Hush a bye, don’t you cry, go to sleepy little baby.
When you wake, you shall have, all the pretty little horses…

All the Pretty Little Horses

 

Chapter 4. Billy-Jack

 

 

 

She held his hand on the drive over to Elliot’s apartment. With one hand on the wheel and the other firmly clasped by Kayla, Steve drove steadily down the street and parked at the first open space by the main entrance. Before getting out of the car, Kayla turned and gave him an encouraging smile. He felt his response was forced out of him, but Steve nodded back to her and opened his door. Elliot had called them last night and suggested meeting that morning. His schedule was free and they could meet without any business interruptions. Steve mentioned bringing Kayla along and Elliot hesitated a moment, but agreed, saying her presence there may make him more calm and responsive.

 

In the elevator standing side by side, Kayla reached over and gently stroked his jaw as Steve leaned and gave her a quick kiss. “Everything Okay?’ She asked him, sensing his unease.

 

He nodded back, but shifted again in his stance and rotated his head a little while waiting for the elevator to stop. Taking several deep breaths, Steve led the way as they walked out and approached the apartment a few doors down. With Kayla’s hand securely in his hold, he rang the bell. Elliot answered almost immediately and welcomed them in. Offering them refreshments, Kayla accepted a cup of tea as Steve declined again and stood agitated by Kayla’s side. She tried rubbing at his arms to calm him, but the more seconds ticked by, the more jumpy and restless he became.

 

“Mr. Johnson! You really need to relax.” Elliot offered him a seat and motioned to the big easy chair by the fireplace. “The more calm and rested you are, the easier it will be for me.”

 

Watching her husband’s agitated motions, she asked to speak to him a moment. Pulling him aside towards the window, she leaned in close, placing a hand upon his chest. “Steve?” She said in a low whisper. “You don’t have to do this. We can leave right now if you want.”

 

He looked over to Elliot first before answering. The younger man stood by a desk, his focus solely on them. Steve tried to imagine Portia, how she had would have acted if he had been able to ask this of her. No matter how fearful he had been of her, in the end, he trusted she would do him no harm. Trying to get the same feel from her son, Steve made his decision to try. “No. It’s better we do this now At least we’ll be better prepared if something else happens.” Walking back to the chair, he sits down and calls Elliot over to him. “I’m ready. Go ahead and do… this.”

 

Elliot takes a chair and positions it in front of Steve and sits down. Dressed in more casual attire, he sits up straight, his hands resting, one over each leg, holding a gold pen. “Before we start… can you tell me what your dreams have been? What have you remembered?”

 

Steve looks down a moment, then up again and relates how the dreams start. “I’m always tired, like I’ve just run a long distance. There is someone near me… behind me, telling me to take the gun. I don’t want to and try to resist, but he tells me to take it as I turn and he puts it in my hands. I focus ahead at a target I can barely see in the distance. I… I lift the gun in front of me. It feels so natural holding it, like… I’ve held one hundreds of times already. I look on, but rely more on my instincts, then… I start firing.” Taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out, Steve looks momentarily at Kayla before finishing. “After I finish… he says I didn’t miss. He says I never miss.”

 

Elliot frowns a little as Steve finished. This was something he had not come across so far. Whatever he maybe able to do would be minimal in comparison to his mother. Narrowing his eyes, he explains his interpretation of what Steve has experienced. “I believe those are actual memories. The feelings you had, the physical reactions all leads me to believe that more memories are being withheld from you.” Shaking his head slightly, he offers what help he could. “As I mentioned on our earlier meeting, I am not as strong as my mother. It seems she made a small opening, but was unable to finish. I cannot guarantee I can finish what she started. At the most… I can tell you if there is something left blocking you and whether it is strong or weak enough to be removed.”

 

“If you can sense this… block… would you try removing it?”

 

“I’m not sure I can. There’s something you should know about my mother. She sometimes leaves clues… like a trail. It could lead to a dead end or… it could lead to answers.”

 

Shaking his own head in frustration, Steve looks over to Kayla as she sits quietly on the sofa. He sees the fear in her eyes and gives her a reassuring smile thinking all the while of what he was getting himself into. Letting his own fears subside, he faces Elliot and he tells him to proceed. “Do it! I need to know.”

 

“Very well.” Lifting the pen in the air, he holds it up for Steve to see. “Focus your attention of this pen Mr. Johnson. Let yourself relax and focus all your energies on this."

