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I don't really know if I've totally lost my motivation or not. I haven't been really eating to bad. Well let's put it this way, I am eating less then I did before I started trying to lose weight but more than I have been in the last few months. If that makes any sense. We have been so broke lately and I've been really depressed and I am a high stress eater. We went grocery shopping today and I bought a lot of healthy food, so we'll see what happens. I will try and update my page more often. I've been really busy on top of everything else. I had close to 40 ads running on ebay and many of them just ended. I did get paid for some of them via credit card so I have been running to the post office a lot. I am such a perfectionist and a worrier, I am so afraid I will send the wrong package to the wrong person, so I kept going over and over making sure everyone was getting the right thing. It was almost obsessive. I've always been like that. Another example, I have to proof read every single thing I write in, email, paper and web pages. I don't only read it once, I read it at least 3-4 times. It can really be time consuming for me. I think that is why I give up to easy. It's almost like I feel that if I can't do something right and do it the way I really want to, then I give up. I also know that when I go to do something, I really have to make time to do it, because I will be at it for a long time. If I don't feel like I have enough time, I don't even try. My house is a mess, and it's because I don't have time to clean it, because like I said, when I do something, I really do it. When I clean, I don't just tidy up. I have to take the time to clean under things. organize cabinets, scrub the floor on my hand's and knee's, etc. If I don't have time to do it the way I want, I just don't do it. So I think that plays a part in my feeling like I am losing my motivation. I guess in a way, since we haven't had anything healthy in the house, I felt like I wasn't going to even bother if I couldn't eat the foods I want. God, just writing all this down it's really an eye opener for me. I don't think I even realized how bad I was until just now, just now when I read all this back to myself. Now I'm even more depressed. Don't worry about me, I will get over it and be losing weight again before you know it. I hope I haven't depressed anyone else with what I've written. Take care.

Wow, what a busy week I've had. I have been listing stuff for sell on ebay for the last 2 days. I've got about 24 ads running right now and still have more to list this weekend. I have to find all my stuff now. It got stored away in the move. No telling where it is. If anyone is interested in seeing what I have listed my ebay user name is the same as my email address, [email protected]. Nothing to interesting, but I guess it could be for the right person. I am trying to get some Christmas cash together. I haven't got very many bids as of yet, hopefully I will get more. Speaking of money, since moving, we are still trying to dig ourselves out of this rut. We had to pay a half months rent here when we moved in an that was on top of already paying rent at the other house. The rent here is $150.00 more a month then the other place. Our tags were due in November and we had to buy two new tires. Seems to be one thing after another. Hopefully January will be better. Now onto the diet issue... Because we've been so broke lately, we haven't been able to buy all the healthy foods I had been buying. We have 3 kids to feed, so I can't really think about myself right now. Not that my kids don't need to eat healthy too, but everyone knows that fruits and low fat food are a bit more expensive. We have been eating meals such as hamburger helper, macaroni and cheese, and other cheap meals, things like that. Not real healthy. Anyway, as soon as we get ahead, I will get back into the swing of things. I am trying not to let this be an excuse for me to give up. I know that I can still eat those things and continue to lose weight, if I eat in moderation. So that is what I've been trying to do. I will admit, I've been eating more this week then I have since I've started. I will not be upset if I don't lose any weight this week. I know it's not the end of the world. I will just have to do better next time. I really hope I haven't bored you all to tears with this entry. I think I will end this here. Sorry about the personal bs. Hope everyone is doing well. Email me, if you'd like. Thanks for reading.

I'm really sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I have been really busy with kids and unpacking and everything else you can imagine. Plus, my internet was down for 2 days. It's really upsetting. I am on a crappy dial-up connection and use MSN internet. We only have two access numbers here in Wichita, KS and one of them is disconnected and the other one has been having problems. Anyway, I am back now and I'll give you the scoop with what's been going on lately. I dropped another pound this week. I have no idea how I did it. I have been eating really bad lately. My husband and I went to Chinese buffet for lunch the other day and then that night for dinner we had pizza. That isn't all though. I also ate a butt load of yellow cake with chocolate frosting that day. Plus other days have been almost as bad too. So as I said, I have no idea how I dropped another pound. On the bright side though, I have been working my ass off cleaning lately. Seems like that is all I do lately. I've been thinking about getting a part time job. I think it will really do me some good to get out of the house while my two oldest kids are in school. I would still have to find a sitter for my youngest and that is a pretty scary thing to me. I am getting pretty depressed being in the house all the time though. I want to get out more, meet people and we could also really use the money right now. It's been one thing after another, money wise. I won't get into all of that, but extra money right now would sure be a big blessing.

