Shock news: winter weather wintry.

As a cold snap of twenty five below zero kills 100 people in Moscow, Britain's populace is thrown in chaos as things become "a little bit chilly".

You are what you shit: Cannibals eat new batch of jungle celebs  then discover unusual looking poo.

What started off as a simple bush tucker trial soon turned nasty; shortly after insulting the chief's Rubinesque daughter, Gillian McKeith found herself in hot water; quite literally. Her unfavourable comment about the chief's royal droppings did little to help matters.

The normally peaceful tribe then mulled over a Jamie Oliver cookbook. "Where can we find these ingredients?"  It's not like they're in our local supermarket- commented the witch doctor. We don't have one,  well, only a Tescos and they don't do all those poncy fancy things. The cannibals soon decided to raid the jungle camp and cook the annoyance instead; (if he isn't available, we're told that any common garden mockney will do). "Pucker!"

Serves: entire tribe with enough left for sandwiches.

1. Remove smugness

2. Gut

3. Stick onion up bum

4. Add to boiling water

5. Stew in own juices

6. Season to taste

(page 13 of "cooking with Jamie")

"Eugh, there's too much ginger in this" said the large black man with a bone through his nose as he tasted the dish the Red Peppers had cooked (not very) humorously entitled "McKeith surprise". "Green Tomatoes have it" said the witch doctor, as the audience cheered, the loosing chef was heard to mutter "Fuck, not again".

Guess where.

Stabbed Policeman gets fateful reward.

A public outcry occurred when a policeman put forward for a George Cross was denied
the ultimate medal of honour.
The act of bravery: being stabbed by a terrorist in custody who somehow managed to lunge for a knife and kill the officer.

Are medals to given for:

A. Bravery

B. Incompetence at doing one's duty

C. Suffering sheer bad luck

If the officer had been killed by someone who wasn't a terrorist, would the public have said he deserved a George Cross?

"100 best shows" show doesn't feature itself.

Last night's TV featured 100 best adverts interspersed by adverts in case you didn't get enough of them. That's right; at the moment, the ad breaks are just about the best thing on.

If reminiscing isn't your thing, why not try some vicarious emotion in the form of sympathy TV. Sick kids hospital, animal hospital or a documentary profiling the sufferers of particularly rare and de-habilitating illnesses; it's good for the soul. If we're particularly lucky there might be some video footage of the latest natural disaster that we can stare at, like the cars in the lanes passing a motorway accident.

You've got options; take some shadenfraude at the obsese,  the swearing children with Tourett's syndrome, or get to grips with the gritty realism of bus drivers, learner drivers, clampers, airport staff in their day in the life of monotony.

Morons in a house or famous morons in a house, you can't say there's not a choice. Singing morons, anyone? On the other channel there's a documentary profiling a day in the life of a day in the life of a documentary film maker. Switch to the other side with a responsible, constructive journalism cashing in with an interview of John Lennon's killer; now there’s a positive influence on the mindset of the impressionable.

If you're particularly lucky you can tune into a talk show where the guest is a presenter from another talk show, and the presenter asks "Which famous people have you talked to?" It's technically known as Parkinson's syndrome where someone can actually be venerated for talking to some well known people, almost like show business static electricity. A bizarre feedback loop where Noel Edmonds is a guest. I would use the word "interview" but I don't think feeble mumblings count. It's not just him suffering the diction problems; Scottish TV's interspersed with a nasal drawl almost as unintelligible as the voice of "beeg broover". Nobody expects a 1950's cut glass BBC voice, but a reasonable grasp of English would be nice. It's only a matter of time before we're treated to a plethora of "100 worst" shows.

Would anyone rather hear an artist talk instead of enjoying their work? Yes, we know you've got a film/CD/Book to sell, or you wouldn't be sitting on the couch with the sycophant's tongue sliding into your personal nooks and crannies. What are you working on next? Another film? I never would have thought it. Would anyone really would rather hear a sportsperson's trivial thoughts instead of watching sport? And back we are to the start;  this time you may feel like you're watching an advertisement for a person.

Iran: peaceful moderate wannabe atom splitters?

A simple a well meaning "infomercial" new article from the Iranian descended ITN reporter presented a very different picture of what life in Iran is like (35 years after the revolution).

