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It's been awhile huh? Not really sure what to say. I've been struggling all last week and this week isn't starting out all the great either. Luckily I only had a 1 pound gain. I thought it would be worse, a lot worse. Sunday morning, I weighed myself and it said 226 lbs still, but today it was 227 lbs. Yesterday, I was invited to all you can eat pizza buffet and I was weak and went. I am going to work really hard this week, hopefully, and get that pound and a friend of his gone. TOM is on the way and this always seems to happen around this time, so I'm not that worried about it. I just need to hang in there for a bit longer.

I kept meaning to update last week, but I really had no desire to get on the computer at all. I haven't been in a very talkative mood. I'm a little disappointed in myself. I was doing so good this whole month, and now, I feel like I'm losing control again. I hate feeling like that. Just another stage in this journey I guess. Lord knows I've been through many stages. This one will pass too. I will try and update more often. Take care.

I typed out a long entry last night, and before I could save it, my computer locked up. Grrr! On a good note, I lost another 2 lbs this week! Total loss to date is 54 lbs! Let's hope I can keep this up.

I weighed 220-225 lbs when I first met my husband. I'm almost the exact same weight but, I don't look or feel the same weight. I still feel pretty darn big. Back when I first met him, I felt pretty good about myself. I even felt sexy. Now, I feel just as big as I did when I first started. I've seen people that have lost a bunch of weight, but still feel like they are fat. I swore that wouldn't happen to me. As a matter of fact, I couldn't really understand it. Now I can kind of understand. In my case it's different though. I really am bigger than I was back then, even at the same weight. I had my husband confirm it. I guess it's because I had a baby since then, which really stretched out my body. I think when I drop another 20 lbs, I might start feeling a lot better about myself.

I finally tried spaghetti squash last night. I bought one like 2 months ago (they stay good for up to 4 months). I was a little iffy about trying it because I'm not a big squash person. So last night I was cooking spaghetti and I thought, why not give it a try? I made pasta too, for everyone else and incase I didn't like it. It was surprising good and filling. And the calorie difference is amazing. Four ounces of squash = 37 calories. Two ounces of pasta = 210 calories. Even the kids tried it and liked it. Might have to start using it more often. Well, I need to get off here now. I'll try to get around to updating the recipe section later. Take care!

Okay, so I didn't get around to updating as soon as I thought I would. Seems like whenever my husband is off, which is every Tuesday and Wednesday, we are so busy. Yesterday, we didn't really do much, but it sure felt like a full day. We watched a little bit of the 9/11 memorial in the morning. Then I had to run my sister to the doctor and go back and pick her up. After that, my hubby and I went out to lunch together at a place called Bennigan's. It was very good. Of course I ended up going over my calories for the day, but more on that in a bit. After lunch we came home, sat around and watched some more TV until it was time to get the kids from school. Then we took the kids to a park, that also has a free mini zoo. It was a nice calm day. The weather is beautiful around here. Nice slight cool breeze for the last 2 days. I love the fall, it is my favorite season and I can't wait for it to get here. We are already looking forward to Halloween, which by the way, is our favorite holiday. We go all out and really fix our house up. Last year we were pretty broke around Halloween, so we weren't able to buy a whole lot, but this year, we plan to go all out. Heck, a few more Halloween's and we'll have everything we need and never have to buy another thing again. After we get it fixed up, right around the first of October, I will snap some pictures of it for you guys. We already have a very large black light, but we are going to buy another one or two. We are also getting a strobe light, as well as a fog machine. It will be spooky. :)

Okay, yesterday I went over calories. I didn't even bother to keep track. Well I think I went over anyway, it's weird, see... Lately, I've been keeping track of what I eat in my mind and then at the end of the day, I record it all and figure out the calories. Example today, I assumed I had went over, but it didn't matter, I was going to write everything down and fess up. Well at the end of the day when I counted out the calories, I was shocked to see that I had only consumed 1,520 calories. I do that a lot it seems. I always over estimate and feel like I blew it, and then I'm always pleasantly surprised to see that I was actually under. I guess I still need a little work on that area. Better to be under then over though huh? I've stepped on the scale a few times this week and it's still holding steady at 228. Hopefully I can bring that down a pound or two by weigh-in. Hmm, at least a pound. I'm so serious about getting right out of the 220's. I don't want to linger here forever. I'd like to be out of the 220's by Halloween. In order to be at 219 by then, I'd need to lose 1.29 lbs per week. I think that is doable. So there, I set my next goal. Night guys!

