CAST
(IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE)


NARRATOR................................................................................................................................................  SAM GOWDY

AL BOAR..................................................................................................................................................  RANDY BAYER

INJUN' JOE..............................................................................................................................................  ROGER FOLTZ

NORM L. CHADDE..........................................................................................................................  BRUCE WALLACE

GEORGE SINGLE-U...........................................................................................................................  JOSEPH HEBERT

SUPREME JUDGE..............................................................................................................................  RUSSELL WHITE

VIRGINIA CHADDE........................................................................................................................  TRACY JACKSON

WILD BILL.......................................................................................................................................  BILL EGGLESTON

HANGING CHADDE........................................................................................................................  CHRIS GILSTRAP

PREGNANT CHADDE................................................................................................................  DAVID MARTINEAU

SWINGING CHADDE............................................................................................................................  AARON POOL
	
DIMPLED CHADDE...............................................................................................................................  DAVID SMITH

PUNCHED CHADDE...............................................................................................................................  HARRIS REID
	
MONICA LOU.............................................................  A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY PAT WALLACE



NARRATOR:

IT�S THAT TIME ONCE AGAIN
TO WELCOME YOU IN
TO OUR CABIN UP IN THE HILLS

SO, COME IN, GRAB A BEER
WE ALL KNOW YOU�RE HERE
FOR THE FREE FOOD, FREE BOOZE, AND CHEAP THRILLS

WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT LAST YEAR
WE WOULD HAVE ENDED UP SO NEAR
THE MARK IN OUR POLITICAL DEBATES

IF YOU�LL REMEMBER THE STORY
GEORGE SINGLE-U AND AL BOAR, THEY
WERE OUR �HONORABLE?� CANDIDATES

AND AT THE END OF IT ALL
THEY ENDED UP IN A DRAW
THE WHOLE DEAL WOUND UP WITH �EM TIED

ALTHOUGH IN OUR LITTLE PLAY
THE ELECTION WAS CANCELLED THAT DAY
BECAUSE NEITHER CANDIDATE QUALIFIED

BUT THAT WAS CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE TRUTH
SO LET�S CATCH UP TO THE MOUNTAIN MEN IN THEIR BOOTH
I MEAN� THEIR CABIN, UP IN THE HILLS

WHERE AL BOAR�S GOT THE BLUES
BECAUSE HE�S JUST FOUND OUT THE NEWS
THAT HE HAS TO SWALLOW A BIG BITTER PILL

PROJECTED TO WIN EARLY ON,
HE�S JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE,
WITH GEORGE SINGLE-U TO OFFER HIS CONCESSION

JUST ONE VOTE HAS SEALED HIS FATE
AND HE TURNS TO HIS RUNNING MATE
INJUN� JOE, TO MAKE A CONFESSION:

AL BOAR:

ONLY ONE VOTE SEPARATES ME
FROM THAT SMIRKING SON OF A B�
A LAST DITCH EFFORT MUST BE MOUNTED 

HELP ME COME UP WITH A PLAN
TO COUNT THE BALLOTS AGAIN
SURELY A VOTE FOR ME SOMEWHERE WASN�T COUNTED

INJUN� JOE:

RELAX, KEMOSABE
BECAUSE NORM CHADDE HASN�T BEEN AT HIS JOB, HE
AND HIS FAMILY ARE ON A VACATION

AND THEY HAVEN�T MADE IT BACK
IT�S THEIR VOTES THAT YOU LACK
IF THEY VOTE FOR YOU, THEN YOU�LL LEAD THIS NATION

AL BOAR:

GREAT WORK, JOE
I�LL CALL GEORGE TO LET HIM KNOW�
	
INJUN� JOE:

BE POLITE WITHOUT GETTING TOO LIPPY

AL BOAR:

HELLO GEORGE? THIS IS AL
OUR CONCESSION WAS A LITTLE QUICK, PAL� (Pause)
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY DON�T HAVE TO GET SNIPPY!
(Slams phone down)
		
NARRATOR:

AL SENT A SEARCH PARTY OUT
WITH INJUN' JOE AS THE MAIN SCOUT
TO TRACK THE MISSING CHADDE FAMILY DOWN		
		
IT TOOK THIRTY-SIX DAYS, 200 MEN,                                                <-- a reference to the number of days between the November 7th election
14 KEGS OF BEER, A CASE OF GIN,                                                             and the certification of George W. on December 13th
A RYDER TRUCK, AND A WELL-TRAINED BLOODHOUND

