Hush a bye, don’t you cry, go to sleepy little baby.
When you wake, you shall have, all the pretty little horses…

All the Pretty Little Horses

 

Chapter 3. Stephanie Kay

 

 

Kayla stood just within JJ’s old nursery room and looked around at the wallpaper border that still lined the top section of the walls. Steve had been using the room as part office, part storage room for his things. He had gotten a desk set and small file cabinet, while a few boxes containing odds and ends stood off in one corner, piled one on top of the other. Most of JJ’s baby furniture had been put in storage with the others, but Jennifer’s rocking chair and a small set of drawers were left behind.

 

It was hard to go in there and not think that she could have started redecorating it as a nursery for her baby by now.  Shaking her head, Kayla still felt the pain of her miscarriage. It ate away at her, during moments like this. Walking in the room, she went up to the set of drawers and ran her fingers against the top. Decorated with a picture of small bears, it had been purchased especially to hold JJ’s baby clothes. If things had been different, Kayla would now be filling it again.

 

Glancing at the small reminders of what the room had been before, she noticed the age lines along the closet door. One was distinctly marked for an eight month old, and next to it, were several small lines, haphazardly drawn. Various jagged loops and circles, clashed with deep, harsh lines as JJ undoubtedly had been left unattended with an open box of crayons. Smiling down at the marking that disfigured the walls, Kayla remembered finding similar marks in Stephanie’s room.

 

Try as she might, she never found it in her heart to get angry when she saw them. They were easy to fix, but in the end, she just left them as they were. It was a personal reminder of Stephanie’s childhood that she never wanted to lose. Jennifer must have thought the same thing, or she may have been just too busy to paint over the wall. It was probably her imagination, but she could still smell the slight baby scent. It was so distinct a smell and as she inhaled deeper, the pain grew again inside her. It came to her a big jolt and she fell into the rocking chair.

 

Trying not to believe, she couldn’t forget the small boy who came to her and fitted so easily into her life. No one else had seen him but her. He must have been a figment of her imagination, but a part of her just wanted him to be real. Placing the note he left inside the music box Steve gave her for Christmas, it was her only proof. But even then, who would believe? It had been almost a week since it happened. Steve has just a little over a week left at the academy before coming home. Home? She suddenly remembered what Marc had told her. “My daddy will be coming home soon… in a week.” If that was what he said would happen, than Steve would be coming home in two days?

 

Kayla got up and went over to the desk. She had reached for the phone and had intended to call Steve to ask exactly when he was returning, but she stopped herself and placed the phone back down. Thinking more clearly, she wondered what Marc had meant. Was the boy trying to tell her something? Placing her hand against her forehead, she slumped back into the chair. She just didn’t know what to believe these days.

 

With the moisture building in her eyes, she blinked hard at them and tried to recall the boy she befriended. She had held his hand in hers. She had ruffled the curls on his head. She had sat beside him as he excitedly tore at the wrapping paper and opened the present his father had left for him. How could he not have been real? Just then, she felt that prickling on her skin. Glancing around her, she seemed to sense him. The feeling lasted only for a few seconds, then realizing her foolishness, she laughed at herself as she shook her head. Kayla leaned back in Steve’s chair and closed her eyes a moment. Taking a deep breath, she inhaled, but this time it was Steve’s scent she smelled. This room was more his now than JJ’s. Placing her hands on the armrest, she started to feel more calm, more relaxed. Even though Steve was far away from her, just being surrounded by his things brought her comfort.

 

As she opened her eyes again, she watched as the sun’s ray darted across the room in front of her, and the particles of dust floated, caught in the beams. The quietness of the room was deafening just then, that she wished for some noise to break its hold.  Slowly she placed her hands across her abdomen and pressed slightly down. There was no pain, only the slight pressure she gave onto herself. Lifting her hands away, she sat back up and gave out a loud sigh. It was no use, she thought. Her mind kept wandering back to what could have been.

 

She didn’t know about the baby until he was taken from her. Smiling slightly, she remarked how she referred to the baby as a he. Already accepting that as fact, she nonetheless felt how much she wanted the child. She admitted it. She wanted to have another baby.

 

“Mom?”

 

Startled out of her revere, she turned to find Stephanie at the open doorway. “Baby? I didn’t hear you.”

 

“Sorry I scared you.”

 

“You didn’t really. Just day dreaming a little.”

 

“Are you okay? You’ve been up here a while.”

 

Smiling up at her daughter, Kayla stands and pushes the chair back in place. “Keeping tabs on me, baby?”

 

“Not exactly. I just saw you come in here… and well… I didn’t hear anything, so I came up to see if you were okay.”

 

Looking around the room again, Kayla pointed at the borders along the walls. “Just thinking about whether we should take that down.”

 

“Did dad say anything about them.”

 

“No. But I thought… maybe it’s time we take them down and repaint the room?”

 

“Sure. I suppose?” Stephanie walked in and came up against the chest of drawers. “What about these? Do you want to put these in storage too?”

 

“We probably should.” She paused a moment before continuing. “We don’t actually need it, do we?”

 

Stephanie found it hard to look at her mother. She had cried not too many days ago when Kayla told her about the miscarriage. Being an only child, she thought she had the hold on being her parent’s one and only baby. But the miscarriage changed all that. Just the thought of a younger brother or sister sounded so wonderful. It appealed to her being an older sibling. She could almost envision a crib placed back in the room, and dozens of toys scattered everywhere, while a fair-haired addition lay sleeping.

 

As sad as she was about not achieving her position to be the eldest, she knew it was twice as painful for her parents. Her dad had already missed out on her childhood and now he lost out on another opportunity before it could even take hold. As for Kayla, she already went through so much.

