June 1998 
The Beginning		  August 1998
 Love		 October 1998 Life's experiences January 1999 Growth May 1999  Trust July 1999 Clearing The Past
January 2000 Millennium April 2000   Beliefs August 2000  Life October 2000 Enlightenment December 2000 Acceptance March 2001  Doubt?
July 2001  Free Will November 2001 Changing of Direction February 2002 Acceptance of Changes September 2002 Letter To Dad December 2002 Spiritual Energy March 2003 Deeper Love
           

These are my passed pages
 

 June 1998

In our lifetimes we seem to forget to have fun in the process of making living and the daily grind. We often overlook the things that are important in our lives our kids, family and even our own little    enjoyments. Life is not just working to achieve retirement but of learning to love to the fullest,  having wonderful friends that make us laugh, cry and enriching us, and even providing a listening ear. Somehow through time we seem to abuse some our friends to a point that we lose them  forever causing regret from knowing the special way they fulfill us and their kindness. From that point we spend time trying to fill a void that our friend filled in having them with us. There are also those who may not have had such a good friend that they can call a very dear friend. Then too there are those who have had a limited amount of friends and due to conditions that seem out of our control makes keeping in touch very hard to do.

 This medium they call the internet has allowed the whole world to come closer to us by allowing us to see it is a small world.  This method of meeting and communicating with other people can in so many ways form bonds very strong from learning about people from the inside. It soon causes these bonds that if and when people meet, cements the bonds into lasting friendships and am sure that it blooms into much more depending on the people involved. This bond is formed not from a physical appearance but an emotional, spiritual and philosophical point of view that is very deep inside ourselves. This is the type of friendship that we all would enjoy and treasure.  These special friends that are made, even though we may not ever get the chance to meet but it takes them no less special of a friend than one that lives down the street.

 From a perspective of being nearly 38 years old I am finding that the majority if not close to all of my friends my age are having the yearning of wanting more from life then merely surviving. Surrounding ourselves with love ones and loving, caring, thoughtful and fun loving friends makes this journey in life, and those of us on a journey of enlightenment much easier to handle. This journey of Enlightenment is feels like what a Very Dear friend told me in a letter, that I was like a butterfly coming out for the first time, to tell the truth I am coming out for the first time. Those around me, in my private life, find me hard to deal with but when they do not look at me as a whole person I am maturing, growing spiritually and emotionally. I do not see this as a crisis at all, I see it as a wonderful journey to discovering who I am and what I want to be. I am slowly beginning to make decisions with my heart and soul. I  cherish those friends who in their ways and our discussions have directed my thoughts, feelings and emotions to look for something more  This project of love, this page), is for all of my friends who maybe without knowing have contributed to my development and enlightenment.

 This is for all those wonderful friendships that we form along our way through this life and to say how much we appreciate all that they are and mean to us. There are those friendships that move to another level or that we sense they are our soul-mates and that we can not live without them. We bare ourselves to them and soon find that we feel that they are a part of us as if we knew each other before. We also find that they allow us to open up if for just a little while to allow our real selves appear. We accept each other for what we are and do not expect anything from them only that they be themselves. They have faults as we do but we are able to look past them for our friends have become part of us and we do not condemn ourselves. In absence we know that they are there for us anytime that we need to talk and they have a way to soothe our feathers in our times of strife. Just like dear relatives we some times forget to tell them we care and always willing to listen to them. The learning to love to the fullest, having wonderful friends & family that make us laugh, cry and enriching us, and even providing a listening ear. Somehow through time we seem to abuse some our friends & family to a point that we lose them forever causing regret from knowing the special way they fulfill us and their kindness. From that point we spend time trying to fill a void that our friend filled in having them with us. There are also those who may not have had such a good friend that they can call a very dear friend. Then too there are those who have had a limited amount of friends and due to conditions that seem out of their control never get to share time with them.
 
 


 

August 1998

In recent days I have found some wonderful music from Kenny Loggins’ Greatest   Hits" tape. One that stands out is " Meet Me Halfway".  It fits so well with my yearning for enrichment. Its message is part of what I am striving towards. I do not expect anyone I know in my life to do anymore then meet me half way. If I was to desire that I would be infringing on their space and their existence and they would then feel obligated in some way to me. In all relationships, if meeting each other halfway were a standard practice  both parties would feel more comfortable with their existence and would yearn for the coming day.

   I am in the total belief that making decisions from the heart is a reflection of ones true yearnings and needs. The other extreme is we have been raised for so long that we should not make such decisions as they are not healthy or they are made with emotion and not total consideration. Our hearts, souls know best what we as a human being need or yearn for, or the things that we wish to experience. All experiences good or bad, is enriching to our soul even if they seem terrible or unbelievable. When we find "love" that warms our hearts and souls, or we feel that we can love a person with all of our heart and soul then it seems that our mind takes over and says Self it can not be real. The mind also says, "SELF, protect yourself from the fall", then we are restricting the opportunity to love in fear of failure. Question should be then, would GOD allow us to fail, he want the best  for us. As stated in the bible we are created in the image of GOD, so would GOD fail. The issue of true love, when the heart and soul feels so warmly about someone why do we question the love. Our upbringing bestows upon us until it becomes set in concrete that it we were to move on after a relationship that we are failing GOD. What I  feel is that if we have free choice and if GOD gives us this right then why would he be mad if we were to make our own choices.  If we are to truly experience true love then we should love unconditionally without "strings attached".  The love that comes unwritten conditions so leads to the love to become demanding, more conditions, animosity,  guilt, and reluctance of participation in relationships. If someone is not sure if they can love unconditionally ask themselves this question, Do I love myself and do I love GOD??
 

