[11/26/99][12/4/99][12/13/99][12/28/99][12/30/99][1/2/00][1/13/00][3/1/00][3/3/00][3/4/00][3/19/00][4/11/00][4/12/00][4/26/00] [5/9/00][7/15/00]
[Go to Journal, Part 1]

Summer is going well.  I'm teaching a class and it's a little frustrating, but I'll survive.  It's almost done and I have a profound, newfound respect for teaching professionals!  They have a tough job.  Bravo!

"So let your walls come down and you'll feel my emotion.  I will shelter you from a tear or an ocean."  -AN, 1996

moments aplenty this afternoon
as i sat on a windy Santa Cruz beach
thinking of my next step
and reworking my five-year

a deep sigh and a crooked smile
accompany an eager look
into the future with only my skill
and a little luck

i’m graduating and leaving the old
not knowing what will be the new
only hoping it’ll all turn out well
but knowing it’ll be a struggle uphill

but i’m up for the challenge
of more of the real world
than i’ve ever had to deal
oh, what an exciting time for me

very scary as well
as i come to terms with who i am
and who i’m not
and what i want and what i don’t

my parents are so happy for me
as they have always tried to be
but this time i know they are sincere
and only want what is right for me

but who knows what that is
god knows, i don’t
but i’m willing to find out
and make mistakes and wrong turns

i’ll find my way
and be happy along the way
with support,
with love.
-------------------
 

I’m not one to give in so easily
Even when I walk around tipsily
But for reason or emotion
I’ve parted this guilt ocean
And walked straight through
Where I’ve met a great You
Who has every reason to be
Altogether picky and choosy
Who could discriminate among
All who want the tongue
But he’s given me a chance
To share at least part of the dance
And see where this all goes
And venture into “no one knows.”
-------------------
 

tonight
a phone call will not erase
blight
as seen on a sullen face…

you screwed me so
you fuckin’ dick
you let me go
with a swift kick

sometimes i sit solo
in a dark empty room
my spirits so low
in a feeling of gloom

my stolen heart beats faster
since you left
you unfeeling bastard
charged with theft

never so emotional
until i met you, ben
ever so rational
until i let you win

but, still, the future is rosy
as i turn my back
and return to cozy
and not what i lack

…though i still think of you
i could never forgive
and with a blink or two
i'll just go on and live.
-------------------
 

never want to be an afterthought
or a laborious chore
won’t just sit and rot
or be thought of as a bore

i'm stronger than that
i’ve always been
never the doormat
i’ll always win.
-------------------
 

can i admit to myself that i want what i want?
and not have this guilt be a forever haunt

will i let myself feel what i want to feel?
and not have to be this unbroken wheel

admit that i have weakness and faults?
made not only of sweet sugars, but of grainy salts

be able to breathe in times of uncertainty?
not have to control all and just let it be

admit that i live in constant fear?
of failure and a mother’s tear.

TOP

Spring Break rocked.  I went with some buds to Havasu.  Spent a few days drifting on a houseboat and did too much drinking.  Alcohol is evil!

But the last few days were beyond words. 

TOP

Oh, man, I’m so mixed with frustration
And some other kind of emotion
That I can’t really put into words
Which is strange since I’m such a nerd

It’s definite, you know, sadness
But I’ve been happy even when I had less
It’s, of course, ego shattering
When all others have been ego flattering

But this one I really wanted to last
Unlike many I’ve had in the past
And him saying no to me
Saying… Woah… to me?

It’s hard for me to admit
That more than I could swallow I bit
By asking for just a little more
But being shown the exit door

I’m wallowing in self-pity
With no reaction from the City
Not knowing what to do next
With no prospect of regular sex.
-------------------
 

My heart calls out to you
But you do not hear
Ready to reveal doubt to you
But you are far from near

Why have you forsaken me?
In my time of need
Can I not awaken thee?
To perform a simple deed

My hands reach out to you
But you do not cross the rift
What’s friendship about to you?
But a taking of my gifts

Why do you not care for me?
In my weakest time
Do you even dare to be?
Reader of my bleakest rhyme

My eyes look out to you
In this jaded scene
Share my route to you
And all that I’ve seen.
-------------------
 

I was half hoping to hear from you tonight
Just because my worries fall from sight
When I’m joking with you regarding it all
Without the need of guarding it all

I can be weak with you and that is partial exhale
I can show that side without watching you bale
My stoic face need not be plastered
Though, through my life, it’s something I’ve mastered

And to hear you laugh and be serious
And back from bookish to delirious
While I watch my friends grow ever clinical
Is refreshing as I grow ever cynical.

