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Past Journals

Obsession, regression:
 

it's hard to let go
of your first love
when all that you've known
is all you've dreamed of

impossible to even think
when your heart's in pain
hard to find any link
when it's left in chains

no way to see the sun
when the darkness prevails
there's nowhere to run
to escape your own wails

but this feeling won't last
and i'll be happy again
no way it will come fast
but it's not 'if,' but 'when'

but right now:
it's hard to let go
of your first love
when all taht you've known
is all you've dreamed of.
----------
 

i've tried with you like no other
i gave of myself like i never would
and for those moments, we were lovers
and gave into emotion like i never could.
----------
 

so many reasons to be CONTENT:

my FAMILY surrounds me
my FRIENDS ground me
my BRAIN is educated
my BODY fluctuated
my CAR is fast
i've forgotten my PAST
my STOMACH never wants
many REGRETS don't really haunt
NOT addicted to drugs
no problem finding HUGS
my presence is LOVED
my SUPPORT is enough
my SMILE is soooo white
my FUTURE quite bright

but i don't want to be CONTENT
and NOT to sound bratty,
but all that's NOT worth one cent
if i cannot be HAPPY.
----------
 

no one really knows
how i'm feeling right now
i try to write through my woes
because i don't really know how

it's all so new for me
to be sad at the end
when they would do for me
and i wouldn't bend

they came running at the thought
of me not being around
they were the ones to be wrought
not the other way 'round

i had the upper hand
i dictated the feeling
they couldn't understand
they did the healing

lucky, --------
that's how i saw myself
FUCK, --------
just get over yourself!
----------
 

i love you, -------
and i still want you
but this cycle
just won't do

i need to change
if i want a chance
understand your range
enhance

be patient and live
have faith, but be smart
take some, but give
don't be afraid to start

dude, easier said than done
when all i want is to share forever
and neither of us has won
because we're not together
----------
 

words that rhyme
is all i can do
to fill my time
until i'm with you
----------
 

don't regret
don't let me go
don't forget
don't let me go
don't lose me
don't let me go
don't abuse me
don't let me go
don't let me go
because you know
how precious you feel
because this is real.
----------
 

i threw you all my charms
tired my very best
held wide open my arms
held you to my chest

but still i find myself here
in a lonely room filled with violence
but the thought of you there
fills me with silence

a stillness in the air,
a bright, starry night
overcome some despair
but inside, a fight:

feelings of love and of hate
clash like plaids and stripes
feelings of go on and wait
are of different and the same type

i don't know what to do for you
that i haven't already done
i want you to want me, too
i want to be your sun

i feel like your moon tonight
with no light of my own
waiting for you to make it right
when i know this fight is my own.
----------
 

i just want to be with you
and if you want the same
nothing can hold us back

i know you love me, too
and what a great shame
if each other is what we lack

fuck, sure, we're so far away
but if our hearts are close together
distance means little

you said there was "a way
to be a part of our lives forever"
if we met in the middle

meet me there, baby
and then one day, just maybe,
we'll be ready to show
and you'll be happy, i know
just give us a chance to love
and we'll go from enchance to love.

TOP

I'm visiting some family and friends in Central and Southern California this weekend.  I left this afternoon and arrived in Santa Barbara a few hours later.  It's a beautiful drive-- along the coast some of the way.  I stopped at one of the state beaches and just sat.  My life's been tougher than usual the past month, but I suppose I'm lucky that I have the opportunities to take this time off and get away from the problems.  They're still waiting for me at home, for sure, but this weekend, I'll leave them behind and simply have fun.  What else can I do?

"I think you're so mean; I think we should try; I think I could need this in my life; I think I'm just scared, I think too much; I know this is wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing.  If you're gone, maybe it's time to go home.  There's an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move.  If you're gone, baby you need to come home.  'Cause there's a little bit of "something me" in 'everything in you.'"  -RT, 2000.

TOP

I don't know what's in store for me
And maybe it's better that way
I just see what's slightly before me
And only pray for the better day

I mustn't think of the bad stuff
But cannot only relish in the good
It's life and I know it's tough
Not like in Hollywood

There are ups and downs
And side to sides
I'll see big cities and little towns
Walk, run, crawl, and drive

I'll be unhappy and bask in ecstasy
Cry rivers and smile poems
Live awfully and dream fantasy
Leave rooms and find homes

I'll make love and feel hate
Doing more than just cope
Knowing there's a perfect mate
And through it all I'll have hope.

TOP

It's been a while since I added to this journal.  I actually haven't been doing too much writing.  I wrote the August 24th entry, but never had the time to post it.  Even though some stuff has changed, I thought I'd post it anyway.

What an awesome couple of months it's been.  I can honestly say I've run the emotional spectrum, for the first time in my life.  And I wouldn't change it for the world-- well, some things, but it's life-- and it's wonderful.

It's funny, though, for the first time in my life, I'm scared.  I'm basically out of school and ready to start a job... a real, full-time job... ready to be away from home, be away from my family, my old friends... you know, familiar stuff.  And I have great control over those things.  But one thing I can't have control over is some one else.  And that scares me.
 

Everyone tells me to keep my head high
I just want to ask, 'Why?'
Can't I be sad and feel sorry for myself?
Just for a little while to need no one's help.

And just cry and remember and lose that part
Of me that wanted so much of his heart
That didn't get it and though there's still hope,
Just give me a little bit of that rope

To hang those dreams and the dreamer
And do it all with a hint of humor
Never to take myself so seriously
Even in this time of dreaming deliriously

Knowing that a smile will soon take its place
Where a grimace has taken over this face
Knowing the sun will rise and the moon will leave
Best of all, knowing that I still believe.

"You say it doesn't matter; Then tell me, what does?  And why that isn't what you've been thinking of?  You say it's never easy; Then tell me what was?  Is it never worth the pain?  Could you believe it was?  When life keeps living, that's what life keeps giving to us."

TOP

It's been an awesome time for me: I've fallen in love.  And as premature as it is, it feels right and wonderful and natural and exciting and hopeful and fun and beautiful.  I think about this person as much as I think about myself-- which is saying quite a lot.  =)  But this person is worthy of this attention.  So wonderful.  Just a thought sends chills down my spine and a sight sends chills some place else.  Ahhh.  It's amazing.  I'm in love, baby.
 

No words can express this wonder,
This spell you've put me under,
This amazement that's knocked me out
Beyond any reasonable doubt.

No music can tune into this wave
Or explain this need to rave
And to listen to your voice
Makes it such an easy choice.

Can you keep a secret?

TOP

Thank God.