 

“I’m sorry mom.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“About the baby.”

 

Kayla sighed and gave her daughter a sad smile. “Just wasn’t meant to be.” She thought about Marc, his adorable face. “I could almost see what he would have looked like. I think he would have taken after your father.”

 

“He? Did you know the baby was a boy?”

 

Realizing her mistake, Kayla quickly corrected herself. “No, I just imagined he would have been a boy.” Pressing her lips together in a forced smile, she placed an arm around Stephanie’s shoulders as they walked out the room. “ I was just thinking we could have named him Marcus… after your dad’s best friend. I think Steve would have liked that.” Looking over her shoulder, she took one quick glance back at the room before closing the door.

 

As they headed back down stairs, Stephanie mentioning the email Steve just sent to them. Going over to her computer, she brought it up on the screen. “Dad sent an email just now. Looks like he’ll be coming home early.”

 

Reading the message, Kayla suddenly felt a coldness rush through her body.

 

 

Sweetness,

 

Got all my tests results back and passed! I’ll be home in two days. It’s been hell without you near me.

 

Love you.

Steve

 

P.S. Stephanie, if you’re reading this, and I know you are Baby, make plans to stay at your grandparents, okay? Just for a night or two.

 

 

Snorting beside her, Stephanie burst into a huge smile as she turned to face her mother. Sometimes her papa was just so open about his intention. It should have been shocking, but she really loved how romantic he was towards her mom.

 

“I’d rather stay with Aunt Hope and Uncle Bo. Think they’d mind if I invited myself over.”

 

Lightly caressed her daughter face, Kayla shook her head. She looked back at Steve’s message and sat down to write her reply.

 

“I’d better call them now in case they’ve got other plans.” Stephanie told her as she took the phone and started dialing

 

Staring at the screen in front of her, she started typing her reply, then stopped and erased what she wrote before trying again and repeating her actions. Steve, I love you and I missed you so much. I can’t wait until you get home. And you’re coming home early… a week early… early… just like Marc said you were… just as he said…just as he said…

 

“Uncle Bo just started laughing. He said I could stay a week if I wanted.” Kayla had her hands poised on the keyboard as the curser kept blinking over the empty page. “Mom? Are you finished? I need to check the schedules for the Cologne time trials.”

 

“Oh sure, baby! Just give me another minute.” Looking back at the screen, Kayla quickly types her reply.

 

 

Steve,

I love you! I’ve missed you. I’m waiting. Hurry back!

 

I love you! (In case you missed it earlier)

Kayla

 

 

Short, sweet and straight to the point, she sends it off and then closes her email account as Stephanie downloads the latest news on the Cologne races in February. With Stephanie's back to her, Kayla walks close to the staircase, but stops just before the first step and looks up. She thinks about the note in her music box and at what Marc had written to her. He promised we would all be together again someday. She didn't want to hope for anything. She didn't want to start believing but it had already taken seed inside her. It was a secret wish, a hoped for happy ending that she longed to have, even if it seemed so impossible.

 

"Oh my God! I got in!" Stephanie yelled out suddenly. "Mom, I got in!"

 

Kayla rushed back to her side as Stephanie pointed excitedly to the list on the screen. "Honey calm down." She put her arms on Stephanie's shoulder as she tried reading the names of drivers who passed the time trials. "What are we talking about here?"

 

"It the list for the rookie drivers. There are only eight spots open. I didn't think I would make it cause I came in ninth. But someone dropped out, so I moved up." She turned excitedly in her seat and grabbed hold of Kayla's hands. "Do you know what this means? I'm racing in Cologne next month. I've finally got a foot in the European circuit."

 

"You're going to Germany next month?"

 

"Yes!" Her eyes started sparkling as she excitedly told Kayla about the two races held in Cologne each winter. "There's one race that suppose to take place around February second or third. I didn't qualify for that one, but I did for the second race at the end of the month."

 

Kayla sat down stunned at the chair and watched as Stephanie looked through the other qualifiers. She didn't want to burst her daughter bubble, but she wasn't sure how Steve was going to take all of this. He had already felt uneasy when she was in Milan. Now it was Cologne, and after that? She watched her daughter as Stephanie was sizing up her competition. Making small comments about racers she was familiar with, Kayla wasn't all that certain she wanted her racing so far away from home either.

 

When Stephanie turned to look at her, she was greeted by the worried look again and it brought forth the frown in response. "Mom, don't look at me that way. You know I've waited for something like this to happen. It's been my dream to race in Europe."

 

Putting her hands up in the air, Kayla tried to reason herself out. "I know that! Yes, I know how much you've wanted this... but it's coming all so... quickly. And your father, he wants to see your next race. But he won't be able to go to Cologne next month."

 

"Mom! I can't, not go just because my parents won't be able to watch me"

 

"Look, maybe we'll wait for your father to get back, then we can talk about this... "

 

"Talk? Talk about what? This is my job, Mom! It's a chance of a lifetime to be able to race abroad. I'm not going to throw it away cause dad can't go to Germany next month."

 

"Alright! I know you've wanted this... since forever. I've known for years that this could happen, but your dad, he's not used to you being away." Sighing at her, Stephanie shakes her head back at Kayla. "Baby, if you could have just seen him when you were in Italy? He really missed you."

 

"And I missed him too! But he's got to realize this is my life!"

 

"Realizing and accepting are two different things." Kayla had this type of discussion with Stephanie before, but this time, she was taking on Steve's worries on top of her own. "You know he's still trying to get use to having a grown up daughter, and one who’s a race car driver on top of all that... I know you'll race in Germany. I know that. But... I'm just saying it's going to be really hard on your dad when you do leave again."