Look how modern and tolerant it is now; the women are wearing mascara and the head scarves are in bright colours. This man doesn't even have a full beard; he looks like he could be on a night out in Manchester (apart from the fact that he isn't drunk). Why shouldn't we have the right to generate nuclear energy? Why does the west treat us so badly; they must want us to use up all our oil and become dependant on them. It was almost a cogent argument.

The carefully crafted piece of investigative journalism interviewed English speaking Iranian; young middle class suburb dwellers into make-up and dance music. The news on sale on Friday was slightly different as conservative President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called for Israel to be "Wiped off the map". Someone better tell the cartographers. It never quite seems to demonstrate oneself as a reasonable or tolerant when ordering a fatwa.

Does having a Muslim Iranian reporter give extra credence to the work? The choice of journalist allowed the reporter licence to talk from the 1st person "what we think" as spoken from the point of view of the community. "Multiculturalism" wasn't the first word to spring to mind as she talked about how she went abroad to marry a Pakistani and how other young 2nd generation immigrants want to do similar. It did little to re-assure by saying that some Britons are also becoming Muslims. At least she made an effort to appear British by joining the legion of single mothers, and wrote for the Sun newspaper which is offensive to most sectors of society!

"Police in northeastern Iran are launching a new morality drive by confiscating alluring mannequins from boutiques and clothes stalls in the bazaar, authorities in the city of Bojnourd said on Monday. A spokesman for the city's judiciary, who asked not be named, explained the drive would tackle problems of "public chastity". Sixty five mannequins have been impounded so far.
 

This is where the problem lies...the concept of "we" not just "you" and "I"...people individually attacked form groups to gain a sense of protection and identity, it's a known behaviour. A self perpetuating situation can occur when the disaffected become more introverted and institutionalised in religion, causing and driven by the increasing suspicions of others. The reporter then spoke to some youths who admitted feeling even more strongly Muslim than their parents.

Is sharing a common workplace, public transport and the curry house truly integration? The aim of this mockumentary was not achieved; the similarities shared; commonalities seemed to pale in comparison with the fundamental differences. A more useful program could have intelligently highlighted the internal diversity of the Asian community, rather than the differences between them and the rest of the population. This demonstration of "no shit, Sherlock" journalism gave a clear explanation of why certain young Muslims feel alienation. The conclusions of the report as to the benefits of curry and diversity did little to address the main issues of growing segregation and intolerance on both sides.

Religions are inherently incompatible with each other. It's a mutually exclusive choice. When you throw a coin, you either get heads or tails. When you choose a religion you choose to believe it, which by process of mutual exclusively, leaves everything else as falsehood. This is the faith; the suspension of reason. Truth with a pinch of hope would be a nicer alternative. Will a person's loyalty to their religion always override the loyalty to their country? Perhaps we should try to rely more on our own judgement than following the follow of imposed ideas of "duty" to anything more than our own personally perceived and rationalised truth.

 God fined for cruelty to humans.

What started as a nice little experiment with just two humans, now his earth (a small planet only 12,756 km in diameter) is populated with over 6593,700,000 people.

Many of them living in squalor, warring, murdering and not obeying the rules. A large portion of them left in Africa were found to be malnourished and in need of urgent medical care. "It almost seems like he lost interest in taking care of his pet project" said a spokesperson from the Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Mortals.

Many older deities create life for company, but all too soon they grow tired of looking after the life. We've revoked his license and given him a hefty fine. Perhaps he should get himself another hobby. He claimed to have given up the plagues, and smiting when he sent a mini-me to earth, supposedly to care care of the whole sinning/forgiveness thing, but it seems to continue unabated...this cruelty is intolerable.

Creeps with clipboards foundation report 10% increase in donations.

"As we don't work on commission; you can be sure that 100% of your donation goes to a good cause; in this case: me."

Regret filled transsexual admits to being overcome by lure of boobies and cheaper car insurance.

"National" anthem infers non-existence of nation.

If a place can "be a nation again", surely the inference is that it isn't currently a nation. A point missed by authors of "Flower of Scotland". The flower also seems to be installed with some kind of lighting system. Self rule doesn't mean rule by oneself; but merely your affairs ruled by democratically elected  morons in Hollyrood instead of Westminster.

If Star Wars has taught us anything, it's that horribly scarred amputee asthmatics aren't nice people.  
 

Junkie succumbs to influence of TV show.

Channel 4's latest reality documentary showed quite clearly that coming off heroin is hellish; lesson learned; don't come off heroin.