October 1998
 

In the past few weeks since my last update have had some interesting
      thoughts and perceptions. The most intriguing is that it all surrounds learning and re-membering old lessons that we have learned. Life can be hard but then the lessons are what we are in need of experiencing. I have gone through many changes of the last year in my outlooks and yearnings.  My new text was headed somewhere that it did not belong going. So I revising my direction of this writing.

  First let me say that life is but only an experience with includes in our views good and bad experiences. I have begun to look at all things in life as a quality experience both good and bad and find that in reflection of that experience in a more wide-angle view, ask myself what is there to learn from this. Life is all about learning, experiencing and re-membering of past experiences. I have worked so hard to allow myself to look at all situations and how they affect me or changed me in some way even if there is no apparent reason some day that experience will reveal itself in some way. Did this experience change me or my outlook change in any way?? My views, outlooks and thoughts on many topics have changed well have expanded to look at the whole picture and not allowing my ego, or prejudices to overtake take me and my thoughts.  It has been hard to overcome me being judgmental of things that made me feel uncomfortable about or was not what felt normal to me.  This has been the most difficult of the many things I have been struggling with to overcome but I am moving past this and moving forward. Allowing myself to experience all that life has to offer is the best thing that anyone can do for themselves.

   Here is an interesting question, Have you ever had a situation where you were in an "Deja Vu" or that you had been somewhere, or even done something before? Of even going one farther, Ever felt that you knew someone even though you are miles or a world apart? I have gotten this way so recently that there was a special person that I yearned to meet someday.  There are many here that I would love to meet and tell them how much I appreciate their friendship and how much their special ways about them have meant to me over the time since we have been chatting, both live and over the net.
 
 


 

January 1999

The coming year holds so many new experiences and events for me that I am aware of and countless others I am unaware of. However, I look back on the experiences of the past year with a sense of wonderful emotions, the friends I have met, and the evolving of my views, feelings and goals. I am very fortunate to have met some friends from the Internet and the way they have impacted my life and its path. The impact might be small by many measures but it is still an impact in the turn of events or journey we call Life. With any and all meetings and people we meet it is for a reason that is not always known, however it all leads to the experience that we (spiritually) wish to experience. I can not believe how I have changed and have worked to enjoy each day to its fullest without complication but seem to fall back away from it time to time. It is as if it can not be so easy to enjoy life but with all of our life's training and society expectations, it seems almost wrong to enjoy life in it's very simplest form as it was intended. We have always been told nothing comes easy in life, but why not, to enjoy the simple experience of living and the beauty of nature is there for all to enjoy. We have strive to be the advanced society of the world but yet we can not enjoy the simple things in life. I question how advanced are we when we can not enjoy all aspects of life, we have gone one step forward and two back. Why??


In the dawning of the new millennium there seems to be a shift of views, a growing yearning for answers and an interest in the realm of spirituality. I wonder if the shift is from not contented with organized religion, as it don't fulfill a void that is developing in one's soul and heart. The wanting to experience true love and doing what makes us happy comes from our heart. Ever wonder why when you make a decision about something and you don't feel as contented as you thought you would. This is where the essence of all of us lies and maybe we should listen to our hearts more then our minds. Our minds are logical but not the true wants and desires of us as souls. I have found that when I make decisions with my heart that I feel more comfortable with that decision, even the simplest of decisions provides let's say confidence in the process. I realize that this is against all that we have been taught, to think things out carefully and thoroughly. It is a shame that life has grown so hectic and we have gotten so out of touch with our hearts' wants and desires. I heard many say that when they listen to their hearts it leads to heartbreak and pain, but doesn't listening to one's mind lead to emptiness. It is a difficult position to be in granted, however being that we are all souls, the souls does what it wants and desires. Ever done something that you could not give an answer for as to why you did it? In times when things get hard look at the situation and search to find out why it is that way. In times of reflections you find that you are a better person when all is said and done. I know that life gets hard, sometimes pushing us to the brink of doing sometime rash, just do this reflect on the poem "Footprints". As the new year comes to be, Reach out hug and tell someone thanks for coming into your life and making it brighter. For all my friends, Thank You Dearly for all that you have done to brighten my days, and life. Hugs and Kisses.


 

May 1999

I know it has been a good long time since my last update. In this
lapsed time a lot has occurred that demanded my full attention. In the last couple of months has been a learning experience for me spiritually with some lets say "pop quizzes".  Let me start by saying that in February I received a WARN Notice, which is basically is a 60 day
      layoff notice. This came as a big surprise but surprising enough I remained calm, I felt this at ease feeling come over me and whispering to stay focused on my goals. It was a feeling that all will work out in the end. To my surprise and trust it did, I had my notice canceled. which put me very at ease. The biggest issue for me was not that I could lose my job but that I remained calm and focused with my goals and aspirations. A test of faith maybe or a re-assurance of faith. I found myself focusing on the  positive side of my possible layoff, in that I could concentrate on my studies full time. It has changed my views on my enrichment that I am searching for. The one issue I will retain if nothing else is staying focused and knowing that all events we can control.  The events that have either already occurred or that will occur we can have a hand in. Even if one does not believe this, do this, with where you are at in life at the moment didn't your decisions, and actions affect how you got here. I did not believe it but in reflection of my life from as a child to now, through events, decisions and direction have come to this point in my life. 

