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I am feeling so guilty tonight. Today wasn't a very good day. My sister and brother-in-law had a birthday party for my nephew today. They had so many people there and there was tons of food. I didn't pig out or anything, but I did eat many things I shouldn't have. Plus, I ate a very small piece of cake with a scoop of ice cream. What makes it so bad though... Earlier today, for lunch, I had Chinese food. I promised myself if I ate it, I would have a very small dinner to stay within my calorie limit. My limit is 1600. Sometimes I go over that and don't beat myself up to much for it. I am usually happy unless I go over 1800. Well today, I ate 2165 calories. I know that isn't that bad. I know I am not a failure because I was weak one day. It just made me realize that it would be so easy to just go back to my old way of eating, just like that. This is the first time I've went over 2000 calories since I've been at this. I am not giving up though. All I can say is, I made some bad decisions today, but there is always tomorrow and I know it will be better. I think I might only eat 1200 calories for two days just to make up for it and let my stomach shrink a little.

I might not see a bigger loss this week after all.

Today is: November 02, 2001

Today was a pretty uneventful day. Kids kept me busy after they got home from school. My heel on my right foot is really bothering me. I am really starting to wonder what is wrong with it. I know my weight probably has a lot to do with it but, it seems to hurt the most when I first wake up in the morning. When I take that first step out of bed, it hurts like hell. I have to limp around for a good 30 minutes in the morning, then the pain subsides slightly. If anyone reading this knows what this could be, please e-mail me and let me know. A heel spur maybe?

I am almost 100% sure I will see a bigger loss this Monday. I really hope so. I am not bitching about a 1 pound loss (okay, maybe I am a little), but I just want this fat to get off my body faster. I know, I know. It took years for me to get this way and it won't go away overnight, I sure as hell wish it would though. hehe Enough bitching for me tonight.

Did well on my food today. Had Subway for dinner, yummy. I haven't been snacking as much either. Not that I am trying to cut that out, just haven't been real hungry lately. I can't believe it! Me, not hungry. The longer I stay with this, the easier it gets. I am not saying this is easy at all. It's really not as hard as I thought it would be though. I log all my food at the end of the day and rack my brain trying to think of something I must be missing. It seems like I am actually eating less and not hungry all the time now. This is a good sign for me. I know my body a lot better now. I used to confuse thirst with hunger and whatnot. Now I can actually tell the difference. I also get full much faster. I was always told as a little kid to eat everything on my plate. I'm sure many of you know what I am talking about. This is a very hard habit for me to break. I feel as if I am wasting food by not eating it all. I mean, that is, after all, why our parents wanted us to eat it all. I still eat everything on my plate now, I just watch what I put there to begin with. Another bad habit, one I formed on my own, I eat really fast. As a kid, I always wanted to eat fast so I could go back outside and play. Didn't want to miss a thing. As I got older, it was more like, I would eat really fast and then go sit on my ass or sometimes, even fall asleep. That is something I have to work on. That's all for now...

Oh... I almost forgot. I listed some pictures so go check them out.

Today is: November 01, 2001

I hope you all had a Happy Halloween! Sorry I haven't updated in a couple of days. You might see that from time to time on Tuesday and Wednesday. Those are my husbands nights off. He works night shift, so I usually update at night while he is at work and the kids are in bed. I like to spend all the time I can with him when he's off.

I did very well for the last two days on my calories. I really hope to see a loss this Monday. More than just a pound. I've increased my water intake, to over half a gallon a day. It's funny cause, I was having to make myself drink it and now, I can't get enough! Sometimes when I think I'm hungry, really all I need is a big glass of water. I also found that brushing my teeth before I drink it, really helps it go down better. As you can tell, I really think water is very important in losing weight.

I've been at this now for just over a month. I've lost 15 lbs. I think that's pretty good. Even though I only lost 1 lb last week, I just have to look at the whole picture and it makes me feel a lot better. The longer I stay with this, the easier it seems to get. I know now that I will not go back to my old way of eating. This is a part of me now. I will suffer through some hunger pains and pass up the McDonalds to be happy, healthy and to look good.

I finally got some batteries for my camera, so I will be taking some pictures in the next few days and post them on here. I am very camera shy and not proud of the way I let myself get. It will be hard for me to show the world my lumpy body. I think that it will make me work harder though, to get those "after" pictures on here :)

I think I am going to end this here. I have to get up so early and I am not a morning person. :( --- I hope you will all be true to yourself and not give up on the one thing that will make your life happy. I am so excited when I picture the new me. No type or amount of food is worth throwing it all away. More tomorrow...

Today is: October 29, 2001

I went out on my porch this afternoon. The 14 year old neighbor boy from directly across the street, was outside talking to the neighbor lady from directly next door to me. She has a daughter the exact same age as my daughter. She is also the kind of person that couldn't gain a pound, even if she tried. The boy was holding her baby and went up to his front door to show his mother threw the screen door. I am assuming the mother asked, "Who's baby is that?". Maybe thinking it was mine. Then he said to her, "The neighbors." Then I assume she asked, "Which one?", because he then said, "The skinny lady's". I went in soon after that, only slightly hurt. I can't really fault the boy, kids say it like they see it and the truth hurts. I don't let comments like that bring me down. I use them to pick me up! When I hear things like that, it only makes me more determined to reach my goal. To be the person I know I am, hiding beneath all this fat. Someday, I know I will be referred to as "The skinny lady" too!

