I sat there, head propped up on one elbow and watched the steam rise from my cup. I wondered if it was going to have the same over brewed charcoal and dishwater flavor as usual. I stared at it awhile, watching the swirling powdered cream disappear into the blackness as I stirred. As the last of it disappeared into the void, i summoned up my courage and put the cup to my lips. �Some things never change�, I thought. With a barely audible sigh, I turned to my window. It was like looking in on another world, someone else's world. It was a place where the sun was always shining and the birds always sang, not like my world at all. A cloud hung over my world. It had been there so long I had grown tired of even looking for the sun. Here things were different.
I found this ritual quite calming, and when things were troubling me. A cup of hot coffee, a chair, and an empty table by a window were all that was required. I always found comfort in my dishwater coffee and window. They are my key and my doorway to inner-space, my sanctuary, my place to rest. Perhaps, you could call it running away from life, but it let me be apart from the world for awhile. It took me to a place inside myself where I could be tormented no more.
The reason for this particular outing was no less than wondering how to live. How was a person supposed to know how to live and what to do anymore? I thought I knew once. My grandfather told me how things were supposed to be. I admired him and I regret that I never got the chance to tell him so before he passed on. Grandfather had come far in his life, not that he was ever rich. He had fought and struggled for everything he ever got, that's for sure. He managed to put my father through college and still kept a roof over my grandmother's head as well as the heads of my uncle and aunt. Grandfather was quite a man all right but never appreciated or acknowledged. I could use his help now, his kindness, his understanding. I miss him.
But that was then and this is now. Times have changed rapidly with the introduction of newer and allegedly better technology and the old ways are vanishing fast. Terms I have lived by, honor, loyalty, tradition, justice, responsibility and patriotism are thought of as archaic in today's world. Getting ahead by any means seems all that matters anymore. As to my personal life, I was very confused. I think deep down we all are confused to some degree. I guess I was having one of those �personal crisis's� that the generation X'ers seem to get every five minutes. You see even though extremely skilled, I am past my prime and no longer the choice to represent corporate America, nor am I the Adonis seen on all the TV ads selling cologne. I am a relic, a dinosaur from the days when �America� was something to be proud of, when a man's word meant something, and when there were still some things people would not do for a lousy buck. Now the world that once revered those attributes, now chooses to punish me for them. All that once made this country great has been lost in the race for power and big bucks.
I never claimed to be perfect and, I assure you, I have faults of my own. For one, gazing out of the big windows of the cafe into empty space may have not been the most productive thing I had done on this or any other day, but it gives me a chance to think. It was just me and my dishwater coffee, alone in a crowd of people. I could take time to examine things, I could stand back and look at things from a different perspective and with more clarity. I could get away from the world and it's troubles, even if it was only for a little while. You see, in daydream land there is no one there to talk to except yourself. Sometimes that is scary, you can't hide behind a mask, you can't even lie, except to yourself. If you open your mind and you heart though, you may just learn the truth. Be forewarned though, that truth is not always pleasant.
Indulging in self pity and staring vacantly into space has it's advantages, but you do tend to ignore your worldly surroundings. As a result I didn't even see him until he was at my table. Dressed as anonymously as you could imagine, he looked like a composite of every other man I had ever seen and it was impossible to guess his age. Before I could protest, he had pulled out the opposing chair and sat down at my table as if he owned the place.�You don't mind do you?, he asked with a smile, �you look like you could use some company anyway�. I must admit I was mildly annoyed at this intrusion, but seeing as there was no other place available, I grudgingly let him share my kingdom, my world, my table.
�Just don't expect conversation friend.� I told him and after that we sat in silence for a time. As the awkward minutes went by though I began to feel bad about my behavior and decided to apologize. Finally I turned away from the window and addressed him,�Look, I'm sorry for jumping at you a few minutes ago, I just have a lot on my mind right now�. With yet another smile he said he understood, he was looking for someone and not quite sure where to find them. I looked at his face in detail now and noted the slightest hint of anxiety. �Perhaps if we both tell our troubles, we may find a way to help each other, I don't know about you, but I take all the help I can get� he said. I agreed with a smile of my own, you see the �all the help I can get� is a line I use myself on occasion. Besides I thought it might be good to talk to someone other than the faint reflection in the glass for a change. He thought it best if I go first, being as it was my table and all. I agreed provided he felt he could stand the boredom.
