The Stuff Of Dreams - P.Y
I was just lazing around at home the other night, spread out on the couch by myself with my feet propped up on my brother's favourite cushion and savouring the private moment. I enjoy solitude like this. I could watch TV and scratch my crotch… not saying I would but I'm saying I could if I wanted to…
And I was checking out my latest novelty, a remote control, and flipping through all the channels… even RTM 1, TV3 and the other rubbish Malaysian stations some people didn't even know exist. And then a miraculous thing happened on RTM 1… they started screening a European hardcore porn flick which allowed me to see all the bits of an extremely attractive and talented actress who bore striking resemblance to Kate Beckingsale. Whatever happened to strict Muslim censorship laws? But I was too busy fiddling with the umm… remote to analyse in detail. And I could be fiddling other things too… not saying I would but I'm saying I could if I wanted to…
And then I switched to TV3 and found out it was airing some live Liverpool game that I didn't know about and they were playing Real Madrid in the European Cup final. It doesn't make sense because Liverpool was already dumped out of the Cup and was currently in some shoestring cup called Milo Cup or something competing against the likes of Portsmouth Youth under 12. But I was wrong apparently.
Two minutes into the match, Owen dribbled past half the clueless Real Madrid team, rounded the keeper twice and
GOOALLLL!!!!!!
Two minutes in and already 1 goal up in a cup final, surely it doesn't get any better than this. I was dragging on my seemingly unending cigarette and skulling on a can of Kilkenny that replenished itself automatically and enjoying the game tremendously.
The score became 3-0 in favour of Liverpool for some reason and then Real Madrid had its first chance of the night. Raul scupper a shot, and hit a ground ball meekly straight at Dudek. And Dudek did the most AMAZING thing. He actually bent down and PICKED up the ball calmly. He didn't let it roll through his legs or beat at it and gift it back to the striker but he caught it with his hands. I was still marvelling at his rare piece of athleticism and co-ordination when the doorbell rang.
There, standing in the doorway were my childhood crushes, the girls of Beverly Hills 90210. 'We were just wondering if we could watch the game with you? Naked…' Shannon said coyly. And did I jump at the chance! I ushered the girls in, Jenny, Shannon and all but I told Tori Spelling she could watch from outside. She pulled her face a little at this though you can't bastard tell!
So there I was, having a ball of a time, letting the girls do all kinds of unimaginable things to me as I sat watching the game. At what point do you get suspicious? Then I switched channels, (it was starting to get boring at 9-0) and found myself watching News Tonight.
The man of the moment Mahathir was making the most astute political observations in his career as far as my memory stretches. He confessed to the press that Malaysia has rubber trees and Singapore had been gracious in the strained bilateral talks so far. He didn't lie or taunt like a juvenile gangster but he made comments about Malaysia and Singapore that were actually truthful!
Then Hamid the foreign minister came out and said that he's been a twat and extended his full apologies to our foreign minister Jayakumar and that he had all along been confused with the meaning of the word 'status quo'.
'haha… my Engrish not so good lah.' He explained rather eloquently, I thought.
When told by a reporter that 'status quo' was Latin, he just went 'haha, don't try to trick me, I've check the dictionary… in prevet, it says status remaining the same.'
And I saw the RARE moment for what it was. Ok, the moment of classic Malaysian parliamentary comedy was common, but it was also an almost unseen of 'moment of truth' in Malaysian politics. No propaganda, or lies or backwording but plain candidness.
Then I thought to myself,
'Aye, something's not right in here…'
And I woke up from my dream. I was still in my couch. No beer, or fags, or the nubile ladies. Just Mahathir on TV3 slagging off our PM Goh, slagging off the size of our country, slagging off our defence force, slagging off the quality of our TV programs… though I had to admit, the last one did make some sense.
'Yeah right, haha… the Malaysian government advocating fair play. That's more incredulous than the red-faced baboon who manages Manchester United advocating the same thing.' I mused.
Then I switched to sports channel just in time to catch Liverpool lagging three goals at home against 8 men Dundee United.