~*Chapter 1*~

Chapter 1

“Damn it, Isaac where are my black pants!” Taylor shouted.

“Taylor, I have no idea, I am not your closet!” Isaac shouted back from the hall.

“I can’t go without those, they are just about the only pair of pants I have that look half-way decent,” Taylor moaned as he threw open another drawer.

Lately, nothing looked right, felt right, or fit the way it used to. Taylor hadn’t noticed that until he put on a new pair of baggy khaki pants he bought last week. They’d fit like they should’ve in the store, but when he tried to wear them, only a few days later, they weren’t baggy, and seemed tight at the waist. How could his body have changed so much in a few days? He was always a little self-conscious about his body, but lately it just seemed to get worse and worse. He’d tried not eating the past few days, but in his house, even with all the kids, his parents somehow managed to notice when everyone ate. Or didn’t eat. And if you didn’t eat, they made sure you did. So Taylor ate, and didn’t have any arguments over it. He didn’t want to make them suspicious. He choked down food like poison and spent a few hours after eating, crying, wanting to die, and expecting to.

Tonight, though, he’d found a way to eat, and avoid the feelings of impending death. Those feelings were replaced by feelings of power, control, and satisfaction. Those were the exact feelings rushing with the blood through Taylor’s veins as he held his head over the toilet. He felt all the evil rush out of his body and it made him smile.

All his life, Taylor had hated throwing up. He used to get terrible stomach viruses when he was a kid, and he’d spend days throwing up. Even though he’d grown out of it with puberty, the thought of vomiting, was worse then any other thing that could happen to him. It turns out he was wrong. What was happening to him now was so much worse then throwing up. In fact what was happening to him now, made throwing up look good. That’s what made it so easy to put his fingers down his throat tonight, knowing that if he didn’t, he just end up looking worse.

Now he wouldn’t look any worse, but he wouldn’t look any better either, and if he didn’t find those black pants, he didn’t have a prayer. As he rummaged through the bottom of his closet, he had a flashback of what had happened to his black pants. Last week when he went out to buy the khakis, he’d tripped, and torn them, and his mother took them to the tailor’s two days ago.

Taylor knew there was no way he could go out without them tonight. Even though he missed Dawn terribly, and hadn’t seen her in a very long time, he couldn’t go out with her tonight. He couldn’t embarrass her that way. Knowing what had to be done, he picked up the receiver and dialed Dawn’s house.

“Hello,” a sophisticated feminine voice answered.

“Hi Anne, is Dawn there? It’s Taylor.”

“Oh, hi Taylor, sure she’s upstairs. I’ll get her for you.”

“Thanks,” Taylor said as he heard Dawn’s mother put the receiver down. He took a deep breath, hoping Dawn wasn’t going to be too disappointed.

“Hey Taylor, what’s up?” Dawn asked as she came on the line.

“Nothing really, I just called to tell you, that umm, I can’t come out tonight.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes, everything is fine, I’m just not feeling so well tonight. It might’ve been something I ate.”

“Oh, alright Tay. I hope you feel better,” she said softly.

“I’m sure I will,” he sighed, “You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

“Don’t be silly. It’s not your fault that you don’t feel good.”

“I know, but it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other, and I really do miss you, but I don’t think you’d have much fun with me tonight.”

“Really, it’s okay Taylor. I just want you to feel better. So go and rest and I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Alright. Goodnight Dawn.”

“Goodnight.”

Taylor returned the phone to the cradle and was swept up in a wave of guilt. Only she could be so understanding. Any reasonable person would’ve been livid with him. He spent most of his life away from her, and now that he had the rare opportunity to be home, he was reneging on their time together. She was wonderful though. She put his welfare above her own, without thought or question, without rhyme or reason, without quarrel or complaint. Dawn really was his best friend. He knew she’d hate it if she knew what he’d done tonight, but that’s the one thing that she couldn’t understand. She was beautiful. She was almost a goddess. She had no idea what it was like to live in his body. To be as formidable as he was. If she did, she’d want to throw up too.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Dawn stood dejectedly in the middle of her room, the phone still in hand. She was really looking forward to seeing Taylor tonight. She didn’t know any friends that spent less time together then they did. She understood he had a career, and that it came first in his life. That didn’t bother her. Right now though, was his time. He’d finally gotten a long needed vacation, and for the first time in months they were going to get to spend time together; get to know each other again. But he breaks their first date over a stomachache.