 

The gleam of gold bounced off and entered him as Steve began to feel drowsy. He felt himself falling back into the chair as it grew large around him and swallowed him whole. For a second there was complete darkness, then he stood in a room he had never seen before. He sensed Elliot standing behind him. But he knew if he turned around, he would see no one. Elliot saw that Steve was under and placed the pen in his pocket. Kayla had stayed seated and kept a watchful eye on the man. Steve looked relaxed in the chair. His eye was closed and a calm expression was on his face. Inching forward in his seat, Elliot started questioning him.

 

“Please open your eye Mr. Johnson.” Following his instructions, Steve looked blankly back at them. “Can you tell me where you are?”

 

In that place, Steve looked around. He turned his head slightly behind him then faces front again. “It’s a room… small.”

 

“Are you alone in the room?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Can you tell me what you see?”

 

He feels himself walking around in there. “There’s a table near the center… and there’s an open book on top.”

 

“What else?”

 

“There’s no other furniture. The walls are bare… nothing is hanging anywhere.”

 

“Are there any windows?”

 

“No. No windows, but a single door.”

 

“Please go to the door and tell me what you see.”

 

Standing in front of it, Steve looks it over. “It’s a regular door, but… wait, the knob is weird. It’s not normal…”

 

“What is wrong with it?”

 

“It looks like… this isn’t right.” He starts taking steps back as Elliot’s voice stops him.

 

“Please tell me Mr. Johnson. What is wrong with the doorknob?”

 

“It looks like it’s made from… soap?”

 

Pausing a moment, Elliot looks to Kayla, before turning back and continuing. “Can you open this door?”

 

Placing his hand on the knob, Steve tries to turn but it doesn’t move. “No… it’s locked.”

 

“What color is it?”

 

“Color?”

 

“Yes. Is the doorknob colored white… or some other…”

 

“It looks green, but a pale green.”

 

“Take another look around and tell me, is there anything that looks out of place? Anything that looks unusual?”

 

Taking a quick look he sees nothing at first, but looks down on the floor and sees the wrapper. “There’s some kind of candy wrapper?”

 

“Where?”

 

“On the floor in front of the door.”

 

“What kind of wrapper is it? Paper?”

 

“No. It’s like… plastic… cellophane!”

 

“Does it have a color too?”

 

“No it’s clear.” He watches as it is gently blown around, moving a small, jagged steps.

 

“Do you see anything else?”

 

Taking one more look, Steve shakes his head. “There’s nothing.”

 

“Mr. Johnson? Please go to the book on that table. What sort of book is it?”

 

Walking back there, he stands right over and reaches to take the book in his hands. The book is heavy, thick, with a cloth binding. “It looks like a dictionary. It’s old with gold leaf edges.”

 

“What page is it opened to?”

 

“The letter, G.”

 

His eyes narrow just then, as Elliot sits slightly back. He seems to sense something and his frown grows deeper as Steve waits for his next question. Thinking a moment, he moves forward in his seat and continues. “Mr. Johnson, this next question is important. Is there any word that is emphasized on the page? It could be underlined or circled?”

 

He looks down and a single word pops up at him. Steve runs his fingers over it as though the word was embossed in the air. “Green!”

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“The word Green. It’s lifted up from the pages.”

 

Confused by the response, Elliot asks him to explain.” It’s lifted? How do you mean lifted?”

 

“I don’t know, but the word looks like it’s hovering in air. Like… a hologram?”

 

Kayla moves then and Elliot catches her motions out of the corner of his eyes. He stays focused on Steve for the moment, then lowers his head slightly, thinking about the man’s response. “All right Mr. Johnson, please place the book back down.” Doing as he was instructed, Steve returns the book and takes a few steps around the room. “Now you are certain that there is nothing else that looks amiss… nothing out of place?”

 

“No.”

 

“All right. We’re almost finished.” Sitting back straight in his chair, Elliot asks his last two questions. “Tell me, do you hear anything? Any type of sound or noise?”

 

Listening intently, Steve shakes his head. “No voices, no sound of any kind.”

 

“No?”

 

“No.” Steve repeats.

 

“Can you smell anything?”

 

Steve frowns then, confused by the question. “I don’t know what you mean…?”

 

“Take a deep breath and tell me, is there any scent in the air?”

 

Again, he follows Elliot’s command and inhales. He breathes in deep and for a moment, he thought he caught a scent of something, but it quickly dissipated. “There was something… just for a second. I’m not sure?”