I lost 3 lbs this week! Guess all this hard work is finally paying off. I finally broke out of the 230's. I can't tell you how happy I am. There is no way that I am going to be stuck in the 220's for as long as I was in the 230's. Six months! I can't believe that. I plan on breezing through the 220's and right on into the 210's.

Today has been a very good day so far. First the weight loss, then... Something that hasn't happened for a long time. My 2 year old climbed up in my lap and rested her head on my chest and said, "I lav you mommy", then let me rock in her for about 20 minutes. She's tells me she loves me at least 50 times a day, but she has a hard time sitting still, which makes it hard for me to be able to sit and hold her for very long. It was truly a wonderful feeling! One that was long past due. Okay, I need to run for now. I'll update again tomorrow. Have a good one!

Good afternoon. My niece and nephew spent the night last night, so this morning for breakfast, I decided to get everyone doughnuts. I struggled for a bit, to eat one or not to eat one, that was the question. I had the little devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. The devil kept saying, "You've done so well lately, you deserve it. Go ahead, one little doughnut isn't going to kill you." The angel on the other hand was saying, "Don't mess up now after all this hard work you've done. Tomorrow is free day, you can make it." The devil won. I ate a cherry fritter. It's okay though, I'm going to incorporate it into my calorie plan and still stay within my range, so it's all good. Plus, I'm going to do my "Walk away the pounds" video to help burn it off.

I went over my calorie range of 1,700 by 65 calories last night. The guilt I felt for it was unbelievable. I have no idea why I let it upset me so much, but I did. Big deal, I ate 1,765 calories yesterday, that is still pretty good. I was feeling like a hog yesterday. I was hungry all damn day, so now looking back, 1,765 wasn't bad at all. I should be grateful that was it.

Tomorrow is free day. I feel like I deserve it. I've really worked hard these last two weeks. Yesterday and today are a struggle, but other than that, it's been pretty damn easy. Tomorrow is also weigh-in day. I must admit, I will be slightly upset if I don't see a nice loss. I'm pretty sure I should though, as long as I do well today.

Well I had more to say, but things are getting pretty hectic around here so I better wrap it up for now. I will try and get around to updating again later tonight. If not, it will be tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Well, I finally got around to updating the recipe of the week today. I highly recommend it. It was very tasty.

Well, the exact thing I was fearing, happened. I had to pick my 11 year old daughter up early from school today, for a dentist appointment. She looked to be in a pretty pissy mood so I asked her what was wrong. She didn't want to talk about it right then, she said she would tell me later. She finally told me, when we were alone. First she said, she had been lying to me about having met some new friends. Every day after school, I would ask her about her day and find out if she had made any friends. She told me she had met these 3 girls and they all hung around each other during lunch and recess. Well, today she admitted that there were three girls that had talked to her once or twice, but they didn't really talk on a regular basis. I asked her why she lied and she said, "Because I didn't want you to worry about me. I didn't want you to know I hadn't made any friends yet," then she burst into tears. She was crying because she has been to school almost 2 weeks now and hasn't really made one single friend. My heart was breaking for her. As I mentioned before, she is a sweet loving girl, but she is extremely shy. She isn't one to take the initiative. I could tell, by the way she was crying, there was more. I asked her if anyone had made her feel bad or something, and she told me, between sobs, "I was standing outside by myself during recess and this boy said, "Hey fat girl" I just ignored him so he wouldn't know I heard him." She has never ever been called that by anyone at her other school. I was pissed! I held her as I had tears threatening to fall from my own eyes. I will not let some little punk bastard break down my daughters self-esteem. She is there to learn, not to listen to some little hoodlum make fun of her. I wanted to run down to that school right then and there. I wanted to march into the principals office and demand she do something. I wanted Kendra to point out the brat and I wanted to make him cry. I wanted to make him fear me, so that he would never even so much as look at my daughter again. But, she's embarrassed. She doesn't want me to make a big deal about it. She doesn't want to tell on the kid and she doesn't want me to either. I'd say she's pretty smart about that. It probably is best just let to it blow over and hope it was just a one time incident. If it reoccurring though, I will do whatever it takes to make it stop. If it means I have to get a special transfer for her and personally drive her clear across town every day, just so she can be with the same kids she's been to school with her whole life, I'll do it. I know that no matter where she goes, there are going to be big mouthed kids though. I tried to explain to her how some people make fun of others because they feel bad about their self and picking on others makes them feel better. I don't want to teach her to run away from her problems, but I don't want her dealing with this crap on top of all that she has already been dealing with. Every since school started, she has been crying about her dad again. There for awhile, she seemed a hell of a lot better. It was never even brought up anymore. Oh I knew she hadn't forgot and I knew she was still in pain, but she seemed to be healing. Now, it's almost as if he died yesterday. I just can't bear the thought of her trying to deal with her broken heart and listen to people put her down at the same time. I told her to give it awhile longer and see if it gets any better, then we would decide what to do. Do any of you guys have this problem? If you have an overweight child, does he/she get made fun of? How do you deal with it? I'd really appreciate some input on this. I don't want this to happen to her.

