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Okay, it's not actually the 8th anymore but since I haven't been to sleep yet, it still is to me. I think I want write about my personal life tonight and not so much about dieting. We are still having a hard time dealing with the death of my ex-husband. My daughter is still taking this pretty hard, and so am I. Obviously, we had our problems or he wouldn't have been my ex, but I think we were just to young when we got married and not ready to deal with the responsibility. We would argue about everything. Plus he had a drinking problem, still did to the day he died. Just to clear this up, he wasn't the kind of drunk to quit jobs all the time, come home beat his wife and kid or anything like that. Actually, he had the same job for the past 12 years. He was 30 years old when he passed away. He was very good to our daughter. Like I had mentioned before, she lived with him. She was here every weekend and during the summer, she even has her own room here, but her home was with him. It has been this way since she was very small. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, until I got on my feet after our divorce. It was my decision for her to be there, because I knew I could not take care of her properly. Well, it took me a long time to get myself where I felt I could take care of her right, but by then, they were so close, I didn't feel it would be fair to take her. The arrangement we had was good for everyone. So, she continued to live where she was, with him. I had mentioned to him (my ex-husband) many times in the past, that maybe it was time for her to come live with me. He would get very defensive and point out things that made sense to me, so it would get dropped for awhile. Well, my ex and I had gotten over a lot of the bitter feelings from the past and had been getting along most of the time for the past 2-3 years. He finally approved of someone I was dating, which he never felt anyone was good enough to be around our daughter. I will admit, I dated some real losers in the past, even a few abusers. I married the same man that he approved of, and we have a loving relationship. About a month and a half ago, a weird thing happened. I was sitting here watching TV and the phone rang, it was my ex. Him and Kendra (our daughter) had been kind of at each others throats lately. He said to me, "I think it is time for Kendra to come live with you now." I don't know if he said it out of anger or what, but it was something he had never said to me before. Like I said, he was always so defensive when I would bring it up to him. Anyway, I told him of course she can. She kind of wanted to, but she also wanted to stay at her school with the same kids she's known since first grade. I live on the other side of town from her school and I have another child that goes to school over here and they both had to be at school at the same time, so I had a problem. I told her I would call the school and see if they would send a bus for her because she goes to a magnet school, I thought maybe they would. I called them and explained the situation, and they said no, they couldn't do it. So, it was decided that she would stay with her dad and finish out the school year and maybe move in during the summer. Well, she lives here now. She not only has to deal with the death of her dad, but also deal with living in a new home. She was her dads only child, I have 3 kids. It gets quite loud around here sometimes, and she doesn't know how to deal with it sometimes. I guess it was easy to deal with on the weekends, but not all the time. We are working on so much at once, it's overwhelming sometimes. My greatest pain is seeing her so sad and feeling her tears on my shoulder because she misses her dad so much. I pray every night to stay strong. I pray so that we may become a "normal" family again. Everything is so crazy right now. One last thing. Her school, they finally did decide to send a bus for her, so she is still going to her same school, which I am so thankful for. She didn't need the stress of switching schools on top of everything else. I am really sorry for the long entry. I didn't plan for it to be this long, but once I started, it was hard to stop. Take care everyone.

My husband was standing right there this morning when I stepped on the scale. I had been telling him all week how I was dreading my weigh-in day because I had been eating so poorly. So, I guess he wanted to be there to see the damage. So, I stepped on the scale and it said, "247". He says to me, "What did you weigh last week?" I told him that I had weighed 248. Then he says, "You bitch! You've been eating like shit all week and still lost weight." HEHEHE He's just mad cause he can't do that. :P Seriously though, he was kidding about the bitch part, he is really proud of me. Now if I can just convince him to try and lose weight with me. I will admit, I have been eating terrible all week and I don't know how I managed to lose a pound this week. I really thought I would see a gain for the first time since I've started this. So I am very happy. I know that I have to get back on track. If I keep eating like this, my luck will run out. Seeing a loss this week is very motivating. I am ready to stay with this. I even feel like exercising today! I haven't drank hardly any water all week either, so that is something else I have to work on. Well I hadn't updated for a few days so I thought it was time to do so. Now that I have, I feel better. I am going to go for now. Take care.

I did terrible today! I am so upset with myself. The day started off pretty good. I had 4 little pancakes with sugar free syrup. For lunch I had a tuna fish sandwich and lite fruit cocktail... Then I started craving chocolate. The kids still have chocolate in the house from their Christmas stockings. I started eating a few m&m's, then I decided to eat some of the chocolate ice cream we had in the freezer, left over from my middle daughters birthday party on Dec. 29th. Then I put some m&m's on the ice cream. Damn, it was good too! So... then I ate 5 fastfood taco's for supper. I don't even want to know how many calories that is. I feel like shit now. I don't know what is wrong with me. The more I feel like I am going to do good, the more I screw up. I will do better tomorrow, I know I will. We normally wouldn't even have that kind of junk food in the house, so I guess it's good I ate it, now it's gone. :P I Have to run now, husband is leaving for work and I need to go potty. See you all later.