 

“That’s all right. Now I need you to start counting backwards from ten down to one. When your reach the number one, you will rejoin us back in my apartment. Please start counting now.”

 

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one…” Opening his eyes, Steve saw Kayla first as she stood and walked over to him. Kneeling by his side, she touched and gently stroked his face and took hold of his hand. “Steve? Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah, Baby I’m fine.”

 

Elliot had also stood and walked into the kitchen. He returned with a glass of water and told Steve to drink it. “It helps afterwards.” He told him.

 

Steve thanked him and mentioned that his mother did the same thing. Watching the younger man, Steve remained sitting where he was as Kayla sat near him on the armrest. Elliot stood off, by his desk and looked to be in deep thought. His brows were drawn together. Placing one hand on the desk, he leaned into it slightly before straightening up and facing his guests.

 

“My mother left clues for you Mr. Johnson. At least two.”

 

“Can you break the… hold she placed?”

 

“I’m afraid not… but you might be able to on your own.”

 

“I can’t do this by myself.”

 

Hesitating a moment, Elliot tells them of the trail his mother left behind. “You mentioned a slight scent in the air. That means she was there. It’s her way of telling you she tried to remove the other blocks she placed.” Standing by the desk he stood, feet apart, composed and steady as he continued with his observations. “The candy wrapper… it was a clear wrapper and left by the door. I feel this is a hint of some kind. That something you need to look for can be easily bypassed because you see right through it. And it may also be small enough for you to discount, overlook, so nothing should be beneath your notice.” Taking a deep breath, he continues further. “The soap is confusing… I take it to be some kind of decoy, to make you search elsewhere… or it could have a cryptic meaning… the sense of cleansing away and seeing what is beneath. The word, Green, is the big clue my mother left for you. It literally pops out at you and forces you to look. It is strong enough to be seen and felt.”

 

“But what would it point to? It’s just a color? How important could that be?” Steve questioned him.

 

“That Mr. Johnson, is something she left for you to figure out. All I can tell you is that Green... is her favorite color. As to the rest of its importance… well I am as baffled about it as you are.”

 

Getting to his feet, Steve stands and Kayla follows as well. He faces at her a moment before turning to Elliot. He had wished the man could have been of more help, but at least he had a slight idea of what was happening to him. Cupping her face in his hand, he looks tenderly down at her as he gives her a quick hug. “I guess it’s up to us, Sweetness, to figure out the rest.” He sighed back at her.

 

“We’ll talk to Marlena, or find another doctor, Steve. You’re not alone in this.”

 

Nodding at her, he pauses a brief moment before walking over and extending his hand to the younger man. “Thank you for seeing us. I’ll admit I am… disappointed… but at least there’s a chance now.”

 

“She left that clue for a reason. I think she knew you would find the answer.”

 

Giving him a small smile, Steve thanks him again. He and Kayla head towards the door and Elliot opens it for them and they walk out. Stopping a moment, Steve mentions how he remembers Portia’s house. “It’s surprising that you say her favorite color is green. I didn’t see it in her house.”

 

But Elliot Jules just smiled at him. “She always commented that redheads shouldn’t like green. It was just too obvious a color for them… but it was her favorite. She was especially partial to the shades of sage and forest green.”

 

“Sage and Forest green… interesting choices.”

 

“Yes. I suppose so. I sincerely wish you luck in your endeavors, Sir.”

 

“Maybe we’ll get lucky this time.” Steve replied and they said their goodbyes.

 

Kayla had remained quiet all that time as Steve looked at her. “You’re awfully quiet back there, Baby.”

 

“Was I? I guess I was thinking about the clues. It’s all rather cryptic, isn’t it?”

 

“Not as much as Portia’s was. She was just one big puzzle. I thought she would make things easier, but I guess not.” As they entered the elevator, Steve sighed once again as the doors closed.

 

 

 

It was another dinner with just the two of them again. Steve had hired a moving truck to take most of Stephanie's belongings to the loft and the three of them spent practically the whole day there yesterday, helping her unpack and settle in. Kayla had called to see if she would come for dinner, but Stephanie said she was tired and was turning in early. Offering to make dinner that evening, Steve whipped up one of his gourmet meals as Kayla lounged in front of the fireplace, warming her hands and toes. The smells from the kitchens make her stomach rumble as she enjoyed the peace and quiet of another evening alone together.