TOP

I want to be completely loved
And I want to be love completely
Release, I want it to come
And I want it to come sweetly

I would finally exhale,
Not have hold it inside
To love and all that entails
With no rules by which to abide

Just be swept away
By its splendor and grace
Live each and every day
For the smile of just one face

That of a friend
That of a lover
Whose arms will never end
And who’ll love me forever.
-------------------
 

We never said, ‘forever’
Never even said, ‘together’
But now as we part ways
I look back to those days
And ask why we never
Even wanted together?
-------------------
 

I saw the world from atop a hill
And with that view I could see
The world isn’t at my free will
For all I control is me.
-------------------
 

When the world chews you up
And spits you out
When your patience is used up
And you’re filled with self-doubt,
What do you do?

When the friends you’ve known
Crash and burn
When the support you’ve shown
Is not returned,
What do you do?

When all you can see
Is darkness and gloom
When all you can feel
Is the emptiness of the room,
What do you do?

I do not know
And that scares me.
I do not know
And that scares me.
-------------------
 

I feel all alone
And the silence is proof
Until the ring of the phone
And it’s you, you weird goof.

I mean that in all kindness
As you’ve geared to me
Even through some sense of blindness
But it’s not weird to me.

You’re such the man
Even if you can’t drive stick
While my sister can
Talking with you is still such the kick!

And I feel a little better,
I really do.
On my way to red letter--
Because of you?
-------------------
 

My weak self has taken over
And I’m a mess of emotion
I feel faint, though I’m totally sober
In need of devotion

So I’ll pray tonight
And be one with Him
Walk with the light
And against the dim

Ask for His advice
From his omnipotent seat
Knowing He’s always right
Unlike He of heat

That’s always the way:
I run into His arms
At the end of the day
 When I’ve felt society’s harms.
-------------------
 

Life is not fair
The good aren’t always rewarded
That’s actually rare
While deceit is awarded

Life is not fair
I’ve discovered slowly
Some do not care
I’ve accepted wholly

Life is not fair
And though it’s the case
My ideals show no wear
And no sense of haste.
-------------------
 

It’ll happen some day
When I don’t expect it
In some obscure way
When I can’t direct it

It’ll be a surprise
When I’m one of the crowd
In this person’s eyes
I’ll be beyond loud

It’ll appear out of the blue
When all I see is red
I’ll have no clue
When nothing’s said

It’ll spark something inside
When my flint is worn
I’ll have little in mind
When love is born.

TOP

there's a reason for all relation
whether for sadness or elation
and every person has an effect
whether positive or a defect

there have been many good, many bad
but i cannot regret times i've had
because they've helped to define my being:
my feeling, hearing, tasting, seeing.

and i know you've been here and around
living your life, both up and way down
and i don't want you to forget that
though we go front, don't you forget back

the reason of you is yet to show
but if my gut's right, i think i know
and elation pales to the feeling
i'll feel with our souls finally healing.
-------------------
 

the sky's the limit (for b 3/19/00 457am)

it's all about the future, baby
that's the way i see my life right now
and though it's all a cloud of maybe
i'm thinking it will be good some how

if you are a part of it, then great!
we'll build our castle in the blue sky
but even if and when the sky's gray
we'll still be on that cloud flying high.

TOP

I'm filled with so much rage
It's time to turn this page
I put trust in a place
That has shown zero grace
The words wasted my best
I wish for it now, rest.

I will go on and live
Grateful that I can give
And love and feel and share
And hope and wish and care
While being good and true
Feeling born-again new.