 

Closing her eyes a moment, she scrunches up her face, as though in pain. But when she opens them again, Stephanie leans slightly forward and focuses her attention directly at her mother.

 

"Mom, I know... all this has come at a really bad time. Believe me, with your... miscarriage, the last thing dad needs is another reason is to...to be hurt, but I really believe he won't be. Not in this case."

 

Looking around, Stephanie bursts out in smiles and waves her hand in the air, trying so hard to emphasize the good news that Kayla has overlooked. "Getting in the European circuit is good... no, not good... it’s great news and I am literally walking on air with this. Dad's got to see that! Something that makes me this happy... it's has got to be a good thing. It's something worth going for and pursuing."

 

"I don't doubt he'll be happy for you, but I won't lie when I say, he's not going to be happy you're going away again."

 

"Okay! What about this? Ben said he'll come to Cologne to watch me race again. With him around, dad won't have to worry that I'll be alone."

 

"Benjy told you that?"

 

"Yes mom, he did." Leaning back again in her chair, her eyes soften a little as she talks about him. "We've become really good friends. I know it's fast, but we seem to just click."

 

Raising her eyebrows slightly at this revelation, Kayla looks a little wary at Stephanie. "I didn't know you were that close." Her daughter leans her head to one side, as she understands the cautious glance her mother gives her. "You must have spent a lot of time together in Milan then."

 

"No mom, it's nothing like that."

 

"Like what?"

 

"Like what you're thinking right now. When I said friend, I meant it. Ben and I are good friends."

 

"Oh! I just thought..."

 

"I know what you thought." Placing her arms across the back of the chair, Stephanie thinks about Ben and how much she come to really like the type of person he is. "He's different from other guys I've known. Most guys I know through racing, so there was always a competitive edge there. But with Ben, we just talk about everything else but. It's like taking a breather when I'm with him. I never thought I'd want to talk about anything else but racing, but... I with Ben, I really look forward to it." Looking down a moment, she remembers what Steve told her about almost adopting Benjy. "Dad had mentioned that if things has turned out differently, Ben and I would be brother and sister. When I think about it... it sometimes feels weird."

 

"It came pretty close to happening" Kayla added.

 

"Yeah! He mentioned it to me too. I don't know, maybe that's why I feel close to him, like there's already a connection there between us."

 

Hesitating a little, Kayla searches for more on Stephanie's feelings. With Max, the news came as a surprise. This time, she didn't want to be caught unawares.

 

"Benjy's a good looking guy. A lot of women must find him attractive. What about you? You find him attractive, don't you?"

 

Not answering right away, Stephanie reflects on the question a moment. Benjy was handsome in his own unassuming way. He didn't have the look she had favored in the past, but recently, she found herself likely his type more and more.

 

"Stephanie?"

 

"I suppose I do... think he's attractive. Funny! I wouldn't have considered him my type before, but now that we're friends, I kinda like having a good looking guy hanging around me."

 

Watching her daughter, Kayla fear grew a notch higher. It wasn't centered anymore around Stephanie's safety. This time, she was thinking how Steve would react to his grown up daughter's taste in men.

 

"Mom, don't look so worried. Once dad hears that Ben will keep me company in Cologne, he'll be okay with my racing there. Just wait and see. It'll be okay. I just feel it."

 

"Oh! I just feel it too!" Kayla answered her back. But, Kayla thought to herself, I’m just worried about how Steve’s going to feel about this.

 

 

**********

 

 

 

Running his fingers along her arm Kayla felt ticklish as Steve followed with a few kisses. Cuddling up in bed for the last few hours, the worries and pain of recent events seem so distant. Steve saw the look in Kayla’s eyes when he returned home. Later, while staring at himself in the mirror, he knew it was also present in his. It was a hurt he didn’t want to accept just then. There had been to many loses for him to bear and this new one would just cut too deep.

 

Kayla had mentioned the small child she befriended while he was away. Describing how much Marc could have looked like him as a child, Steve tried to listen, but his mind wouldn’t stay focused. He didn’t want this boy to look like him; he wanted his own son to look like him. Kayla had looked unhappy and disappointed by his reaction and he took that to mean she was still upset by the miscarriage. The guilt for not being there for Kayla when it happened was as strong as before. He had watched her earlier as she slept, gently tracing the line of her jaw with his fingers. She was the best thing that ever happened to him. So many times he tried to keep her from being hurt and she suffered a lot because of him.

 

While Kayla focused her attention on Marc, Steve thoughts centered around the strange feelings that came to him during his simulated tests. It wasn’t him that ran through the courses but a different man. A man who seemed to be trained to hunt, to attack, and to kill. He surprised everyone with the extreme precision of his movements and actions. A fellow officer had commented on his James Bond training afterwards, asking where he could sign up. Steve tried to laugh it off himself, but the longer he held the gun in his hand, the more natural it felt to him and that scared him. While the feelings grew stronger while he was at the academy, back home, they had subsided. Yet in his dreams, they visited, giving him a glimpse of what was still hidden in the dark. Kayla turned within his arms and found him staring off into space. He had a haunted look in his eye and it worried her. She thought perhaps he had overexerted himself at the tests, but Steve reassured her he was perfectly healthy. She had always been amazed at his rejuvenating powers, but he wasn’t a young man anymore. Mentioning a checkup at the hospital, he scoffed at the idea, but winked at her saying she could always give him a complete physical if she wanted.

 

“No, that’s not a good idea.” She told him.

 

“Why not, Sweetness? If you’re so worried about my body and health, I think you should do it.” He started nuzzling at her neck as his arms reach for her again. “I always loved it when you took care of my injuries.”

