Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Newbie:
I’m so pleased we did the step 3 prayer last time:) I did feel an effect as it says in the Big Book - I felt some freedom and peace for the first time in ages.
Sponsor:
Well done Dear One - and what does it says next in the Big Book?
Newbie:
Let me see -
BB Page 63
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning
You know, I am a generally good person - I have done some wrong things I know, but sometimes I hear about people taking years to complete hundreds of questions - is that what we have to do?
Sponsor:
Remember dear one - we do not try to compare our recovery with others - if we look at the end of this chapter- page 71 - we see that it talks about "grosser handicaps" - it may be that we want to go back over everything in our lives, but this is not what we need to do - we will have lots of opportunities to go over it again in future step 10s if need be - but that is the future - for now, lets look at what the book says about this step.
The first part is about "resentments", and you see the Big Book suggests we do this is columns - first we list the people, institutions or principles with whom we are angry, and ask ourselves why - it’s probably because our self-esteem, our finances (called pocketbook in the BB) our ambitions or our relationships with others was hurt in some way.
Newbie:
Oh wow! You mean I get to bitch about all the people who did me wrong? This sounds fun:)
Sponsor:
well maybe - but that’s only the start of the process:)
Newbie:
Rats:) well OK I can take these columns away and work on them.
Sponsor:
Good:) - write down all the names first, and what it affected - your self-esteem, finance, etc...
Newbie:
OK - this sounds really easy:)
Sponsor:
I’m glad you think so:)
One more thing - read the BB on page 66 to 67
Newbie:
Hmmmm - yes I like this from page 66:
We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
yes I can see that these people were spiritually sick - and yes I can say that prayer about each one of them. But I’m not sure I understand this bit:
Big Book page 67
Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
Where people have wronged me, why do I have to take the blame?
Sponsor:
OK, let me give you an example. On my original grudge list was my brother - he is a successful salesman, and made a lot of money. That was fine, but he flaunted his wealth, and went out of his way to make the rest of the family know how rich he was, and what a wonderful life style he had. He also made it clear that he looked down on the rest of the family, and me, as the youngest sibling, in particular. And this affected my self esteem (it make me feel worthless), my ambitions since I couldn’t keep up with him, my personal relationships with him and with the rest of my family. There was also a lot of fear there too - fear that I would not measure up to the "ideal" of my brother.
Newbie:
Yes I can relate to that - and as I said, this is all him, isn’t it? it’s not your fault!
Sponsor:
I am not responsible for how my brother acts - I can only look at my part. So what is my part?
I wanted to be the centre of attention in the family, but he was taking that position - so I was being selfish.
I was trying to measure myself against the perceived "ideal" life my brother had - I was looking to be validated by another human being - that is self-seeking - seeking for myself in another
Then I was dishonest too - I went expecting the past to have been different, when I knew what he had said - my dishonesty was in not accepting him as he was - a flawed human being - but expecting himm to be more my "ideal" of an older brother.
I was full of fears about the situation, I didn’t believe in myself, but measured myself against his standards.
Newbie:
OK I see, yes - it is not about whose "fault" anything was- it’s about what I did and how I acted.
Sponsor:
Exactly! - we are looking for *our part* in the transaction - because, after all, it is only us and our actions that we can change, not the other person.
OK that that is the first part, and then there are 2 other inventories that the BB mentions Fears and Sex.
Newbie:
Yes, I’ve read the fear one, and it seems quite - well - easy to be honest - but I guess you’re going to tell me I’vee missed something!
Sponsor:
Actually no - at one level it is real easy! We write down out fears, and then for each one we ask if we were relying on our finite selves, or on an infinite HP. Now tell me, if we were relying on HP, would we have any fear?
Newbie:
Well, if you put it like that - no I guess we wouldn’t!
Sponsor:
Exactly - so for each one we ask the question, and get the answer "our finite selves". That being the case, we can then say the prayer, and hand it over to HP:)
Newbie:
Hmmmm...
(BB Page 68) "God, please remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be"
OK - is that all?
Sponsor:
Well yes - but it’s a lot!! You are saying I can’t handle this - you take it HP, and then show me what to do. And then you have 2 options - trust HP to look after it - or carry on "managing" it yourself. And if you have given the fear to HP - and you hear that you should do the thing you feared - then you have to do it anyway.
Newbie:
Yes I see - an easy thing to say - but harder to live! I guess it’s like the saying "feel the fear, and do it anyway". OK I can see how making that list - facing up to the things I feared - with my HP’s help!!! - yes, that is a recovery thing to do.
Sponsor:
Yes dear one - you can do that inventory?
Newbie:
I can!!
Sponsor:
Great!
OK now the third inventory - our sex inventory.
Newbie:
Well, this is a bit embarrassing to talk about - I have had very few sexual relationships, but some of them have been pretty casual - I can’t see where I would have hurt the other party, and if my partner never found out, I don’t see how telling them about it now would do anything but hurt them.
Sponsor:
Well, first of all - this is not about "telling others" - it’s about us facing our truth about ourselves, admitting where we were wrong, and living up to whatever we regard as our HP’s will for us in the future. And this inventory is about all those relationships in which there was some physical attraction, us to the other person, the other person to us, or both. And it doesn't necessarily need to have been a physical relationship - it could have been just flirtation, or lack of communication (because of shyness or being flustered), or even having a crush on a movie star!! Whom you hurt could be the other person involved, your partner, or even yourself - the point is to see the way forward in our future relationships.
Newbie:
Yes I see that - I guess the Big Book question "what should I have done instead" is key here.
Sponsor:
Yes - no one is expected to perfect - indeed, this is not about "morality" as such - if we look at the BB on page 69 the instructions are to reviewed our own conduct over the years past, and see.
Where had we been selfish
Where had we been dishonest
Where had we been inconsiderate
Whom had we hurt?
Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy
Did we unjustifiably arouse suspicion
Did we unjustifiably arouse bitterness
Where were we at fault,
What should we have done instead?
We subject each relationship to this test - was it selfish or not?
And then we have a prayer: We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them.
Newbie:
OK - yes I see this could be more complex than I thought at first.
Sponsor:
One more thing - there is a sentence on page 70 that says:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing
This is a prayer that we can use for out current (and future) relationships - that we will do the right ting in the future.
Newbie:
Ok - I see I have a bunch of writing to do.
Sponsor:
You look worried dear one - what is on your mind?
Newbie:
I have heard people in the rooms who are taking months to complete their fourth step - and others who did it in just a week or so - how will I know if I spent enough time on it - if I did it right?
Sponsor:
Enough time is the time that *you* need to do it in - no one else - you are unique and you will do it in the time it takes. Take as much or as little time as you need - but remember that our aim is to get to the step 9 promises - so don’t take extra time just because of someone else’s idea of what you should do - including mine!!!
Newbie:
Thank you dear Sponsor - I will do the forms and then can we talk again?
Sponsor:
Oh yes - for then we can look at step 5!!