Many of my views and perspectives are of a spiritual nature, they are not necessarily religious but they are some observations I have made and things I have seen. I do know that my views may not exactly agree with organized religion but it does not mean I don't  believe in God, in fact I believe I have a stronger relationship with him through my more open views and working on not being so judgmental.  This is hard to do but working hard on this very seriously. I am not perfect but working to improve my inner self and putting myself at ease. This will bring an improvement of one's health too. With all that I have seen and experienced, We all should learn to look at the positive side of all events in our lives. This reminds me of something that is a very difficult issue to consider, that is that we are souls here to  experience some feeling, emotion or event. When we consider that we steer our lives down our chosen paths and that some events or feelings are unexplainable isn't this proof that we create our lives and are driven from our hearts.  Let me leave you with this closing thought, as I mentioned before, take some time and try making some decisions with your heart and then reflect on how you feel afterwards.
 


 

July 1999

As I sit here enjoying the summer season, I sit here in reflection of some things I have gone through this year so far. The possible layoff and the feelings it brought out in me. The clearing of little issues that have existed deep in the back of my mind for the last 17 years. I felt it time to revise my page and thought reflection of these things in an overall review might be a good thing.

With the passing of my possible layoff and all that I went through emotionally, I see now was a very good thing for an eye-opener or "pop quiz" for my life. It caused me to awake and see that maybe I was taking my goals a little haphazardly light. However in the last few days I have made substantial progress towards my goals. I did it by completing one of my tests that I need to have to get a MCSE certificate. It made me settle down and concentrate on my studies more then I was. I felt driven (focused) but maybe not as focused as I should have been. I did however feel more relaxed during my test then I had ever expected to feel. I did not "ACE" it but I did well just the same. Just the fact that I took it relaxed and deliberately. I felt inside that maybe the events leading up to my layoff notice and the jolting of my system were what I needed to apply myself. I am now more assured of my direction and my focus. It is so hard to achieve anything when one is not focused and I can see that now. My staying aware of my surroundings and the goings on makes me more aware of things and to get in touch with my world.

Secondly, in the last month I have cleared some minute issues that had occurred about 17 years ago that I did not know or forgot about until lately. These issues deal with an old friend and our last meeting. In my opinion I had left on bad terms with her, which turns out was all in my mind or self-induced. There were feelings between us that were fairly mutual. There were feelings of concern on both sides that were not about protection of sorts. I felt that I was intruding for one thing and that wanting to spend the evening with her might have been too forward in my hopes. From her perspective, she felt that I would have wanted to carry things on farther then she would have wanted. So then nothing occurred, however 17 years elapsing and we cleared up these things in a chat. I can not remember exactly how the conversation came up but it did. We talked for 2 hours about all that had occurred and did not occur. In the end even though we are passed it and have our own lives to live. We have a more open relationship and stronger one too. In a nutshell a lack of communication on both of our parts or that we were young and not wanting to be forceful. We tried to reflect on what we were thinking but we came to a mutual agreement that it would be hard to go back and remember what we were thinking. It was so long ago and that we would be using our wisdom of today to figure out what we were thinking yesterday.

As I bring this to an end just remember these few ideas. One, you can not judge what you did yesterday today because of changes in awareness. You make decisions based on your present knowledge so don't second-guess. Two, trust your heart to lead you through your decisions as it knows what it desires and it is the essence of you. To further this, consider this, you are not the essence of your heart, as your spirit lives in your heart and that is your essence. If you weighed yourself just prior to your death and then immediately after your death your body would weigh the same. Your essence is there talking to you, leading you and wanting to experience so allow it to. Do not restrict, look to your heart for answers and trust them. I know this is a difficult thing to believe especially when you fall in love and your heart says yes. Then you get hurt and you say, "I will never trust my heart". Move passed this and look at it from a spirit's point of view, it is the sheer act of experiencing that matters and not the result. An event good or bad is all in how you perceive the event and not the result of it. In Closing, just take the time to reflect on all things around you and maybe even meditate to quiet the mind and listen to your heart.
 


 

January 2000

Well as we start the new millennium, I am excited about the New Year and all that it holds in the year to come.  I would like to start with a little Christmas story of my own about something that has never happened to me especially from a total stranger. It is very touching in that it occurred on Christmas Eve while I was on the way to work. I was standing in line at my favorite coffee shop on my way to work, while waiting to order my coffee I got into a little conversation with a lady that was standing in the line ahead of me. After ordering my coffee and waiting to pay, we talked about me working the Christmas holidays. To make a short story short, in the span of only about 5 minutes from the time I ordered my coffee and talking to this lady, when it came time for her to pay for her daughter’s hot chocolate and her latte she paid for my coffee as well. I do not know this person, I have never seen her before or even know her name. It was a very touching gesture to me and it feels that it must have been the spirit of the season.

In reflection of the past year many things have occurred that were touching in many ways. I have done better then I ever expected in my pursuit of my MCSE. Last year about this time I would have been happy with a MCP Certificate, which is Microsoft Certified Professional but here I am 5 out of 6 tests done for my MCSE. It has been a long road this year and time has flown by very quickly for me.  As of today I have gotten my business license to operate a Computer Service and consulting business.  It feels like I am pursuing my goals in a little way. All of this is for a change in career that I feel I so badly need.  Frustration has been tremendous from a pure lack of job satisfaction.  As you know the basis of this page has been a sort of diary of my feelings and changes that I am going through. From responses I have gotten from my guest-book many of you get the same types of feelings or through the same types of events.