 

They had spent the last couple of days trying to figure out what importance the color green could have but came up empty handed. Steve went over in his mind how Portia's house had looked, but he had been correct in saying there was little there that would show the woman even liked that color. Most of the rooms were in shades of dark pink and browns. The furniture was made from cherry wood, as were the many bookcases and paneled walls. With the exception of the library which had pale green curtains, that was the only room where that specific color was prominent.

 

Discussing the matter further over dinner, each of them tried to think of other references to the color green. It could possibly be related to money since that was what started the Brady-DiMera feud. But what else was there. Plants perhaps, signifying...? Neither had an answer. It was definitely a puzzle with a solution staring them in the face. Something you would see through and not even realize? It could be small, small enough to escape their notice if they weren't careful, but what? Kayla stood and started to gather their empty dishes. Rinsing them off in the sink, she loaded the dishwasher and turned it on. Returning to the living room, she found Steve looking through the dictionary again as he had been doing for the past two days.

 

"Maybe it's not the word green itself, but one of the words next to it. Possibly just a small word?" He suggested as he looked down the page, but nothing came of it. Frustration was setting in fast as he flipped back and forth between several pages and ended up tearing one. Kayla had enough and took the book from him. Ordering him to sit, she started to massage his shoulder muscles as the tension of the last two days slowly eased out of him. Steve leaned slightly back and rested his head against her hands. He had closed his eye in bliss as she continued working her fingers across his shoulders to his upper arms.

 

Whispering in his ear, she felt him sink further into the chair. "I think you're enjoying this too much Steve."

 

"No, Baby, not nearly enough." His voice grew rough and dark as he reached around at her hands and pulled her down. She fell into his lap as her arms worked their way around his neck and he covered her lips with his. The kiss deepened quickly as Kayla pried open the buttons on his shirt and he followed suit by working those on her blouse. He started to pull the blouse from her shoulders when the doorbell rang followed by an insistent knocking. They parted, clearly not amused by the interruption as Steve yearningly looked back at Kayla's slightly bruised mouth.

 

"Whoever that is... I'm going to kill him." He grumbled as Kayla got up and began buttoning her blouse.

 

"It could be Stephanie?" Kayla offered as an explanation.

 

"It's not. Stephanie wouldn't ring the bell." Reaching the door with his shirt still unbuttoned, Steve opened the door and stood in shock as two arms reached for him and pulled him into a great big hug. "Brother! Mi Hermano! I'm Back!" Jack stood embracing him as the cold February winds rushed in and instantly chilled them in the doorway. Pulling away, Jack shivered and walked in, his face lighting up when he saw Kayla. Steve remained at the door a few second longer as he muttered to himself. "Jack. Come in. Don't be a stranger." He shut the door and joined his brother and wife in the living room.

 

Giving Kayla another hug, Jack turned and took off his coat, draping it over the nearest chair. "Surprised you didn't I? I know, I know, you didn't expect to see me so soon, but I just had to visit... you know to look in on Abby!" Looking around the room, he notices the changes they made. "The house looks great... different from when I lived here, but that's okay... I mean it's your place now, isn't it!" Walking over to the fireplace, he starts to warm himself, briskly rubbing his hands together. "Boy it's cold outside. But it's no where near as cold as London. I don't think I'll ever get the cold out of my bones over there."

 

"Jack." Kayla called out to him. "You should have let us know you were coming. The guest room's a little messy right now, but it will only take me a moment to fix it up."

 

"No, No! Don't trouble yourself. I'm staying with Maggie. Abby insisted!"

 

"Oh! Okay." She smiled at him, then looked at Steve who was still shocked by his sudden appearance. When Steve moved closer to Kayla, she jabbed him slightly in the ribs and motioned to him with a shake of her head.

 

Giving her an exasperated look, he went over to his brother as Kayla offered to get them some coffee. "Coffee! Yes! Need some right now." Pausing a moment, Jack calls out again. "Or Tea, if you have some? You know how we English love our tea!"

 

"You're not English, Jackson." Steve points out.

 

"Well, yes... I'm not, of course, but you know, I'll do anything to fit in with the natives!" He joked back at him.

 

"Uh huh!"

 

Returning with two steaming cups, Jack grabs at his and takes several deep gulps before settling himself down in the armchair. "So, how are things? You guys look great!"

 

Steve kept his cup to his mouth, which left Kayla to answer the inquiry. "Thanks, you look good too. How are Jennifer and JJ?"