TOP

Just a slight entry this early morning...

Yesterday was a bad day.  I'm usually very calm and mellow.  Today was an exception to that rule.  Almost every second I was tried.

From getting up late and missing a midterm to sitting in Silicon Valley traffic for two and half hours without a radio, it was a bad day.  I've decided to get up extra early this morning to make up for yesterday.

And to the woman who shoved me last night after Sharks game at the Arena, your "boyfriend" asked me for my e-mail address while you were visited the "powder room" for the fifteenth time.

Woke up about twenty minutes late
Couldn't get up on this date
Rushed to get dressed
Didn't even bother to get tressed

But I was going to salvage this sun
Like I have always done
And make the best of it
Not just the rest of it:

I sought to change the world today
Instead I fought to find any way
I went to put on a happy face
But instead a frown took its place

I ended it early last night
And at the dawn's early light
I started again to find that face
And begin to run this lifelong race.

"Laugh and cry.  Live and die.  Life is a dream we are dreaming.  Day by day I find my way.  Look for the soul and the meaning." -WJ, 1999.

TOP

I've been thinking about a lot of the people that have enriched my life, and others who have en"poor"ed it.  I'm in a mood and I need to write...
 

Hope, Pleasure

My eyes see hope and pleasure
I smile because of this:
A gauge by which to measure
The severity of your kiss.

And in your eyes I see
Your need for my touch
Your hopes, pleasures are me
And I want to give you such.

Our love has been fated,
God says we will,
It's for all I've waited
The lonely me, I kill.

A loneliness not of people
But of feeling
But in your embrace, like a steeple,
My soul is healing.

I may still have fear
Of the person I'll be
But as long as you're here
I'll love all of me.

So, thank you for your arms
And your delicate words
That shelter me from harm
And the hateful herds.
-------------------

Catholic School

Hide the way you feel,
Don't share what you think,
Tighten the seal,
Let the feelings sink,
Don't show who you are,
Let others know little,
Be like a distant star,
But never really twinkle.
-------------------

Above or Below

Loving you was worth the trouble
For the pleasure, the pain I'd double.
No one knew me you you did.
Nothing from you I hid.
I loved you so completely.
You affected my life so deeply.
But now you're out of it for good.
Now pain has covered me like a hood
So completely, I cannot think.
Into the depths of hell I'll sink
If you don't return my love
I'll never see you from above,
Just look up to your feet
While feeling the devil's heat.
-------------------

First Love

Every word I write
Every tree in sight
Every song I hear
Everyone that's dear
Remind me of you.

Your eyes so dark blue
Your voice sweet and slight
Your form the right height
Hands as soft as feathers
Crazy like the weather
A smiles as white as snow
As gentle as a doe
Hair like golden sun
I know you're the one.
-------------------

Popular

Each and every day
I feel it all slipping away
Though I try to deny it,
There's no use hiding it.
-------------------

Pretension

I'm just being me
Not trying to impress

I'm not what you see
Definitely not how I dress

There's so much more
Than the superficial

Search deep within my core
You'll find someone special

Not the car I drive
Or the cash in my wallet

Not the house I reside
Or how ever you call it

I'm just a young man
With so much to give

Naked to your hand
Just trying to live.
-------------------

More

I should be high
On life and in love
Feel I could touch the sky
Why is that not enough?
-------------------

Love Poem #149

I'm sorry I'm happy
To be with you
I don't feel crappy
When I'm with you

Your smile lights mine
Your kiss is so sweet
I want you all the time
You make me complete.
-------------------

Will, So Will You

I've been alone,
Sad to the bone,
I've had no friends,
Wishing it would end,
I know sorrow,
Hoping for no tomorrow,
I know sadness,
Near madness,
I've been down,
Shown only a frown,
Been without,
Filled with doubt,
But I've made it through
And so will you.
-------------------

Fly

My heart flutters when you grow near
And flies when you are here
It soars with anticipation
And floats upon fruition

My hands touch you there
When your body is bare
They caress your skin
And touch pleasure's sin

My lips moisten and tremble
As they kiss your lips so supple
They feel their way, everything,
Never having to say anything

Your body was my fantasy
But now it has become reality
And with this day and night
My heart knows its way in flight.

