Well, March turned out to not be a disaster for me. Maybe the pendulum is swinging back to having some good luck for a change? I'm sleeping better, my daughter got the letter I sent her and will write someday. That's all I can ask. It was a bad month for Claire though. She lost her tail in the market. Percentage wise, she lost more than I did. Dollar wise, she lost her plastic surgery money. I feel for her because I've done that too, but I'm kind of lucky (in a way) because I have a house in Houston I can sell and get money. She doesn't have that luxury.
Betty is just rolling along. I've been helping her in the garden the past few days and it's starting to look good outside.
She also has me almost cleared of my beard. Last week we did 8 1/2 hours and this week 5 1/2. She was having trouble finding hairs to zap at the end. Soon!!! :-)
Let's see, what else.....Miss TG Forum 2000 voting starts on Monday, the third. I'm in the first "flight" and hope to make it to the next level. I have a lot of wonderful competition though. We'll see.
April 3rd
Guess what? I bought a computer! I didn't really want it, but I got it. Remember that little deal last month (or the month before)? I finally went and got the check from my son. It was $250 short. I kind of blew up over the phone when I actually looked at the check. What the BLANK was going on. Well, here's his explanation. The $1500 was for the computer PLUS the monitor. Of course, he didn't tell Claire that when the deal was made. It was for the computer WITHOUT the monitor. I'm caught in the middle again. Darn! My son even threatened to have the buyer put a hold on the check. Thanks son, I appreciate that. So, trying to make lemonade from this bunch of lemons, I offered to pay the buyer $250 to just give me the computer back. He agreed. So now I own another computer! Joy! And right when I need every penny. Oh joy! However, what I was thinking about when I made the offer (I try to think at least once a month) was if I needed the computer in the new business down in San Angelo. My sister said I would because the one I have now is not powerful enough. So now I have the lemonade. See? It's not so bad is it! Now about my son...............
He told me afterwards that he's getting married. WHAT!!! I wonder if anyone was going to tell me. I have the funny feeling I won't be invited to the wedding, but we'll see. I also found out that my daughter has moved to Chicago and staying with relatives. Without her husband BTW. My personal opinion is, and always has been, that he was/is belittling her because of her LDD (she got lucky like me and has it). This is one of the reasons for her stomach problems and goes back a few years, right about the time her problem started. I know I didn't help, but I'm not the only reason for the problems she is having.
April 6
I already told you that I'm going out to San Francisco for facial reconstruction surgery. What's new is I'm going on a car trip with my mom and sister! We'll be leaving around the 1st of June and work our way out to California. It will take about 6 weeks and will afford me the opportunity to get to know my mom and sister better. They're starting to call me Theresa now BTW. It sounds funny to hear them say it and probably just as funny as they feel saying it. But it's nice, very nice.
I hope the house in Houston sells!!!!! If it doesn't, I'll lose the $5,500 deposit I have with the doctor.
April 11
I actually don't have anything to say! Hmmmmm, well, I could mention I've cut the amount of hormones I take in half. I was on way to high a dose for a long time. Claire's slowly making her money back in the market and Betty keeps rolling along.
April 17
Kind of an important day. I emailed Dr. Sanguan today asking for a surgery date for my SRS. He's booked up until next February so I thought I had better get on the ball. Also, the house in Houston has a contract on it. It sold for what I wanted and it sold very quickly. Good thing too. I got caught in the stock market correction of last week, losing almost 7 thousand dollars. Most of that was in my mutual fund so I didn't screw anything up, but I had all my ready cash tied up in Cisco Systems. Well, today it came back 17% and I got out at what I bought it for. The mutual fund came back a thousand dollars too. I also had a thought of what my life has been like. Have you ever woken up from a dream that was so real you swear it must have happened? That's what this is like. I'm just now waking up from a dream. A sometimes pleasant dream, but sometimes a nightmare dream. And even though it seemed so real, nothing can compare to how it feels to be awake. Finally.
April 19
Ever notice, when compared to when I started this diary, how many more entries there are? Lot's of stuff going on. I had my first experience in a hair salon today. They frosted my hair and cut it into a very feminine look. It really looks great.
