Communication between the ringwraiths and Sauron that you never knew about....

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You're right as always, Boss. The One Ring. Got ya loud and clear. Uh, OK, sorry it's been a week since last email. We like nearly had him at the Ford, Rivendale. I mean, we were really, really close. Even though we had to mess with an elvish warrior and chase after an incredibly fast horse carrying Ringbearer, we were on it. Dude, there was this flood you wouldn't imagine, with scary horse things, and our own horses just freaked, so you'll have to blame the horses, which drowned. Since none of us can swim, and the flood was so terrible, all of us are now buck naked, although I still have my crown. No one lost their ring, which is a plus, right?

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(Sigh). This is not happening. Feared Nazgul in a pig's eye! You have new orders: Get your butts back to the office. No, wait, you'll just get lost on the way. I'm sending my nine foul beasts of the air to fetch you.

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Flying first class, Boss! This is way better than riding horses. Thanks for the gesture. We'll be able to get that Ring on Air Mordor, if you would just give us another chance. Please?

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After lengthy consideration, have decided against my better judgement to send the Nine out again to find the Ring. Yes, you will be flying Air Mordor this time. Make sure the beasts eat some grass for roughage.

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Back in first class, Boss. Thanks for the reprieve!

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Hobbits reported in Moria. Company now numbering nine. How quaint. Balrog will get them. Then orcs will bring out Ring. Watch the eastern exit.

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Moria not on map, much less east exit. Asked elves in Lothlorien for directions, but no help there. Took a vote and will watch Anduin River near Rauros. Wish us luck!

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You're going to need it.

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Good news, Boss! Found the crew (there's eight, not nine like you said). Unfortunately, No.3's beast was shot down by an elf, so expect him to show up all bedraggled at Black Gate. He lost his key, so you'll have to let him in. No.2 hasn't been feeding his beast any grass, and its poop is just horrible! Also, looks like your orcs joined up with Saruman's brood. They captured two of the hobbits after killing man of Gondor. Go orcs. Seems they are heading toward Isengard, not Mordor. Suggest you contact them and send reliable map! Lost sight of remaining hobbits. But rest of company chasing after said orcs, which means that's where the Ring must be. Regards.

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Isengard?! No. Nooo!!! All of you return to headquarters immediately! Witch-king, you head toward Isengard and intercept orcs.

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Boss, went to Isengard like you said, but had to make sure beast got enough grass, so unable to overtake orcs. Someone really trashed Isengard. Don't think Saruman got the Ring, because otherwise he would have kept his place from getting hosed, right? Anyway, it looks like Rohan won their battle with Saruman the White, who is actually sporting more a tie-dye look these days.

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Mercy! I'll have to wage war to get this Ring back. You, Witch-king, go out and attack anyone who looks like they might be wielding One Ring. I'm thinking King of Rohan, since last time I checked he was Saruman's cabana boy.