Scroll down to see older entries.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to give you all an update so you'd know that I'm still alive and well. I appreciate all the email from everyone, so nice to know that people care. I still haven't been dieting, and I've gained a little weight back as a result. I will not let myself creep back up to 280, nope, won't do it. I still can't seem to make myself diet right now though but, I will continue to struggle with keeping what I have lost off. I'm sick right now and I feel like crap, so this will be short. You have all been so kind to me during all this. I wouldn't have lost all the weight I have if it hadn't been for you, my readers. I'm sorry I haven't been updating. I don't know how often I will be doing it now either. Everyone keep going with this and I wish you the best of luck! I really do miss you all. Take care. Have a great Thanksgiving!

Well I thought it was time for another update. I haven't been dieting at all. The scale is back up to 230. I'm so trying to get my heart back in to this, I just can't right now. I'm very depressed. I am constantly crying. I don't want to be around anyone or go anywhere. I feel lost, so lost. I really don't even know what to say right now... I need help.

Hi everyone. Sorry once again about the lack of updates. As you can see, I chose not to weigh in on Monday. I just couldn't face the scales. Another bad week it was. As a matter of fact, I think I might skip weigh-in for a month. Not because I plan on doing bad a whole month, but I'm sick of weighing in and seeing little or no loss. I think it would be better for me right now to do a once a month weigh in. I'm struggling a lot right now. I guess because there is just so much going on in my life. I was on the verge of giving up this webpage today. I just feel so much pressure from everything. I'm not giving it up though. I know I'll need it at times. I'm not sure how often I will be updating anymore though. I will try at least once a week. I'm still going to be active on my weightloss. I just really am emotionally drained right now and need a break from everything. Please keep checking back though, you know by now how moody I am.

On a good note, I just found out Korn is coming to Wichita! My husband and I are so excited about this. This will be the first time they've come here. You can bet we will be there!

Well, that's all for now. I hope everyone else is doing great on their weight loss. I wish you lots of success!

Hi everyone. Well, I was going to post my Halloween pictures on my next post, but I learned some news yesterday, that has really got me down. Let me go back a bit, for those of you that didn't know. My sister gave birth to a baby in November. He was 4 months premature. It was touch and go for awhile, but he pulled through fine. He is a little behind developmentally, but he was expected to catch up. Well last week, he started having these spasms. He would have 4 or 5 a day. Each time he would have one, he would burst into tears. Basically, he's been a pretty unhappy baby even before this. He cries a lot. Well, they took him in to be tested and he was diagnosed with having Infantile Spasms, also known as Infantile epilepsy. The side effects of these seizures are not good. Please keep in mind, I don't know a lot about it. Any information I have, I found online and I'm doing this from memory, so if my information isn't accurate, please excuse me. He runs a 70 - 90% chance of mental retardation. He also runs a 30 - 50% chance of developing cerebral palsy. From what I understand, it's the spasms that cause the brain damage, so if they can find the right medication to make them stop, his chances of a normal life are so much better. Right now they have him on Dylantin. It seems to be working so far. He didn't have any spells yesterday or today. Please if you wouldn't mind, say a little prayer for him. This news is devastating to everyone. Just when he seemed to be doing fine, he is given another hurdle. I honestly don't know how my sister copes with everything. They have all been through so much in the last year. We are just praying for the best. I was over there earlier today, and he already seemed so much better since being on his medication. He was a lot more alert and happy. I take that as a good sign. Well, I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to call it a night. Before I go, just wanted to mention. Diet wise, I haven't been sticking with it since yesterday. I guess I'm just really upset over this news, I let it get the best of me. I'm going to get back on track tomorrow.

Back again, and so soon! Sometimes I must admit, I just don't know what to write about. It's not like my life is so thrilling or anything. I'm a stay at home mom of 3. My husband works nights and sleeps all day. Nothing really happens around here. I was a little worried about posting that entry yesterday, wondering what you all must be thinking about me now. I look at it this way though. We've all done things I'm sure we're not proud of, but it's facing those things head one, and learning from them, that makes you a better person. I learned a few things. For one, although I don't drink much anymore, when I do, I know my limits. Actually, I haven't drank really in quite awhile. Not only because it makes me do stupid things and I hate the way I feel the next day, but also because it's not good for me or my body. Most beer (basically all I drink) is loaded with calories. It isn't worth it to me.