On to something else, for now. I've been going strong on my diet. Probably the best I've done since I first started about a year ago. Must be something about September that does it for me. Even better though, I'm actually exercising now. When I first started on September 26, 2001, I didn't exercise, I was merely trying to watch what I eat. I am determined to reach goal. I know now that if I would have been exercising from the very start, I could have doubled my weight loss. Okay, I don't want to go on to much about how well I've been doing, because for some reason, every time I talk about it to much, I end up jinxing myself. So I'm going to let that rest for now. I will say this though, when I exercise, it really helps me stay one track, because I hate thinking about all that exercise going down the tubes because I'm pigging out. So I usually stay in my calorie range for optimal results.

I know one of the things on my reward list is to start going tanning, when I reach a certain weight. I can't remember how much right off the bat. Anyway, I decided to hell with it. I went tanning today. I was in the bed for 10 minutes. I don't see any difference yet, but at least I didn't burn. I think I'm going to start going on a regular basis. I was tanning about 2-3 days a week, back in 1998, when I was losing weight. For some reason, it kind of gave me an extra boost to push harder with my weight loss efforts. So, I'm hoping it will help me now too.

I hate my gut. I mean, it has to be the nastiest thing on my body. It's huge and it hangs. I've had three kids and two c-sections, so it's pretty stretched. My tummy hangs over my incision scar. It gets very sore under there sometimes. If you're looking at me from the front angle, it don't look near as big as I do if you see me from the side. If I can't get my tummy to tone up on my own, then I think some day I will be getting a tummy tuck. The thought of having it done is very exciting to me, not the surgery part mind you. The surgery doesn't really scare me though. I'd do it in a heartbeat if I could afford it. I know some people can get insurance to pay, but I'm sure it's a pain in the ass to get them to do so. Well, it's going to be a ways down the road anyway, have to get all this fat off first! Good night everyone.

Happy Labor Day! Hope everyone has a great day. I know I will, it's free day after all! I lost 1.5 lbs this week! I'm very happy about that. I will update the recipe later.

I can't believe it's September already! Seems like August flew by. I didn't achieve my goal of being out of the 230's by the end of August, but I feel very confident I will get out and hopefully get to the mid 220's by the end of this month. I've been eating healthy for 4 days in a row now! It's been a long time since I've done that. I've even exercised twice in those 4 days. I have to say, I'm getting antsy about losing this weight. I want to get it off and I know I will have to work at it, so that's what I'm trying to do. I only ate about 1,250 calories today. At my first calculation, it was only 1,150, but I made myself eat a fat free yogurt to get up above 1,200. I can't believe it. I had to make myself eat, because I really wasn't hungry. I'm trying to learn to listen to my body now. I'm trying to learn to eat only when I'm truly hungry and stopping when I'm full. Man, I sure hope this last! Tomorrow is free day and trust me, I'm so looking forward to it. I've already got breakfast planned. I'm going to have a sausage, egg and cheese mcmuffin, an order of these things called "Pocheezi's" (it's like tatter tots with cheese in the middle) and maybe even a donut. That's a lot huh? It's okay, I'm ready for it! I am actually looking forward to weigh-in tomorrow. I will post my weight as soon as I get a chance tomorrow err, today rather (It's just after midnight right now). I will also post a new recipe, it's been awhile. I made a healthy new soup tonight for dinner and I loved it. Plus it only had 223 calories for a whole cup. I'm not a big soup person, but this was really good and hearty. I will post the recipe tomorrow some time.

Our kitten, which is very ornery, knocked down my daughters beta fish tank and ate her fish. So now I have to go buy her a new one. She really wasn't all that upset about it, I mean, it is only a fish. Actually, she is kind of talking about getting hermit crabs now, but I know nothing about those so I'm not sure on that yet. Okay, it's late and I have to be up early. I'll talk to you soon. Oh one more thing... I don't know if anyone noticed or not, but I now have a chat room link from the main page. I haven't even went there myself but once or twice. I was thinking about trying to schedule a time to meet some of you all in there so we could chat a bit. If anyone is interested, email me and let me know when and I'll be there. Take care!