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Evening everyone. I'm still trying to get adjusted to this new schedule. I'm definitely not a morning person and waking up at 6:45 am every day to get the kids ready for school, takes a lot of getting used to. I still can't seem to make myself go to bed early, which really makes it hard. I've been going to bed earlier, but I'm still only getting about 5-6 hours of sleep each night.

The last few days, I've really been slacking. I just didn't seem to care. On the surface, to others, I'm sure it looked like I had given up. Deep down, I knew I hadn't, I was just in a funk I guess. Something happened last night that really made me take another look at myself... Last night I was sitting here watching TV with my hubby. We were watching some music videos on mtv. Pinks newest video was on. He was watching with great interest when out of the blue he says to me, "If you could be with any singer, who would it be?" (Yes, we occasionally ask stupid questions like this once in awhile.) It hit me right away why he was asking me this. I answered, "You would pick Pink wouldn't you?!" He kind of smiled and said, "Yeah, I'd bang her." I laughed it off, told him how ugly I thought she was. Started picking her apart, you know? (I don't really think she's ugly. Not the most beautiful, but not that bad either. I wasn't going to tell him that though.) A little while later, I started thinking about it. I got scared all of the sudden. I'm not the real jealous type, but for some reason, I started really feeling hurt inside. I didn't share my feelings with him of course, but deep down, it stung me to hear him say that he'd "Bang" another woman. I know he was kidding. We kid around a lot like that. Hormones maybe? I'm not sure, but this time it felt different to me. I decided then and there, it was time to get my shit together. I want my husband to be attracted to me. I know he is, but I know that I don't have the confidence to radiate sexiness. I'm very insecure about myself, and I'm sure it shows. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not losing weight for him or anyone, but me. I want to be able to look and feel sexy again. I think this is just what I needed to get my butt going again.

Today, I ate 1,508 calories. I drank a half a gallon of water. I had the best intentions to exercise, but of course, I didn't. I think we are going to get our membership back to the YMCA again. Now that the kids are in school, I think it will work out better. My 2 year old is a little less skittish around strangers now too. If you will remember before, I was having a hard time putting her in the YMCA daycare because she would cry the whole time and they would page me to come get her. Well, like I said, she is doing better around strangers now, so it might be okay. If we do indeed get our membership back, which I'm pretty sure we will, I am going to go first thing after dropping the kids off at school. Might as well get it over with ASAP, since I have to be up so early anyway.

I got an email earlier from a very nice lady. She wanted to know,

"What motivates you to begin again after a weight gain?"

I thought I'd post my answer here as well. First though, I would like to add. I don't begin again, I never give up in the first place. So this was my response (cutting out a few parts that don't really relate to the question at hand)...

I'm not sure where the motivation to keep going comes from, I just do it. Mainly because I will keep being miserable until I am at a healthy weight. I've tried to lose weight in the past, and like you, as soon as I would see a gain, I'd give up. Sometimes it would be years before I'd try again and by that time, I would have gained the weight back and some. I can't really explain why it is different this time. I've been trying this time for almost a year. I've had so many struggles, so many ups and downs, it can be overwhelming. I think the one big difference this time from the past is, I am not in a hurry. Sure, I'd love to wake up one morning and magically be thin, but I know that isn't going to happen, so I just keep going. If it takes me another two years to get where I want to be, then it's worth it to me. I'm not only trying to accomplish losing weight, I'm trying to alter my eating and lifestyle for good.
I guess the only advice I can really offer is, you have to look at the whole picture and not base everything on what the scale says from week to week. I have bad weeks, I have bad months. Heck, I've been stuck in the 230's since March. I'm not happy about that, but I just try and look at how far I've come. The thought of giving up now and gaining all this weight back, scares the crap out of me.
Like you, I wasn't always heavy. I know how it feels to be thin. I know what I'm missing and I can't wait to be there again. Just keep asking yourself what you want more. Allow yourself to make mistakes and don't beat yourself up over it. Take a day off and eat what you like, just get back up and start again the next day, if that's what it takes. Stay away from the scale if you know that it might hurt your progress. Most of all, always know that this is forever and not just a diet. Just keep going!

Okay, time to get my butt to bed. G'night!

Time just seems to escape me. I can't believe it's already been four days since my last update. It doesn't seem like it. So here I am to check in a let you all know I am still alive and well.

So, both kids are in school again, as of today. My 11 year old started Friday, and 6 year old started today. It about broke my heart dropping her off today. She, my 6 year old, is a very chatty person. She will talk to anyone, not always good, I know. She's not shy at all and very outgoing. She started first grade today. When I dropped her off, she was on the verge of tears, I could see it in her face, but she didn't want me to know. I asked her, "Are you going to cry?" She had dimples in her chin as she shook her head no. I think the flood gates would have opened had she verbally answered me. I knew she would be okay once I left, but it was still hard to actually walk out that door. Of course everything was fine when I picked her up later. Her new teacher seems to be a very sweet lady.