Today is: October 28, 2001

Well, I tried to eat a low carb breakfast to see if I would feel fuller longer and not crave high carb foods so bad. I really didn't notice much difference. Maybe you have a give it a few days before you notice anything. I did drink about a half gallon of Crystal Light today, so I did much better at that anyway. Today wasn't quite as bad as yesterday, craving wise. I still seemed to want to munch a lot. I think it's ok to munch between meals, just have to keep many low fat healthy snacks around. By the way, I wanted to mention. Those meatless Morningstar Farm sausage patties, are really gross. I wouldn't eat those again even if I was starving. Yuck! I wouldn't recommend them. Short entry this time. Hope you are all having a good weekend!

Today is: October 27, 2001

Today was a hard day. Seems like no matter how much I ate, I was still hungry. Have you ever noticed that some days you can eat very little and feel satisfied, and other days, you want to eat everything you see? I still was below 2000 calories, just barely though.

I have been reading this book called, "Spending a week in the zone". In this type of eating plan, you still eat carbs, you just eat them at the right times. You actually eat more carbs than you do protein, so this isn't one of the low carb plans. I don't think those type of plans are for me. In this book, it's all about balance and timing. Like for example, You would eat more proteins than carbs in the morning to keep from feeling hungry within 3 hours or so. It also says to eat 5 small meals a day, rather then 3 large ones. Any protein you consume, for the most part, should be lean.Tomorrow I am going to try eating an egg beater omelet with a little ham, cheese and onion and a meatless sausage pattie, made by morningstar farms. The whole breakfast will only have about 4 g of carbs. I am wanting to find out if there is any truth behind his theory. If I still feel hungry within a few hours, then I'll just keep eating the way I was. I will let you know how it works.

Also, I haven't been drinking very much water lately. Some reason, I can't seem to make myself do it. I know I need to, and I know I will, eventually, just having a hard time getting started. I am very dehydrated I think. I have done nothing but drink coffee and tea lately. My legs are very swollen. I've always been really bad about retaining water. I am a little worried about weighing in on Monday with all this water weight. I know I shouldn't get all worked up over a number on the scale, but I can't help it. It's a little discouraging when you eat fairly well for a week and see no results. It really doesn't matter though, no matter what the scale says on Monday, I know it will be less the following Monday. Bottom line for me is, I will not let the scale control me. I am in control of myself and I will succeed!

My husband and I love the heavy metal band "Korn", him much more than I. The other day we were in a store called "Hot Topic". I was looking around at all the skinny clothes and all I could think is, "Someday I am going to wear that dress". They have the cutest clothes. I can see myself wearing them and I love the way I look. I have to visualize the skinny new me to stay focused. It gives me something to really work for. Of course, it's not all about looking good, although, who wouldn't want too? It's about being healthy too. I have been a fairly lucky person in that, my weight has not yet caused any real health concerns. One thing though, that really got me going at this again was, the bottoms of my feet hurt like hell. I can barely walk in the mornings. I am not 100% sure if it's the weight that is causing this pain, but I'd almost be willing to bet my life on it. I mean, how could they not hurt?

I think I am going to end this here. I will let you know about the high protein breakfast. Have a good day!

Today is: October 26, 2001

Let me begin by saying, although I've had many setbacks, I am once again working on improving my health. I don't use diet pills or fad diets. I realize this weight didn't happen overnight and it will not go away overnight either. I think, for me anyway, the best way I can do this and stay with it, is to eat just about anything I want, in moderation. One of my biggest problems, and the reason I gained so much weight, which I'm sure is the same for many of you, I was eating all the wrong foods at all the wrong times and as much as I could. Sometimes until I felt sick. Not just sick to my stomach, but sick in such a way that I felt out of control. Every time I would eat like that, I felt so guilty, but yet, I'd do it again the next day. I was way out of control. Now my weight is way out of control as well.

I am one again, trying to control my eating and lifestyle habits. I've been at it now, this time, for about a month. I've been very pleased so far with the results. I've went from 280 lbs (yes, I've gained about 20 lbs since I started this page), to 265 lbs! The first few weeks, the weight (or mostly water weight), was coming off very quickly. Now it is slowing down to about a 2 lb drop a week. I am happy with this. Normally, I would get frustrated by only seeing 2 lbs a week dropping off.This time, I am just thankful that I am not gaining. I have a calorie limit of, 1600 a day. I think for me, that is a good number. I find that if I set my calorie limit to low, I will finally just get so hungry, I'll just snap one day and starting eating everything it sight. Oddly enough, I feel very full and satisfied most of the time. I am setting small goals for myself right now. Like,I want to drop 50 lbs in 6 months. Okay, so maybe that's not such a small goal. My ultimate goal is 160 lbs. I have a somewhat large frame, even when I was thin, I always looked, "buff". Plus, I've had 3 children, I realize I will never have the body I did when I was 16 again. I think 160 lbs will look very good on me. Who know though, once I get there, I might decide to drop some more. I know that this time, I am going to reach my goal. I don't have one doubt in my mind. I feel that is very important. If while you are trying to shed some weight, you have this nagging feeling in the back of your mind, "I can't do this." or "I'm just wasting my time, I've tried this 100 times, never worked then and it probably won't now." chances are, you are not ready to change your lifestyle and your weight. I think, when the time is right, you'll know it, and you'll do it!

Now exercising, that's a different story. I hate to exercise. As of now, I've haven't done any. I know I should, and I will work that in, slowly. I have a treadmill that the kids broke. I just got it fixed, so I do plan on using it. Once I am in a little better shape, I will start doing aerobics. I think Richard Simmons tapes are great for me, I just need that little kick in the ass to get started.

Well, I'm going to end here. Please check back often and thanks for coming! Good luck to everyone that is trying to thin down and be healthy. I know you can do it.

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