 

"Great! Super. Jen just loves London, and I think JJ is picking up the local accent. When he call Jen mommy, it sounds more like mummy, you know!"

 

Steve continues to stand, while Kayla takes a seat on the sofa. She sees that Steve's shirt is still unbuttoned and tries to motion to him about it, but he just ignores her. "So Jack, how long will you be in town?" Kayla asks.

 

"Just a week! Got to get back or the office just falls apart with me. Still that gives us enough time to visit doesn't it?" Placing his cup at the table nearby, he rubs his hand together and leans forward in his chair, his face forming a large, happy grin. "So Abby's still at work and I've got the next hour free. Great timing huh?"

 

"Perfect." Steve finally says and gives Kayla a look.

 

Too happy too notice, Jack starts telling them about his new life abroad. Steve looks, but obviously doesn't listen as his brother continues with his tales. Finally noticing Steve's quiet behavior, Jack stops and asks about the evening plans. "Say I wasn't interrupting anything?"

 

"Oh no... just spending a quiet evening at home." Kayla smiles at him as Steve throws daggers in her direction. Finally taking the seat next to her, he places an arm around her and starts rubbing at her lower back as Jack tells them another amusing tale about London. Kayla tries to pull his hand away, but he keeps at her as they spend the next hour listening to the Deveraux's adventures in merry ole England.

 

 

**********

 

 

Jack stood and helped himself to another piece of pie and a good dollop of whipping cream. Abby placed her empty plate on the coffee table and leaned back as Kayla offered more coffee. Taking a long lunch break, Abby joined her dad and aunt for lunch and dessert. Kayla had made both an apple and peach pie along with fresh whipped cream. Placing her hand over her full stomach, she shook her head at Kayla’s offer. “No thanks, Aunt Kayla! I’m about ready to burst.”

 

“What about you Jack?”

 

“Sure, I could use a topper.”

 

Kayla eyed him a moment before refilling his cup and passing the cream and sugar. “Topper?” She said bemused as his newly found lingo. “How very British of you.”

 

Opening his mouth to insert a sizeable piece of pie, he rolled his eyes in bliss, and chased it down with a huge drink of coffee. “Damn, but I miss this food. This…” He pointed to the pie. “…is something they just can’t get right over there. Scones are good, but it doesn’t compare to homemade pie!”

 

“Mom’s been making her donuts, hasn’t she?”

 

“Yup! We’ve been bringing them into the news room too, now everyone there’s hooked on them.”

 

“Look dad, it’s getting late and I really have to get back to work.” Abby stands and grabs her bag as Jack shoves the rest of the pie in his mouth. With the fork dangling from his mouth, he mumbles something while standing to give Abby a hug. “Ir ree oo sonite?”

 

“Dad!” Taking the fork from him, she reaches for a napkin and hands it over so he could wipe his mouth.

 

“Oh sorry, I asked if I would see you tonight.”

 

Nodding her head she mentions getting off work around six. “We can have dinner together, just the two of us.”

 

“Can’t wait.” Hugging her, he places a kiss on her head and smiles adoringly down. Abby turns to Kayla and also gives her a hug, thanking her for lunch and the pie as she heads out the door.

 

"Sure you don't want to take some with you, Honey!"

 

"No Thanks, Aunt Kayla." Looking at Jack rubbing his stomach in bliss, she tells her aunt her dad may just eat the rest before the hour's out. Waving once more at him, she leaves the two of them as she droves back to work.

 

"There's more pie, you know." Kayla tells her brother in law as she picks up Abby's plate and places it on the dining room table.

 

Looking over his shoulder at the table, Jack thinks a moment, then waves his hand across and slumps back down. "No, maybe later... in a little while."

 

Taking the seat across from him, Kayla smiles back and mentions how good it was that he could visit so soon. "I know Steve hasn't said so, but he is happy to see you."

 

"Keeping the feelings inside is he?" He tells her, giving a knowing look. "Kayla... I know how hard it must be for him... I've been there myself, you know... after I've died, those few times..." He suddenly sits forward and animatedly tries to downplay his past resurrections. "But, let's not get into that. Look, the point I'm trying to make is that it's hard, to try and deal with all... this again. And with Steve, it's been a huge chunk of his life... and yours. I don't expect him to act normal just yet. But he will. I know he will."