Speaking of my 6 year old. She is very hyper. To the point that I am stressing severely over it. She is quite bratty sometimes and tries her best to annoy her older sister, which she usually succeeds at. I feel like a ring leader most of the time, try to keep peace in our family. I'm at my wits end quite frankly and I'm starting to think I can't deal with it anymore. I think it's time to have her evaluated. Tomorrow I plan to make an appointment for her to be seen by someone at this place called, "The Wichita guidance center". I am totally against giving her medication, but I'm seriously starting to rethink on that. I think for her benefit as well as ours, she needs something. She has been like this for years now and I've avoided taking her anywhere, because I really do not want her to be on medication. I think it's time, at least, to have her checked out and see where we need to go from here. She will not sleep at night. Last night she slept in with me. I was trying to get to bed early and she wouldn't stop moving around. I was counting the time between movements. Whenever she would move I started counting slowly, 1... 2... 3... then she'd move again and I'd start over. This went on for quite awhile. I was really trying to figure out just how long she could be still. She never went past the count of 6 before she would start moving again. She couldn't lay still for 10 damn seconds! This was at 11:30 at night too. I laid her down at 9:30. She was still just as much awake at 11:30 as she was at 9:30. I don't think she actually fell asleep until after midnight. I woke her up at 7:00 am this morning. Needless to say, that wasn't a fun experience for either of us. This just can't go on any longer. I've thought and thought about what to do, so if she needs medication, then I'm all for it at this point.

I was supposed to weigh-in today. I forgot. By the time I remembered, it was to late in the day to even bother. So no weigh-in this week. I need to start logging my food again. I kind of slacked on doing that and it really makes a big difference in how well I do. I need to see it on paper to really keep track. I have just been trying to estimate this past week, and I don't think I've done a very good job of it. So starting tomorrow, since today was free day, I'm back to logging my food. I log my food on my message board if you're interested in seeing it. You can view it here. Just go to "Ginny's Daily Menu" for current dates.

I feel like such a cow. I really need to buckle down and start getting my shit together. It's been almost a year now. I've lost close to 50 pounds. I don't think that is all that great when I compare it to how well I could have done. I do think it's good though. I mean 50 pounds isn't something to sneeze at. So, like I said, it's been almost a year now, 50 pounds down. If I can do that again for another year, I will be doing great as far as I'm concerned. So, that is what I'm going to shoot for, overall. I really plan on getting in the exercise during this second year. I know I've talked about doing exercise forever now, but it's starting to get nice out again and I hope to be able to start taking my nightly walks once it starts cooling off. This is my year to make it happen. No more excuses. I'm tired of playing around.

Good evening everyone. My 11 year old daughter starts middle school tomorrow. I'm a nervous wreck. She seems fine. I always loved school when I was growing up, until I hit Jr. High. Kids that age can be so cruel. I didn't get teased about being overweight. I didn't have a weight problem until a little later in life. I was teased for a whole other reason. I am not going to get into that today. It's still a very touchy subject for me. I might talk about it some other time. Anyway, my 11 year old is overweight. Probably about 40 lbs overweight. I'm so worried about her. I don't want these kids to destroy her self confidence. She will not be going to the same school as all her friends are going. The same friends she's has since first grade. She is going to a different school where she will not know anyone. She has a great personality. She is the most kind person you could ever meet. I am hoping these will work in her favor and keep kids from making fun of her. I'm hoping this will help kids to realize what a great person she is, inside and out. I love her so much and I would do ANYTHING to protect her and my other children. I fear what I would do if I were to find out kids are making fun of her. I really do. I will not let anyone break down her spirit. I just hope parents are smart enough now to teach their children not to tease others just because they are different. My kids know better. Like I said, I'm a nervous wreck, but deep down, I know everything will be okay.