Dawn was beginning to wonder if he still considered her his best friend. Up until a few months ago everything was great between them. Even though he was traveling a lot, he called her every single day. Then, the closer they got to home, the less he called. She thought maybe he was homesick, but since they’d returned home she’d seen him once, briefly. He hadn’t seen his other friends at all; some of them didn’t even know he was home. He’d barely left his house. Dawn knew something was wrong. She marveled at the fact that he hadn’t come to her. He always came to her. He came to her house the morning his grandmother died, even thought it was only three o’clock. He came to her when he broke up with his first long-term girlfriend. He came to her with family fights, and joys, in pain and in love, in hope and in fear, in sickness and in health. They had no secrets. Except for the one she knew he was keeping now. She hoped it wasn’t going to last long, and whatever he was going through, he wasn’t going to let himself go through alone.

She looked over at her night table, and immediately one picture caught her eye. It was a three-year-old picture of them, taken on the day that they found out that Hanson was signing their first contract. He wore the widest of smiles in that picture. She thought that his face would crack that day. That bewitching smile graced his lips anytime something good happened to him. She gazed at the most recent picture they’d taken. It was the two of them and Isaac and Zac and a bunch of their friends. It was just before they started their tour. She noticed the smile wasn’t so wide in that picture, and now that the tour was over, that smile was nonexistent.

* * * * * * * * * * *

There was a soft knock on the door and Taylor turned his head toward the door, “Who is it?”

“It’s mom, can I come in sweetie?”

Sure.”

Diana opened the door and peered in for a moment before entering.

“What’s up mom?” Taylor asked sitting up.

“Nothing dear, just wanted to see if you were feeling alright. You haven’t been downstairs since dinner.”

“Oh, yeah mom, I’m fine,” he said with a smile, hoping to mask the guilt boiling in his stomach.

“I’m glad. I just wondered because I thought you were seeing Dawn tonight.”

“I was, but uh she….uh I, I just…”

“Guess you’re just not used to being home yet, huh kiddo?”

“No, I guess I’m not. I didn’t realize at first how hard it was going to be to tour again, but now it’s harder to be home.”

“You might try going to see Dawn and some of your friends though Taylor,” she suggested, “You’re never going to be used to them if you don’t see them.”

“I guess.”

They sat in untouched silence for a moment and then his mother suddenly remembered Zoë needed a bath and she left him alone again. As much as Taylor loved his mother, he hated that she was so observant. She was sweet, and always wanted to help, but he knew she couldn’t help him now. He just hoped she would realize that soon. She’d been realizing it more and more, since Hanson had gone global, and since the three of them got older, but part of her couldn’t accept that they weren’t her babies anymore.

Taylor laid down on the bed. He felt dizzy. It was the gorgeous feeling that came from not eating. It was almost euphoric. A better high then any drug could provide. Warm pain surged in his abdomen. Taylor could tolerate no pain, except the pain of something self-inflicted. The pain was the result of him having total control over his body, because of his body’s failure to do as he wished. That wasn’t pain to Taylor that was beautiful. He felt sleepy. He had the sudden urge to do stomach crunches though. He stripped down to his boxer shorts and bare skin and laid in position on the floor. He lifted himself, once, twice, and again, and again. He looked at the wall; his stare was trance like. He was shocked that after only a few minutes he couldn’t lift himself anymore. He looked over at the clock on his nightstand. It was midnight. He’d started his crunches a little before eleven.

“That was an hour?” he thought to himself, “It felt like ten minutes.”

He laid back and tried to remember what he’d thought about for a whole hour, and could remember nothing except lying down on the floor to start. He decided to go to bed, but his legs buckled underneath him as soon as he stood up, bringing him back down to the floor. He burned all over. He winced, noticing this pain was less pleasant then the pervious one. Taylor knew he wasn’t getting up tonight, so he pulled the pillow off his bed, and closed his tired blue eyes, silently praying that this would be over in the morning.

Go to Chapter Two
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