I am really torn right now. I am not sure what I am doing, diet wise. I want to lose weight but I haven't been doing what I need to do to get there. It's like all the ambition I had just flew out the window. Not that I really had that much ambition in the first place, I pretty much just made myself eat right. Now, even that isn't working. I feel like I am hungry all the time. I do try to eat less even when I am eating something I probably shouldn't be so I guess that is good. I really need to get back at this. I will try to update again tomorrow but I don't know. It's my husbands night off so I'm not sure yet what we are going to be doing.

Not a bad loss this week, another 2 lbs! I am very surprised by this, I thought for sure I would see a gain. I've been at this exactly 2 months today and I've lost 26 lbs all together. Not to bad, actually, it's pretty damn good, I think. I know eventually I need to not be as concerned about the numbers on the scale, and just worry about that I am eating right and exercising. It's hard though, for me anyway. I keep, almost obsessing over the numbers. I just have to learn that as long as the numbers don't go up, I will be happy. For the most part I am, really. I think what I am trying to say is, to me, this shouldn't only be about losing weight. I need to know that I am learning a eating lifestyle that will stay with me for life. I think that is my biggest fear of all, gaining back the weight once I lose it. I don't think I've learned to eat right yet, every day is a struggle for me. I have to force myself not to eat this and not to eat that. Will it ever be just a way of life without having to think about every single thing I put in my mouth? Will these cravings ever go away? Will I have to struggle with losing the weight and keeping it off for the rest of my life? So many questions. I wonder if anyone really knows the answers.

I am so tired tonight. I've been over at the old house trying to clean it and get it ready so hopefully we can get our deposit back. I was scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees. Now if I could find the ambition to do that here, at the new house. hehe. Today was a really good day. The kids weren't to bad, for once. I stuck with my eating plan for the day, so I'm happy about that. I still don't except to see a loss on Monday, but hopefully I won't see a gain either. I think I am going to end this here because I am so tired and can't really seem to think of anything to say right now. Take care.

Had a pretty good Thanksgiving. We had quite a bit of drama as usual though. I'm very concerned about my sister, she is going through post-partum depression pretty bad. There is more to it then just that, but I really shouldn't go into all of that, I guess. I did eat a lot yesterday for Thanksgiving, but I'm really not that worried about it. I took a good long fast paced walk after dinner. Today I am starting over. I watched my food intake and drank about 64 oz of water, so it's a good start. I never realized how important it was for me to record my food intake every day. Since I have gotten off track and made poor food choices. I also haven't been recording my food intake at dietwatch and it's really enabled me to not be accountable for what I eat. I am going to make sure I do it every single day. I need to start aerobics again too. That's it for now, I will keep you updated.

Happy Thanksgiving! I am sorry it has taken me so long to update my journal. I attempted to do it the other night and got side tracked. It's been a very busy week for me and I've lost my focus in the process. For the past 6-7 days I've made poor food choices, haven't exercised and drinking very little water. I did lose 4 pounds last week and I'm very happy about that, but I don't expect a loss this week and I wouldn't be surprised to see a gain.

I am really scared right now. I've been here before. I do so good at losing weight and all the sudden I just lose it and give up, for what reason I haven't figured out yet. I don't want that to happen this time. That is why I am so fat now, losing 20 lbs and gaining back 40 lbs. That seems to be a pattern for me. I am not ready to give up though. I just need to change my view on things and get back on track. I just have to tell myself and believe, "So what if you had a bad week and made poor decisions. This probably won't be the last time and it certainly isn't the first time. One week out of a life long goal isn't any reason to give up and be miserable again." I'm scared but something is there, in the back of my mind too. I can feel... I know that this time will be different. I want to be healthy and look better so bad. I just can't let food control me anymore. While I was eating pizza this week, (which I am not saying is totally bad but this was on top of eating out all week already) I was thinking to myself how good this taste. Then I started feeling guilty afterwards, as usual, for eating it and enjoying it. It really made me think... Sure this pizza taste great, but is it worth the guilt? Is it worth the added weight? Is it worth sabotaging everything you've been working on just because something taste so good? The answer I came up with to all of this questions is No! No, it's not worth it to me to live unhappy for the rest of my life. I know that healthy food taste just as good as junk food. Junk food and fast food are just so easy. I really think that is why so many people are overweight today. Busy life, 3 kids to feed, feet hurt or whatever the case may be, it's just to easy to grab a fast meal and be done with it. I'm lazy and I admit it. I hate to cook and I hate cleaning up the mess afterwards even more. That is why I am fat today, because I am lazy and I know it, yet I don't do anything about it. That was the old me. The new me has to work hard at this because this is very important to me right now and forever... I would appreciate any words of encourage anyone can offer, I will need them. Thanks for taking the time to read my journal. It really means a lot to me to be able to share what's really going on with me and not have fear of being made fun of or being belittled. I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving and make wise food decisions. Even though many of us are not happy with our bodies or our health we all have atleast one thing in common... we are alive. We are given a chance to make a positive change in ourselves, for that, we can all be very thankful!