 

Laughing at the clear intention gleaming in his eye, she punched at his arm and Steve burst out laughing. “That’s why! You’d enjoy it too much”

 

“Now you gave me a bruise!” Giving her another wink followed by a wicked grin, he leaned back against the pillows. “You’ll just have to kiss it and make it all better.”

 

Grinning back at him, she lays her head on his chest and made lazy circles with her fingers along his tattoo. They had talked about Stephanie’s planned race to Cologne, and Kayla was correct in sensing how Steve would react. It was hard enough that Stephanie would leave for Daytona the day after tomorrow, but having her go across the pond again was different. Even with Benjy hanging around as her personal guard didn’t make the separation any easier.

 

“Bo’s bring her back home late tomorrow afternoon.”

 

“She’s at Hope and Bo’s place? Why didn’t she stay with your folks?”

 

“I guess Bo spoils her more.” Pushing herself up on her elbows, she looks up at Steve who has been looking far off into space again. “Steve? You can talk with her tomorrow tonight. Tell her how you feel.”

 

“How I feel? I feel… bad I’m not spending a lot of time with her. But I think I’d feel worse if I break her dreams.”

 

“She knows this is a bad time for this race to happen.”

 

“It’s not the timing, Baby. Stephanie’s not a child anymore. She’s got a right to live out her life. I just wish… I wish… the last sixteen years had turned out differently.” Playing with the curls around her neck, Steve looks softly into Kayla’s eyes. “I can’t make either of you relive the years we spent apart… no matter how much I want them.”

 

“Stephanie said you would understand. I told her you’d have a hard time with it.”

 

“That right!”

 

“Who’s right?”

 

“Both of you. I do understand and… I hate it at the same time.”

 

Laying her head back against his chest, Kayla give me a gentle squeeze. “So I guess it’ll be just you and me most of the time from now on.”

 

“You’ll get no complaints from me, Sweetness.”

 

“I’ll be like when we were first married… just the two of us.”

 

Just the two of us. How long ago it was when it was just the two of them. The sadness crept slowly across Steve and he tried to banish the long ago memories, but they came to him, daring him to look. Rubbing his chin across Kayla's head, he pulled his wife closer to him and inhaled deeply.

 

"You sure you won't get bored just having me around for company, Sweetness?"

 

"No." Kayla said softly as she placed a gentle kiss on his shoulder. "I think I can make do... having you all to myself."

 

He lowered his gaze to her as the tone in his voice dropped several notes. "You got something in mind, Mrs. Johnson?"

 

Kayla wet her lips and let the smile seep from her as she edged herself up and whispered her answer in his ear. Raising his eye at her in momentary surprise, he slowly lowered his eyelid until it almost closed. "Okay, Baby. That's doable." He told her before he covered them both with the bed sheets.

 

Kayla had gone downstairs to make them a late lunch. It was already past one thirty and she was pretty hungry. Normally, she would have taken an afternoon nap along with Steve, but she didn't feel tired at all. Leaving him to get a little more rest, she went to the kitchen and started cooking. With Stephanie still away until tomorrow, they had another day all to themselves and could afford to stay in bed if they wanted. Steve seemed tired when he came home that morning. He left at daybreak and drove nonstop for two hours. Kayla sensed there was something else, but he brushed away at any questions she had.

 

Upstairs in their bedroom, the afternoon sun shone brightly across the bed as Steve tossed from one side to the other. A harsh look of anger formed his features as the dreams propelled him further in their grasp. He felt his heart pumping fast and hard as he was being pushed beyond his endurance. He was tired, all his muscles ached, but they kept at him. When they handed him the gun again, he didn't want to take it, but it now felt natural in his hand. He lifted it before him and started shooting. He didn't miss.

 

When he opened his eye, it was to find the sun shining brightly at him. He sat up in bed; sweat boring down his face as he looked around him. Kayla wasn't beside him. Rubbing his hand over his face, he could feel his heart beating in his chest as he slowly got up and entered the bathroom. Splashing cold water over his face, he stares into the mirror, looking back at the man he saw in his dream. It was me, he thought to himself. But where the heck was I. Reaching for a towel, he wipes his face dry and looks back again at the mirror.

 

"That wasn't in Cincinnati." He says aloud. "And it wasn't in Salem either. Damn it, Portia? What did you do to me?"

 

 

**********

 

 

 

The last thing Stephanie expected was seeing her mom looking so anxious when she opened the front door. She had only been gone a week and Kayla looked like a different person. Lifting her luggage through the door, Stephanie dumps her bags off at the corner by the living room and gives her mom a quick hug.

 

"Honey! It's so good to have you home." The smile Kayla gives her looks forced and uneasy, but Stephanie pretends not to notice right off.

 

"It's so good to be back home mom. Being on the road is fun, but staying at hotels isn't... especially when the novelty wears off." She looks in the living room and doesn't see her father there. "So is dad home?"

 

"He's down at the station."

 

Looking at little surprised, Stephanie realizes Steve has started working already. "He didn't say anything to me in his last email. When did he start working again?"

 

"On Monday... you hungry?" Kayla started walking towards the kitchen as Stephanie followed close behind. Reaching for a bowl and soupspoon, she places them on the small breakfast table in the kitchen and goes over to the stove.

 

"A little."

 

"Good, I've got a stew all ready." She serves a good portion into the bowl and places the warm pot back. Taking the seat next to Stephanie, Kayla pours her a cup of coffee, then goes to the refrigerator for some milk. Kayla watches as she starts eating while Stephanie takes the time to notice her mother's tired and fidgety behavior.