"I can feel you breathe; it's washing over me.  Suddenly I'm melting into you." -HL, SB, 1999.

TOP

Blah.

New Year's Eve is one of favorite days of the year, but since I've discovered the joy/curse of alcohol I've never had an enjoyable January 1st.  And even though this New Year's Eve was the best yet, even that couldn't save this first day of the 00's.

First off, the concert was awesome!  I don't think I've ever experienced a cultural event as perfect as this concert!  There were a few technical glitches, but nothing could overpower the splendor of Celine's voice.  It was in top shape last night and CDs could not match the quality of her voice.  I could go on and on and on...  =)

Montreal is such a beautiful city!  We stayed at a really nice hotel and upon arrival, we were greeted with four, huge bottles of champagne.  In less than two hours they were pretty much emptied and we were ready to start our Y2K celebrations!

Granted, the crowd of a Celine Dion concert isn't exactly like partying with Austin Powers, but the our little group met up with some fun people in the hotel and we brought our party to the Molson Centre.  I met the nicest guy in that group.  Stud from Toronto.  Yummy... =)

Anyway, the concert was cool and the fireworks were awesome.  (I love fireworks!)  Back at the hotel, we snuck into the party that was being held in the ballroom and partied another four hours.  By six, I was passed out in my room, while my steadfast traveling companions were still at it with our newfound buds.  I woke up fifteen minutes before check-out time and practically had to fog-horn my roommates to get them up.  And that really didn't help the raging hangover I still have.  =(  The evils of alcohol I well know.  Why do I still drink??  The evil of alcohol.

Anyway, our flight left pretty late, so we had a few hours to kill.  Unfortunately, my traveling buds were as groggy as I was, so we vegged at the airport and watched the people go by.  What a waste!  Bad day.

The flight was okay, but the flight attendant wasn't too sympathetic to our condition and spoke with the loudest voice I've ever heard.  Annoying woman!

So, January 1, 2000 wasted.  I was in a foreign city that I'd never even thought about visiting and all I could do was hang out at the airport.  Pity.

Well, hopefully the next 364 days will be a little more exciting.  Heck, I know New Year's Eve will be, so that'll be good.  =)

I'll miss you, Celine.  Sing again soon.  "Ce n'etait qu'un reve..." -TD, JD, CD, 1980.

TOP

Another year has gone by
Like so many before
Another year to bid, "Good-bye"
Here's to many, many more

I'd live it through again
It's been quite the ride
From all alone to Ben
From "out" back to hide

It's been an uphill climb
And a downward spin
From words that rhyme
To actions of sin

From sad death and joyous rebirth
To an iron-clad pact
Not to leave this green earth
Without leaving my lasting impact

From the serious
Loss of flesh and friend
To the hilarious
Loss of hurt to mend

It's been a fun-ass year
And a long-ass mile
I've shed many-a-tear
And flashed many-a-smile

I lived on my own
Just for a little while
But I moved back home
But did it in style

I've partied like it was 1999
I've cried like a stupid little boy
In the end it turned out quite fine
Plus a new $40,000 driving toy  =)

Oh, the irony of my life
I'm simple, yet not
Will I ever take a wife?
Will this kitchen get too hot?

And goals are being written
For the year two, zero, zero, zero:
Not to be around too much just sittin'
For me to be my own hero

On my list they're quite high
And not to mention,
Will pigs learn to fly
Before graduation?

Questions to ponder next year
And beyond
But for now I'll have my next beer
And party with Celine Dion.

Happy New Year everybody!

TOP

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  =)  What a month this has been.  Thank goodness it's almost over.

Finals were hard and long and boring and overly-challenging, but I survived and I'm still waiting for those grades.  GPA going down.  No stress, though.  I'm actually missing school, but since I'm not quite a college graduate, I'll be back soon enough.  Geez, I've been a senior for three semesters.  What is wrong with me?