I also had a nice date with a very nice gentleman. You didn't think I'd spring for 60 bucks without a good reason did you? :-)
Back to the date {smile}. We walked around downtown for awhile and had a lovely dinner at one of my favorite places to eat, Seanachie's Irish Pub. The food is good (and there's lots of it), the atmosphere quaint and the people friendly. Usually there's a band playing but not last night. I had a wonderful time any way you look at it. I think I may learn to like dating. :-)
April 28
Three dates with my gentleman friend. I guess the change of deodorants worked. (I'm sorry, I don't want to appear facetious. Sometimes things work out, sometimes not. It's just that my first two "meetings" fell off the face of the Earth after seeing me in person. Why? Darned if I know, thus the joke about the deodorant).
Remember when I went looking for a job? March 6th? One of the places I went called today wanting to interview me on Monday. I'm going to go but it's going to be a waste of time, I leave town on June 1st for my trip with my mom and sister.
May 2000
Well, now it's May 3rd and an update is needed. After a lot of negotiating, it looks like the house in Houston will finally sell. I had to send almost half of my facial surgery money to get a release on the second mortgage. I also came down another $1,000 on the selling price, but if it sells without a hitch (why, oh why do I say that? Do I expect a hitch or something? To be blunt, yes) anyway, if it sells without a hitch I'll be ok. I have to send Dr. Ousterhout $22,200 by the end of this month. If I don't, I'll lose the $5,500 deposit I've already sent in and my surgery date. If that happens I just know how I'll feel. Let's just hope that, this once, things go as planned. Can we do that Lord? This once? Please?
May 8
Kind of a nice weekend. I spent Sunday with a friend by her pool. It's been years and years and years since I've done that.
The water was just this side of Heaven and her place was beautiful. I had a wonderful time. Thank you Michelle!!! :-)
I also may have something to do during the day. My psychologist set me up with some volunteer work that should prove to be both interesting and challenging. I'll know more on Wednesday, but I've already talked with the director of the organization on Sunday and he sees a need for me. I'll write more after I find out more.
I'm glad yesterday was a good one. Today we have problems. My ex hasn't signed the papers needed for me to sell the house. She's had them for 6 days now (we checked the tracking number). I've called but no answer (this is par for the course and usually doesn't mean anything). However, my stomach is doing flip-flops right now.....
May 10
The papers are signed. Just the normal "three people in the hospital at the same time" sort of thing. In other words, she was up to her neck in stuff and had better things to do at the moment.
May 25
Even as I type this, the closing for the house should be going on. We had the usual mess-ups, but so far, so good. I've been doing volunteer work for a local agency that helps people in trouble with their SO. They have promised the funding needed to open a Transgender Resource Center in Nashville, something I've dreamed of since last year. If I can do ANYTHING to ease the pain some of these girls go through I would feel my life would have had some meaning. My psychologist is actively involved as well. She has some wonderful ideas that I would have never thought of. I may be a pessimist but the amount of money they have pledged is large and I don't know them all that well as of yet. I hope they can deliver as promised!
I leave for my trip soon and I'm looking forward to it but I'm getting apprehensive about the surgery. Nine hours of surgery at my age can be tough. I think it's a clue as to how eager I am to finish this process and become who I was meant to be by the fact that I'm still going to have the surgery.
May 30
I've talked with my daughter several times and had pleasant conversations but she still won't see me. I've been trying to get in touch with my son to say goodbye (and get the &**&*$%!!! computer) but no answer. Well, he doesn't return my phone calls anyway. This will be the last time they can see the person they know as "dad". Oh well. When I stopped worrying about the kids, thoughts of suicide stopped and I found I could move forward much easier. I had a funny thought last night. If you've read the little thing about how it feels to be transgendered, you'll see that I've never felt I belonged anywhere. Now I don't belong to my (ex) family. Thank God for my birth family. They have taken me in with open arms. My mom and sister will be with me for the trip and the surgery. My brother and niece will fly in to be with me as well. Why is it easy for them and so terribly, terribly hard for the children I raised? (Actually, I know why. My birth family didn't know me very well, so this is not such a shock).
So you may not hear from me for some time.....................................
