyone should be so stupid,” he said with a smile.
Lee allowed a tear to fall to her cheek, “Thank you Taylor…”
He squeezed her hand as Dr. Klein entered the room again, “I’ve got to go now, but I’ll come and see you first thing tomorrow, okay?”
Her smile was brave, no matter what she thought; “Goodnight Taylor.”
“Goodnight.”
“Why didn’t she tell me she was going to die?” Taylor asked Dr. Kennedy. He had made an appointment to see him a day earlier than normal; he didn’t want to be alone with thoughts of Lee. He did not feel he was far beyond hurting himself when life hurt him.
“I’m sure there are a lot of reasons, but the main one is that she valued your friendship, and if she had told you that she was dying that friendship never would have been the same.”
“I could’ve helped her though…”
“Taylor, your friendship alone helps her. She has no one in this world, and the fact that you are here, and that you care about her is probably what kept her from killing herself last night.”
“Now she’ll live to suffer all the way through her disease.”
Dr. Kennedy put his arm around Taylor’s shoulder, “I won’t lie to you and pretend that she’ll have an easy death, because she probably won’t. A year ago I might have said ‘Well, at least she isn’t suffering anymore…’ because she has had a difficult life, and had the prognosis been a year ago what it is now, she would have tried to kill herself, and she might even have been successful; but you’ve given her a reason to want to take every breath that she can, to hold on to life. You have done for her in a few months what we could not do for her in years Taylor.”
Taylor gave Dr. Kennedy a half smile; touching lives was nothing new to him, but there was something in these words that touched him back. Maybe life was cruel and difficult at times, but perhaps pain and sorrow appear only to make us who we are, and help us to end or fix the pain and sorrow of others. If everything he had gone through had been to show a person like Lee that the world could be kind, than it was worth it, but from this, the worst part of his life, he had gained so much more than that. He knew in his heart he would never be the same person again; he knew that he would never forget what it felt like to hate the sight of his own face; he would never forget that pain could be so bad that your whole body sometimes needed to cry; he would never forget the legacy he almost lived out. He could never forget the girl with the deep green eyes who tried as hard as she could to die, but pushed him as hard as she could to live, or how it was almost as hard to say the word ‘raped’ as it was to realize that you really were, but most importantly he could never again forget how to stand. To stand and know that it was okay to fall because there were arms waiting to catch you. To stand and know that if this year did not break him, nothing ever would. To stand and finally know who he was; this was true power.
“Am I still going to be able to see her?” Taylor asked suddenly, “I promised her…”
“Of course. This doesn’t have to change your friendship, just perhaps shorten it some.” Taylor’s eyes welled at the word ‘shorten’.
“And you already know how hard it will be,” Dr. Kennedy said, with a question in his voice.
“I know…”
“Can you handle it?”
Taylor did not even stop to think, “I can.”
“I think you can too because everyone is going to be here for you Taylor; Your family, and your friends are going to see you through this, and I will be at your beckon call, even if we don’t a session planned, my office is going to page me the moment you need me.”
Taylor nodded heavily, the tears dying before they ever had the chance to leave his eyes.
“Do you know what I am saying Taylor?”
“I know…I’m just not sure I’m ready to know.”
“If you weren’t ready I wouldn’t be saying this now,” he smiled, “We are going to begin arranging for your release. You will see Dr. Turner every week at first, but there will be less frequent visits as you adjust, and you and I will begin out patient therapy.”
“How much longer will I be here?”
“A week, maybe two.”
Two weeks was only 14 days was only 330 hours until the whole world changed again. An eternity about to flicker out, as if someone snuffed out a candle. Would it be that dark though, or would it be like blowing out candles on your birthday cake, a moment of darkness before the lights are flicked back on, and all that is left of the candles is the blue-gray smoke that curls in the air?