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Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I did finally hear from the YMCA. I qualified for a 20% discount. Not a lot, but better then nothing. I think we will still go ahead and join. I have to call the skating rink here in a few minutes and schedule a birthday party for Kendra. She turns 11 on February 3rd. I have a shit load of appointments I have to make. My daughter Sarah has been saying she can't see her papers at school very well and complaining of a headache, so I am going to take her to the eye doctor. Plus she needs to go to the dentist, as well as Kendra, Michael and I. Melissa is a month behind on shots, so I have to make an appointment for that. Not to mention the dog is past due on his booster shots. I have a doctors appointment for myself on the 30th of this month to get on Well Butrin SR to help me quit smoking. It's the same active ingredient as Zyban. Plus I need to schedule an appointment to get a pap smear. I tell ya, it's never ends. Thank God we have pretty decent insurance. We pay out the ass for it though. On the bright side of these very dark few weeks. I had an appointment with the social security office yesterday. Kendra is going to be getting $820.00 each month until she turns 18. I am going to take about $300-$400 each month and put it in a savings account for her. Let it build interest. With that and the education fund that has been set up for her, she should have no problem at all paying for college. Anyway. Eating wise, I've been doing pretty well. I just had to step on the scale this morning, because some reason I was feeling fatter this morning. I was surprised to see the scale was down another pound, and this was after eating breakfast even. So, we'll see how it goes on my official weigh-in day Monday. I will start working out when I join the YMCA, I am actually looking forward to it. I need some way to relieve this stress and that is supposed to be a good way to do it. Well, that is all for now. Take care.

Well let's see... First off, I dropped those 3lbs! Maybe it was just due to my monthly friend. If I keep doing good, which I have been doing pretty well, I will post another progress photo maybe in a week or two. I did slip up last night, thanks to my husband. hehe Just kidding, he does make it hard though sometimes. We decided to grab a bite while we were out, because it was late and I didn't want to come home and start cooking. So I said, "lets go to subway" he agreed. I am driving there and our favorite Chinese buffet restaurant is right there, across the street. So he says, "lets eat Chinese instead. So, being the weak person I am say's, "Umm, ok, I guess so". So, you know how it is, or at least for me anyway, you pay all that money and you want to get your money's worth. *sigh* Sometimes I just feel like kicking his ass. He knows this is hard for me. Oh well, I am happy with today's weigh-in and that is all that is important. I do have to tell you a bit about yesterday, something really cool happened. First, we did everything that I wrote we were going to do, it was actually kind of boring. At one point during the day, we came home, it was just Michael, Kendra and me. Michael started playing some music and Kendra and I started acting silly and dancing around. So then I started doing crunches. I haven't done them since forever ago. :P It wasn't that hard really. Then I did some pushups and some leg lifts, and basically, just messing around, seeing what I could do. Now the cool part. I decided to try and do a cartwheel. I haven't done one of them since I was about 9 years old. After all these years, I could still do one! Even being as fat as I am! I admit it, the first one sucked really bad, so I did another one and another one and before long, I had it perfected. Then something happened, I judged the distance wrong and on my land, one of my feet landed in the recliner and then I came falling right on top of my own leg. It was kind of funny really cause my husband wasn't even really paying attention to me, so I said, "Look honey! I can do a cartwheel and I'm a pro!" He said, "Yeah sure you are. Let's see." So here I am trying to impress him and I about killed myself. Needless to say, we all had a pretty good laugh. I still had to prove it though. I'm weird like that. So I told him to come outside and I did a perfect one in the front yard. Sure hope the neighbors didn't see. hehe Okay, I got a little carried away, it's just a great feeling. I bet I couldn't have done one when I was 30lbs heavier. I am still waiting to hear from the YMCA. I am getting a little impatient so I might just give them a call tomorrow and see if they know anything yet. Well, that's all for tonight. Take care everyone!