 

"So... anything happen while I was away?"

 

Kayla just smiled at her and brought some bread over. "No. Nothing out of the ordinary."

 

"Okay." She takes another spoonful as Kayla places several slices on a plate and closes the bag. She gets up to get the butter from the refrigerator and starts spreading each slice with it. After she finishes, she reaches for the bag of bread and pulls out three more slices and does the same thing to them. Stephanie raises her eyes brows as she watches Kayla put a thick coat of butter over one slice and a second layer over another. Finally calling her attention, Stephanie points to them as Kayla puts down the butter knife. "Mom? Who’s going to eat all that?"

 

"What, Honey?" She sees Stephanie motioning to the six slices of heavily buttered bread in the plate in front of her.

 

"I think two slices would be my limit."

 

Slightly embarrassed, Kayla pushes the plate away and puts the butter back. "Sorry, Baby. I guess I wasn't thinking."

 

"You sure there's nothing going on? You seemed... I don't know kinda... anxious, jittery."

 

"Does it show that much?"

 

Putting her spoon down, Stephanie reaches for a napkin to wipe her face. "Only because I know you, and I know when something's bothering you." Pausing to take a drink of coffee she asks about Steve. "Is it dad?"

 

Kayla leans back in her seat and draws her face into a worried look. A small set of lines crease across her forehead as her lips tighten into a straight line. "Your father... he's been... a bit preoccupied. It must be because he's a cop again. That must be it. He's going through a rough patch... you know... trying to get used to working at the station again."

 

"Okay. That would make sense."

 

"And... it's only been three days since he started working. He probably still feels out of place."

 

"Mom, that's only natural. Did he say anything to you about work being... difficult?"

 

Letting out a deep sigh, Kayla shakes her head. "No, he hasn't... and that's the problem. He hasn't said anything."

 

"But you asked him about it. Right?"

 

Looking rattled, Kayla starts muttering excuses for Steve's strange behavior. "Actually... no. I haven't come right out and asked. He's just been a little moody and distant. But he's probably got a lot on his mind."

 

"Well then ask him mom!" Stephanie tells her. "You know dad better than anyone. If you sense something is wrong, then... something is wrong!"

 

"I just don't want to push your father. I think I've already tried too hard to make him feel comfortable... that it's backfired."

 

"What do you mean backfired? That's not like you?"

 

"He's so polite each time we talk. It's like he doesn't want to say anything that would upset me, so he's so accommodating all the time." Kayla puts her hand to her face as she places her elbows on the table and looks down absentmindedly at the buttered bread slices. "I think he's feeling guilt about the miscarriage, that... somehow he's partly to blame." Shaking her head, Kayla keeps her eyes looking down.

 

Stephanie reaches for her coffee, but stops and lets her hands fall to her lap. She looks to Kayla and questions her again, thoroughly confused by what has been happening. "How can dad think that? Mom, this doesn't make sense?"

 

"I know! But I really think he feels guilty because he wasn't here at home. I've tried to tell him it just happens. Whether he was here or not, the result would have been the same."

 

"And what did he say?"

 

"It's more what he didn't say. He's been keeping to himself. I try telling him it's okay, I'm fine. Don't worry so much. Just concentrate on being back in the police force. But... every time I say that, he seems to look more guilty, like... he should be focused on me instead of his work."

 

Lifting her hands in the air, Stephanie tries to reason out her parent’s actions for the past week. "All right, let me get this straight. Dad has gone back to work at the police station and seems to be going through a rocky adjustment period." Kayla nods back at her in agreement. "... but that's only natural since he hasn't done this for what... over a dozen years?"

 

"Yes, that's what I've been telling him."

 

"Okay, and on top of that, he's also feeling guilty about your miscarriage... because he was away when it happened... so he thinks he partly at fault."

 

"And I've told him over and over again that it's not. Even when the doctor said it would have happened eventually, he acts like he's guilty."

 

"So now he's acting kind of ... distant, moody?"

 

"Pretty much." Kayla frowns as she considers another reason for his odd behavior. "I'm beginning to think the miscarriage just made him... I don't know... feel like he's lost out on another chance? He's already missed out on so much of our lives, and now... he's disappointed again that he won't even get this second chance."

 

"And with me being away a lot more and racing in Europe doesn't help, right?" Stephanie frowns back at her.

 

"Baby, your dad understands that this is what you love doing and he would never stand in your way. It's just lousy timing that it's all happened around the same time."

 

Taking several drinks from her coffee mug, Stephanie thinks quietly about her father's situation. She doesn't like hearing about this difficulty in her parent’s relationship. Everything was going so well for them lately. Questioning herself on what she could possibly do to help, she decides the best way to start is to go directly to the source. Steve was at the station. It wouldn't be too obvious if she dropped by for a quick visit. Placing her mug back on the table she fingers the handle a few seconds before deciding. Kayla has taken the plate of buttered bread and placed them in the refrigerator. Taking Stephanie's empty soup bowl and spoon, she puts them in the sink and grabs the coffee pot.  "Want some more, Honey?"               

 

"No thanks. Mom? I think I'll go down to the station to see dad." Kayla looks questioningly back at her, but Stephanie stands and puts her mug beside the bowl in the sink. "It's okay. I'm just going to pop in real quick to let him know I'm home."

 

"You can always talk to him later tonight."

 

"I know... but I'd like to see him at the station. Maybe I can see for myself how well he's handling being back there."

 

Smiling at her daughter, Kayla teases her about her motives. "You’re doing a bit of spying then?"

 

Laughing in response, Stephanie corrects her. "No. But I think it's best if I catch unaware so he'll act naturally. I won't be gone long."