Sometimes I noticed when I talk about how good I am doing at something, I jinx myself. Example: Yesterday I was saying how good I was doing on water, today, I don't think I even drank but maybe 12oz. :( No big deal I guess, just have to start doing better tomorrow. I didn't do that good on food today either. I ate way to much. I am really stressed out. I need to learn to deal with stress differently then by eating. It's such a hard habit to break. I really want to lose about 10lbs or so this month. I need to get my ass in gear. I only smoked a half a pack of cigarettes today. That may seem like a lot to some but to me it's a big improvement. I will try to cut down each week. Half pack this week and maybe 6-8 next and so on until I don't need any to get me through the day. I will be glad when we are not spending so much money on cigarettes all the time. My husband doesn't smoke, so he is 100% behind me while I try to quit. Well I am tired and I have another busy day ahead of me... so I'll write again tomorrow. Goodnight!

Happy New Year everyone. Once again, I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Things are finally starting to settle down around here. I don't even know how to explain the emotions I've been feeling lately, so I'm not even going to try. Since this is primarily a weight-loss journal, I don't really feel that comfortable going into depressing thoughts.

I seem to have gotten my appetite back. :P I'm doing ok though. I hope to see a steady loss this month, if I keep sticking with it like I have been lately. It's weird cause my tummy is actually starting to feel flatter. I mean, it is in no way flat, but it doesn't have all the folds it had just a month ago. People are finally starting to notice too. It's nice when people say things like, "Wow, I can really see you've lost a lot of weight" or, "Your face looks a lot thinner". I was starting to wonder if anyone would notice, so that makes me happy. I still can't seem to focus on exercise. *sigh* I know it would help my weight-loss tremendously if I would start moving my body more. What do I do to make myself start doing this? Sometimes I feel like the only person out there trying to lose weight that doesn't exercise. I know I need to just do it and stop dwelling on it. I think that will be my main focus/goal this month, to start exercising. Water is still going down good, so all is well with that. I really don't know what else to say which is kind of sad being how I haven't updated in so long. Oh, I did think of one more thing. I don't think I've ever mentioned this before, maybe because I am very ashamed of it but, I am a pack a day smoker. I have been for many years. I am not proud of it and wish I knew how to quit. I have to admit though, since I've been trying to lose weight, it seems as though I've been smoking more and more. I guess the cigarettes kind of take the edge off the hunger. I want to quit, but at the same time I am afraid to. I realize that will not make any since to nonsmokers. I guess I am afraid if I quit now, I will sabotage all my weight loss efforts and be right back where I started. I would really love to hear from someone that knows where I am coming from with this issue. I think I read somewhere that smoking is as bad for you as being 100lbs overweight. I am a smoker and 100lbs overweight. I am in trouble if I don't start doing something about it. I just don't know if I should try to knock out both bad habits (smoking and over-eating) at once or do one at a time, and if I do one at a time, which one should I work on first? Like I said, if anyone has faced this same problem before, please email and let me know what you did or are doing. Thanks and that's all for now. Goodnight.

I'm very sorry I haven't updated lately. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas. We had a very terrible one. On Christmas eve morning I got a phone call... My ex-husband was found dead in his apartment that morning. We have a 10 year old daughter together and this is just tearing her apart. She lived with him about 85% of the time. Luckily she wasn't there when it happened. They don't know the cause of death yet, but from what I understand, it was most likely a heavy mixture of prescription pills and alcohol. I am sure if that was the cause it was unintentional and not on purpose. We should find out today what the official cause of death was. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, telling my daughter. Her dad and her were very close, probably closer then her and I are. I can't stop crying, not only for my ex-husband, but mostly for the long road ahead for my daughter, having to grow up without her dad. I try to be strong for her, I don't want her to see me crying. This is the first chance I've had to update since this has happened because she is always right by my side. She is still sleeping right now, finally. Both her and I haven't had more then 2 hours of sleep since we found out, except lastnight. I haven't been eating that well. I did lose 2lbs on weigh-in day Monday and have dropped another 4lbs since then. I know we will start resuming a somewhat normal life again, it will just take some time. That's all for now because I have to get a shower and get ready to go over to his apartment to sort through her clothes and stuff. I don't know when I will update again.

Everytime it is my husband's day's off, I tend to slack. I did take full advantage of my free day on Tuesday. I hate to even imagine how many calories I ate. Since then, I've done, ok. I haven't exactly stuck with my limit, but I haven't went crazy either. I hope to see a loss on Monday, but we'll just have to wait and see. We've done all of our Christmas shopping over the last few days so we've been pretty busy. I am glad it is over and done with now though. It doesn't even feel like Christmas time. The weather is so nice, it feels like early fall or something. I hope we get snow soon! Doesn't look like we will though. I am going to make this a short entry tonight because the kids are acting crazy so I need to go see what's going on. I'll update again tomorrow.