Sorry I haven't updated for a few days. Been very busy lately. It's weird, I feel like I've been so busy but yet, I can't think of even one thing I've been doing. It's like I've been busy doing nothing. Oh well. It's not the first time I've had that feeling. So, anyway... I feel very confident that tomorrow's weigh-in day will show a loss. Hopefully at least those 3 pounds I gained last week. The kids don't have school on Monday so my mom agreed to take them for the night tonight just so Michael and I can enjoy some time alone. Well Kendra, my oldest one, doesn't want to go, so we're not going to be alone after all. I am not upset about it or anything, I really like spending time alone with Kendra as well. I had promoised her that sometime I would take her to the pet store anyway. This one pet store here in town, they have the cutest puppies. We are not going to buy one of course, just look, we already have a 1 year old Golden Retriever. I might take Kendra to the Kansas Humane Society as well. Plus they are having a car show here this weekend, we might go to that then walk around the river for a bit. We'll see. I just know that I am not going to sit around this house again today. I am going to do something. Speaking of that, I should jump in the shower and get ready now. Take care everyone. I might update again tonight and tell you what we did today, we'll see. Bye!

Just a quick update tonight. It's late and I am really tired. I did well on food and water again today. I feel more confident that I am back on track. I knew if I could just stick it out for a few days, I'd pick up where I left off. Stress level is still very high, so I am really fighting myself sometimes not to eat. The important thing is, that I'm not giving into the cravings. When I have a chocolate craving, which is often, I will satisfy it with a cup of sugar free hot chocolate. Seems to do the job quite well. I also picked up 4 body smart nutrition bars from walmart today. They are really good. I think they are just a more healthy type of candy bar. They still have quite a few calories in them, but they are full of vitamins too. I ate one today and felt full for a couple of hours. That is about all I can think of right now, so I'm going to bed. Goodnight and take care.

As I promised, I am posting my food intake for the day. First off though, I would like to mention. I got a visit from aunt "Flow" today, so that might explain some of the weight gain, I am hoping. I never know when I am going to get my period because I go months at a time without one, and then Boom. That might also explain why I haven't been dealing well with the stress lately. Listening to your daughter cry herself to sleep every night and trying to comfort her isn't easy either. Anyway, on to the food...

Breakfast was a whole wheat bagel with ham, egg and cheese.
Mid morning snack was fat free chocolate pudding.
Lunch was a ham sandwich with a slice of cheese and mustard on light wheat bread.
Afternoon snack was a container of fat free strawberry yogurt.
Dinner was 1 homemade gordita, a side of refried beans with 1 oz of doritos.
Evening snack was a tossed salad with light ranch dressing.
Drinks today were 2 cans of pepsi one, 2 cups of coffee, 1 cup of sugar free hot chocolate, and half a gallon of water.

All in all today, I ate just about 1560 calories. I consumed way to much sodium though, which is pretty normal for me. I am pleased with myself today. I am hungry as hell right now, but I usually get that way at night for some reason. Difference now is, I am not going to give into it like I have been doing for the past couple of weeks. When I am feeling hungry and I can't eat anymore, I will just drink water. End of story. I think I am going to end this now because once again, I've had a really emotional and hard day. I am ready to end it and start another one tomorrow. *sigh* Oh, before I go. I did put in a application for a YMCA membership yesterday, but they said it will be 10 days before I know anything. I'll let you know. Take care.