 

Picking up her bag, Stephanie heads out the door and borrows Kayla's car. Driving to the Salem police station, she starts thinking again about her living situation at home. With more and more races coming up, she was spending less time there and more on the road. Her parents needed time back together and she wondered how they would feel about her moving out and getting her own place. Shawn had mentioned to her, the last time she saw him that he had moved out of the loft. Belle also left and there were now two vacant apartments there. So far John had not rented out either place. It would be a perfect place to live. Her parents had lived there before, so if it had been good enough for them, it would be perfect for her.

 

 

**********

 

 

 

For a while, she tried act as a go between for Steve and Kayla, but Stephanie just made things worse for her parents. Instead of talking their problems out in the open she became the bridge to connect the gap that had developed. They both started using her as a sounding board for their worries and she ended up relaying their messages to each other. Caught in the middle, Stephanie was having none of it. She decided and spoke to John about renting one of the apartments at the loft. Since she was gone half the time, they agreed to a month-to-month lease, just incase she eventually ended up living abroad. Basically, she chose to take herself out of the equation and left her parents to resolve their difficulties with each other, without the benefit of a third person audience.

 

Next in line of things to do was to tell them of her decision. She knew their biggest fear was the chance of danger to befall her. So far, life had been very normal and she had been able to travel in and out of Salem without having to look over her shoulder. Ben had summoned his father's men back home and unless his brother Tony could manage to cause problems, Stephanie needn't have to fear for her safety. Steve had been overprotective in respect to keeping Stephanie safe, but he would have to admit now that the danger was long past. She would remind them that the loft was just a half hour drive away. It was near enough a distance for their peace of mind and far enough for all of them to live out their own lives. Unfortunately, the talk with Steve and Kayla would have to wait a few more days. Kayla had two more evenings of late night shifts at the hospital, while Steve was already putting in overtime to try and catch up at the station.

 

 

 

Bo sat at the table as Steve returned with two Espressos’. He hadn't been too surprised when Steve asked him out for coffee during a break. The report from his tests at the academy arrived on Roman's desk before Steve returned home. No one there knew what to make of him. Considering his age and the lengthy period he spent away, it would have been expected if he did poorly. Not only did Steve pass, but his scores were perfect. Cadets twenty years younger couldn't reach his level of excellence. They had all joked about his secret agent training, but in the end, they had to wonder if there was any truth to it. Roman had questioned Bo about Steve, asking him questions about the man's past. He, along with Abe, found the whole matter unnerving and to be honest, so did Bo. So far, Steve had not spoken about anything since he started back at the station. Keeping a low profile for the past few days, he wasn't doing anything to make himself standout. But personal records speak loud in such circumstances and there was hardly an officer at the station who wasn't familiar with how well Steve tested.

 

Pushing any small talk aside, Steve just went right to the heart of the problem and told Bo about his dreams. "I can't tell you much... cause it's mostly just quick flashes of images. But I always feel like... I've done all that before."

 

"I don't get you. You've done what?"

 

Rubbing his forehead, Steve takes a drink from his coffee and tells Bo about voice in his dreams. " I always see the same image. I'm holding a gun in my hands. I feel... really tired, but someone is telling to do it. Shoot! I barely look at what I'm shooting at. It's like... I'm just relying on my instincts. When I'm finished they tell me I didn't miss. It's always the same Bo... they always say I never miss."

 

"And you don't know whose telling you this?"

 

"I never see his face."

 

Confused, Bo tries reasoning out why could be happening. "Maybe it's an old memory Steve... you know from when we were in the merchant marines."

 

But Steve just shakes his head back at him. "I already had this..." He tells him pointing to the eye patch and Bo grimaces at his motion. "I know I'm older in these dreams... but I don't know where this is happening."

 

"What about Cincinnati? If it's not a memory from here, then that's the only answer."

 

This time, Steve looks down a moment before answering. "There's something you should know about Cincy." Taking a deep breath, he blows it out before continuing. "I remember living there the last six years... but... I can't remember where I was before I ended up there."

 

Bo had taken several large drinks, but pause midway as he held the cup just in front of his lips. Looking at his brother-in-law, the strangeness of Steve's performance at the academy suddenly took on a whole new meaning. "Hold on here bro? You're telling me you remembered your past... your life here in Salem and everything before that and you also remember living in Cincy for... six years?"

 

Nodding at him, Steve admits there is a gap in the years. "But from the time I "died" to when I surfaced in that motel room was ten years I can't remember."

 

Slamming his cup down in frustration, Bo just stares back at him, angry at his sudden revelation. "Damn it Steve, why haven't you said anything!"

 

"Because I wasn't sure what was going on! Look... when I first got my memories back, I just thought the rest would eventually come to me. I wasn't even thinking about what happened after I was taken away. Then... after we all got back from Italy, I just wanted to live the normal life again and I didn't think about it. But it all changed after I went to the academy. I started dreaming about it."

 

"I don't know what to say. Everyone already thinks something's weird with you passing your test with perfect scores." Bo looks at him, almost trying to read what's going on in Steve's mind. "You don't know where all this is happening?"

 

"It's just what I told you. There are only a few images, and it's always the same."

 

"Man, I don't know? Maybe you should see Marlena. Maybe she can do something to help you... remember?"

 

Thinking the matter over the last few days, Steve has already thought of someone he could speak to. Scratching at his neck, then running his fingers through his hair, he mentions Portia's son. Elliot Jules. "Benjy told his cousin about what happened with his mother. He also mentioned my part in her death and what occurred with Stefano in Cozenza. This maybe a long shot, but I just have this feeling he could help somehow."