Over the past year I have been trying different approaches to issues and events. I have also been working on staying positive and focused towards my goals. Staying positive has been a difficult road to drive. With my almost being laid off was a eye-opener and a little prodding to keep me really focused. Being able to trust my heart in my decisions has been a very leery yet educating experience. For so long we are told to make intelligent decisions and not to make emotional decisions. Now to me emotional decisions are made with our hearts, which to me is making decisions that pleases us.  This has been hard to grasp for me, but in the coming year I will be working on doing much more of this. It has been a very interesting experience, but a very touchy one too. Many people say that when they follow their heart that it gets them hurt, especially in love. My outlook is while we are on this earth we are here to experience all that we can and to remember the learning from the past. It is what has been called a Déjà vu.  We all at one time or another have experienced. Just to take it one further, what about someone you see or meet and you feel as if you already know them. Just like with my chance meeting with that wonderful lady that bought me my coffee there is a reason she was there when I was there and a reason that she felt a yearning to treat me to coffee. I could not express enough how much that touched me especially from a complete stranger, (I think).

In my readings I have ran across a book called “There are NO accidents” by Robert H Hopcke. Even if one does not believe in such things, well I did not either but in the last year, just reflecting at the time of events and people coming into my life or effecting it causes me to stop and reflect on the whole picture in a hindsight perspective. Not just my readings but in the music I listen to also seems to speak in volumes. I find particular songs speak to me, however enjoy listening to Jazz for an escape from all the events of the day.

One last specific thing I would like to mention as this draws to a close, which the passing of Payne Stewart was a hard and very shocking thing for me to accept. In retrospect it reminds us that we are not permanent here on this earth and that we are only visiting. Always keep in mind that with each coming day could be our last on this earth. So please remember, trust your heart, follow your heart and do what makes you happy.  To all of you have a wonderful, happy and profitable new millennium.
 


 

April 2000

When considering what I would use for the subject of my update for my page took many paths and much time in developing. However, recently a friend sent me a little story that I read that initially did not seem to strike a nerve until the end of last week. There was a little saying I saw that did hit home; it was "Unhappiness is caused by comparison". Why this hit home I do not know except maybe in reflection it spurred thought. Then after this my brother sent the same little story to me and my eyes opened wide. I considered the basic question "What would I do?”  Here is a copy of the story:

Imagine this happening to you. Would you run or would you stay?

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000-member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying sub-machine guns.  One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are." Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled.  Out of the 2,000, there only remained around 20. The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service.  Have a nice day!"  And the two men turned and walked out.

The story taken as a story made me consider the question then made me think about me beliefs about spirituality. If I trust me belief in God then why would I then worry about a bullet, especially in reflection of the poem "Footprints" Which is included on another page here. If we are allowed to believe that we are all worthy of God's love, know in our hearts that he speaks to us (all we have to do is listen) and guides us along our path of life and discovery, then we have nothing to fear. Fear in my view is a wasted emotion, I see as if you have no control over something then what is there to fear and if you do have control of it what is there to fear just change it. We have the ability to create as God does because we create our future and present with actions and thoughts each and every minute of the day. If you do not believe it then do some reflection, how many times have you told yourself if I had made a different choice before I wonder where or how it would have turned out. So when we do consider it then we do believe we can create. I believe this for other reasons too; in the bible (KJV) Genesis 1:26 & 1:27 God speaks of how he created man in his own image. So then if this is so then we do have the ability to create.

I know that my views of spirituality differ greatly with many people or religions. We all search for our answers in different ways and different places. I would like to say that no matter what I think or view as being my perspective of spirituality, let me say this in my life there have been 2 events that have led me to look for my answers other then the traditional way. As a child or pre-teen of 12 yrs old, I was almost overdosed on Morphine given to me after knee surgery. The second time was when my brother and I were driving back from a weekend in the mountains, outside of Fresno Calif., when I was distracted for only a second on a snowy/slushy road and some how manage to steer clear of going over a cliff. I do not know how I ever recovered from either one of those, except that I had other things to do in my life, my spirits’ goal this time around. I have since attended many churches and faiths in my lifetime only to remain lost in my search for answers. However in the last 2 to 3 years have found some direction that suits me and makes me comfortable with myself. I have included a list of some of the many books I have read that interested me the most on another page.


 
 

August 2000

The subject of this page up until the last day or so was one of uncertainty. I had some ideas but felt that it was going to go somewhere that I was not sure I should go. The last page went a direction that was spurred on by a simple poem that I felt so driven by. As with most revisions of this page they are written with feeling, emotion and a sense of purpose. However this page seemed to be going somewhere else in the possibly where I was not doing it by feeling or an prodding that was until someone from my graduating class contacted me through Classmates.com. We have been emailing back and forth for the last couple of days. I had to really dig up my Yearbook in order to remember who he was. With him and the fact that someone else to whom graduated 2 years later then myself had contacted me caused me to open that book up for the first time in years. In the past few days I have been returning back to those wonderful times and reliving some of the day to day activities of high school days.

Today I received an email from my friend and he told me about some of our classmates. He told me how they were several years ago and it amazed me the interesting twists that life takes. I will not go into what types of things he told me but just to say that it if very unpredictable how life has changed for some of our classmates. Some of the more popular people in school had some of the most unexpected and drastic changes that I am aware of. I know that many of you will say this happens to all classes in one way or another but in this case the most popular person in school by most of the students had a very disturbing event occur to her family. There are those in each of our graduating classes that if something like this occurred it would not surprise us but with her I expected her to go to college graduate with a Master’s Degree or higher in her selected field of study. I do not know if she went off to college or not, but the point is that she was the type of person you would expect to go far. Yes life deals some strange hands at times, life can be good one minute and not so good by others.