I went skiing a couple of times since my last entry.  It's always fun, but I find it takes me a couple of days to recover, so I'll probably sit out the rest of the season.  And, brrrr, snow is sure cold.  =)

Ben and I are still seeing each other.  It's been a couple of months, but it's still fresh, exciting, and stimulating.  Every day I learn something new about him and I reveal something different about myself that he didn't know.  I think this is "romance" and maybe a little "falling in love?"  I can't wait until tomorrow.

New Year's Eve is set, baby!  Though I don't leave for Montreal until that morning and I'll probably get lost on the way to the hotel and maybe lose some baggage or misplace my tickets, I'm sure it'll be awesome.  I'm going with three old friends of mine with whom I've spent the past seven New Year's Eves.  We always imagined what this night would be like and how our lives would be.  Though one bud isn't playing for the Warriors (though they could probably use him this season), another isn't hosting her own daytime talk show, the other isn't flying jets, and I'm not writing for the New York Times, being together is probably enough.  Celine, along with the alcohol are super bonuses.  =)

As for Christmas, I can't say enough.  It was the most wonderful holiday I've ever experienced.  It wasn't perfect in every way, but it was in so many.  This year's been a hard one and I must admit I tried extra hard to make this Christmas all it could be.  And it paid off.

My family and I spent Christmas Eve together for the first time in years.  Usually, my parents and I would be traveling and my siblings would be with their respective in-laws.  But this year, since my father has been traveling for the better part of this year, we all decided to stay home.  It was so nice to see everyone home, especially my dad.  Though he had to rush back overseas on Christmas Day, his short time home was quality.

For as long as I can remember the gifts under the tree defined Christmas for me.  I understood what it was all about and the significance of the holiday, but that all paled in comparison to my need for stuff, stuff, and more stuff.  But all of the sudden the presents didn't matter at all this year, though, through the grace of God, they were plentiful again.  Maybe that's a sign that I'm actually growing up?  But to show that Christmas is still an exciting holiday, my young nieces went crazy over each and every package they opened and that was enough "commercial" joy for us all.

Sitting around the dinner table while the fifteen of us ate and talked and laughed and cried, I couldn't help but be thankful.  My life's not perfect, far from it, but times like these, every petty little issue and conflict in my life disappear and what really matters comes into focus.  Christmas Eve was filled with those moments-- at the dinner table, around the tree, hand making our traditional last ornaments (this year with the help of a computer), watching the fireplace, watching our movie, in the kitchen preparing for the feast, even around the sink cleaning up.

Sure, I would have loved to have had Ben celebrate with my family and there were still the little arguments about loud chewing, misbehaving kids, a messy living room, who would clean it up, and which movie to watch afterwards, but in the end...

"It's a Wonderful Life."

TOP

Okay, finals week is here.  I've been dreading this since the beginning of the semester and now that I'm in the middle of it, it's worse than I ever imagined.  Urgh.  But, I'll survive, I always do.  Wish me luck.

I finally received my Celine tickets in the mail for New Year's Eve.  How excited am I?!?!  I cannot wait.  Y2K can kiss my ass, nothing's going to stop from seeing her in concert one last time before her break.  More about this later.

I've been seeing a lot of Ben.  It's a different kind of relationship for me.  Not that I'm a genius in any stretch of the imagination, but I've always dated guys that, well, let's say, have been... um... well, how about... not as smart as me?  =)  It's never been a conscious thing, that I actually try to find guys that are not as smart as me (geez, that sounds lame....), but that's the way it's worked out.  Maybe you have to be stupid to date me???  =)  One guy, oh, wow, was just beautiful, but so very "unsmart."  I would look at him and half the time I couldn't believe some of the things that came out of his mouth.  But, still, just gorgeous!

Now, with Ben, there's a challenge, intellectually.  And it's awesome!  We talk about stuff that I like to talk about, without having to "dumb it down" at all!  It feels so great not having to stroke someone's intellect.

Anyway, he's cool and we'll see where it goes....

All the way.

TOP

Just a quick entry this morning.  I'm beat.

