| Did i finally break down and start writing a journal? entry 3: still i sit here wasting the time of my life... ah well life she is a blonde haired bitch. yes i know i'm so very pecemistic, but hey don't i deserve to be? i realized what my problem is and i think it's something that can't be fixed. i have no self esteam. i have absolutely no confidence in myself or my abilities, that is why i have no friends, i have not the courage to go out and earn them, and i think earn is the proper word because friends should be people that you are worthy to be acompany to. now i'm not trying to put down the friends i have when i say that, i did earn those friends for the most part, or at least got them through other friends so their friendship is retroactive... let me put it like this: i got my friends in lapsing moments of self confidance or through the aquaintance of my other friends. but in the recent days of my life i havn't been outgoing enough to go out and find those people who i could actually be friends with, also i know i love the friends i have and don't relly feel like i need more people to invite into the misary that is my life.... but i will say that almost all the friends i have have never really seen that misary, i leave that for the time that i alone with myself, as it should be. maybe it's because i don't want to be let down if ever i did open myself up and my friends couldn't handle the horrid interworings of my psyche, or maybe i'm protecting them from the wretchedness that i know i have inside me. either way i am very glad i have people in my life to help me get away from my only true enemy in life... my self. i am my own worst enemy because i'm the only one who tells my self i'm not good enough or that there's something wrong with me, even though deep down i think i might be telling myself the truth 5-28-02 |