Today was weigh-in day and I lost 1lb. I am very happy about that. I feel so much better about everything. I feel like I am finally starting to get a hold on this again. It's a great feeling. I have decided to give myself a free day. A day where I will eat all those things that I deprive myself of most of the time. I still won't eat 5000 calories or anything, even on free day. Just a day to treat myself a little. If I want a hamburger from McDonald's on that day, I will have it. I will skip the fries and will drink a diet pepsi though. Basically, I will still watch what I eat on that day, but if I feel like eating something, I will not feel guilty for doing it. My free day will most likely be Tuesday or Wednesday. Those are my husbands days off and we usually like to go out to eat one of those two days. From week to week it will really depend on our mood which day my free day will be. Also, I think one of those days would be best since my weigh-in day is on a Monday. That way I will have time to work those extra calories off before my next weigh-in day. Make sense? Good :) I have been drinking about 100oz of water each day for the past 2 days and it is getting easier, again. It's funny, when you are not drinking enough water, you don't even realize how thirsty you are. You'd think you would be more thirsty, but for some reason, it doesn't work that way. I have found that when I drink tons of water, it really takes the edge off the hunger too. So drink up! :) I think that's all for today. Take care everyone.

*yawn* *stretch* hehe I finally got 8 hours of sleep last night. I have been living on about 5-6 hours for over a year now. Not good I know. It's weird though, I felt more tired this morning, after 8 hours, then I do with only 5.

I don't expect a loss tomorrow, on weigh-in day. I am not really that concerned about it though. I feel much better on my eating. I haven't been eating everything I can, so we'll see what happens next week. I've been logging my daily food intake in my dietwatch diary as well. When I was overeating, I wasn't logging anything. I guess I couldn't bear to see what I was doing to myself. I really should have, then maybe I would have put a stop to it sooner. I haven't been exercising, per say, but I have been doing other physical activities. I was dancing with kids this morning, and let me tell you, that is really a work out. Plus I've been doing a lot of cleaning, which I tend to count as exercise :P I am also trying to start drinking more water. I've drank about 32oz so far this morning.

I can't believe Christmas is right around the corner. This whole year has just flown by. It's crazy. I still have to do all my Christmas shopping too. I always seem to way until the last minute.

I was thinking that I would post another picture after I lose another 10lbs. I have to get my butt in gear. I don't know if anyone remembers or not, but my original goal was to drop 50lbs in 6 months. Well, I've dropped 27lbs so far, since September 26th. I need to get it together if I am going to make that goal. With the way time has been flying by, March 26th will be here before I know it. That is all I can think to say this morning. If anything exciting happens between now and tonight, I might update again later. We'll see. Take care.

I did pretty well today, until this evening. After dinner, 2 homemade gordita's, I was still really hungry. Then I decided to make a salad, with light done right ranch dressing. After that, I was still hungry, so I ate a fat free vanilla pudding and a banana. I guess that's not to bad, but I have really snacked quite a bit today already. My calories today were about 2000. That is one of the downfalls when you go grocery shopping I guess. Even healthy snacks can be bad for you if you eat to many. I have been eating a lot of fruits though, so I guess that's good. Anyway, I am starting to do better, so that's a start. :)

I couldn't help it, I just had to step on the scale this morning. I just had to know if I had gained any weight or not. I was surprised and pleased that I had actually dropped half a pound. My official weigh in day isn't until Monday, but just knowing that I hadn't gained and actually lost helped me to stay more focused. Now if the scale had said I had gained, I would probably have gotten depressed and starting eating more. That is why I try and stay off the scale as much as possible, I just had to know today though. :)

I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon this Tuesday. My back as been really killing me a lot lately. Right now I am just wanting to finish this and go lay down because it is hurting so bad. So what does my back have to do with plastic surgeons you are probably wondering? Well, I know my back is hurting because of the weight of carrying my over sized breast around. So, if I can get approved by my insurance company, I am going to have breast reduction surgery. I am 5'5", well actually 5'4 3/4", but I figure I can squeeze that 1/4" in there hehe. My bra size is 40DDD. Actually it is bigger, but that is the biggest size I have been able to find in "regular" stores. My breast are forever spilling out the top, so I guess that would make me more like a E cup?? God, that is terrible. I am sure it will be way down the road before I have the actual surgery. I have heard that the insurance company usually wants you to lose weight before they will approve it. I guess because they want to make sure that your breast are actually to big and it's not just because you are to fat. I know that I might lose a little bit of my breast size if I lost weight, but I've always had large breast, even when I was thin. That's ok though, if they tell me to lose weight first. It will just be another motivator for me, and I could always use more of those. Well, this entry has become very long so I think I will end it here. As always, thanks for reading. And, as Milenka said yesterday, please sign the guest book if you haven't already. :)