With all of this I look inward for a more real meaning to all of it, maybe this was the urging I needed for the next page. With all the time that has elapsed since the high school days so much water has passed under the bridge and so many friends have gone so many directions. These 2 people have moved away from the school as we all do at one time or another but besides these 2 wonderful people of the class of 72 people I wonder what the other 69 people are doing. Maybe this web page is to be a vehicle for the reunion of some of my former classmates. One sometimes never knows what someone comes back into our lives or why we do things that does not makes sense to us. We have to remember that things do makes sense it a spiritual way and makes very little sense in a human way. If we trust that all things that happen to us is created by us in a spiritual way, which we all create constantly, then we will know that we create our future with each thought. If you do not believe this then do me this favor, reflect on how you have arrived at this point in your life and how you got there. I believe you will find that it was decisions that you made that placed you where you are today. So if you made a selected decision then I ask you, didn’t you not just create your future or a situation?

Living as I have or tried to, I have become more aware of things around me and how they just seem to appear. I seem to be accepting the events and people with curiosity and looking at things as to what is there to learn from this situation or person. This is not intended to be taken as what can I do to take advantage of this person or event but more of what can I get spiritually from it. There is so much to appreciate in life and on this earth while we visit it that we should literally take time to smell the roses. If I was to make one recommendation for the day, week, or month take time to appreciate the some things in life and the simple things. If you do this you will begin to notice many things that happen around you that were there all the time but we just do not take the time to notice or appreciate.
 


October 2000

This summer has not been very eventful per say. I have found that working on the page that I have changed my views of the page of the direction it was headed when I was going to change it. I can explain why it just happened, well actually just a change of heart or thought on an issue. As it has been said, God provides us answers in so many ways. It could be the wind, a bird singing, a person you meet or run into, the next song or even something in the next book or article you read. The answers will come in the appropriate way necessary for the source or basis of the answer. The answers are all given with love and they are what we ask for. However the human parts of us do not understand them or do not accept them but the spirit welcomes the answers or direction with love always. It is the only thing that our spirit knows is love and it is all the God is is love. God is in each and every one of us no matter who we are. God is love and love lives in our hearts. If you question it then do this, when you feel you truly love something and wonder if it is true look in your heart. If your heart is comfortable with it and feel so at ease then follow your heart. No matter what outcomes occur from making decisions or following your heart they will always be what is best for you.  We tend to want to satisfy our human side and feel regret that we did not satisfy ourselves inside just the physical side. When our spiritual side is contented or happy with the experience you feel refreshed or fulfilled. You will feel possibly puzzled that it "fit the bill" so to speak but enjoy the experience. 

I have moved in my experiencing towards the appreciation of so many things and have grown to question the teachings of my life. For example, I am sure that the majority of us have been told that the human body is a wonderful thing but at the same time we have been told that we cannot appreciate it fully. In a very quiet way we are taught that it is taboo to desire and enjoy the human body. Well, being me I have begun to question and wonder this, IF God created our bodies and us then how can we deem the body bad. I ask this; if the human body is deemed bad then how can you praise God and his work yet deem some of his creations bad? It seems contradictory in statement, question and teachings.  Then from my perspective are we not questioning Gods' work and creations? If we are created in God's image then we are doubting God. We praise nature, life and the animals around us yet we cannot praise or appreciate the human body. What makes the human body so bad or so taboo?  I have a question then "WHY?". Just the sheer fact of questioning the teachings labels you “troublemaker”; do we not have the right to question any decision or teaching? It seems to me that we have to just accept the opinion of the group as the proper viewpoint and you should not think anything else. To go a step further, answer me this if the body is seen in the nude in a magazine or movie it is deemed pornography but if it is seen in art such as clay or oils it is considered acceptable practice and as art. So my question is what is the difference? I welcome any and all answers. It seems to be a double standard for society and morality. I personally do not find the human body in any way bad, it is a very beautiful create that we inhabit The reason for this is this, if we are a non-celebrity or public figure then it is ok to do things that we wish to do such as pose in the nude but if a we are a celebrity or public figure then it is considered immoral or unacceptable behavior. 

I have worked very hard to change from judging others for any reason, many times we judge because it is a comparison of their life or views to ours but remember we all are different and come from different walks of life. Our decisions are based on events in our lives and we do not all live the same life. This leads to stereotyping of people and for what reason to makes us more right or moral then the next person. We are a diverse nation and world with different points of view. We should cherish each other for the opportunity to experience all that can be re-membered in this life. This gets back to what I said before there is an answer or lesson to be learned from each person we come in contact with or event that occurs in our lives.  We sometimes do not like or understand an outcome of an event, relationship or meeting but this is because we are only looking for a specific outcome. As a spiritual being we are not looking for a specific outcome but instead we are looking for an experience of being human.  I have been looking at this very deeply in the last year with each and every event that I have experienced, read in a newspaper or heard on the news. When I look at this from a learning experience point of view, or a spiritual being the event takes on a totally different meaning then it would as a “human being”. It becomes intriguing what emotions one feels during these times when you place yourself in a different light. I am not saying that I am an expert at this in fact I am far from it but I am taking this experience one step, minute and day at a time.

 

December 2000

I considered many things when I was going to update this page this time. As we draw close to the holiday season there were so many different ideas to pursue but I feel this one will cover all of them in one way or another. It will lead you to a more positive outlook on all things in one's life by simply addressing them with love and arms wide open to all things, events and people in your life.  It is purely a change of lifestyle and/or life outlook. 