BUT THEY WERE FINALLY LOCATED
DIRTY AND EMACIATED
AT THE CORNER OF KIRBY AND OLD SPANISH TRAIL

NORM L. CHADDE:

WE WOULD'VE MADE IT SOONER OF COURSE,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T LET ME PARK MY HORSE
ON ACCOUNT OF ALL THE CONSTRUCTION DETAIL
		
SAID WE HAD TO USE THE PARK-N-RIDE
IF WE WANTED TO COME INSIDE
EVEN THOUGH WE WERE TOO TIRED AND HUNGRY TO SPEAK

THE NEAREST OPEN LOT THEY COULD TELL US
WAS ABOUT THIRTY MILES SOUTH OF DALLAS
AND WE'VE BEEN ON A METRO BUS FOR 3 WEEKS!                       <-- a reference to horrible parking situation due to the
                                                                                                                                construction of "Reliant Stadium"
		
BUT WE LIVE HERE IN THE HILLS
AND WE HAVE A RIGHT TO VOTE, WE FEEL
AND WE THINK THAT OUR VOTES OUGHT TO COUNT


GEORGE SINGLE-U:

WAIT!  I CAN PROVE THEY'RE ALL LIARS
BECAUSE I TOOK A PAIR OF PLIERS			
AND REMOVED THIS FROM THEIR HORSE'S LICENSE MOUNT 
(Holds up Palm Beach Licence Plate)

AL BOAR:

NOW, GEORGE, PLEASE DON'T SHOUT
I THINK WE SHOULD HEAR THEM OUT
ARE YOU AFRAID YOU'LL LOSE YOUR ELECTION BID?

WHAT LESSON DO WE SEND OUT
IF WE DON'T LET EVERY VOTE COUNT?
IS THAT THE FUTURE YOU LEAVE FOR OUR KIDS?

GEORGE SINGLE-U:

WE'VE ALREADY COUNTED EVERY VOTE THAT WAS IN
WHEN THE DEADLINE CAME TO AN END
I SMELL A VICTORY YOU'RE TRYING TO FUDGE

YOU'RE CRYING THAT YOU'RE DOWN ON YOUR LUCK
WELL, FIND SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FLYING FISH
BUT I'M TAKING THIS TO THE SUPREME JUDGE

NARRATOR:

SO A HEARING WAS SET
AND THEY DECIDED TO LET
EACH MEMBER OF THE CHADDE FAMILY HAVE HIS SAY

SUPREME JUDGE:

LET THIS HEARING BEGIN
I KNOW YOU'VE ALL BEEN SWORN IN
SO LET US GET THIS MATTER UNDERWAY

EACH SIDE WILL PRESENT
AN OPENING STATEMENT
AND WE'LL CALL OUT EACH WITNESS IN TURN

MR. BOAR, WE'LL HEAR FROM YOU
AND THEN FROM GEORGE SINGLE-U
YOU EACH HAVE 1 MINUTE TO BURN

AL BOAR:

YOUR HONOR, THANK YOU
AND THANKS TO GEORGE SINGLE-U
MY WORTHY OPPONENT IN THIS HEARING

(George nods and then exits into the cabin)

AND THANKS TO MY FRIENDS
ALL YOU GOOD MOUNTAIN MEN
FOR THE USE OF YOUR CABIN IN THIS CLEARING

AND THANKS TO YOU JUDGES WHO SEE FIT
TO SUFFER THROUGH ALL THESE BAD SKITS
AND FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE THAT JUST CAME TO WATCH

AND A VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO�

SUPREME JUDGE:

SORRY, AL, BUT YOUR TIME IS THROUGH 	(Al sighs loudly)
WE'LL HEAR FROM GEORGE AFTER HE REFILLS HIS SCOTCH					
(George comes back out with a fresh Scotch on the rocks)

GEORGE SINGLE-U:

THANK YOU, YOUR HONORABLE
AL BOAR'S HOLDING US ALL HOSTILE 	(Al sighs loudly)
ONLY OUR INTELLIGENCE IS BEING DEBATED

SO MY SIDE WILL REST
BRING ON THE FIRST WITNESS
IN THE END, I'LL BE VENERATED. 		(Al sighs loudly)
			
SUPREME JUDGE:

VERY WELL.  LET'S BEGIN
MR. BOAR, CALL THE FIRST WITNESS IN	
(Wild Bill wanders in with the sax to watch the proceedings)

AL BOAR:

THANKS, YOUR HONOR, I'D BE GLAD
			
TO START THIS HERE GAME
PLEASE, SIR, STATE YOUR NAME

NORM L. CHADDE:

MY NAME IS NORM L. CHADDE

AL BOAR:

AND YOU SAY YOU WERE CHEATED?
THAT THE ELECTION NEEDS TO BE REPEATED?
AND GIVEN THE CHANCE YOU WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR ME?
 