I had my first gain today. I am not that upset because I know I deserve it. If anything, it is a blessing. Let me explain. I have been eating terrible for just about 3 weeks now. For 2 of those 3 weeks, I was still losing weight, even eating like I was. I think I kind of became cocky about it. I was somehow thinking that I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. This gain was a slap of reality. It brought me down a level or two. I know now that I have to work hard to reach my goal weight. So, instead of being upset and using this as an excuse to give up or eat a whole bag of chips, I know what I need to do now. I made myself a healthy high protein breakfast. I've drank 32oz of water so far, 9:24am. I am going to eat healthy from now on. I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I just lost my focus for awhile, I'm back now. I am going to get a shower in a second and run up to the YMCA and see about that membership I mentioned a couple of days ago. I think that is what I really need right now. I think I am even going to skip my free day this week. Well, maybe not skip it all together, but not gorge myself either. Maybe I should set a 2500 calorie limit on free day. You might think that doesn't sound like a free day then, if I am still going to set a calorie limit, but when I don't, I'll bet I consume up to 4000 calories or more sometimes on that day. I really don't know the exact amount, but I am sure it's a lot. I don't want to have to spend the whole week trying to fix what I did to myself on my free day. Kind of seems like I would be defeating the purpose, you know? Anyway, I need to get in the shower. Take care.
***Update***
I have to confess and own up to my mistakes. After everything I wrote about this morning, I didn't do good today. I think I might have actually done worse! I won't go into everything, mostly because it's late and I don't feel like writing that much. I will just say, I did bad on my food intake again today. I guess I just have to consider today a free day and move on to tomorrow. I really hope to do better tomorrow, as a matter of fact, I know I will. True, I've said this before, but this time I really mean it. To prove it, mostly to myself, I will post every single thing I put in my mouth tomorrow on my next journal update. If I can just make it through one more day on eating right, I know I will keep going. So ashamed or not tomorrow, you will see my food intake. I have to put the pressure on myself. I don't want to post another entry making me look like a complete failure, because right now, that is exactly what I feel like.

Hello everyone. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I am not doing so well on my eating lately and I have to make some choices. If I don't do something about this, everything I've done will have been for nothing. I am still wanting to lose weight, but something seems to be in my way. I used to have a fair amount of control over this, lately it seems no matter what I do, I can't seem to make the right decisions about what I put in my body. I have decided that time will not be an issue for me. I am not racing with anyone. I have always felt that I want this weight off now, this minute. I know that is not the way I should be thinking. It took me many years to get where I am and it might take me just as long to get where I want to be. So, I think the only way to really stay with this, is to not put so much pressure on myself. And to stop beating myself up if the scale doesn't move down the way I want it to. I mean, I've done pretty well considering these things.

I have not been drinking water for just about 2 weeks now. Mostly tea and coffee it seems.
I have not exercised since I've started this, except a handful of times.
I have been doing terrible on my eating

It's a wonder that I haven't gained everything back already. I have decided to look into a YMCA membership. I know they offer discounts based on your family size and income. There is no way I can afford a family membership at full price, so I will see if I qualify for any kind of discount. If I do, I have decided I will use it religiously. They have $1.00/hour daycare. I could go during the day while the kids are at school and put Melissa in the daycare. Or, I can go in the evenings after the kids are home and take them with me. I am pretty sure that kids 7 and older can stay in the pool and swim while I go workout. I am not going to push myself to far to fast, because that will lead me to failure. I was thinking I will start with walking the track. Then I will use the treadmills and other machines. Then I might take an aerobics class, maybe start with water aerobics. Then I would like to start some sort of resistances training. I am so worried about having a bunch of loose skin after I lose all this weight. Maybe that will help me start toning up a little. I am going to do this! This is going to be my year to see many great things. I know that it can't get any worse than this last year, it has to get better. One more thing before I go. I was having problems awhile back with some sort of error when trying to view my page. I resized my pictures, because they were huge, and I am pretty sure that helped. If you would like to view my pictures without having to wait an hour, click here. Take care now.

Hello. Well, the stress has been getting to me lately and I have been reacting pretty poorly to it. I am sure you all know what I mean. I've been eating terrible all week. If I get my butt in gear, I might be able to lose another pound by weigh-in day, or at least maintain. At this rate though, it will be a miracle. I don't want to let this stress win, I want to be in control. I am sick of being a prisoner to food. I eat for comfort. I eat out of boredom. I eat due to stress. I wonder if I will some day only eat to survive? I mean, food will always be a treat. I love food, but I'd like to be able to listen to my body, and eat only when I am actually hungry. Sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry just because someone else is eating and it looks good. Sometimes I eat when I am totally stuffed, just because I want to taste something else. Dammit! Why does food have to taste so damn good?!?! If it tasted terrible, you can bet there would be a lot of skinny people in this world. If food tasted gross, you would then only eat to survive. hehe Okay, I know, I am acting a little crazy right now. I am just sick of being a stress eater and wish I knew a way to not have to fight food my whole life. That is another thing I worry about, that I will have to fight with this fat issue my whole life. Even if... when I get down to my desired weight, I will still have to struggle with this forever. Someone please tell me I am wrong. I hope I will someday develop a healthy outlook were food is concerned. I am not a fighter and I hope I don't have to fight forever. So anyway, on a lighter note. I would like to give a public thank you to everyone that has emailed my lately. Your words really mean a lot to me. They make me want to win this battle even more. So thank you again. And to everyone that has signed my guestbook, thank you too. Nice to know people care. That's all for now. Take care.