This page was spurred on by a song I listened to recently that I had misinterpreted it's meaning. The song is "With Arms Wide Open" by a group called Creed. They are a religious group like Kansas but with a music style of the present day. So before really reading the words to the song I had assumed that the song was about meeting our source or God but in reality the song was about a man that just found out he was going to have a baby. I know that it might be hard to understand how I had misinterpreted the song well it is how it was written. However, to me it was the words that caught my hearts attention, you know like what you probably heard sometime in your life that God speaks to us in so many ways like the wind, rain, maybe the next story you read, next news item you hear or even the next song you hear. If we listen closely we can hear an answer to a question that we have asked and wanted or needed answering. Ever notice how you might be thinking of a question and then you turn a corner and the answer is there in front of you. Remember all your questions are answered maybe not as you expect but think about this you wanted an answer to a question however you at that moment did not care what the answer was. When we feel that the answer to our question is before us but do not understand it, consider this, look deep into the question and the answer to understand more fully the how it is what you asked for. I am suggesting that you accept all answers with arms wide open. I know this because in a passed page I mentioned that I had received a layoff notice, at first in shock but did not panic, actually felt at ease, which concerned me at first. However in looking deeper I found it was the prodding I needed to follow through with my plans and schooling. It was my wake up call so to speak. The reason I believe that I stayed in touch with myself was that I embraced the situation with open arms and knowing all was somehow what I wanted or needed. Through this it has allowed me to grow and work towards Who I am and want to be. I look at things so differently now that I look at anything with the thought of what can I learn from this spiritually to allow me to grow. It is not the event to which we experience that affects us emotionally to spur concern, anger, rage or love; it is how we react to the event. In other words it is not the event but the result that affects us. I believe that if you just listen to what your heart and soul speaks to you about, you too will find the same thing that I have found. I know you have heard as I have from time to time "to stop and smell the roses" well another why to ponder it is to "stop and listen to the rose". A different perspective I know but maybe one that will pay off in your life in many ways. 

I believe that if we were to listen to our hearts that we would be more content with our decision instead of doubting them.  We all need to be more in touch with our hearts in order to enjoy our experiences as with what I said earlier accepting all things with arms wide open makes all the difference. If we are one with our heart, we are one with our spirit however if we are one with these things then we are one with God. The reason I know this is because we have all at one time been told that God is love so I take that this way if God is love and love lives in our hearts then God is in us. We are one with Him so if this is so then why are we taught that we are separate from him. It seems contradictory that if he is LOVE and LOVE lives in our hearts that we are separate from him. I have felt though through the years I have been taught that when we die, our bodies that is, that we go to join him but how can that be if he is in our hearts. This to me means that we are separate from our source, our essence to which I disagree. I believe if we accept God with open arms and all his wisdom or guidance that we can feel his energy and his love. We will at this point accept all things and events just as they are experiences to learn from and to grow from. 

One last thought to ponder, I am sure many of you have heard that the gift that you make in order to give someone is more precious then a store bought gift because it comes from the heart takes on a whole new concept when viewed from the perspective I have spoke of. I am sure not only will the receiver feel the love behind the gift but the giver will feel the warmth of the gift too.  In the coming weeks before Christmas do things that warm your heart and soul. I know that there are those out there in the world who have lost someone or is single that the holidays affect them deeply, from being lonely.  The thought of being lonely scares all people but if one can overcome the urge to allow the loneliness to rule them, they will find a way to fill the void.  In closing, consider this, we all create things with “sponsoring thoughts”. So with this thought if we change our underlying thought to a different one then we can recreate our present and future. Enjoy the coming holiday with friends, family and dear ones that are in each and every one of your lives. Look forward to the coming year with arms wide open and all that is to come in each of your futures. Happy Holidays and Wondrous New Year.

                                                   

March 2001

In the thinking process for the changing of the page I began to consider the structure of the page and how I can change it for the most thought-provoking. The thought came to me after I saw a reader board at a local church, it said : " I believe so why do I doubt?". I believe that by the sheer concept of the statement brings interesting thoughts to mind. I know people that have visited my page are expecting me to rattle on about the thoughts that I get from the statement but this is where the page will change directions. Basically and in a nutshell when I get a thought or see a statement that touches me, I will share it with you. I will not however impose my thoughts but will leave you with your thoughts to ponder. In the changing of my page structure I am going to strive to write only a paragraph or two at most.

This format of my page I believe will allow others to grow or to see inside themselves and maybe induce that growth on their own. I will still use images and music as a rounding of a vision/feeling that each of us will get or possess in the form of a feeling or vision. I am in a roundabout way wanting to spur on independent thought. If you find that you would like to have me go back to the other format feel free to email me. I am open to all perspectives and viewpoints.

July 2001

I have found that it difficult to find a source of inspiration for my page. Usually the idea or inspiration for the page just all of a sudden comes to me from a news story, a song, something someone has said that I have overheard or an event that has occurred to me. So many things have happened around me both in my family and to others but nothing seemed to have a common thread. I think that I have been keeping my mind closed for some reason but today listening to a CD on the way to school a thought came to me. The song that I was listening to was by Sarah McLachlan called “I will remember you”. It reminded me of the traveling Vietnam Memorial, old friends I have made and a recent accident that killed 5 young people and critically injuring a 6th person.

The thought that occurred to me about this accident is this; we are told over and over again that alcohol and driving do not mix. To take this a step further, if we know the risks of mixing the two but choose to ignore it, why do we do it then. We do things that we can not consciously explain as if it is a mystery but, is it? Somehow we were driven to do things that when the experience is over we do not know why or how we did it but we just did. I, myself have had an experience that as a young adult still has me wondering how I ever managed to stay alive. It was one of those experiences that are like a re-assurance that we are being watched over. If I hadn’t been watched over, my brother and I would have been both killed on a snowy mountain road and not paying attention to my driving. When I looked up I turned the wheel and like falling on a pillow, we came to a stop safely without going over a cliff.