 

"I know he will too, but sometimes it seems like he's doing this more for me and Stephanie, instead of himself. It's like he owes us for all those years."

 

"I felt that way too. In the beginning I tried really hard to make it up to Jen and JJ, but after a while, I just accepted, I couldn't go backwards anymore.

 

"I wished Steve was at that point now." She sighed aloud.

 

Thinking the matter over some more, Jack offers his help. "Do you... want me to talk to him?"

 

"I... I don't know. Maybe he just needs more time... but I guess it wouldn't hurt if you two... talked."

 

"Steve and I talking... well, there's a new concept. It's not like we've had much practice doing that right?" He tries laughing, but the amusement falls short and ends abruptly. "Ironic, isn't it. We seemed closer when he didn't remember who I was, and now that he does, we're back to that comfortable silence between us. I guess old hurts never really die... they just get buried deep down inside until someone nudges them back up to the surface."

 

Looking at Kayla, it was hard to believe he could sit and talk to her. For them, the past managed to absorb many of the unpleasantness that lingered between them, but for Steve, it was still a part of him.

 

Watching her brother-in-law, Kayla knew to what he was referring to. She always felt that she had finally been able to move on after Jennifer's own rape trial. Kayla believed she had been able to forgive as much as she could back then. But they both knew that there was still something that was held back. Watching Jack, she saw both an old friend she had truly cared for, and a man she once hated with all her heart. Maybe she would never be able to truly forgive and forget, but she knew that Jack deserved her thanks and undying gratitude for bringing Steve back to her.

 

Facing him, she found the words lodged inside her, but pushing at them, they freely moved and found their way to a grateful recipient. "Jack, I know how hard you've tried over the years... to make up for... what happened. In my heart, a big part of me had accepted your atonement and has forgiven, but... I think you must feel somehow that it was never complete. Maybe you think bad of me for not doing that... perhaps, this time I'm at fault for not offering you complete forgiveness, but... I just... I just can't... not yet."

"Kayla, you of all people have nothing to feel sorry or bad about. Whether you ever fully forgive me or not is not something I would ever... hope to dream for. I know... how much you were hurt and the day you could, would be the day I deserved it.” Emphasizing his distress over her suffering, Jack places his hand to his heart as he tells her he should be the one to apologize. “You are truly... one of the best people I have ever known. If I can receive your forgiveness, it's because I finally earned it."

 

Looking back at him with teary eyes, she knows she can offer him some well deserved praise. "Well, there's one thing you have absolutely earned and that is my gratitude, my thanks for bringing Steve back." Jack shook his head back at her, but Kayla stopped him and continued on. "No Jack, if it wasn't for you, we never would have gotten him back."

 

Trying to blow off his involvement, he shrugs at her, downplaying his good deed. "Me? Hey, I just happen to be dying at the right place... at the right time."

 

"Stop it. Don't joke about like that. You gave him back to me. You gave him back his family. It's not, nothing. It's everything." A few tears fell, followed by several friends as Jack looks around for the box of tissues and hands it over to Kayla.

 

Making funny gestures with his hand, he watches as she takes several tissues and dries her tears. "Look at you crying there, getting all red nosed and puffy eyes... I mean I don't know if you’re happy or mad at me again. Good thing Steve's not here, or he just may rough me up...for all times sake."

 

"I'm happy. You can be certain, I am very happy and it's all because of you."

 

Blowing a breath out, he stands and plays with the lampshade by the chair. "Well consider it a present, from Happy-Jack, Billy-Jack Deveraux, Johnson.... I'm happy too for the two of you... I mean... the three of you cause Stephanie's happy too, and Jo of course... and Adrienne, and I guess... for me also." He fiddles with the lampshade until a snap is heard and it stumbles off on its side. "Oh... sorry Kayla... I think I just need to put it back here on this clip... " Forcing the metal rim back, it breaks even more, as Kayla stands it takes it from him. "Um right. I'll ...pick up another one of those this afternoon."

 

"Don't worry about it."

 

Shrugging his shoulders at her, he suggests using some tape for now until he could get a replacement. "You know what, maybe I could go and visit Steve down at the station... see if he's arrested anyone... or if he's putting someone in jail and... come to think of it… maybe that's not a good idea. I'd probably bother him when he trying to work. Okay, I'd better get going then before I break something else. I'll drop by later with the new shade, so just... hold off on using that lamp..."

 

Walking up to him, she holds on to his arms as she gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Jack."

