WELL, IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN

WHAT A YEAR IT'S BEEN

AND YOU THOUGHT LAST YEAR IT COULDN'T GET WORSE





BUT IT DID, LO AND BEHOLD

AND, LEST THE STORY GROW OLD

WE'VE WRITTEN IT ALL DOWN HERE IN VERSE





UNLOAD YOUR MULE, COME INSIDE

POUR A STIFF WHISKEY, PICK OUT A HIDE  ---> 1999 Team Slogan

AND SETTLE YOURSELF BY THE FIRE





AND WE'LL CONTINUE OUR FABLE

ABOUT WILD BILL AND MABEL

CAUGHT UP IN A BURNING RING OF DESIRE





YOU'LL REMEMBER LAST YEAR'S CREW

BILL, MABEL, AND MONICA LOU  ---> Wild Bill played by Bruce Koger this year!

AND THEIR TALE OF SIN AND DECEIT





OF HOW BILL GOT BUSTED

AND THE GIRLS AFTER WHOM HE LUSTED

AND HOW NONE OF THEM KNEW THE WORD "DISCRETE"





BUT THE STORY'S DEEPER THAN THAT

AND I'LL BET MY HAT

THAT YOU'LL FIND OUT THAT, IN THE END,





THAT WHAT PUTS YOUR NECK IN THE NOOSE

AND REALLY COOKS YOUR GOOSE

IS TURNING YOUR BACK ON THE PEOPLE YOU CALL "FRIEND"





SO LET OUR TALE BEGIN

AND WE'LL PICK IT UP FROM WHEN

MONICA LOU FIRST ARRIVED AT THE STABLE  ---> Played by Miss Leah Tilton this year





BEING SO NEW IN TOWN

AND NOT HAVING BEEN OUT AND AROUND

IT SEEMS HER ONLY ACQUAINTANCE WAS MABEL  ---> Mabel played by Janette Lasse





SO MABEL TRIED TO SET THINGS STRAIGHT

AND GAVE MONICA LOU A NEW ROOMMATE

NOT KNOWING THE SEED SHE PLANTED WAS BITTER





BELINDA "THE LIPS" WAS HER NAME  ---> A weak attempt to convey the name "Linda Tripp"  ... Played by our own Russell White

(HER LIPS WERE HER ONLY CLAIM TO FAME)

SHE WASN'T THE CUTEST PUP IN THE LITTER





DOUBLE COYOTE UGLY, MOST SAID

Y'KNOW, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN HER BED

YOU CHEW YOUR ARM OFF AND SNEAK AWAY IF YOU CAN





THEN AS SOON AS YOU'RE CLEAR

YOU CHEW YOUR OTHER ARM OFF, FOR FEAR

SHE'LL COME LOOKING FOR A ONE-ARMED MAN





AND BELINDA NEEDED A FRIEND

UNTIL NOW HER FRIENDSHIPS WITH MEN

HAD PROMPTLY BEEN PAID OUT IN CASH  ---> She's an employee of The Stable, after all





SO SHE SHOWED MONICA LOU THE ROPES

BOUGHT HER SOME SWEET-SMELLING SOAPS

AND TAUGHT HER HOW TO NOT GET THE RASH





AND THEY BECAME PRETTY GOOD FRIENDS

UNTIL BELINDA GOT WIND

OF MONICA LOU AND BILL'S INDISCRETION





THE IDEA CAME TO HER BRAIN

THAT IT WOULD BE A GRAVY TRAIN

TO GET EVERY WORD OF MONICA LOU'S CONFESSION





SO SHE PLAYED IT UP RIGHT

AND AS THEY TURNED IN FOR THE NIGHT

SHE SAID SHE WAS SOMEONE TO TRUST





SO MONICA LOU TOLD THE WHOLE TALE

IN SUCH GRAPHIC DETAIL

IT WOULD'VE MADE A DRUNK SAILOR BE BLUSHED





AND BRIGHT AND EARLY THE NEXT MORNING

EVEN BEFORE THE SUN'S DAWNING

WHILE BACON STILL FRIED IN THE CRISCO





SHE WENT WITH A LAUGH

AND SENT AN URGENT TELEGRAPH

TO A WELL-KNOWN REPORTER IN SAN FRANCISCO





JUST A FEW DAYS WENT AROUND

UNTIL THE REPORTER SHOWED UP IN TOWN

WITH A HUNDRED OR MORE PEOPLE IN TOW





THEY SHOUTED TO MABEL

"HAS BILL RUN AMOK IN THE STABLE?

TELL US!  INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!"  --->  Ooh, the tabloid trashies!





MABEL CAME OUT TO MEET THE PRESS

SAID "ABSOLUTELY NOT!  THAT STAIN IN HER DRESS  ---> Do I have to say it?

WAS BARBECUE SAUCE SHE SPILLED AT DINNER!"





THE REPORTERS WERE ASKING AGAIN

WHEN BILL HIMSELF EMERGED WITH A GRIN

AND SAID "I ASSURE YOU THAT I AM NO SINNER"





BILL JUST GLARED AT THE MAN

WITH THE PEN IN HIS HAND (ALL LADIES WHOOP AND HOLLER)(I SAID "PEN")

AND IN THE AIR GAVE HIS FINGER A WHIRL





SAID "DON'T LISTEN TO BELINDA'S QUIPS

GO AHEAD, READ MY LIPS:

I DID NOT HAVE IMPROPER RELATIONS WITH THAT GIRL!"