 

"You think he could... you know... do the same thing his mother could?"

 

Yes. I'm wondering if he could. Benjy mentioned how Elliot was so much like his mother; maybe he inherited... that... from her too. I've got to see him anyway. Since coming home, I've put off visiting him, but I can't do it forever."

 

Bo mentioned how Sami knew him and that he had an apartment in the same building as she did. "So... he's another DiMera."

 

"But he's also a Brady!"

 

Bo just smirked at the news and gulped down the rest of his drink. "Just what we need. A Brady-DiMera cousin." He said before crumpling the cup in his hand.

 

 

 

Taking a moment to compose himself, Steve knocked on the apartment door as Elliot opened it and welcomed Steve inside. Looking around his apartment, it was easy to see the wealth displayed in the rich furnishing around him. The man came from old money and it showed. His clothes were tailored to fit him and it reminded Steve of Mr.Guinta and his thousand dollar suits. Offering him a seat on the Italian leather sofa, Elliot asked if he would like coffee or tea, but Steve kindly refused both and spoke of why he was there.

 

Rubbing his hands together, Steve found it a little hard to say something. Elliot was very much like his mother in the sense that there was a feeling of aloofness in him. He had a commanding presence, but there was something in his character that held him separate from others. Portia had that, but not to the same degree. With Elliot Jules, it might also have had something to do with his upbringing. He exhibited a highly composed British air of behavior. Stuffy to the point of being posh, he was very reserved and quite standoffish. Elliot watched him almost without blinking all the while. He didn't resemble her physically. Steve noticed that Elliot's eyes were brown rather than blue-gray but they also had the same magnetic pull. Growing more certain, that Elliot had taken after his mother in many things, he offered his condolences to him on her recent death.

 

"I'm sorry I didn't visit you earlier. I should have come immediately after hearing of your mother's death. I'm very sorry for your loss."

 

Taking a moment to respond, Elliot gives him the barest hint of a smile, before acknowledging his apology. "I thank you for your visit Mr. Johnson. But in all honesty, I must tell you, I wasn't that close to my mother."

 

"Oh? I didn't know that."

 

Waving his hand in the air. Elliot explained a little of his family background. "My parents separated when I was quite young. I've lived with my father in England and only visited my mother once every three or four years. The last time I actually saw her was perhaps... four or five years ago."

 

"Well, I'm still sorry about her death. Even if you weren't...that close, she was still... family."

 

"Yes she was."

 

Trying to size up the younger man, Steve didn't know whether to ask him if he would help with what his mother had done to him. "Your cousin Benjy... he told you how your mother... well, how she... how she hypnotized me to forget my past."

 

"Yes Benjamin informed me of the particulars."

 

Blinking at the choice of words, Steve grew even more wary of seeking the younger man's aid, but he continued on. "Well, she removed... whatever mental block she put on me and I remembered my past life in Salem. But, I believe, there are more memories I have yet to remember."

 

Taking a moment to let the man's story sink in, Elliot Jules watched as Steve sat uncomfortably on his sofa while eyeing him warily. It was clear why he came to visit. Steve's condolences regarding his mother was his ticket in, but the man wanted something from more him.

 

"You want something from me Mr. Johnson?"

 

Pressing his lips together and letting out a sigh, Steve nodded his head at him. "I need your help to try and figure out just what Portia... did to make me forget."

 

"And you think I could help you?"

 

Looking him straight in his eyes, Steve nodded again. "I believe you can."

 

Elliot had been sitting back in his chair, lazily running his fingers over his lips as he watched his guest. He never mentioned the special trait he inherited from his mother. All these years he had kept it a secret though he used it on people sometimes, when he wanted them to do as he wished. Unfortunately for him, he could only influence the weak minded. Compared to Portia, he's strength was small, but he could tap into some things.

 

"Mr. Johnson, I'm not as... strong as my mother, but I can reach certain... things she may have left behind. If there is something more to be found, I can at least tell you if it's there is or not. I cannot guarantee I can help."

 

Somewhat disappointed. Steve nonetheless requested any help he could give. "I still want to try. At least, I can find out if there's more to what happened to me."

 

Frowning somewhat, Elliot cautions Steve on what would happen next. "I would like a few days to think this over first, if you don't mind. I believe you should do the same... and perhaps start jotting down what you have recalled so far. It may help me in directing my effort on the right path."

 

"Yeah. Okay. I can do that."

 

"Very good." Standing up then, Elliot repeats his offer for refreshments, but Steve tells him he should get going. "Then I'll contact you in a few days as to when would be the best time to proceed with this matter."

 

"That's fine. Thanks for helping me." Steve tells him and he shakes his hand.

 

"There's no need to thank me. I haven't done anything yet."

 

"Well, I think you'll be able to help."

 

"Let's hope so." As he walked Steve towards the door, a quick question comes to him. "Mr. Johnson? Have you ever heard my mother sing?"

 

"What? Singing? No... I haven't. But... I did hear her humming one time."

 

"I see."

 

"Why? Is that important?"

 

"My mother used her voice as well as her eyes to control people. Singing was a way she could immediately put someone under and they would never notice or realize what had happened to them."

 

Steve remembered how he had heard Portia's humming when he returned to her house. He felt drawn to the library where she had been waiting for him. It was there where the memories over powered him, but he was able to come back on his own. She had used her voice to make him remember more and all it took was a simple song. He looked back at Elliot Jules and saw the man searching his face for hidden answers. A cautious voice rose inside him giving off a slight warning that maybe he was offering himself up for a downfall. He didn't know the man next to him. He only knew what Elliot's mother did to him.