Man, I move from one subject to the next huh? Okay, I wanted to get back to what I was talking about first. I don't always know what to say in here. I was looking around on Robyn's page earlier and she posted a link to this page. I thought this was a great idea. It lists a new subject to talk about each Monday. Great for me, will give me something to talk about, at least on Monday. So here goes...

Subject: Now that you're on a weight loss program, what's it like being with your loved ones? With your co-workers? Are you getting any support from them or are they giving you a hard time? Do you find losing weight easier if you have the support of others or do you prefer to keep your weight loss efforts private?

Being with loved one's isn't much different for me. I can do more with my kids now then I could before. My husband is always telling me how great I look, which really boost my confidence, but other then that, it's the same. As far as my family (mom, dad, sisters, brothers) they don't really say anything about it. I haven't heard anything one way or another from them. The most I've heard is from my sister, she is also trying to lose weight. She hasn't made any comments on my weight loss, but she tells me all about hers and how she has lost such and such weight. She has always competed with me. I don't know why. Actually, I'm a little competitive with her as well. She doesn't give two shits about losing weight until she finds out I am trying to, then it seems really important for her to do it as well. I pretty much keep it to myself anymore. Other then sharing it all over the internet, the only person I really talk to my weight loss about, face to face, is my husband.

That was easy. If any of you have something you would like me to write about, please, by all means, send me an email and let's hear it!

Up a pound from last weigh-in. Not stressing on it. Just going to keep going from here.

Well, the reason I haven't been updating... I'm ashamed of myself. I know this is the place to come and get it all out, but I couldn't. I actually even thought about giving up this page there for awhile. Not giving up my quest to be healthy and thin, but this page. I was kind of stressing on it. Feeling like I should be updating more often, but not wanting to. Feeling like it's not really helping me much, so why bother? Deep down, I know this page has helped me. Everyone that reads it and occasionally sends me some encouraging words, you all help me. I would truly be lost without having a place to, however seldom, write out my thoughts and feelings. So I'm not giving it up. As a matter of fact, I think I need to update it more often. When I'm not writing, I'm stuffing my face. That is all I've been doing this past week, stuffing my pie hole.

I've been sitting here, practically in tears. Sometimes I feel so hopeless. I can't explain it, but sometimes when my willpower just isn't enough to push me on, I start thinking about negative things that have happened as a result of my extra weight. Negative comments and feelings. Some reason, I take all the negative and make it push me. It actually works most of the time. Example...

About 4 years ago, I was drinking with a friend of mine at her brothers house. Her brother is an A1 asshole. I mean, a very immature, 30 something, _______ (insert bad word). I had never really had problems with him before this night, but in my drunken state, he chose the opportunity to degrade me to no end.

Let me say first, I used to drink a lot. I guess I could even be classified as an alcoholic. That night, I drank more then usual. I was pretty much shit faced.

I'm not sure when it happened, but I suddenly felt like I was going to puke. I go into the bathroom, sit on the floor and wait for the puke to come. It never did, but I felt like lead, I couldn't move. Couldn't get up off the floor. I thought I would just lay on the floor for a few seconds until I felt better, and then go back in the living room. It didn't work that way. I started getting dizzy. There were quite a few people there that night, so no one really missed me. Then it happened. Someone had to use the bathroom. I knew they were knocking, but for the life of me, I couldn't move. I used me feet to keep the door closed since there wasn't a lock on the door. They eventually got in. My shirt had rolled up, exposing my tummy. Kerry, my friends brother, started in right away. "Hey biggy, get up!" "Get off the fucking floor." I said, as best I could, "Just leave me alone, I just need to rest." He said, "Get your fat ass off out of the bathroom, I need to use it." Before I knew it, there was a crowd gathering around. I heard laughing and insults left and right. My friend tried to get everyone to leave me alone, but they wouldn't. Finally she helped me up and splashed cold water on my face and walked me into the other room. We left soon after. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I was so humiliated. I never wanted to see any of those people again. I was hurt beyond belief. I decided after the night, first off, that I would never drink that much again, secondly, I was going to lose weight.

