It's been a hard month. We actually got a positive beta test from this last insemination, but it was only 30, and when we went back 2 days later, instead of doubling, it had gone down to 22.4. So, another failed pregnancy. This is my 5th failed pregnancy, and 3rd chemical pregnancy. Blech. The idea that if I eventually manage to get pregnant again, and it sticks, that it would be my 6th pregnancy (or worse yet, 7th or 8th) saddens me greatly. I never imagined, in all my years, that I would have these types of problems. In fact, when I was younger, and I heard about a woman who had 3 or 4 or 5 miscarriages, I would think, "How sad, but geeze, adopt already!" Now, here I am in the same position, and it's very different.
Losing this pregnancy was hard, but in the back of my head, I kept thinking, "At least we have this baby coming in July." I was thinking about taking a month or two off, just to rest, both emotionally and physically. Then, 5 days after we found out I was miscarrying, the birth mother called us and told us she had changed her mind about us. She wanted the baby to have a Jewish family. We were stunned and heartbroken. We had specifically asked her in the beginning if our religion would be a problem, and she said NO. She also had been so confident in her choice of us, using phrases like "when I give you the baby" and "your baby," all in the first 10 minutes of talking with her on the phone. I was much more conservative and tentative, but every time I said "when" or "if," she would assure me that she wouldn't change her mind. I had talked with her in detail about our previous losses and our emotional state, and she assured me that this was "a go."
So, we were definately not expecting her to change her mind, but she did. I don't really fault her for changing her mind, it's just the way that she handled herself and us that I objected to. She basically didn't stop and really think this through before she met with us, so I don't think she even knew what she wanted or who she was looking for.
So, that was that. I haven't greived that hard for a long time. Early spring just isn't our time of year, even though Rob and I both have birthdays in February and March. We've had to deal with much too much loss during this time, and I really hope that one day we get to celebrate a birth around this time, instead.
We had breifly considered a gestational surrogate, but quickly realised that would be out of the financial equation. Instead, we are plunging back into the medical treatments (although we never really took a break) and are going to have a phone conference on the 27th of this month with Dr. Schoolcraft in Denver. He's supposed to be one of the best of the best, and I'm really hoping that he looks at our records and comes up with a workable plan. If we work with him, we may be travelling to Denver for a few weeks this summer, for some sort of an IVF. I'll try to write again after this conference and let you know how it went.
We are continuing to work with our Dr. here, and are doing another cycle with the Viagra suppositories and Trental, but without the Clomid. I just think my lining needs a break from the Clomid, and that it was getting too thin to accept an embryo anyway. So, we'll see what happens. At this point I am waiting for the OPK to show my LH surge, then I'll go down to the Dr.'s office for an u/s to check my follicle growth. When it's ready, we'll do the hcg shot and then inseminate. Of course it would be so nice to find myself pregnant and not need to use Dr. Schoolcraft's servies, but at this point, I'm not counting on that happening.