NORM L. CHADDE:

WELL, I WOULDN�T GO ALL THAT WAY
I KEEP MY CORNERS SQUARED AWAY
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I�M CUT PRETTY CLEAN

NO NEED TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES
FRANKLY, YOU�RE WASTING YOUR TIME
I�VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE FROM ANY OF YOU

I HATE TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE
BUT MY CHOICE WAS ALREADY MADE
AND I WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR GEORGE SINGLE-U
(Al sighs loudly, rolls eyes)

GEORGE SINGLE-U:

HA! YOUR HONORABLE, TAKE NOTE
I NOW LEAD BY TWO VOTES
LET�S CALL IN THE NEXT FAMILY MEMBER

SUPREME JUDGE:

MA�AM, YOU�RE FORMALLY SWORN IN
FOR THE RECORD, STATE YOUR NAME AGAIN

VIRGINIA CHADDE:

I�M MRS. CHADDE, MY FIRST NAME�S VIRGINIA

AND MY BALLOT WAS UNTOUCHED
NOT EVEN SO MUCH
AS A STYLUS HAS MADE PENETRATION

AS PURE AS THE DAY I WAS BORN
BUT TO THE TRUTH I�VE BEEN SWORN
AND THE ONE I WANTED TO LEAD THIS NATION

WAS WILD BILL AGAIN
(flaunts herself at Wild Bill)
(Al sighs loudly)
(Wild Bill gives the "Thumbs Up")

I WAS GONNA WRITE HIS NAME IN
SO MY BALLOT CARD WOULD NEVER BE BROKEN

GEORGE SINGLE-U:

A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION FOR WHAT IT�S WORTH:
TO HOW MANY CHILDREN HAVE YOU GIVEN BIRTH?

WILD BILL:

HEY, LEAVE HER ALONE, THE LADY HAS SPOKEN!

SUPREME JUDGE:

ORDER IN THE COURT!
BRING OUT THE NEXT WITNESS TO REPORT
OR I'LL GIVE SOMEONE'S HEAD A GOOD BANGING
			
AL BOAR:

WELL, WE'LL BRING HIM ON IN
BUT HIS TESTIMONY WILL BE A BIT THIN
YOU SEE, THE ELDEST SON WAS A VICTIM OF A HANGING

(Several Mountain Men drag in Hanging Chadde)

HE WAS A GOOD EGG GONE BAD�

WILD BILL:

YEAH RIGHT... I�VE GOT YOUR HANGING CHAD
WITH TWO GOOD EGGS ON THE SIDE

AL BOAR:

JUST WHICH PARTY ARE YOU FOR?

SUPREME JUDGE:

I�LL HAVE ORDER IN MY COURT!
NOW, CARRY ON BEFORE I TAN SOMEONE�S HIDE

AL BOAR:

WITH A NOOSE AROUND HIS THROAT
HE'S IN NO SHAPE TO VOTE
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO ROB THE DENVER MINT

BUT AS WE CAN CLEARLY SEE
HE SURELY MEANT TO VOTE FOR ME
WE HAVE TO CONSIDER THIS VOTER'S INTENT

GEORGE SINGLE-U:

OBJECTION!						

SUPREME JUDGE:

SUSTAINED.

GEORGE SINGLE-U:

HAVE YOU ALL GONE INSANE?
WE CAN�T DETERMINE THE INTENT OF THE DEAD (Al sighs loudly)

LET�S GET ON WITH THIS SHOW
I�VE GOT PLACES TO GO
C�MON, LET�S PUT THIS CIRCUS TO BED
(Wild Bill gives the "Thumbs Up" to Virginia)

SUPREME JUDGE:

AL, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING
I�D LIKE TO MAKE IT BACK HOME BEFORE MORNING
SPEED IT UP OR WE�LL NEVER GET THROUGH

IF WE KEEP GOING ONE BY ONE
WE�LL NEVER GET DONE
GO AHEAD AND BRING OUT THE WHOLE CREW
(Al sighs, rolls eyes, and slumps shoulders)

