My father was a pygmy gypsy from Guam, he would spend weeks writing poetry on rice and making shoes out of bamboo and goat bladders, he also invented his own language using only vowels and wooden blocks, it’s quite brilliant. My mother was raised in an Irish military family, she studied rope weaving and shepardry, she eventually fled to Guam after she was connected with several marketplace bombings in the city of Belmullet. When my mother got pregnant, my parents moved to the Ivory Coast where they raised my brother and myself. My brother, who was also consequently a pygmy, started a political gang and moved back to Belmullet to fight for my mother’s good name, and though he was small he was fierce on the streets. I stayed home and mastered the art of seashell jewelry and trained for the African continental championships for staying under water, where I placed second with a time of 8 minutes 19 seconds. I lost only to an 81 pound Shiite Muslim from Uganda. Shortly thereafter my mother gave birth to my sister, she is now a 7 foot tall, 330 pound sumo wrestler with stumpy thumbs.

My good lungs landed me a job with Creed, I am the guy who makes Scott Stapp’s hair and clothes blow in the wind in all his videos. This is when I really got interested in music, mostly what not to do, but it showed me that people with power can do whatever they want and still think they don’t suck, someday I want to not suck.