Narrator:

AS I LOOK OUT AT THE CROWD

I HAVE TO WONDER OUT LOUD

WHAT KEEPS Y'ALL COMING BACK EVERY YEAR?





I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT IT

IS THE HIGH QUALITY OF THIS SKIT

BUT MORE THAN LIKELY IT'S JUST THE FREE BEER





WE ALL SURVIVED Y2K

CAME OUT OF OUR BUNKERS A-OK  ---> Was it just me, or did everyone bury a schoolbus?

AND FOUND OURSELVES IN THE YEAR ZERO-ZERO





A LEAP YEAR, TOO, SO THEY TELL

AND AN ELECTION YEAR, AS WELL

WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO CATCH UP WITH OUR HERO





YOU ALL REMEMBER WILD BILL AND MABEL  ---> Cameo appearances by Wild Bill Eggleston and Tracy Jackson

AND THEIR ADVENTURES AT THE STABLE

AND HOW BILL'S EYES AND HANDS LIKE TO ROAM





BUT TWO TERMS HAVE COME TO PASS

AND AT LONG AND AT LAST

BILL AND MABEL HAVE TO FIND A NEW HOME





"TERM LIMITATION" HAS SEALED THEIR FATE

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ELECTION DEBATE

AND TO MAKE THE PROCESS MORE ATTRACTIVE





AFTER YOU'VE HEARD EACH CANDIDATE

YOU'LL BE ASKED TO PARTICIPATE

WE'RE BECOMING MORE "USER INTERACTIVE"





SO LISTEN WELL AND THEN CAST YOUR VOTE

IT'S ALL HOOKED IN DIGITALLY BY REMOTE

NAH, JUST KIDDING, A SHOW OF HANDS WILL DO





SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I PRESENT

THE CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT

OF THE DEVIL'S RIVER MOUNTAIN MEN, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO





Mayor Brown Bear:  ---> Played by David Martineau

WAIT, WAIT� BEFORE YOU DO

I'M MAYOR BROWN BEAR, PLEASE LET ME THROUGH

I MUST INTERRUPT YOUR CONGREGATION





I'M SORRY, BUT I MUST CONFISCATE


ALL THE CONFEDERATE FLAGS AT THIS DEBATE

BY ORDER OF OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION  ---> A reference to the scandal over confederate flags at this year's cook-off
                                                                                           Mayor Brown Bear is an obvious reference to Houston's Mayor Lee Brown

                                                                                          Thanks to J.R. for the concept (I'm sure you wish to remain semi-anonymous!)





Narrator:

SO ANY OF YOU WAVE THE CONFEDERATE FLAG

PLEASE PUT IT IN MAYOR BROWN BEAR'S BAG

IT WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE OR TWO





NOW, AGAIN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I PRESENT

THE CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT

OF THE DEVIL'S RIVER MOUNTAIN MEN, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO





OUR INCUMBENT VP, AL BOAR

SIR, YOU NOW HAVE THE FLOOR

YOU NOW HAVE TWO MINUTES TO COMPLETE YOUR SPEECH





Al Boar: ---> Played by our own Randy Bayer (wearing a pig nose, no less)!

WELL, THANK YOU MY GOOD MAN,

BUT FIRST LET'S GIVE A HAND

TO WILD BILL, THE GUY THEY TRIED TO IMPEACH





WILD BILL SERVED US WELL

WHAT WITH "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL"

AND HEALTH CARE REFORM ON HIS PLATTER





AND ALL THE TROUBLE HE WENT THROUGH

SHARING HIS CIGAR WITH MONICA LOU  ---> A cameo by Leah Tilton

ALTHOUGH BACK THEN SHE WAS QUITE A BIT FATTER  ---> Good old Jenny Craig!





BUT THAT'S ALL SAID AND DONE

NOW I TELL YOU I'M THE ONE

THAT CAN RISE FORTH AND LEAD YOU MOUNTAIN MEN





WHY, I'VE SPENT THE LAST EIGHT YEARS

WATCHING OUR LEADER DODGE THE SMEAR

CAMPAIGNS, AND I THINK WE CAN DO IT AGAIN





WITH BIG ISSUES ABOUT HOW

TO SAVE THE SPOTTED-ASSED OWL

AND TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM DEFORESTATION





SO IF IT WERE ALL UP TO ME,

I'D ASK EACH ONE OF YOU TO HUG A TREE

AND TOGETHER, WE'LL BUILD A BETTER NATION





OH, YEAH, AND DON'T FORGET

I INVENTED THE INTERNET   ---> Yeah, right... and monkeys flew outta my.....

SO THAT THE WHOLE WORLD COULD GET CONNECTED





WHICH GAVE RISE TO CYBER-SEX CRIMES

BUT THE NEW VIRUSES AREN'T SO SCARY THIS TIME

IT'S ONLY YOUR HARD DISK THAT GETS INFECTED





Narrator:

TIMES UP, BUT IT'S BEEN WELL SPENT

NOW, I PRESENT THE NEXT PRESIDENT  ---> Author's Note:  This started out as a real typo, but I thought it worked

I MEAN, OUR NEXT CANDIDATE� FORGIVE ME� I GOT A LITTLE FUDDLED





SO MAY I PRESENT TO YOU

MR. GEORGE SINGLE-U   ---> Not "George Double-U"...get it?!?!?