I weighed about 260 lbs that night. Three months later, I weighed 220 lbs. I didn't starve myself either, but I was strict on myself. I only ate 1,200 a day and I exercised somewhat religiously. That was one of the lowest points of my life. I decided rather then use the experience to eat more out of depression, to use it as a tool. I was so determined not to be made fun of anymore, it pushed me to do what I needed to do. Also, 3 months later, after I lost all that weight, I seen her brother again. Quite by accident I might add. When he seen me he said, "Hey slimmy." He had a very smug look, that I just wanted to slap right off his ugly face. "Looks like slimmy has been losing weight." I turned to him and said, "Yes I have, not that it's any of your fucking business." He started laughing. I smiled at him and walked off. I felt good. There was nothing he could say at that point to bring me down, because I didn't give a crap what he thought, and he knew it. I have seen him a few times since then too, and he never said one word to me. Even when I had gained back all the weight, he kept his mouth shut, which I am truly grateful for.

Maybe using negative experience like the one above, isn't the best way to go about trying to motivate myself, but I feel like rather then letting the negatives sit and fester in my brain, why not turn them around to work for me? Now the problem is, it isn't working this time. I've been sitting here trying to relive the whole experience over and over again in my mind. Trying to think about all the hurt I felt and remember how it was when I decided to change myself. I remember the hurt, but it doesn't seem to want to motivate me to do anything about it now. So I'm thinking, maybe it's time to think about positive things rather then negative. I truly feel this is all about your mindset. If you are in the right state of mind, you can accomplish anything, so that is why this is such as issue for me. One positive thing that is pushing me right now is, Thanksgiving. I will be seeing a lot of my family then. I want them to be proud of me. Last Thanksgiving, I weighed 256 lbs. I've officially lost 31 lbs since then. I'd like to lose another 10 lbs at least, by this Thanksgiving. I truly feel motivated right now and feel back on track. This is something I want really bad and there's only one way to do it.

I am still undecided about weigh-in tomorrow. At first I had decided to skip it all together. I just couldn't stand to see the numbers on the scale, which I'm sure are way up. Now I'm thinking since I'm starting fresh, I just need to do it, good or bad and start from there. So I will be weighing in tomorrow.

I really had no intention of going into a long story today. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm going to write about until I get here. Today though, I was going to post our Halloween pictures. Since I've taken up so much time writing today, I will save the pictures for next time. Thanks for listening. Take care!

Okay first of all. Please if you like The Sims and/or Trading Spaces, click the link on the front page. I made this, and it took me quite a long time. I even made the matching smocks for the sims. If anyone would like them for your own game, just let me know.

I sort of said to hell with it today and pretty much took another free day. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it either. I plan to make up for it all this week, so I should be okay come weigh-in day.

Nothing has really been happening around here. We are in the process of putting up our Halloween decorations, then I will post a picture. It's going to look really cool. Not sure how it will look in pictures though. A lot of black lights and a couple strobelights.

Well, not much to say. It's actually the 9th, since it's 1 am. I really should get to bed, have to be up by 7. Take care!

Sorry it's been so long. Even though I haven't been updating lately, I've been doing fairly well on my eating. I've been trying to focus on eating only when truly hungry. It hasn't been to hard actually. I've adjusted my attitude a little bit, so that is helping me a lot. I've come to far to let it all slip away. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 226. If I can eat right today, then I might see a loss tomorrow. I really don't want to get stuck in the 220's like I was stuck in the 230's. I just want to keep going and make some real progress.

Life has been pretty hectic lately. Kids keep me very busy, when I'm not cooking, cleaning or taking care of kids, I've been playing The Sims. I just got the newest expansion pack, "Unleashed". I usually buy the expansion packs, play it for a couple of weeks and get bored. So I'm sure that's what will happen this time too. I'm working on something right now though, something involving The Sims. I will be posting a link to it soon. It's very time consuming, but I think it's worth it. So check back to see what it is. ;)

I haven't worked on my dollhouse in a few weeks now. I'm kind of at a standstill. I have to make some odd shaped cuts, and I just don't have the tools to do it.

I want to thank everyone that has emailed me and let you all know, I will write back, that's a promise. I love getting email, aside from spam. It really makes my day. I truly do appreciate it.