I met Ben at my Halloween party.  He showed up with some of my Santa Clara friends, an old boyfriend included, that I hadn't seen in months.  Wow!  Instant attraction, on my part, at least.  We spent some time together that night, but with all the people walking in and out, all the little fires I had to put out (a couple literal ones, too), and me just acting like a happy host, we didn't really talk too much and I wished we could have gotten to know each other more.  So, the next week I made my way to the good ol' SCU campus.  To make a long story short, two blocks away from campus, I ran into Ben.  Sheer coincidence (yeah, right!).  Since then we've had lunch or dinner almost every day.  He's pretty awesome.

He's been following a case for one of his classes-- he's a law student-- and the case led him to Las Vegas.  He's been a couple of times already this term and he asked if I wanted to keep him company on his next trip, and his last for this class.  Jumping at the chance to spend time in Vegas, I said yes even before he had finished asking.

What a cool town Vegas is!  The lights!  The people!  The cute cops!  The computer in the hotel room!  The $78.50 I won!  The cute basketballer at the buffet!  Sin City, indeed.  I had gone earlier this year and it never gets old.  But being with Ben was extra special.  Though still in the dating phase, I was totally at ease with him, nothing to hide, nothing to prove.  He spent the days following his case and I explored with an old friend of mine who's been dealing cards since she graduated last spring.  The night's were awesome.... =)

We just arrived home this afternoon and I don't think either of us wanted this week to end, but it had to.  Lunch with Ben tomorrow.  G'd night everyone.  Take care.

"I said I'd never let nobody near my heart again.... I said I'd never let nobody in.  But, if you asked me to, I just might change my mind...." -DW, 1989.

TOP

Happy (day-after) Thanksgiving!  It's always been a good holiday and this year was no exception.  I'm not a big turkey fan, but just getting together with all my family (huge family!) and friends beats almost anything this world has to offer.

For me, Thanksgiving is the most traditional holiday.  We all start out watching the parade and hoping for a runaway balloon.  Football follows.

Actually, even before the big parade, my mom was up before the crack of dawn preparing and, though I offered to help a few times, I stayed out of her kitchen, letting her work her magic.  Awesome food-- just too much of it!  =)  My dad wasn't able to get home, but we hooked up the videophone that randomly appeared last weekend (the UPS guy was a hottie!).  It didn't work as well as we had hoped, but it was good to see him, even in delayed action.  He'll be home for my birthday, he promised.

My family had lunch together, as is tradition.  We're growing, so it was a crowded table this year, but, as I looked at each one of them, I was truly thankful.  Heck, even our dogs got to enter my mom's treasured dining room-- the only time in the whole year.  It's been a tough year and sitting at the Thanksgiving meal, knowing the year will soon be over, filled me with great joy and hope.  Nineteen-ninety-nine can kiss my ass.

Later, we traveled a whopping two blocks to my aunt and uncle's house for our big extended family Thanksgiving celebration.  This year my aunt went even further overboard and came to the door dressed as a pilgrim, a la Diane Chambers from my favorite episode of "Cheers," greeting us with a, "Gobble, gobble."  I nearly died on the floor laughing.  Luckily, that was the sentiment my festive aunt was expecting and joined in my family's laughter.  I usually half-dread these big get-togethers, just because having so many people together, the odds are something bad will happen.  This year was an exception and I only quarter-dreaded the occasion.  And to my pleasant surprise, it was nice.

For the past seven years, my friends and I have had our own Thanksgiving tradition: get so drunk we can barely recognize each other.  (I know, I know.  But when we were high school freshmen, we still thought getting drunk was beyond cool.)  Anyway, sadly, this tradition continued this year.  We've slowly moved from Blue Ribbon beer to the harder stuff throughout the years and this year, we hit an all-time high (or low, depends on your perspective, I suppose) and the mixed drinks were our weapons of choice.  Will we ever grow up?  I hope not.  =)

Ah, tradition.

"A million stars light this beautiful night.  This is not a night to die, let me sing and dance beneath the sky.  I have such love to give.  I want a chance to live." -TR, 1999.

TOP

Thank God.