Okay, it's not actually the 8th anymore but since I haven't been to sleep yet, it still is to me. I think I want write about my personal life tonight and not so much about dieting. We are still having a hard time dealing with the death of my ex-husband. My daughter is still taking this pretty hard, and so am I. Obviously, we had our problems or he wouldn't have been my ex, but I think we were just to young when we got married and not ready to deal with the responsibility. We would argue about everything. Plus he had a drinking problem, still did to the day he died. Just to clear this up, he wasn't the kind of drunk to quit jobs all the time, come home beat his wife and kid or anything like that. Actually, he had the same job for the past 12 years. He was 30 years old when he passed away. He was very good to our daughter. Like I had mentioned before, she lived with him. She was here every weekend and during the summer, she even has her own room here, but her home was with him. It has been this way since she was very small. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, until I got on my feet after our divorce. It was my decision for her to be there, because I knew I could not take care of her properly. Well, it took me a long time to get myself where I felt I could take care of her right, but by then, they were so close, I didn't feel it would be fair to take her. The arrangement we had was good for everyone. So, she continued to live where she was, with him. I had mentioned to him (my ex-husband) many times in the past, that maybe it was time for her to come live with me. He would get very defensive and point out things that made sense to me, so it would get dropped for awhile. Well, my ex and I had gotten over a lot of the bitter feelings from the past and had been getting along most of the time for the past 2-3 years. He finally approved of someone I was dating, which he never felt anyone was good enough to be around our daughter. I will admit, I dated some real losers in the past, even a few abusers. I married the same man that he approved of, and we have a loving relationship. About a month and a half ago, a weird thing happened. I was sitting here watching TV and the phone rang, it was my ex. Him and Kendra (our daughter) had been kind of at each others throats lately. He said to me, "I think it is time for Kendra to come live with you now." I don't know if he said it out of anger or what, but it was something he had never said to me before. Like I said, he was always so defensive when I would bring it up to him. Anyway, I told him of course she can. She kind of wanted to, but she also wanted to stay at her school with the same kids she's known since first grade. I live on the other side of town from her school and I have another child that goes to school over here and they both had to be at school at the same time, so I had a problem. I told her I would call the school and see if they would send a bus for her because she goes to a magnet school, I thought maybe they would. I called them and explained the situation, and they said no, they couldn't do it. So, it was decided that she would stay with her dad and finish out the school year and maybe move in during the summer. Well, she lives here now. She not only has to deal with the death of her dad, but also deal with living in a new home. She was her dads only child, I have 3 kids. It gets quite loud around here sometimes, and she doesn't know how to deal with it. She is used to having her own space, she doesn't get that around here very often, because she has a sister that wants to be around her all the time. I guess it was easy to deal with on the weekends, but not all the time. We are working on so much at once, it's overwhelming sometimes. My greatest pain is seeing her so sad and feeling her tears on my shoulder because she misses her dad so much. I pray every night to stay strong. I pray so that we may become a "normal" family again. Everything is so crazy right now. One last thing. Her school, they finally did decide to send a bus for her, so she is still going to her same school, which I am so thankful for. She didn't need the stress of switching schools on top of everything else. I am really sorry for the long entry. I didn't plan for it to be this long, but once I started, it was hard to stop. Take care everyone.