Considering all of these things, brings up the question of what is my purpose in being here on this earth at this time. Am I to help someone along their path in life, change the world or bring perspective to my experience that they call life? Let me interject something further, it may not even seem obvious to you what your purpose but your spirit or essence knows. That is why we feel changed or different after shocking or life-shaking events. If we would just take the time to look inside for all of our answers and accept them instead of looking for someone to confirm our pre-drawn answers life will make itself more sense. If we know all the answers then why do we attend church? It is there that we are told that GOD answers all questions so then why don’t we listen. It is a bit complex yet simple and comes from a line that I have heard many times; when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Or when you are willing to listen your questions will be answered. So as this summer season comes to an end consider this as a fleeting thought and listen to the world around you. I have been surprised to what I hear and experience.

                                                                    

November 2001

This time it feels like a burden of sorts has been lifted, hence I am relieved in many ways. I know that this probably is strange to hear because I am losing my job just before Christmas after working for this company for 12.5 years. Imagine if you will that you had a serious medical condition or some other event that affected you deeply only to find out that things turnout not so serious. Well that is how I feel and the reason being I have been working on a career change for about a year now but been putting it off. So now the opportunity is presenting itself like the old saying: you should open the door when opportunity comes knocking at your door. It feels like there is an opportunity out there just waiting for me and so I am so at ease with the changes that are occurring.

The feelings I have is one of peace with myself and with everything around me. It is very hard to put into words how I feel and the feelings I have. I imagine it would be like being told you have cancer or some disease of some sort then being told later that you are in perfect health. I see this as a prodding of sorts to now move along with my wanting changes in my life  and moving towards something I more want to do that is satisfying to  me personally then just doing something for the money. My brother puts it so well; he says it is so hard to believe that he is getting paid so well for a job that he just enjoys. He says it is like stealing his wages because he loves his new job. It has to be such a satisfying and fulfilling feeling.. I am sure though as December 14th gets nearer there is be some feelings of despair but the overwhelming feeling of a new beginning is more outstanding though.

I think if we would just look at the positive side of all things and events in our lives will would be a lot less stress and anxiety. Try this reflect of the events of your life either tragic or otherwise, I am sure that you will find that you have changed in some way or caused you to awaken to something you do or something that you needed to change in your life. Hence there was a positive outcome from that event. Just like in my case at this moment, I believe I have created the situation so to make my decision to change careers more of an reality then a dream. We all create our futures by each and every “Sponsoring” thought that we have. This is the underlying thought that we possess about something in our lives and if we keep it near us always, it will be done or in other words the thought will become a reality. To rehash something I wrote in a past page consider some decision somewhere in your past and the direction your life has taken because of it. However to imagine how your life would be if you had made a different decision is impossible to consider. To drive home the point, if you get an opportunity watch the movie, “Mr. Destiny”. There is a point in the movie where the main character asked the “angel” how his life has changed so dramatically from the life he has known up to this point. Michael Caine is the angel of sorts and he explains to the main character, Jim Belushi, that when he hit the baseball instead of striking out his life had taken a totally different path. The little points in the movie like this, gives us a visual on how life and events sculptures our lives each and every day.

The final thought that I have and want to leave with you is this. Always look for the positive in all things and events in your life. Listen to all things around you because the answers you seek could come to you in the next song you hear, the next book you read, the next movie you watch or from a meeting of the next person to come into your life. The answers are there all you have to do is want them and they will appear. Do not however require a particular answer but look at the answers as a whole and see the beauty in them.

 

February 2002

Well here it is Mid-February and the start of a brand new year. As I had mentioned in my last update in October/November when I received my layoff notice that it would take place this time, well along came December 14 and I was laid off. This event in many ways should have been upsetting and cause panic but it did not. In fact a friend told me when I spoke to her that I did not seem any different then the day before I got my notice. To which to me reflected that I had not been bothered by the layoff notice. This is only a change of direction so go with the creation and flow your dreams and because of this attitude I am comfortable with the changes.

I believe that in a spiritual way I have created this event by my sponsoring thought. I have been doing very little away from constantly thinking about moving into Network Design/Administration. I know that if we stay focused on what we want we will create it as reality. So along these lines I have created my present situation. As many of you know I have been doing off-hour training learning networking and Cisco routers/switches for going on 3 years now. So looking at my present status there is very little as to way of “Top” Certifications left for me. I am presently studying and working on my CCIE which is viewed as the Premium Certification in Networking. This is a long way from being just satisfied with my MCP through Microsoft which was my original intention. With every step/test I have strived for bigger and better things and have achieved them by staying focused.

With this all in mind, consider this; is it not true that we can create any and everything we want by being focused and desiring it? We can create by sheer thoughts so from this then I would go one step further and say that if you have a problem with a situation then change it. In other words, choose another solution or destination.  I have been observing and testing this opinion over the last 2 or so years. I found consistently that if you choose some other direction it opens a whole new world. Just like when I was almost laid 3 years ago I really was not prepared for it but let things take their course to which I was not laid off in the end. Now 3 years later I am ready for changes to come into my life and the opportunity presents itself.  It is sort of like those little urges or nudges we got along the way, you know the little feelings that you need to stay away from something or some place for one reason or another. Except in this case it is as though I created my present and am moving towards it instead of moving away from it.  All things will come forth and appear at its assigned moment, it is up to us to see the greatness in it.

