| October 20, 2003 Hahaha!! This is funny...hilarious in fact. Brittney Gieslure wants to kick my ass. Not for calling her a bitch (she's mad about that too) but for posting MY email on MY webpage! Yes, the email Travis sent me (which I still have saved to my email account just in case you think I made it up) angered Brittney so much that she wants to beat me to a bloody pulp. Know why? Because Jillian read it. SO FUCKING WHAT?!?!?! I have told you people before, if you don't like what is said here don't fucking read it. This is my opinion. MINE-possesive adverb meaning "belonging to me", get it? The fact is, Travis DID send me that email. Period. If Jillian was so over all of this and was just going to let it lie, why did she read it? Why did she tell Brittney? Why is this still going on? Possibly because I put the email up, but I am NOT going to let this drop until people stop blaming me for the entire incident. I'm not going to try and say I wasn't in the wrong, because I was. But I sure as hell was not the only one. None of this would have happened if Jillian hadn't played with Travis' feelings all summer...I wouldn't've started talking to him again and he wouldn't've "fallen for" me. Travis didn't have to tell me his feelings about me. Especially not the same night I started dating his best friend. And I didn't have to tell Travis I felt the same way, I should've been more loyal to Jillian. No real excuses for that. But like I said...I might've done a few things wrong to cause this big, fucked up mess; but so did everyone else involved (with the exception of Brad). Amanda says (in her usual "let's fix everything so the world is sunshine and rainbows" way) that we should all sit and talk. Yeah fucking right. How about not? I have nothing to say to Jillian and I'm pretty sure she hasn't much to say to me. I don't really have much to say to Brittney except that if she wants to "kick my ass" because I called her a sensless petty name out of anger, and posted an email discussing a situation not pertaining to her in the least, go ahead. I sure as hell am not going to fight back. You are far from worth my energy and hitting me will only make you look more like the pathetic little egotiste you are. To Travis, I'd like to say a few choice words but would hold my tongue as there are still sores there...waiting to be ripped back open. So why talk? No point. We should all just shut the fuck up. Myself included. But I wont, not until everyone agrees to the same. I fight my battles with words, not fists. That will never change. And until I have no more reason to defend myself, I will keep talking. |
| October 29, 2003 I don't really have anything important to say...I just felt that I should make an entry. So here you go. Jillian sucks. Travis is a dick. You do the math. Haha, that was actually pretty clever... Yeah, he sent me another email. No need to detail it, he was simply stating that the email he sent me a while ago (the one that's posted on this page which is no longer accessible through the drawing page) meant nothing and I should have realized it. That's what I get for trusting people I guess. Whatever, I got my point across. Apparently I really pissed Jillian off. Considering that was partially my intention for putting the drawing and email up to begin with, I'd say Mission Accomplished. Made her cry and everything, and as I'm sure you can tell, my conscience is killing me. They deserve each other. Anyway, I had a really shitty day for no apparent reason, so I think I'll go make use of my razor blade. I may come back to update the quote and lyric pages, and I'm going to scan and post my OWN drawings. So THERE. Haha, later guys. (By guys I mean people I didn't piss off by writing this... and to those I did, sucks to be you. I'm not pissed, why should you be?) |
| October 31, 2003 Happy Halloween!!! I've really been working on my page in case you couldn't tell. I have a new index and home page, MY Drawings are up, new lyrics, new quotes, etcetra etcetra etcetra... As a McDonald's poster child would say "I'm loving it!" "And finally everything worked out just fine. Christmas was saved though there wasn't much time. But after that night, things were never the same. Each holiday now knew the other one's name! And though that one Christmas things got out of hand I'm still rather fond of that skeleton man. So, many years later I thought I'd drop in, and there was old Jack still looking quite thin. With four or five skeleton children at hand playing strange little tunes in their xylophone band. And I asked old Jack, 'Do you remeber the night when the sky was so dark and the moon shone so bright? When a million small children pretending to sleep, nearly didn't have Christmas at all so to speak? And would, if you could, turn that mighty clock back to that long fateful night, now think carefully Jack, would you do the whole thing all over again? Knowing what you know now, knowing what you knew then?' And he smiled like the old Pumpkin King that I knew then turned and asked softly of me: 'Wouldn't you?'" AH, I love that movie. I miss my recording of it. My mom's boyfriend recorded over it when I was 7 and I never spoke to him again. To this day, I wont talk to him. I was just discussing this with Justin, haha. I think The Nightmare Before Christmas is where I got my love of all things slightly morbid and terrifying. My mom didn't want me to watch it when it first came out, but I did and now look at me. Hahahaha!! Anyway, nothing else is really new. I'm planning on sitting at home tonight, possibly with some friends watching movies throwing candy at small children when they bother us, hehe. May you have a fun, hopefully intoxicating, and not at all safe Halloween!! |
| November 14, 2003 You say you still read this and you're waiting to see if I'm still pissed at you. You say you still read this because you want to see something about you...well here. It's all becase of you that I feel this way. I can't explain it, you'd have to be inside my head to understand...but it's all you. I see you almost everyday, but you either don't notice or pretend not to notice and I can't help thinking what would be going differently if you did see me see you? I've never subscribed to the idea that a person has one and only one "true love", I don't believe in soulmates. That's far too easy. To just know one day that this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with...it goes against human nature. We're inquizitive creatures; always wanting to know what else is out there, so I never thought twice about not thinking twice. Don't get me wrong, I believe in true love, just not that it only comes along once. But you...you made me wonder. You still do, to this day. "What if I meet the right one and screw it up?" Yeah. So I admit it, I played with the idea that you and I were meant to be together. But then...I don't need to recount the story...you know what happened and why. But still I ask myself, how can you find a person so absolutely perfect for you, in every way-from his thoughts on religion to his shoes...how can you find such a person and then find that you're not perfect for them? Not even really right for them?? Is it just me? Am I some freak who wont ever be perfect for anyone? Or do you simply love her and not me? God I wish I could let go of this. It's been over 6 months since we even last had a true conversation and I still get sick to my stomach when I see you. I miss you more than the dead misses breath, more than the flower misses spring rains in autumn, more than anyone can possibly imagine or comprehend and what hurts most is you don't notice. You were always so insightful and observant... what did I do that was so vile and horrible that made you not want to notice the grossly twisting knot in my stomach, and the lump in my throat that's ever harder to hold down...both of these visible on my face and you just don't see it. I guess I can't say I didn't deserve what I got, or didn't get in this case, but you make me wonder dearest. Oh how you make me think... I can only hope that one day I'll learn to let go like you did, flawlessly, effortlessly, gracefully, and without a single glance over your shoulder. Until then though, you will be my beautiful one. Nevermind the fact I'm so ugly to you. |