9/17/99
12:23 am - 1:52 pm
I remember being so excited as they wheeled me (bed and all) to the NICU and right into the nursery. There he was a tiny little baby with all sorts of wires and tubes coming out from that plastic tent. I couldn't believe that he was mine. I had made that beautiful little boy. His Nurse lifted the plastic tent and I reached over to touch him. What an amazing moment this was for me. I had a baby. I was a Mommy !! As I touched his little head, he opened his eyes and looked at me as if to say "Gee Mom you need a Tiktac !". I told him I loved him and I left the NICU so that Him and I could get some rest. As far into that journey as I was.....I remember leaving him as being the hardest thing I had ever done. I wanted so badly to stay by his side. To watch him sleep.
I don't remember the few hours after that.......I barely remember my Nurse coming in to take my vitals. At around noon a Nurse came in and told me they were going to take me to see my son. I cannot even explain the sheer terror that filled my body when I saw the look on her face. I pulled myself up into the wheelchair and tried to fight back tears as they wheeled me to the NICU.
As I entered the Nursery, I noticed several Doctors and Nurses surrounding Dillan's incubator. My heart dropped to the floor as I realised they were performing CPR.
I am not sure if I actully yelled out loud but, I do remember screaming in my head "OH GOD NO PLEASE". The Doctor came over to me, knelt beside my wheelchair and told me that my Baby was dying. There was nothing more that they could do for him. I remember the look on his face, it was awful. I remember the look on the Nurse's face as she disconnected the bag, reattached his respirator and handed him to me. As I look back now......I don't believe that there was a dry eye in that Nursery.
I held Dillan, rocked him, kissed him, touched his little fingers and his hair and begged him to move. I begged Him to prove those Doctors wrong. I pleaded with God to spare my precious baby. But that was not in the cards. At 1:52pm the Doctor listened for a heartbeat and then pronounced my Angel dead. There are no words to explain the flood of emotion, shock, terror, anger and pain that shot through my body at that moment. WHY ? Why did God send me this beautiful, amazing little boy only to take him away so soon ?
My Mother and Carol were able to spend time with him,
kiss him and hold him. My Grandparents were also able to see him and hold him. As I look back....our time was too short. Four short hours to live an entire lifetime.....it hardly seems fair, even now.
On September 21, 1999 at 3pm....Dillan Jesse Peacock was buried at the Ballston Spa Village Cemetery. It was a cold, rainy day. It was only fitting as it was cold and raining in my heart. My whole entire world had ended 5 days before that. Almost all of Dillan's Family was there....including his Father.
"The Dance" by Garth Brooks was played graveside. I wanted my family, friends and the entire world to know that even though losing Dillan was pure hell....something I wish on NO ONE. I would do it all over again.....with out a second thought. Just to hold him, smell, kiss and feel him again.
I had never planned to say goodbye to Dillan, until my life was over. It's only natural that parents out live their children.....In my case sadly I have out lived 3 of my precious Children. I will never know why.....But I will always be a Mom and I will always love my children !! Nothing and no one can take that away from me.
I can't even explain how proud I am of Dillan. For only weighing 2 pounds, 2 ounces..........he faught with the courage and strength of a full grown man. My son lived outside of my womb for 14 hours.......14 hours that will forever remain the most precious hours of my life.
"The Dance"
By
Garth Brooks