One final thought for this update, remember that it is not the event that is tragic, wondrous or sad, but it is our response and feeling that we have about the event. The event no matter what it may be is only a tool for us to use to view who/what we are in our own eyes.

                                                                       

September 2002

I know that I have done an update in over 6 months or so to which I am truly sorry. I have to contribute it to possibly writer’s block. The last update was to be about a lost friendship or one that was ended by another’s choice not my own. Anyway, this update is about faith, knowing and the passing of a loved one. On August 7, 2002 I lost my father to an abdominal aneurysm. It was unexpected to say the least but my family and I are coping well. This has been a growing experience as I feel the loss and miss him but yet there is a feeling of comfort in knowing that he is in no pain.  

I believe we all wonder what awaits us when it is our time to leave this earth. When I came to grips with the fact of my father’s passing, memory of Rick Springfield’s song April 24, 1981, to which he wrote when his dad had passed away. It is the part about daddy knowing the great unknown that stood out in my mind. It caused wonder yet faith that dad now knows his reason for being on this earth and all of the experiences that he went through. My dad and I were talking a couple of months ago about a past experience in my life and he told me that he understood without me explaining. I do not know how he would have known about it and then to have him say that he understood confused me. I believe it was to re-assure me somehow. I can only believe that he felt it would help put things at ease with me. At that point in time it was puzzling but now after his passing it seems to have so much wisdom in his words.  

Dad was a very shy type person to which I got some of that but as an adult I find that I have become less shy. I am finding many things that dad had felt and his perspectives interesting yet very puzzling. The one thing that is the hardest to accept is that he could talk to any of his family about how he felt including with my Mom. He sent an email to an internet friend just days before he passed away that was very revealing in a very deep way. The email was an apology for something he said or possibly confiding in them the night before. It spoke of how emotions/feelings are suppressed underneath and he spoke how the tank becomes overfull. My thought is why does such a tank become full yet he cannot confide in his own family.  I would have thought that there would be someone close to him like a family member that he would have opened up to.  I had recently a chain of thought that pointed to the source of his ways that lead to his childhood. So in more ways then we would ever imagine our present is created or molded by our pasts. 

Here it is a week later and needing to complete this with some wisdom of some sort. Life changing events like the passing of a loved one is very life disrupting in many ways. Emotions like regret of something not said or done, fear of that void in one’s heart and the knowing that life goes on. I know about regrets but yet I know in my heart that I made every effort to spend time with him when my time allowed but there are still those thoughts of not doing more. As the time passes and the initial shock wears off, I am sure that more memories will surface to let us know that he is still with us in our hearts. His presence and his smiles will be missed.

 

December 2002

This is one form of energy; however, I believe that we are always receptive to the energy that all people put out. Makes no difference what type of energy is being emitted we are aware of its existence at all times. I do not think anyone can say that they have never sensed energy but it is that they may for whatever reasons do not acknowledge it. As we move through our lives I believe we do become more aware of the energy that people put off. It is because of this that when we say that we do not feel comfortable around someone, or that we are attracted to someone and it is hard to put into words. It is not that we have no reason but that we do but it is a very deep reason that has no words. It would be like God answering our prayers or very personal questions. What does she have as a voice, one with an accent different then ours or even one that is our own voice? God does not use words per say to guide us along our path of life. His meanings cannot be put into words so he uses feelings and nudges of the heart to do his talking. Ever notice how we can be sitting at a park and all of a sudden an answer comes to us. I recently had a question answered and the answer just popped into my head. I was just sitting in my car listening to music and this question was from a friend. If we will allow ourselves to evolve, we can become more attuned to all of the energy around us. We will feel it when we fall in love and can feel it if we fall out of love. Soul mates feel it because they are 2 bodies sharing one spirit. They do not have to say much as the other seems to know what is to be said. We do say and I have, how can you know what I am thinking or going to say. Some things in our lives there is no words for.  

Let Me close this with some final thoughts. One is listening to your heart as you read; see what you feel from the words and thoughts. It will be a very enlightening experience and one that may allow you to awaken to feel the world around you.  Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

 

March 2003

I have been struggling with a topic of my page update and was going to do it on the levels of love. However while I was coming home from the gym it came to me very clear about that and the page. It came to me, levels of love and how I far I have come in the past years. I can include levels of love and even how it fits with friendship. To hit the high points, I have a friend that just broke up with her boyfriend, a friend that overdosed on medication which is not as uncommon as it may sound and conversations I have had with a friend on loving on multiple levels. One point to always remember, you cannot ever love another until you can love yourself and know what love is. 

My page was setup as a public type of journal reflecting my growth, feelings, thoughts and emotions along my journey of enlightenment. In so many ways I have changed but still I have old ways that I cannot seem to shake. I have found that I have very deep friendships and have friends that too find that friendships do last. We share a love that is one of another human being not so much one of what you would have for a soul mate. We as spiritual beings know the difference between the different levels or types of love but it is more difficult to put into words the differences. The three levels of love are Inner Love, Physical Love and Spiritual Love. I can only say that I believe this are the levels of love but I am not sure that this is the entire list or just a general list.  

I know that we can as individuals define the first 2 in our own words but the 3rd is much deeper and the love that exists on multiple levels. The Spiritual Love I believe is the one that cannot be clearly defined in words; it is a love of knowing. The Inner Love is what we feel towards ourselves and others, whether it is a partner or spouse or one of a friend. It is that warm feeling we get in our heart when we find our loved one or a true friend that makes us feel wanted.

 
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