(Al brings out the rest of the Chadde Family...
Pregnant, Swinging, Dimpled, and Punched)
			
AL BOAR:

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE
THIS ONE�S EXPECTING DELIVERY
OF NOT JUST ONE BABY, BUT TWINS

SO PREGNANT CHADDE SHOULD REPRESENT
THREE VOTES FOR PRESIDENT
THAT PUTS ME AHEAD BY ONE, SO I WIN!
(Al throws confetti, dances around)			
			
GEORGE SINGLE-U:

NOT SO FAST, THERE, YOU CAD
IT�S OBVIOUS THIS IS A MALE CHADDE
AND FROM WHAT MY DAD TOLD ME ABOUT BIRDS AND BEES

PREGNANT MEN JUST WON�T WORK
WE ALL KNOW BABIES COME FROM A STORK
SO THAT STILL PUTS ME AHEAD BY THREE
(George holds up 4 fingers)

AL BOAR:

WELL, LET�S GO ON DOWN THE LINE
THIS CHADDE KNOWS HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
HE�S A REAL SWINGER UP HERE IN THE HILLS

GEORGE SINGLE-U:

NOW, THIS SWINGING CHADDE
LOOKS LIKE MY TYPE OF LAD

WILD BILL:

YEAH, ME TOO!  LET�S SEE HOW HE FEELS

SUPREME JUDGE:

ORDER!  LET�S TAKE NOTE:
YOUNG MAN, HOW WOULD YOU VOTE
IF THIS ELECTION WERE ALL UP TO YOU?

SWINGING CHADDE:

WELL, I GUESS I WOULD DO
WHAT WILD BILL TOLD ME TO
I�D VOTE FOR MR. GEORGE SINGLE-U

SUPREME JUDGE:

WILD BILL SAID TO VOTE THAT WAY?

SWINGING CHADDE:

I THOUGHT I HEARD HIM SAY
THAT IF GEORGE�S BALLOT I�D PUSH

THAT THERE WOULD BE FOUND
PLENTY OF WOMEN TO GO AROUND
AT LEAST HE SAID WE�D HAVE FOUR MORE YEARS OF BUSH!

SUPREME JUDGE:

ORDER! I�VE MADE MY DECISION

AL BOAR:

BUT WAIT!  WE DIDN�T LISTEN
TO THE TESTIMONY OF DIMPLED OR PUNCHED CHADDE

SUPREME JUDGE:

GEORGE IS AHEAD BY THREE
WITH TWO VOTES LEFT, YOU SEE
SO YOU WOULD HAVE LOST, EVEN IF WE HAD
(turns to George Single-u)

SO, WITH THAT I CERTIFY YOU
PRESIDENT GEORGE SINGLE-U
AND NOW OUR HEARING IS ADJOURNED

(Wild Bill steps up to the front while everyone else files out)

WILD BILL:

WHEW, I�M GLAD THAT�S DONE
I THOUGHT WE�D NEVER MOVE ON
LET ME SUM UP THE LESSON WE�VE LEARNED

GOOD THINGS DON�T ALWAYS LAST
AND YOU�VE GOT TO TRY TO PUT THE PAST
BEHIND YOU AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE

GET A NEW START, A NEW HOME
WITH NEW FURNISHINGS THAT YOU DON�T OWN
GET SOME NEW FRIENDS, AND MAYBE A NEW WIFE

SO C�MON MONICA LOU
AND VIRGINIA, YOU CAN COME TOO!
AND PUT ON THAT BLUE DRESS OF SATIN

I�VE JUST PARDONED ALL MY FRIENDS
THIS IS WHERE THE FUN BEGINS
WE�RE MOVING THE CAPITAL TO MANHATTAN!

I THINK YOU GET MY POINT
(to Monica Lou) ARE YOU READY TO BLOW THIS JOINT?
I'M TIRED OF LIVING THIS FAR DOWN SOUTH

MONICA LOU:

I FEEL SORRY FOR THIS NATION
YOUR LAST ADMINISTRATION
LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH

WILD BILL:

SO AS MY FAREWELL SPEECH, I GIVE
YOU THIS CREED BY WHICH WE LIVE
OUR LIVES DAY TO DAY ON THIS MOUNTAIN

WHEN TOUGH TIMES BEGIN
YOU�LL FIND ALL US MOUNTAIN MEN
REMOUNTIN�, NOT RECOUNTIN�                                             <-- 2001 Team Slogan