 

"Your mother was controlling me as soon as I entered her house."

 

Elliot nodded in agreement. "You've been hurt a great deal. I'm sorry Mr. Johnson. I'm sorry my mother didn't help you finish it." Pulling the door open, Steve walked outside and turned back to face the other man. "I'll do what I can, but it may depend entirely on you in the end."

 

"You mean, if I can make myself remember?"

 

"No. If you are willing to stop if and let things stay as they are if you cannot. There are a lot of things in the dark Mr. Johnson... and some of them... are better left unseen. Goodbye Sir. I will be in contact with you soon."

 

As he closed the door, Steve walked slowly to the elevator and pressed at the down button. The image of the gun and the shooting replayed in his head. It wasn't a pretty sight and it did worry him. But it also left him wanting answers. He just wanted some answers.

 

 

**********

 

 

Stephanie dropped the bomb on them that weekend. It was nearing the end of the January and she was planning to move her things in already.

 

“You’ve rented what loft?” Steve started pacing again, but this time Stephanie wasn’t couldn’t to back down and be intimidated.

 

“The same loft Shawn lived at… which should be the one you and mom lived in when you were first married.”

 

“When did you do this?”

 

“Several days ago. I spoke to John and he agreed to a month-to-month lease.”

 

Kayla wasn’t saying much of anything, but sat watching Steve do his pacing. She had been thinking that Stephanie would eventually move out. As much as she wanted her baby close to home, she could understand the need to finally make the big move. Truthfully, she also knew that the tense relationship she and Steve were going through right now was a big factor in her decision. When Stephanie mentioned their loft, both of them naturally looked to the other as a flood of memories washed over them. Having Stephanie move in there would raise their emotions higher. How can they not think of their past there, especially if their daughter would now occupied the same living quarters.

 

“Look, before either of you start lecturing me on the pros and cons of moving out, I have to say a big part of the reason I’m doing this is because I don’t want to be your bridge anymore. You’ve both been using me to relay your thoughts and feelings, and disgruntled  remarks to each other.” Stephanie saw the reality of their situation reflected in their faces and they knew exactly what she meant. “I just can’t do it anymore and I don’t want to do it. I love you both so much, but you really need time to yourselves. The best way that can happen is for me to go off on my own.”

 

Steve was eyeing her, ready to argue again, but Stephanie finished her reasoning. “Mom, Dad, you two could always talk to each other about everything… so… just do it! And when you’ve settled your problems, come and visit me at the loft. I’m certain you haven’t forgotten your way over there.”

 

With that statement still hanging in the air, Stephanie ran up the stairs to bring down the first items she would be taking to her new apartment. Steve and Kayla faced each other as Steve wearily took a seat in his easy chair. Well, he thought, his daughter certainly had a mind of her own, unfortunately, her smart lip was something she got from her uncle Bo. Kayla went next to him and sat on the armrest as she brought up the obvious. She touched his shoulder and he turned around to take her hand in his as he twisted in his chair to face her. “That’s some daughter we’ve got.”

 

“Yes, she is… and she’s also right!”

 

Steve raised his eyebrows up at her, but smiled despite his reluctance in agreeing. “Well, I do agree that we need to talk some things out.” Taking a deep breath, he squeezed her hand. “Sweetness, there is something I need to tell you.”

 

Kayla sat next to him, expecting a confession of his phantom guilt over her recent miscarriage, but she was surprised when he mentioned Portia again. What was more perplexing was that he just visited her son before coming home.

 

“I’ve been having some kind of dream lately. It feels… like I’m being trained, or something like that and I always see myself shooting at something. The dreams is never long, maybe ten seconds… but I just don’t know where all this is happening. I know it’s not something from my past in the merchant marines, or when I was in the force years ago.”

 

“Steve? Is this why you’ve been acting so moody lately? I thought it was because of my miscarriage?”

“Baby, it does have something to do with it, in part. But there’s more. You know I lived in Cincy before returning, but I only remember living there for six years. I have no memory of what happened in my life from 1990 to 2000 when I showed up in that motel.”

 

Shock, surprise, and confusion all merged together on Kayla’s face. “But you said you remembered when she removed that… mental block. I thought you remembered everything.”

 

“I did… well I remembered my past here, but those ten years… I have nothing!” Pulling her closer to him, he stood as he started to caress her face. “Sweetness, listen to me. I spoke to Portia’s son because I think he maybe be able to help. I believe he’s inherited… that… from her and he might be able to help me unblock the rest of my past.”

 

“No Steve! I don’t like this! That woman has already messed with things, who knows what her son could do to you!”

 

“Kayla, I have to try.”

 

“I don’t trust him.”

 

“Baby, I don’t either, but what choice do I have?”

 

Thinking a moment, she decides to go with him when he sees Elliot Jules again. “I know you don’t like the idea and I don’t care what you say but I’m going with you when you see him again.”

 

“Kayla?” He said warningly.

 

“No! This concerns the both of us. I’m not letting you go through this alone.”

 

He didn’t like the idea, she was right about that, but he also knew he needed her with him. He had felt so alone when he was with Portia. With Kayla with him, he could draw from her strength and add it to his. “Alright. We’ll go together. He said he’ll be contacting me in a little while.”

 

“And how soon is that?”

 

“Very soon. He said a few days.”

 

Just in case he forgot, she reminded him again. “I’m not letting you out of my sight Steven Johnson. Not ever again!”

 

“I know, Baby!” He told her as he placed a kiss on her head. “I know.” He looked back at the row of pictures on the shelf over the fireplace. The faces looked back at him in countless smiles, but inside, all he could feel was the fear rising up fast.

On to Chapter 4