 

"I take it you're not talking about the lamp... no I didn't think so." He asked her as she shook her head in response. Letting the smile grow, he shyly grins back at her. He looks around him, then down at her, nodding in agreement. "It feels good... to have done something right. I hope Steve feels the same."

 

Laughing a little at his unease, she assured him everything was just fine. "He knows. And it won't be long before he tells you that."

 

 

**********

 

 

 

The mess Shawn did of the garage took Max a couple of weeks to clear up, but with Jack there, he feared another disaster to strike if he wasn’t careful. Paying a visit to Abby, he had wanted to see her at work and dropped by unannounced one morning. Busy taking care of a customer’s call, Abby was preoccupied while Jack wondered around and amused himself under the hood of one of the cars being worked on. The sparks he set off should have been the first sign that something was wrong. If he just followed his gut instinct, he would have stopped instead of going to the next level and forced a grinding noise to be emitted before all eyes and hands turned to him.

 

Peeking up from beneath the hood, Jack smiled back at everyone, while hastily dropping the wrench to the ground and kicking it under the car. Steve walked over and grabbed at his arm, pulling him away. “Get out from there before you do some serious damage.”

 

He and Stephanie had been at the garage for a while as Max was showing them the half finished car he had been rebuilding. When Jack came by, he mentioned wanting to talk to Steve about some things. Telling him to hold tight for a few minutes, Steve spoke to Max, offering help if he needed it before Jack’s nibble fingers and nosey instincts got him in trouble again.

 

“Can’t you stay out of trouble?” Steve hauled him over as Jack protested his innocence.

 

“Me? Come on… I live for danger.”

 

“Right! Well, Max told me to get you out of here, so grab your boots and lets get going.”

 

“Okay. Let me just say goodbye to Abby…”

 

“Don’t bother. She knows you’re leaving with me.” As Steve pulls him to the door, Jack turns in time to yell out a quick goodbye before they walk out the door and drive off. Abby apologies to Max about her dad, but he just mumbles under his breath and goes back to his work. Stephanie raises her eyebrows and shrugs her shoulders at her, as Abby goes back to the office to continue her work.

 

 

 

 

Reaching the riverfront, Jack parks the car as Steve gets out and walks down the steps to the pier. Jack follows and looks cautiously around them. Seeing that they are all alone, he questions Steve as to his choice of location. “Say… you’re not thinking of tossing me in there… “He says, pointing to the water. “… cause I don’t do good in freezing water. Call me crazy, but I’ve been there, done that already…”

 

“Don’t give me any ideas Jack.” Steve cautions him as he takes a seat on one of the crates. “So did Kayla put you up to this?”

 

“What? Kayla? No! No, I… well I just thought we could talk… you know since I’m here… and you’re here, and we’re both here together… Don’t you think it’s better if we went indoors somewhere… nah!” Seeing the exasperated look on Steve’s face, Jack reconsidered his option and takes a seat next to him. “Never mind. This place will do. Good choice…”

 

Shaking his head, Steve lets out a small laugh as Jack returns a few nervous chuckles at him. “Billy-Jack, You never change.”

 

“Change? Of course I have. I’m a new man! Just ask Jennifer or anyone at the London office. This is the new and improved Jack Deveraux.”

 

“Great.” Steve sighed. “You’re a new Jack and I’m still the same old Steve.”

 

“Well that’s not true, I mean you’ve got a different haircut there and I know that’s not the same jacket you used to have… but that’s not what you’re talking about. Got it. “ Nodding at his mistake, Jack tries a different approach. “You know, change isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes staying the same is a better idea. Course… you haven’t really tried yet… I mean, you just need more time to get back into things…”

 

“More time?”

 

“Yeah. Take it from me. I’ve been through this three, four… eight times already and… it does get easier.”

 

“I don’t plan on dying and coming back from the dead again anytime in the near future.” Steve reminded him. “Once is more than enough for me.”

 

“All right, bad choice of words… I just wanted to say that… it was always hard to start again. But once you do, it does get easier.”

 

Getting to his feet, Steve suddenly walks over the railing and looks down into the water. He concentrates on the waves and mist, almost lost in thought before turning back around. “But how did you cope?” Steve asked him. “How were you able to get through the daily reminders of what you missed?”

 

“I didn’t. To be truthful, I didn’t let myself think about any of it. I know it’s a coward’s answer… but I knew if I kept on focusing on everything I lost out on, it would have driven me crazy… so I just stopped thinking about it.”