July 22, 2000
It has been some time hasn't it? I got back from my trip on Thursday evening (today's Saturday). I'm very tired and weak and bruised but I got through it ok. The trip itself was very nice. I left for San Angelo on the 1st of June and then spent a few days with my mom and sister. We took a little side trip to Houston to go see my niece's graduation from high school. She made me feel welcome, like it was no big deal. Kids. Ain't they wonderful? Anyway, we left for the big trip on the 5th. We didn't do much, just drove to Roswell NM the first day. Roswell is not a couple of trailers and one restaurant like I thought I had seen on tv. It was a very pretty, fairly large city. And I think they don't care much about the alien reputation they have. We stayed at a nice place that had an indoor pool and I did some laps. This was the first time my mom and sister have seen me in a swim suit. We didn't sightsee there and the next day we drove to White Sands National Monument. Very interesting place. And very hot! What looks like sand isn't, it's gypsum, a much different material. It doesn't slip and slid when you go up a dune. My sister and I went for a 20 minute walk and that just about beat us. The air sucks the moisture out of you and you don't even realize it.
HOLD IT! STOP!!
I don't think I'll bore you with a travel monologue on the whole trip.....I started to, but that would be cruel. I had a great time on the trip and saw a lot of great places.
I have to say that the trip was very good for my mental health. I feel better now than I have in years and years. I'm now ready to move on with my life. The kids will come around someday, there's nothing I can do about how long it takes. I'm now ready to continue with my life and live life for ME, not someone else. I'm now ready to move to San Angelo and start my new business. I was afraid to do that before but not now.
About the surgery. The change in confidence it gives you is extraordinary. My profile used to be male. I did all the little tricks to hide it, cover it up, but people could still tell if they looked. Now they can't no matter how long they look because I have a female face - all the time.
About the other little operation I'm waiting for. I have a date for SRS with Dr. Sanguan next June. I originally asked for a date in April so you can see he's popular. He's also started asking for your letter but I got that so no problem. I asked Dr. Sanguan to put me on his cancellation list so that should cut some months off the wait.
One last thing before I go. I "graduated" from seeing a psychologist. I told you the trip was good for me! I now feel like a complete person that understands the difference between what I would LIKE to change and what I CAN change. Please read my letter to Dr. Edwards........................................
By the way..................
While I was on the road, Dr. Terry kept working on my SRS date with Dr. Sanguan. It's now official, my date is set for June 6, 2001. I've requested to be on the cancellation list and Dr. Sanguan has complied. In other words, it could happen at any time between now and next June. I must tell you, it's very hard waiting!
August 12
I started doing volunteer work for a philanthropic organization this week. I only work 3 hours a day, but it's three hours in a "normal" work environment and I'm just the new girl Theresa.
August 28th
I watched a special on tv called "What sex am I" and it was very good. It didn't pull any punches and told the world in a positive way what being transgendered is all about. One thing I wanted to mention is they showed Christeen Jorgenson in her later years. She looked great BTW. Anyway, she said something that struck home. A lot of people may ask why I did this. Does anyone question someone in a wheelchair why they want to get out of it? Is it surprising that that person will go to great lengths to walk again? Is that person brave or determined or both? Do they have a choice about trying to get out of the wheelchair once they learn being able to walk again is possible?
September 20th
Things are still going fine at work and I just fit in fine. I'll tell you what. It's a real trip to go to work as Theresa. I know first hand how much high heels hurt after only a few hours on the job. I know how aware you must be of your skirt when you sit, bend over, or pull up your pantyhose in the bathroom. And I love it!
I'm scheduled for a facelift and liposuction around the first of November here in Nashville. When I went in for the first office visit I didn't know what to expect and was a little nervous. And I should have been! I had to strip for the doctor (he wasn't in the room), put on a LITTLE pair of blue paper panties and have my picture taken in front a blue board. Oops, what to do with my dangle? Well, I tucked like you wouldn't believe and it worked, I fooled him. That is I fooled him until he put two (Dr. Ousterhout) and two (all the female hormones) together. It took him a little while though-after I left anyway. How do I know? He called a few days later asking for the surgery notes from Dr. O and I told him then about me. He said he figured it out finally with the clues I gave him but not until later. He was very nice, very interested and seemed to want to help.
My daughter called me a few weeks ago! We had a nice chat and she said she's over the hurt. I could call any time I wanted. I don't think I will because of her husband. Nobody has said anything but I don't think he approves at all. I'll still be moving to Texas but only after my facelift heals.
My voice seems to coming along very well. I never get called "sir" on the phone anymore, only "mam". It is simply amazing what you can do when you go to work and you HAVE to have a good voice. That and never, ever, slipping into my old voice. I started that when I started my car trip with my mom and sister. Never using the old voice works wonders!