I've been thinking about getting my cat declawed. I know that might seem cruel to some people but, he has been scratching my husbands very expensive speakers. My husband wants to get rid of him. I feel like the alternative of having him declawed is much better then having to take him to the pound where he could possibly be put to sleep. He is an indoor only cat, so I think it should be okay.

Well, I just wanted to check in, let everyone know all is okay here. I'm going to make a crockpot chicken for dinner tonight so I need to get it started. I can't guarantee when I will update again, but I promise I will update at least once a week. That's about all I can commit to right now. Take care everyone. Oh by the way, I actually exercised today! Weee, not much but at least I did it!

Hi everyone. I finally got TOM. So I'm happy about that. I've been very emotional lately though, and it's driving me crazy. One minute I'm feeling great and the next minute, I'm down. No reason, just major mood swings. My eating is out of control right now, and I have developed a shitty "Who cares?" attitude. I know that I need to take some time, maybe write down some things, and get back on track. That attitude is what will beat me. Maybe it's time I see a doctor and possibly get on some medication for depression and moodiness. I haven't had any desire to do anything. I haven't read any journals lately, I haven't been to my own message board much, I haven't updated this site. It just seems like nothing sounds exciting anymore. I'm really in a funk. :(

I went to eat the other day at this sub shop called "Quizno's". It was pretty busy in there, due to lunch rush. I felt like such a whale going in there and ordering food. I felt like everyone was looking at me and were most likely disgusted. You would think that would be enough for me to not go in fast food joints anymore, but it's not. I just hold my head up high, order my food and leave. Lately I've caught my reflection in the big windows as I'm entering stores. The person staring back at me is grossly huge. I can't believe what I see, yet lately, I haven't been doing a damn thing about it. I'm so mad at myself. I'm so confused. Why is it so easy to stay on track for a few weeks, then it's like I couldn't stay on track if my life depended on it. And let me tell you, I feel like my life does depend on it. I know that if I don't get control of myself, I might not be around to see my grandchildren be born some day.

I'm very surprised I didn't see a gain today. No loss, that's for sure, but not a gain either. Maybe I should use this as a sign and get my shit together now, before I do end up seeing a gain. I'm sorry for such a depressing entry today, but I just needed to vent a little. I do feel better for it, so thanks for listening.

Well, looks like this week isn't going that great either. It's technically the 25th, it's 10 after midnight right now, but this entry is mostly about the 24th. Once again, I didn't stay on plan. I feel like no matter what my intentions are, by mid afternoon, I just can't stick with it. It's only mid-week. If I can get my shit together now, I might be able to see a loss come weigh-in day. I still can't believe I only gained 1 pound last weigh-in. I'm afraid all this bad eating is going to catch up to me this week and I will see a huge gain. I honestly think TOM, that I'm still waiting for, is playing a big part in all of this. I'm a little freaked out. TOM is late, by about 4 days. My breast are sooo sore and tender. They seem bigger to me also, if that is even possible. I now have this off the wall fear of being pregnant. My tubes are tied. I know that isn't always 100% but, I chose to get my tubes tied because I do not want any more children. This is really scaring me. I really can't base this fear on my period being late, because I never really have normal periods. Lately though, it's been pretty regular. The one thing that is really scaring me is, my boobs being so sore. I never get sore boobs, unless I'm pregnant. At least it has always been that way. I just pray that something else is causing it this time. Oh yeah, and I can't forget that I almost puked in the car today. Just driving down the road and all this bile just came up into my throat. It was sickening. I have a very strong stomach. As a matter of fact, I rarely ever puke. Even with my last two pregnancies, I never had morning sickness. So, I'm not sure what caused that. I know I'm just being paranoid. I can't be thinking like this, it's to scary.

I know many women are trying to become pregnant, and would do almost anything to get that way. I truly understand this. I hope that you all can understand my stance on this as well. I hope no one will think I'm being a selfish bitch about this, trust me, that isn't the case. I love babies and I loved being pregnant. As a matter of fact, I miss being pregnant, but I have to put all my time and energy into raising the ones I have now. That is why I decided to get my tubes tied. I know my limits. I feel blessed with the children I have, but I truly do not want another one. So on that note, I hope no one is offended by my strong wish not to be pregnant.

Please guys, wish me luck this week. I need to get back on track and I could sure use some encouragement. Please drop me an email or sign the guestbook. Thanks a lot.

Click here for older entries