Tuesday, my husband and all the kids had dentist appointments. What a fun three hours that was. My husband was in the dentist chair the whole time we were there. They seen the kids one at a time, oldest to youngest. I chased my 2 year old all over the damn place. She was tired and very cranky. I had no idea we would be there that long. At one point, we were sitting in the waiting room and next thing I knew, she took off running towards the back. I'm right at her heels, but can't quite grab her. She runs in this room, with a lot of instruments and other dentist type tools. This dentist assistant runs in there right after us. I am walking past her, 2 year old in my arms. I said very kindly, "Sorry about that." She says, in a very impatient tone, "Yes, she could really get hurt in here. Please stop her from running up and down the halls." I walk off mumbling "Bitch" under my breath. I understood her point. Yes, people that let their kids run wild drive me crazy too, but being a parent to a very ornery 2 year old, I am well aware that sometimes shit just happens. Don't talk to me like I'm a 2 year old myself. Everyone else there was very nice. This was our first time to this dentist and I was very impressed with him and the staff. His (the dentist) wife also works there. She takes care of the insurance part. My husband is scheduled for a root canal (fun!) for September 3rd. Our insurance will cover 80%. Which means we have to pay $160.00 up front before they will do it. After going over our finances, we have come to the conclusion that his root canal will have to wait a few more weeks, so we have to reschedule. We also have to pay out $210.00 for panoramic x-rays they did on hubby and 2 of the kids. Our insurance will not cover the panoramic x-rays, only the 'normal` ones. I'm sort of wondering why they did the panoramic x-rays in the first place, without informing us first, that our insurance will not cover it. It was after the fact, that she told us. So, I'm a little upset about that. The reason I decided to make the dentist appointments in the first place is, I noticed a black spot on my 2 year olds, bottom right molar. It just pretty much popped up one day. I thought for sure she must have a cavity, so I called to have it checked out and went ahead and made an appointment for everyone else too, since it had been awhile. When they finally examined her, they put a camera in her mouth so that I could see everything on this big screen they had set up in there. I told her (the dental assistant, not the bitch, a different one) that she had this tooth I was worried about. So she takes a look at it and says, "Oh yeah, that's a filling." I informed her, "It can't be a filling, she's only 2, she's never been to the dentist before." She tells me to look at it very closely. I do. I must admit, it does look like a filling. I'm kind of starting to freak out a little bit, imagining how the hell she would have a filling. She says, as she's scrapping on it with a dental pick, "See, it's a perfectly formed filling." Once again, I inform her, "There is no possible way that is a filling. She has never been to the dentist before." We sort of stare at each other for a second, I'm thinking she's crazy, she's thinking the same about me. She finally says, "Well, I'll have the dentist take a look at it. Have a seat in the waiting room until I call you." So we wait and finally get called back, about 15 minutes later. I'm assuming the assistant has already informed the dentist about the circumstances because he says, "It does look like a filling." Another dental assistant (No, not the bitch this time either) takes a pick and starts scrapping it. Guess what, it wasn't a filling. After much scrapping, we discovered, it was a piece of aluminum foil stuck on her tooth. Very much stuck. It had been there for 3 weeks, when I first noticed it. I'm just glad it wasn't a cavity or (oh lordy, the thought of this still freaks me out) a filling.

Everything is going well with my diet. Still going strong. Hoping to see another loss this Monday. I have a goal to reach and I plan on doing it. I am going to be out of the 230's by the end of this month if it kills me. I just started TOM yesterday, so hopefully that will not affect weigh-in day. I've wrote a book here and I'm sorry to bore you. I had better get some sleep, early day tomorrow. Good night all.

I finally got a chance to update. So lets see what's been going on. I fell off the wagon, I think, for 3 days. The reason I say I think is because, I didn't actually keep track of my calories, but I felt like I had went over, but I always feel like that, so it's possible I didn't, the whole 3 days anyway. Today, I did fairly well, and I'm looking forward to weigh-in day (no matter what the scale says) and to free day tomorrow. I did learn that my scale weighs heavy. My sister was over the other day and she jumped on the scale and immediately told me how my scale was wrong, she had just been to the doctor that morning and got weighed and blah blah blah. It's really hard to say how much it is off, she could have eaten since going to the doctor, which could have made her appear to weigh more. She said my scale weighed her 5 pounds heavier. I guess for now I will stick with whatever weight it says until I can prove it wrong. I am planning on buying a new digital scale sometime in the future.

I want to thank everyone that has sent me an email lately. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you, but I promise I will. It is nice to know that people have only kind things to say. I have yet to receive a hateful email. Hopefully I never will. Glad to know that I am inspiring to some of you.

I think what helps is looking at the whole picture. You can't look at each day or each weigh-in and let the numbers on the scale make or break you. It doesn't matter if you gain one week and lose the next, or whatever the case may be. As long as you have your long term goal in mind and never give up, you will get there. I used to be so worried about the numbers on the scale. I would let it dictate how I was going to eat that day. It was kind of a double whammy though. If it showed me a number I was happy with, I would allow myself to splurge a bit, thinking I deserve it. If it wasn't a number I was happy with, I would eat anyway out of frustration. Thinking the whole time, what's the point? I stay away from the scale now, as much as possible, for these reasons. I wasn't helping anything by weighing myself daily, I was only hurting myself. I've even been toying with the idea of only weighing in once a month. Like I said, I'm not concerned with the numbers anymore. I'm trying to learn a new way of life right now. A whole new way of eating. To learn to eat only when I am actually hungry. I don't feel like I am benefiting from the scale anymore. I would like to keep track of things in that aspect once in awhile, just to see if I need to change things a bit, but my weight isn't my primary focus right now, getting healthy and eating right is. Don't be a prisoner to the scale. Okay, on to a different topic.

I'm going to put up some pictures of my dollhouse now. I've been working hard and it's almost complete, the main structure anyway. Just click the link to view the pictures. Enjoy. I'm out for now.

I've actually gotten all the windows in since this was taken.

Semi side view.

Inside.

Only finished room I have so far. Cute huh?

So I'm kind of under the impression that Tom thinks I'm building this for him.

Look at the size of that head. LOL