October 23, 2000
I didn't realize it's been over a month since I upated my diary. Let's see, what's going on? The facelift is set for the 16th of November. I still don't have a date for the lipo but I'm waiting for an answer from Dr. Sanguan to an email I sent him last week. It's complicated, but I may not want to have it done here before the SRS.
I'll be as old as the hills soon...my birthday is coming up. (you can send money to PO Box xxxx c/o Theresa, Nashville, TN. Thank you. :-)
I've decided to go ahead and buy a home here in Nashville to help others like me. I was saving about ten grand for Dr. Sanguan but since I don't go until next June I might as well use it now. I'll have enough to cover everything by then so no problem.
Not much else new here. And I'm kind of glad of it.
November 2, 2000
I'll be another year older soon. Bummer. No word or cards from the kids. I think it will be a lonely birthday. On the bright side I have a very dear friend that is helping me get through this. To bad he's so darn far away!
The lipo is set for December 5th. I'm glad we finally have the date but not so glad of THIS date. I was supposed to have this done before the facelift, not after. I don't think I'll fly down to see my mom for Thanksgiving now...hmmmmm, looking at the calander maybe I will. I'll look kind of rough when I fly down on the 22nd but I should be ok I guess. I had better get my tickets hadn't I!
November 9, 2000
Just a little update on the surgeries. I get the lipo next week and the facelift on the 5th of December. I wish I had know this would happen because I'm going to see my mom the day after Thanksgiving. The doctor didn't want me traveling after the facelift so I couldn't go down for Thanksgiving. Left-overs here I come!
November 17, 2000
I had liposuction done yesterday on my upper and lower stomach and those "love handles" that a lot of us have. I went back to the doctor today and he took the girdle off for a few moments to see how things were going. Darn! No more love handles and my stomach is as flat as a teenagers. I have to wear the girdle for another 5 or 6 weeks but it will be worth it. Not much pain at all, just an allergic reaction to the antibiotic I was on so we fixed that today. Much better, I'm not itching all over and throwing up whatever I try to swallow.
December 5, 2000
Well, I was supposed to be having my facelift today but dummy old me took vitamin E and C while I was down in San Angelo and we had to reschedule for the 28th. What kills me is I made SURE I brought some with me. Now, just to make me feel better, the hospital didn't give me the sheet that would have told me not to take these vitamins. But after having FFS, I should have known better. I thought about it before I left, but decided since they didn't tell me NOT to, I'd take it........stupid, stupid, stupid.
So what else is new? Well, I have a little problem, but not much of one I suppose. I met a woman at the auto dealership while we were both having our cars worked on. We became friends and talk often. She's the one that brought me down to the hospital for my lipo BTW. Today she talked about introducing me to her brother. I guess I had better tell her that her brother and I have the same "equipment". I didn't want to, but I suppose I had better. I have to admit, it's kind of nice having a girlfriend that is gg and doesn't know about my past. And for those that think that "girlfriend" means sexual attraction - no, no, no. The thought of making love to a woman just doesn't cut it.
Now a little about the liposuction. The procedure was pretty minor compared to FFS but it still can have problems. I remember waking up in the middle of the operation and feeling the doctor pushing the rod up in my tummy. What caught my attention was how forceful he was and how little it hurt. I fell asleep again right away after that. Afterwards, it was uncomfortable but didn't really hurt. Not bad anyway. I can imagine it to be like having done too many situps and your muscles hurting or burning. Nothing you can't live with. When I got to take my first shower (after 3 days) my skin felt very funny in a hard to describe way. It didn't hurt all that much, but some. It just felt FUNNY. That feeling is still there but is a little less noticeable every day. I started taking showers every day after the seventh day.
I also had to wear some foam "donuts" at my sides to make sure the curves stayed there. I was told I could stop using them today - and they worked. :-) The girdle is not uncomfortable but I like to keep it washed often. I will have to wear it for another 2 weeks.
So far I've lost one inch at my waist and I may get more. The doctor said the swelling could last as long as two months. As far as my weight goes - hey, it was Thanksgiving! I ate like a pig but I still weigh two pounds less then before lipo. I'm not sure if I should have had more or not. The nurse said they took two liters of stuff out of me. I would think that was fat and the solution they injected to dissolve the fat. I'll see how it goes now that I'm away from my mom's cooking. :-)