 

Sadly looking back at him, Steve frowns and sits himself back on the crate. Taking a deep breath, he cups his hands to his face and blows at them and feels the slight warmth on his fingers. Turning to his brother, Steve looks him straight in the eye and admits, it hasn’t been that easy for him at all. “I can’t stop. I can’t let go of any of it. Everyday, it’s eating me up inside that I haven’t been there for Kayla and Stephanie… It’s just been so many years. I don’t know how to feel… not guilty about any of it.”

 

“I guess that the difference between us in all of this.”

 

“What difference? What are you talking about?” Steve questions him.

 

“I walked away. I chose to walk out on my life and created all this… pain. But you… you were forced to give it up. You never would have left. Never.”

 

Remembering the years after Steve’s death, Jack mentions how lost and confused he was for a time. Even several years later, he thinks his life would have been different if Steve had been around. “You know… I really did miss you. I know I said that already when I found you in the hospital, but I did. Sometimes… I think… if only Steve had been around to keep me in place, to kick my butt if I messed up again, maybe I wouldn’t have done half the things I did. Maybe I would have been as much of screw up if Steve was there…”

 

“I doubt I was the best candidate for that. I haven’t exactly had the perfect life you know.”

 

“No. You’re wrong. All the hardships you’ve endured were done to you. You didn’t choose to be put up for adoption. You didn’t choose to have your eye put out. You didn’t choose to have… someone like me for a brother, but you dealt with all of that. No matter what they threw at you, you always came up on top… like you’ve done now.” Laughing to himself, he mentions how Jo always told him how proud she was of Steve. “Jo praised you so much… as someone I should look up to.”

 

“Yeah, well Jo said a lot of things. And anyway, she was proud of you too. You were always her precious baby, Billy.”

 

“I was Billy… but you… you were Stevie, and Stevie always had the answers. I was just the baby, but you… you were her little boy.”

 

Feeling the tears welling up in his eye, Steve faced his brother again. “So what do I do? What am I suppose to do now? I don’t have any answers, Billy-Jack.”

 

For several minutes the silence hovered over them as the sounds of the waves hitting up against the wood planks where heard. The chilly winter winds blew at them, and Jack shivered as he pulled his coat tighter around him. Steve was staring off at the water, his hands tucked inside his leather jacket, his face stamped with the sadness the gripped his heart.

 

“What you have wished for… has been granted to you, and… what you have rejected… has also been granted to you.” Giving a small smile, Jack relates the source of his wise prose. “Saw that in movie somewhere… you know how I love quoting stuff like that… sorry. I… I just… well I really don’t have any answers. I… just accepted what was given back to me and… I never looked back. I’ve got Jennifer and Abby and JJ in my life… so what else is there? I have it all, so I don’t ask myself the question, how and why. I just take what’s been granted to me… no more questions asked.”

 

Searching his face, Steve looks at Jack as though trying to read his thoughts. Considering that what he said made sense somehow, it made him both relieved and worried at the same the same time.

 

“Kayla had a miscarriage a few weeks ago.” Steve told him.

 

Jack looked surprised at the sudden revelation and was sad at the unhappy news. “I’m sorry Steve. I didn’t know.”

 

“Stephanie mentioned that Kayla talked about the… baby as though she knew it would be a boy. She had a name picked out too. Marcus Johnson. Marcus…” He repeated with a deep sigh. “I think Homey would have been proud to have a namesake. Who knows, maybe he could have grown up to be a doctor too, like Marcus… and Kayla.”

 

“You know… it can still happen. Look at Jennifer and I, we have JJ and that’s a real miracle. Whose to say you won’t have a son some day.” Scrunching up his face, Jack bites at his lower lip before stating the obvious. “But if you don’t… would it really matter? Would it change anything if it were just you and Kayla from now on? You’ve got your wife. You’ve got your daughter. You’re back home. It’s been given back to you. Your wish has been granted. Just take it! Take it and never let go.”

 

Turning back to him, Steve takes his time, smiling leisurely before answering. “You know Jackson, you’re pretty smart when you want to be.”

 

“You see! I told you I’ve changed.”

 

Rolling his eye at him, he nods back. “It’s good advice. Now I just have to follow it.”

 

“You know what they say, the first step is always the hardest, but the next time… “ Jack tells him, snapping his fingers. “…Piece of cake!”