SIR, YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES FOR YOUR REBUTTAL





George Single-U:  ----> Played by our own Joseph Hebert (wearing a suspicious white powder under his nose)

THANK YOU FOR A CHANCE TO REPLY

AND TO YOU MOUNTAIN MEN I SAY "HEAD HIGH"!

WHICH IS WHAT MY DADDY WOULD SAY WHEN I WAS DEJECTED





MY DADDY WAS A GREAT MAN

HELL, HE EVEN USED TO RUN THIS BAND

OF MISFITS, BEFORE WILD BILL WAS ERECTED� (PAUSE)  I, I MEANT TO SAY "ELECTED"





OR MAYBE ERECTED IS WHAT I MEAN

ANYBODY WHO KNEW THE SCENE

COULD TELL YOU OF WILD BILL'S TOMCATTING



OLD BILL MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT HE PARTIED

BUT I'M JUST GETTING THE PARTY STARTED  ---> References to unanswered questions about Bush's past substance abuse

I'M AN OLD FRAT BOY WHO NEVER QUIT FRATTING





I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OWL'S SPOTTED ASS

MY MOTTO IS "A SCOTCH IN EVERY GLASS!"

AND BEER FOAMING FROM EVERY PUBLIC FOUNTAIN



WE'LL ALL BE GOOD MOUNTAIN MEN,

MOUNTIN' WOMEN, MOUNTIN' GOATS, MOUNTIN' LIONS IN THEIR DEN

THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING ALIVE WE WON'T BE MOUNTIN'!

---> Director's Cut:  This stanza was origiinally:  And when the beer runs low

                                                                                    We'll all stick a straw in our nose

                                                                                    And snort all the snow off the mountain!
     
                                   It was deemed too politically controversial.





I WAS JUST IN NEW HAMPSHIRE IN THE COLD AND RAIN

AND THE PEOPLE BACK THERE ARE RAISING MC-CANE  ---> McCain beat Bush in the NH Primaries four days before the skit

BECAUSE I NEVER SERVED OUR COUNTRY IN A FOREIGN WAR





WELL, NEITHER DID OLD BILLY

AND AT LEAST I WON'T GO SHAKE MY WILLY

AT EVERY YOUNG PAINTED-UP�� WHUH�� HUH� HOUSEWIFE





THEY SAY "FOR SHAME, FOR SHAME"

BECAUSE I CAN'T RECALL THE NAME

OF SOME MOHICAN, NAVAJO, OR OTHER INDIAN  ---> A reference to Bush's inability in a taped interview to identify the leaders

                                                                                                          of Chechnya, Pakistan, India, and North Korea





BUT DO I REALLY NEED TO INSCRIBE

THE NAME OF THE CHIEF OF EVERY TRIBE

INTO MY FOREHEAD TO BE A GOOD LEADER IN YOUR OPINION





WELL, THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE TIME I HAD

OH, WAIT�. DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAD?

AND HOW HE CAME FROM SUCH UNCOMMON STOCK?





A PILLAR IN FIRE OR FLOOD

AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE IN MY BLOOD

READ MY LIPS: I'M A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK





Narrator:

THANK YOU, MR. SINGLE-U

BUT YOUR TIME HERE TODAY IS THROUGH

AND LET'S GIVE BOTH OUR CANDIDATES A HAND





MR. BORE AND MR. SINGLE-U

BOTH EXPRESS THEIR THANKS TO YOU

FOR GIVING THEM THEIR TIME ON THE STAND





NOW BEFORE YOU THROW A WRITE-IN ON THE TABLE

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING: WHAT ABOUT OL' MABEL

SHE COULD WIN THIS RACE, WHY ISN'T SHE IN IT?





WELL, SHE COULD, AND IT'S A PITY

BUT SHE'S MOVED TO NEW YORK CITY

WHERE SHE'S SEEKING ELECTION TO THE U.S. SENATE  --->  A reference to Hillary's ..... oh, never mind





BUT NOW THE TIME HAS COME TO DECIDE

WHO WILL YOU CHOOSE TO BE YOUR GUIDE?

WHO WILL LEAD YOU INTO THE NEXT CENTURY?





CHOOSE CAREFULLY AND CHOOSE WELL

PICK SOMEONE WHO WON'T KISS AND TELL

PICK SOMEONE WHO WON'T WIND UP IN THE PENITENTIARY





PICK SOMEONE THRIFTY WHO WON'T SPEND

EVERY TAX DOLLAR YOU SEND IN

AND KNOWLEDGE OF FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC AFFAIRS IS A MUST





PICK SOMEONE WHO ONCE IN A WHILE STILL CARES

ENOUGH TO THROW A QUARTER IN THE JAR FOR THE BEAR  ---> A reference to our first Team Slogans... see 1997 and 1998 skits

PICK SOMEONE WHOSE PELT-TRAPPING SKILLS YOU TRUST





PICK SOMEONE IN WHOM YOU SEE

COURAGE AND INTEGRITY

SOMEONE NOT BASED ON SPIN, DECEIT AND LIES





LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SORRY TO SAY

THE ELECTION HAS BEEN CANCELLED TODAY

SADLY, NO ONE IN THE RUNNING QUALIFIES





BUT, SINCE WE'RE ALL GATHERED HERE

EVERYBODY GRAB ANOTHER BEER

AND WE'LL REMEMBER THAT OLD MOUNTAIN TUNE





THAT INSPIRED WHITE BUFFALO TO WRITE:

"BUFFALO WOMEN WON'T YOU COME OUT TONIGHT

AND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON!"  --->2000 Team Slogan