WELL, THE CROWD BEGAN TO DISPERSE

AND BILL AND MABEL WERE NONE THE WORSE

FOR WEAR, AND HAD MADE IT OVER THE BUBBLE





WHEN THE BEAR AND SEVERAL MEN

OF BILL'S BAND CAME RUSHING IN

AND SAID "SORRY, BUT WE MAY HAVE MORE TROUBLE!"





THE SHERIFF'S IN TOWN

AND HE'S BRINGING A POSSE AROUND (WILD BILL WHOOPS AND HOLLERS)( I SAID "POSSE")

LEAST WE THINK HE'S THE SHERIFF, HE'S WEARING A STAR





IT WAS RIGHT ABOUT THEN

THAT THE SHERIFF CAME RIDING IN

BILL SMILED AND SAID "DISMISSED BOYS.  SHERIFF, CIGAR?"  ---> Again, we won't go there





THE SHERIFF REACHED FOR IT AND THEN

DREW HIS HAND BACK AGAIN

AND SAID "BUBBA, I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE"





BILL SAID "JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

TO ME YOU'RE JUST SOME MAN WITH A STAR."

"THAT'S MR. STAR TO YOU!" THE SHERIFF SAID WITH A SNEER  ---> Mr. KENNETH STARR, get it?!?!?!?





STANDING IN THE SHADOW OF THE STEEPLE

HE SAID "I REPRESENT THE PEOPLE

AND I'M EMPOWERED TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT





I'LL SUBPOENA YOU, AND MABEL

ALL THE GIRLS AT THE STABLE,

AND THE INDIAN YOU KILLED IN THE FIGHT  ---> See 1997's skit





AND THE BEAR, AND YOUR WHOLE BAND

I'LL PUT THEM ALL ON THE STAND

AND THEY'LL TALK TILL THE TALKING IS THROUGH!"





WHEN IT WAS ALL SAID AND DONE

HE'D LISTENED TO EVERY ONE

SPILL THEIR GUTS TILL THEIR FACES WERE BLUE





AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE CROWD IN THE STREET

WHEN THE PAPERS WERE DELIVERED THE NEXT WEEK

AND THE SHERIFF'S REPORT FILLED THE FRONT PAGE





IT MADE OLD LADIES FAINT

AND THE BUILDINGS PEEL PAINT

AND THREE YOUNG BOYS HAD TO BE PUT IN A CAGE





AND WHEN THE ALLEGATIONS THEY READ

BILL'S MEN CAME TO HIM AND SAID

"WE BELIEVE THIS NEEDS FURTHER INVESTIGATION"





"IMPEACHMENT FOR HIGH CRIMES!

YOU'VE CROSSED THE LIMIT THIS TIME

THIS IS NO WAY FOR YOU TO LEAD OUR NATION"





WHILE THEY MET TO DECIDE

BILL CALLED THE BEAR ASIDE

AND TOLD HIM "WE NEED A DIVERSION"





"ATTACK THE INDIAN CAMPS FOR A WHILE  ---> A reference to Clinton's decision to bomb Serbia on the day his trial started

THAT'LL GET THEIR MINDS OFF THIS TRIAL

I'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING FOR AN 'OFFICAL' VERSION"





THE BEAR STIRRED UP A FUSS

AND THE SHERIFF SCREAMED AND CUSSED

AND THE ANGER MADE HIS NOSTRILS FLAIR





"WILD BILL, YOU S.O.B.

YOU COULDN'T JUST LET IT BE

YOU HAD TO GO AND "WAG THE BEAR"   ---> See the movie "Wag the Dog"





"YOU SENT THE BEAR ON HIS WAY

TO HARASS THOSE POOR INDIANS THAT DAY

TO MAKE YOU OUT TO BE THE HERO AGAIN"





BILL SAID "IT'S NOT TRUE!"

"AND THIS I TELL YOU:

IT DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION OF THE WORD 'INDIAN'  ---> See Clinton's deposition





MY BEAR'S A KIND AND GENTLE SOUL

NEVER EVEN BEEN TO INDIA THAT I KNOW

HE'S ALWAYS LIVED HERE WITH US MOUNTAIN MEN





WHAT I TOLD THE BEAR

WAS TO GIVE A LITTLE SCARE

TO THE VILLAGE OF "NATIVE AMERICANS!"





NOW, REMEMBER THE MOUNTAIN MEN WERE CONVENED

TO SEE IF THEY SHOULD DEPOSE THEIR KING

AND THEY SENT THE BEAR AND OTHER REPRESENTATIVES





THEY SAID "WE ARE HERE TO INFORM YOU

THAT WE NEED TO RECALL MONICA LOU  ---> She was recalled for no apparent reason in real life

HER ORIGINAL TESTIMONY WASN'T DEFINITIVE





EVERY LAST MOUNTAIN MAN

WANTS HER TO RE-TAKE THE STAND

AND GIVE HER EXPLICIT ACCOUNT ONCE AGAIN





FACE IT, SHE'S YOUNG AND SHE'S FLIRTY

AND DOES SHE KNOW HOW TO TALK DIRTY�

AND WE'RE REALLY JUST A BUNCH OF HORNY OLD MEN!"





THE ANSWER TO THIS RIDDLE

WAS SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE

FIFTY PERCENT SAID "TURN HIM OUT IN THE SNOW!"





THE OTHER FIFTY PERCENT

THE ONES WHO WANTED TO ACQUIT

HAD THEIR HEADS WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHOW





THE LESSON TO LEARN

ON HOW NOT TO GET BURNED

IS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE AND QUICK





UNLOAD YOUR MULE, COME INSIDE

POUR A STIFF WHISKEY, PICK OUT A HIDE     --> 1999 Team Slogan

BUT BE CAREFUL OF JUST WHOSE HIDE YOU PICK!